Any and All Advice/ears Welcomed: 3 Y/o Is a Handful

First I would like to say that my son is very strong minded and willed also. I think the best thing to do to control them is put them in time out and do it consistently. I started doing this with my son about 2 weeks ago and I have finally started to see an improvement. When he tries to hit or pull my hair I tell him if he doesn't stop he will be placed in time out. When I first started this he was in time out about 10 times a day. Now it is down to 1 or 2 times a day. He now listens to me a little more and if I ask him to stop he usually does.

Oh this sounds so familiar, my daughter is the same way, or used to be. My little girl was born only wanting daddy, I was only good for food and other necessities. Once she hit about 1 1/2 years-old she was very defiant with me. She would throw major tantrums and scream and misbehave, but as soon as she was with someone else (like daddy) there was no problem! I thought I would have a daughter that hated me for the rest of my life. My husband saw how upset I would get and stepped in to use his influence in the situation. He punished her for her behavior and told her that she needed to be sweet and listen and obey her mommy. He would also show me affection while telling her this to model the correct behavior. I also spent a lot of time praying for our relationship to change. My daughter is now 4-years-old, and we have the BEST relationship. She actually prefers me over daddy. We just made sure that she knew her relationship with her daddy was special, but that she could have that with me too. I don't know if this will help with you, but I have been very blessed, and I hope for the same with you.
Bec

I havea 3 yo son so I know exactly what you mean. I'm reading "Your Three Year Old friend or enemy" It is VERY informative. 3 yo ALL do this and yes ONLY to mom. There is no clear answer why except that they are going through the same thing that a teenager does. They are growing faster and their mind is growing and they test the one person who cares the most about them. He is testing you, not because of anything you have done and he can't help himself. Or I'm sorry she. Get the book it's really a great book, they have one fore every age. They are written by early childhood doctors. AND parents. :) The book actualy says that in some cases it is best that the child goes to preschool or that mom seaks help in the home at this age for everyone's mental health. :) My husband sleeps until noon then does to work and isn't home till the kids are in bed so I'm all alone with a new baby and a 3 yo and I wish I had that little bit of help at bedtime. On my husband's day off he does bedtime and there is no screaming no crying no begging for juice nothing just right to bed. I tell you 3 year olds have lost their minds! Don't worry eventualy she will outgrow it.

Sounds oh so familiar. My 2 1/2 year old is off the hook. He too has always been quite independent. He is also very smart. However from about age 1 1/2 he became very difficult. He is down right mean. I have 3 other children and have had no issues, but this one drives me nuts. If I punish him he will seek out his little brother and hit him. Then he gets in so much trouble from doing that , that he has became worse. He hits me, he spits, he kicks and he will not listen. I feel like a battered mommy. I've done time outs, putting him in his room, talking to him, yelling at him, ignoring him and even against what I believe in spanking him. Nothing works. So I guess I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and hurt. I know it's probably nothing you do wrong. Some children are just difficult.
This is what I've noticed...he gets more out of control when there is not enough attention solely on him, if there is a lot of noise such as the tv going and maybe a conversation that he is not involved in. It does help to turn everything off radio, tv or even the computer to talk to him about his behavior. Just trying to keep things a little quieter in the home helps my son have less outbursts. Not sure if this helps...but I do look forward to hearing what the other moms suggest. Good Luck. G.

hmmmmm, I think I could have pretty much written your post word for WORD. My 3 yo daughter has been acting like this for awhile now and it seems to be getting much worse by the day. attitude! and anger!

I just started to work at a daycare in a gym and I bring the kids with me to work....well sometimes the people look at me as if I have a crazy child! she cries, whines, talks back, sulks and pouts if she doesnt get exactly what she wants. In a public setting like that where I'm watching lots of other kids, it's hard for me to give her a time out, so it's very challenging at work to deal with her, more so then at home.

she takes all her anger out on me no matter where we are, hardly ever does it to her Daddy! She's a wonderful big sister to her baby brother. I just think she's having a hard time being 3, dealing with her feelings and emotions, trying to learn what kind of behavior is acceptable and unacceptable and how to express her feelings. I am the disciplinarian in the house and so that's why I think most of her attitude and anger is directed towards me. Daddy is the softy and always gives in, she can always run to him if "Mommy is being mean" and he will give in to her.

And I know she is really testing me lately. She knows she cant get away with most stuff during the day while we are at home. She is good all day long for me. But when Daddy comes home she's a whole different child. Same thing at the daycare. She knows she can get away with more there and she takes advantage of it. Well the past week she's flipped the tables on me! she'll do this thing now when she's is doing something she's not supposed to and I start to discipline her, she will say "But I just only love you Mommy" or "I just want to give you kisses and hugs" in her sweetest little voice....of course saying this so I forget about giving her a time out or teaching her right from wrong. She's too smart for her own good LOL. It's hard to give a kid a time out when they say that to you! So I just have to say "I love you too but it's still not right to take that toy away from your brother".

I just have to tell myself to be consistent, and maybe one day it will pay off. I think this behavior is normal for 3. whoever came up with "terrible 2's" didn't know what was coming at 3!

hi i dont have advice for you but youre not alone. My almost 2 year old is really mean to me also, although it is mostly when there is someone around to see it. i have tried alot from giving him treats when he is nice to punishing him when hes not and nothing has helped. if you get any good advice on this subject please pass it on to me. good luck,. C.

I have three boys and the my oldest can be a handful, from 2 half to 3 and three quaters was tough, I didn't think I would make it and my second boy is starting into this behavior so it like round two. But something I have found to work well, is to be indiffenet to the rudest. Don't react, don't nicely ask her to stop, just act like she isn't there. Of course there are time you can't do that, but try not to show to much emtion when she acts up, just send her to time out and if she doesn't stay just keep taking her back until timeout is over. Not reacting to my son and sending him to timeout without a talk (before or after, he know what he is doing is wrong) has changed his tone about how he talks to me and others. Best of luck! (don't give in, they can smell weakiness:)

M.,
I would have to ask, 1) Did this start before you got pregnant and 2) How does your husband and others around treat you?(Ie could she be picking up on how someone else is treating you?)

My three year old is a handful too. Check out my recent request about getting him ready in the morning for pre-school. It's just terrible brawling over brushing teeth and stuff. And even in that post, I didn't go into detail about the cross eyebrows, the swatting motions toward my eyes, and the trying to stomp on my feet to cause pain and injury.

If you do read my request, you'll see that I have no good advice because I'm just struggling too. What I'm doing isn't working. I try to do all the "good mommy things" like give transition time to bring one activity to an end and start the next so as to assist him in comprehending the process and deminish confusion & stubborness. I try communicate by verbalizing what we are going to do and I use commands rather than requests. I offer 2 choices that will accomplish the same task so that he feels in control and useful. I give him feedback about what he's doing that's right or wrong and I warn him of the consequences. I praise him for his good choices and even try to "catch" him being good. I spend one on one time with him and give him plenty of opportunity to show me all the things he can do on his own. And I am consistant with the good reinforcement as well as the discipline.

And yet... he still strikes at me, spits and continues to spit until I use the mean voice, will yell at me and then yell louder and cry when he's going through the discipline. Needless to say, some days I feel like a brute bully and I hate it. It's just not something I'm used to.

On the exhausting days I end up speaking to him in a deep, sturn, harsh voice all day, my eyebrows stay stuck cross, and I begin to get more phyisical with him like physically moving his body to do what I've asked him to do or physically picking him up and moving him away from the baby rather than using my own words and telling him what I want/expect/need. I just get more physical. Like here's an example: When I'm at the end of my rope, and he does something like swatting a toy in his baby sisters eyes, I would just grab his entire body and abruptly pick him up away from her while saying as mean and witchy as possible "Don't swat your sister in the eyes, it hurts!" and then plunk him back down on the floor or in a time out (calm donw spot). I know this sounds a forceful and a little brutal. But, it's just what starts to happen... I loose my patients with speaking to him kindly about things and I begin to just pick him up or make him walk away... like by strongly holding his shoulders and marching him away from her when I tell him to stay away from his sister because he's being too rough. I hate when I get more hands on. I'd much rather just watch him follow through with self control. But, I think I get physical like this because I know that as soon as I use the witch voice he will probably start hitting, kicking, tantruming and could cause even more hurt if he stays near the "problem". So, I get my hands on him in a strong way so that he knows I'm right there and ready to take control if he busts a move. It just makes me feel like a big, loud, bully all day. And I hate it to have to be so intimidating. I call it "crossing over to the dark side".

Maybe, it's just me who has a problem with this. Maybe, this is what it's like to just be sturn but to me it feels really uncomfortable. It goes so very much against my grain. And I only get like this after doing things like communicating to him at his level, using eye contact, and just plain old trying to purposely stay sweet. But, on a trying day... the witch voice comes out and I can cross over to the dark side for a while -until I get a break or cry out in tears of my own to God.

And I think that's why my 3 year old pushes things in this way. He can tell that I get frassled and that I really don't like it when things turn bad. He pushes my limits and crosses over into aggressive territory that I really don't know how to handle. I'm sure he can see the fear on my face when he's challenging me.

So, that's my take on why they do this... it is because they know that they can go into the "crazy zone" with you and although you might crack down with the discipline and get as intense as the violation warrants, that it's not your nature to be like so. That you hate the fighting and the anger just as much as them. And that you also just want it to stop. There's safety knowing you in that kind of way. Every time they try to push it, you stay the same person in your heart no matter how bad it's getting.

They can sure try our patients...I sympathize completely. My ownly reassurance that I can give you is that when we do cry out our own tears to God and just yell, "Help, help, help, God" -at least we're not ringing their little necks in that moment. See the prayers are already answered.

Dear M.,

Hi, I'm a mother of two girls, 4 and 6, and just like you, I felt some recentment from my oldest daughter once her youngest sister was born. Just like you said, my oldest enjoys being the big sister, but I think she must have felt a bit displaced when her sister was born, you see, she no longer had my total and complete attention, my attention became for two instead of one. I remember when I was in the hospital, my oldest wouldn't even see me or talk to me, and it really hurt me at first, but I figured everything would eventually work out and it has. I know your three year old is too small to understand what's going on, but perhaps you should try doing something together, something specially just for the two of you and always tell her how much you love her. I'm not sure if you have seen a show on tv called "Super nany", it is very interesting and some of the advice the show gives has been very helpful to me. I hope things work out for your family.

Sincerely,
Z.

I was always told that a child will be that what with whomever they are more comfortable expressing themselves with. Your child must feel closer to you and feels she can be more open. My daughter was like that with her dad then it changed and she's that way with me. I just hold her arms and have eye contact with her and tell her it's not nice and she gets the hint. I have to be stern with mine. I would make sure you get an understanding with her.

mine is like that too. i think it's because she gets away with more when it comes to you. or maybe she feels like those are terms of endearment. I've noticed right on with my kids that you can NEVER take what kids say to the heart because they say things without thinking. they hurt other's without meaning to. me and my mother are overweight and my daughter is always calling us fat and jiggaling our bellys like it's a game. if you give them attention on why they should'nt say it it just gets worse. I've noticed this with curse words. if you say "damit!" with an emphasis they know it's something to be brought to there attention and they will start saying it. but if you yell at them for saying it there are 2 reasons why they wont. #1 mommy says it why can't I? #2 i'm getting attentiong when I say it! the same applies to what she says to you that is disrespectful. if she says something like I hate you or your ugly. ignore her. she will keep trying to push those buttons until your break and give her attention and then she has won but(it's hard) ignore it. she will throw a fit. bash some things around throw a tantrum then you put her in the CORNER(kids hate it, mine asks for time out not the corner that's why i've switched) things will change. they have for me. I now use soap with curse words and disrespectful tones and corner for throwing a fit for no attention. she hes learned to self sooth this way. it was very hard for me and sometimes she relapses but it works if you stick to your gun. I'm still in the first stage because she only just started fearing me but Mine is turning. it takes time and patience and those are things I have made myself learn. Good luck.

my daughter is two and she can be quite a handfull as well though not totally focusing it all on me it is some times daddy too she never purposefully goes after her grandma unless she is really tired. I do have a few suggestions that might help:

1. when my daughter has been mean to her dad I have taken her into time out on my lap where I hold her till she relaxes then I tell her why she is in time out then I say" look at you daddy you made him very sad"(daddy makes a sad face)"its not nice to make daddy sad" then I keep making her look at him till it sinks in and this usually will make her sad(i do not hold her face she just can't get out of time out till she complies)we will then count out of time out(this keeps you in control of signaling time out so that each time out is consistant)then she goes and hugs and kisses daddy better. it has not stopped the outbursts completely since this is a difficult time for kids(wanting to explore and learn everything and always being told no) but it helps calm her down and she has been alot nicer to her daddy.

2 I would watch how much sugar she is eating. not that I am saying that you give her candy all the time but remember ketchup and fruits and several gerber products have alot of sugar in them(those companies want you kids to get hooked and sugars the easiest way to do it). a sugar crash can really cause kids to act out.

3 consider how others are talking to you in front of you daughter if your fiance is always telling you that you are wrong about things(not necessarily to be mean) or you are constantly being told that the things you are doing need to be changed your daughter could be picking this up and not trusting your authority.

4 and finally it could just be that she is going through a stage that she feels that this is the only way to get your attention.

I hope this helps a please know that I am not accusing you or your fiance' of anything wrong these are just ideas keep us posted

My 3y\o does the same things to me too. And his dad has had to step in and let him know that he doesn't need to talk to me that way. I also let him know that it's not ok and put him in a time out. He's getting better, but we still have problems. You just need to reinforce that it's not alright that she yells or screams at you. If you keep on the problem it should help. I hope that this helps it's starting to work for me.

Hi - Try the book 1-2-3 Magic...it has saved us and several of our friends. IT WORKS!

I pasted the link below. It has been a lifesaver for us. We now have a wonderfully behaved 2 year old who is happy all the time.

http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Ch...
GOod luck,
J.