I agree with Domini about the overstimulation. It could be that or he could just be willfully ornery.
Here's an example: Just the other day, I was at the library with my 3.5 year old son and my 19 month old daughter. Just after story time (which may have been a little over stimulating to him with all of the transitions from getting up to dance then, having to sit for a story read), we stayed in the gated room to run and jump a little bit on the large carpet steps. My 19 months old was having a great time, happy, happy. She was running back and forth on the steps. But, brother began to run after her so close that he would cause her to trip and fall. This is a common aggressive behavior to her. Another word for is "getting underfoot". He also started running infront of her to block her movement, which caused her to get frustrated, irritated, and cry. Another aggressive behavior that seems very ornery and mean to me. I tried redirecting him, telling him of other things to do and leading him there. Then I continued verbally advising him to back off, give her space, don't block her, stay away from his sister. Another word for this is "nagging". I also put him in timeout several times for each behavior. This is called "extraordinary patients and forgiveness".
Now this was a big room with other children to play with and all he wanted to do was torture his sister. Finally, he got after her back so much that she slammed forward bashing the wall with her body. I yelled in the witch voice in front of the other moms (embarrassed) "That's it; enough. Now, neither of you is having a good time. Let's go." I really grieved in my heart about doing this because, we've been struggling with prioritizing the baby. Hunter will purposely act up to ruin her time. This is the ornery part. I think he was acting up just to ruin the baby's library time. Well, we can't always just do what Hunter wants and he can't always misbehave so obnoxiously that he ruins anyone elses time.
But, I realized that we all just couldn't handle the situation. I was sad that his behavior was so bad and aggressive and we just couldn't handle doing story time and then play time like so many other children seemed to be able to handle. But, not us. Because I didn't want him to entirely win the battle, we switched gears by going to the Discovery Room which is a hands on exploration type room. We did that for about 30 minutes more of play. But, within that 30 minutes we went to the potty for pee, then back again for poop, then back again for a poopy baby diaper.
In my book, this was a bad day. It was nothing but an event of frustration. And I didn't even mention all of the support, verbal direction, reminders, and timeouts that took place during the story hour. I was exhausted and embarrassed that after all of this I snapped at him in the "witch voice" infront of other parents who were looking at me with eyeballs popping out because we were such a distraction among their perfect angels. I am jealous that they get to have conversations while their little girls lay on the floor and flip pages of books while they twittle their little feet in the air, while my children run wild like Nanny 911 kids.
So, all I can say is that you are not alone, if you aren't a parent who has a wimpy kid. Boys do need more physical activity and I'm sure that if my son was playing with another boy, perhaps a little older, and doing all of the behaviors of a foot ball player like blocking, tackling, teasing.... he would have been in heaven. But, you just can't do that to a tippy baby sister.
Maybe, we should move to California so my son can run outside in the sunshine everyday, but here in Oregon with all of the rain, my little cave man has to learn how to be civilized in libraries. We can't go to Chuck E Cheese, McDonalds, swimming lessons, gymnastics lessons, every day. It adds up. And then again we can't sit at home with cabin fever.
So, the only other reassurance I can give you is that some times will just be tough if you have an aggressive, energy ridden boy. Some times might feel like he** and be as frustrating as he**. But, you'll all survive. And if you use the witch voice, and throw a temper tantrum or two yourself, it won't damage him for life. Neither him or you will never cease to be human.
3 years old is definately a time for a family to learn about anger. I'm not so supportive of the NO EMOTION parenting techniques. I take what I like and leave the rest when it comes to stuff like that. Our boys do need to see that they have an effect on their enviornment and people. That people cry and cringe when they hit and hurt them. That girls get scared when you scream like a dying dinosaur up in their face. That Mommy does get angry and frustrated when we badger her with obnoxious, ornery, behavior. So, if you express yourself with a sturn, angry, witch voice once in a while don't sweat it. In the outside world when you hurt someone, people (& other kids) don't just respond ever so maturely and ask you to take a time out. He's a strong willed boy and if you are a sensitive girl like me, it will feel very uncomfortable and challenging to be intense, consistant, and strong willed yourself when confronting unacceptable behavior. It just feels yucky to have to punish and discipline so often. Like I said, some times are just tough and terrible, and trying, and frustrating to go through.
The only solution I know of to keep everyone alive during these times without ringing necks it to be just as strong willed about taking a time out for yourself. I don't care if the house is burning down, detatch and let disaster happen. I know that is sarcastic but, it's kind of how it feels. You just have to "check out" for a while. Let him/them fend for themselves (aside from brutalizing babies). And just clean up the mess later.
Organizing a time to take a break and decompress is great, but in the midst of chaos and challenge, you can't always do that. Personally, if I spend 3 hours out of the house for an evening then have a non-stop challenging morning the next day, my break didn't matter at all. It really doesn't help in the moment. I've only found that by taking a bunch of mini breaks during the day and letting go of the reigns a little, letting the messes happen, just trusting that my house IS baby proofed enough to watch itself for a little while -with the kids in it, telling them to "go play in your room" and keeping them out from underfoot for a while, helps me to not have so many melt downs myself. And what do I do with my mini-breaks. I mommasource for 15 minutes. I watch Dr. Phil. I load the dishes with strict instruction to stay out of the kitchen, do not climb on the open dishwasher, do not shove any toys up in my face for attention, do not talk to me, I'm not having a conversation right now. Sometimes my mind just needs to not be carrying on a continuous converstation while I'm trying to think something through. I make myself a little unpleasent and unfun to be around. Who wants to talk to a grump anyways. We all need our space, and when you can't take a trip to the bahamas or even a trip to the grocery store alone, you just have to check out in other ways.
I might sound crazy, but that's all I've got right now, Good luck.
