My ex-husband divorced me in January 2011.....it's a crazy, unbelievable story that takes too long to re-tell now....(midlife crisis, PTSD, depression)
To make a long story short....he asked to reconcile right after the divorce was final and after a couple of ups and downs we seem to be on the right path again....
The problem....after I had a dental procedure done and the antibiotics screwed up my birth control I accidentally got pregnant.....
I was in shock and have not told him yet (13 weeks next week)....
Next wednesday I have my nucheal translucency scan and if the baby is still alive and well I will have to tell him then.....
I've had 3 miscarriages and that's why I haven't told him yet....I didn't want to freak him out if the baby was not going to make it anyway....
Friends suggested to write him a letter so he can deal with the emotions in private at first.....
I think that's a good idea, but I'm not a good writer at all and I don't want to say something he could take the wrong way....
Would you help me, please ?!?!?!?
I want to say that it happened even though I was on bcp and even though I have PCOS (makes it almost impossible to conceive naturally)...so it was kind of meant to happen (plus, we haven't had sex for over 3 weeks before that because we had one of those down times and he had moved into the spare bedroom....the day he moved back into the master bedroom it happened !!!)
I want to tell him that I thought about abortion at first, even made an appointment and made that mandatory call, but couldn't go through with it when I saw my sweet kids and how wonderful they are....
I want to say that even though we're not totally reconciled yet (no hugs, kisses or I love you's yet =( ) I will have this baby with or without him, but I hope he decides to stay together.... (see, when I write it it sounds very stupid)....
I want him to know that it was NOT planned, because I just started college in January, have a full time job and really wanted to work out our relationship first....I didn't think I was ever going to have another baby anyway......I was even going to sell all the leftover baby stuff at a yard sale this or next month.....
Can anyone help me write this ????
Any other suggestions ????
Heartfelt words, that would melt any man's heart ?????
Okay, here it goes. Did you conceive in person or a thru a letter?
This should be done in person. Straight and to the point.
Good luck and best wishes! :)
Talk to him in person now! You have known for over seven weeks and you are not being honest with him. Keeping the truth isn't a great way to start out. Tell him the truth.
I love to write and have for years, but I honestly I don't think I would write him about his.
If you two are going to make it as a couple, you need to develop good, if not excellent, communication skills. Tell him everything you've said here, be prepared for him to need some time to wrap his mind and heart around it, because with his PTSD and depression, even if he's under treatment, it may take awhile. The fact that you are prepared to have the baby on your own is great, in the event he cannot do this.
God bless.
Oh, momma, if you could just read your post without your own judgement fogging up your mind. This is perfect. What you told us, how you explained it, totally perfect. Not a drop of it sounded cheesy or fake. I hope you can put enough faith in yourself to send your own words. These words are great. I do wish you the absolute best of luck, just talk to him. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Am I correct that you are living together? Sharing a master bedroom? I think there's enough intimacy in your daily life you should be able to sit down and talk to him. You can say what you have to say in a calm way and end with, "I'm going to go take a shower while you take some time to process.
If he's been with you through all of your difficulties conceiving and of course the divorce, I don't think you need to spell out for him the circumstances, he's lived them with you. Here are some thoughts:
I love you and am committed to building a relationship with you that will last. We're making good progress and I am happy that we can be physically and emotionally intimate again. We just happened to get a bit more than we bargained for in the process. I am pregnant, and I would like to celebrate this with you, perhaps reflective of the new life we are building together. I understand the shock. I've dealt with it and would like to give you some time as well.
Sex is simple, so why can't telling him that he's a father be simple? You're over-dramatizing and making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. Tell him face to face. That's how you had sex, right? He deserves to be told the same way.
He doesn't need to know you considered abortion. What's that going to prove? Just tell him straight out that you didn't plan it. You were on your BCP's and another medication you were on interfered with it, and you're as surprised as he is. Tell him you waited as long as you did to tell him because of your history with miscarriages, and you were afraid of how he would respond.
Then tell him you'll give him some time to think, and when he has questions he knows where to find you. I would just keep the emotional stuff out of it. He'll think you're trying to emotionally blackmail him. If he's happy about it, then you can reconcile. If he's angry about it, then you know how to proceed there too (setting up custody and child support the same as with the other children). You'll probably have to go about getting a paternity test this time around since you're not married in order to establish paternity and to get child support.
Just keep it as simple as possible. Short and sweet. Don't muck it up or bog him down with anything except the basic facts.
I second that you should talk to him in person. If you must, you could talk to him about it with a mediator of some sort present.
A letter sounds impersonal and kind of cold (not that you are a cold person)... what if you doctor refused to tell you how the results of your nucheal translucency scan went... and just sent you a letter instead?
Tell him what you told us all here! Don't worry about having the "perfect words" - just be honest and open and say what you are thinking and feeling. If you do want a relationship with him again, being honest and open, and YOU, is going to get you there faster than hiding behind someone else's words.
But before you do tell him... take a deep breath, eat a piece of chocolate cake (sorry no glass of wine for you, LOL!) and be happy to get it off you chest and get it over with!
Good Luck!
-M.
This may sound cold, but I think the only thing you need to be writing your "ex" husband is a good-bye letter!! It's clear you think he is going to be very upset about this, and that must be a horrible feeling. Marriage (and relationships for that matter) are about being supportive of each other. Sounds to me like you are not getting any support from him, if you're that terrified to share what sounds like amazing news! To be able to conceive after 3 miscarriages is a blessing! Treat it as such, and quit feeling guilty about it. My heart goes out to you. Share this great news with him ASAP - he should be by your side when you go in to find out if this baby is still "alive". If he is not supportive and acts like a jerk, post another question, and I'll gladly help you write a good-bye letter! Geez! Love yourself and this baby with everything you have. I wish you the very best of luck!
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, Praise the Lord! Congratulations on getting pregnant without trying and after multiple miscarriages. The Lord wants you to have this baby! Congrats too for having the courage to follow through with this precious gift the Lord has sent you. Don't be afraid to tell your ex. Tell him everything and how you would like to share this gift with him. If he gets angry, yells at you, accuses you of stuff... you know he is not the right man for you. God bless you and Best wishes!
Talk face to face with your man, tell him the truth, ask him to come to the doctor's appt with you. If you can't communicate openly with him and he with you, there's not much hope for the future. Melt his heart? Tell him you love him, you want to spend your life with him and having his child would be a gift from God.
Blessings
Just sit down face-to-face and tell him. Most men don't want all the pussy-footing around.
I'd tell mine even if I might miscarry. that's something he needs to know either way. Good luck and congratulations!!
As far as a letter, I'd woo him and share the exciting news anyway that comes for you!! Make it pretty and fancy too if you'd like!
I have to agree with other posters. It will be better coming from you in person. Just say what you said here - that you hope to get everything reconciled and worked out, but you will have the baby either way, etc.
Don't automatically assume, either, that he is going to be upset about another baby. He could surprise you!
Copy your post, Sweetie. It says it all. You don't say how many children you have, but I can't imagine his not being happy about this one. It's such an act of God. It will probably be the child who takes care of you in your senior years.
i know this is late and you have probably already deleted all messages but here is my shot. tell him casually over lunch, in a resturant. not too crowded and not too empty. the conversation whether you write it or speak it will be awkward. i'm an undiscovered writer- divorce has changed both of us. i am in college and studying hard. you have your career. i was at the dentist and the drugs for my tooth interfered with my birth control. i am pregnant. this wasn't planned. we've had 3 miscarriages and i'm not wanting to get your hopes up but i want to tell you the truth, no games. i will have this baby because i want one and i hope you choose to stay in this baby's life, i will accept and respect whatever decision to make. we are two people now and not one. this is all my fault really because i was thinking of selling all the baby stuff, if i just packed everything away in boxes and kept the boxes in my garage we wouldn't be having this conversation. (the last line is a light hearted joke.) W.
Is he the father of your children? I'm all for heartfelt words but this isn't a boyfriend who you were only dating a few monthes and oopps we're pregnant. You've been married to this man. Take him to dinner and talk to him. Stay calm and let him take it all in... You've had 8+ weeks to digest this and he may need a week or so himself. Tell him you respect his feeling and/or emotions but to please be kind in his words to you. It may be impossible because your pregnant but try not to be overly sensitive to his reations good or bad.
Your real focus should be on you and your children. If he jumps on board it's a bonus but you need to have a plan for peace and happiness for this blessing God has granted you. Good Luck... and I agree, seems meant to be but that may not include a happily ever after. I REALLY HOPE it does!
Take Care!
C.
WHAT???? Im with the other posts but I have to add in my opinion as well...
"you want to see if the baby is still alive?"--- Be a little positive even with your miscarage history. You are talking about a child that you will be raising for the rest of your life- you all obviously can do the deed but you all aren't together?!? Sex doesn't make a relationship better-- Especially sex with an unplanned pregnancy!
One last rant: 13weeks and he doesn't even notice you showing. Any morning sickness? Mood swings? Fatigue? Wierd.
In all honesty, best of luck to you.
