Any Other Kids Have 1+ Hour Tantrums?

You need to decide if tantrums are allowed or not. They are normal to those who allow them or ignore them or do all the other things to sort of "mange yourself while enabling them". The sky is the limit on how long they can last or how bad they can get if allowed to germinate. I have friends whose kids spend 45 minutes screaming and banging their heads and then puking.
We treated tantrums like any other habit that wasn't allowed. With firm consequences at the very first instant of an onset of one. All the kids learned to choose against starting them after only a few times. I have three tantrum free kids under 5 that I take everywhere with me while my husband travels all the time. Kids as young as 1 year old can learn to control their emotions and deal with frustration maturely if you force it and teach it and don't buy in to the, "they can't help it they need to express themselves" opinion. It's a habit that needs discipline, plain and simple (and not just "discipline" that allows the tantrum to occur in a time out)
Get this book-ignore the fundamentalist weird stuff and the controversy. Just read the method. You'll have a new daughter in one week if you employ the advice. To Train up A Child by Michael Pearl.

My son has a daughter that had this kind of tantrum. (Your description could have been his daughter.) When she has a tantrum she would try and hit and yell and scream and cry. He would sit in a chair and hold her or restrainer her by grabbing both arms and hugging her so she couldn't move. It cut the tantrums down. It takes her less and less time to control her with each episode. He and his wife use the hugging technique and time out to achieve self control in his daughter. She is much better now, but still goes off on the deep end occasionally. He and his wife agree that if she didn't learn self control at 3 and then 4, then she would be horrible to be around when she was a teenager. They are having to do the same thing with her younger sister, except they aren't waiting to see if she'd "out-grow" it.

If your daughter does it with you, and not her dad she is using it to control you and get what she wants.

I had a super screamer. When he didn't get his way he would just lie on the floor and scream and cry and scream . . . I finally got tired of it one day and got tired of telling him to stop. I picked him up by the waist and carried him screaming into the kitchen. I got a pitcher of cold water out of the frig and took him over to the sink. When he saw what was going to happen he said, "No daddy. No daddy. I'll be good. I'll be good." He knew exactly what he was doing. It so shocked me, I remember it to this day and that was over 30 years ago. There after when he was having a temper tantrum and yelling and screaming, all I had to do was ask him if I needed to get the cold water out. I hate to think how bad it would have been when he got to be a teenager if we hadn't gotten it under control when he was little.

Good luck to you and yours.

My DD has not thrown any tantrums like that but I think she would if she thought she could get away with it. At the onset of anything resembling a tantrum - crying dramatically or falling on the floor - we calmly told her to go to her room until she's done. "You can cry all you want, but you need to do it in your room." If she doesn't go on her own, we lead her there and tell her to stay there until she's done. We don't ever go get her if she quites down by herself, she will come out when she's ready. Now, if we just tell her to go to her room as soon as she starts to cry and she stops immediatly and says "I'm done crying." If she truely stops, I let it go, but sometimes it happens 2 or 3 times in a row and then I make her go because she may not want to, but she really does need to get it out of her system. Then she has a good cry and she's a much better kid afterwards.
I don't ever have a problem with tantrums in public.
Good luck.

It sounds like you cloned my now 4 year old daughter! She still does this and it is a struggle EVERY day between her and my husband and I. A bit like walking on eggshells and with a 7 month old son in the picture I just go crazy too. I have yet to find anything effective in disipating this repulsive and destructive behavior. Sounds like you have run the gamut of disciplinary options as have we with no results.

The few things that have helped us are setting a musical alarm clock where she picks the ringtone/music and she then is responsible to get herself out of bed when she hears it (eliminating the parent involvment alleviated that tantrum).

I let her pick out her clothes and we have resorted to flip flops for shoes as socks create a frenzy of anger for her as well in the morning as well as other "comfort" complaints and issues with all other types of shoes.

I made a calendar for her to keep track of special events as waiting for them and not having a full grasp of the concept of time created a daily battle that lasted for a better part of the evening. This helped for a while but is starting to be not effective as well.

I try to get breakfast into her system as soon as possible in the morning because it has actually helped her mood and disposition in the last week (another mom's suggestion from a prior post of mine).

Other than that....I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT OTHERS SUGGEST!!!

I am worried it is something deeper and more complicated as mental illness runs in my husband's family (Asperger's, Bi-Polar, OCD, and anxiety) so the possibilities with those genetics are scary. From some of the reading I have been doing her behaviors so far are matching up to a bigger problem but I need more advice/research/expertise.

Please feel free to chat off of this page!

OMG, I could have written your post. In fact, I think I did write one just like this. My son had terrible 3's. They were really tough for him, and me. He was exactly as you describe your daughter, although his tantrums didn't last as long as you describe. But all the triggers were the same, mostly some kind of frustration about something he couldn't do himself, etc. And he would never allow me to help either, no matter how I approached him or his problem. If I even started to tell him how he might solve his problem, he would tell me, "NO, don't say it!" before I could even get the words out.

It does take it's toll. And I'm a single mom, so I got the brunt of this, much like you. As for your situation, with her not doing the same thing with her dad, I'd chalk that up to how we test limits the most with the people we trust the most, so in that way, you can take a little comfort in the fact that she feels safe enough with you to push to this degree.

The only thing I was able to do when my son would meltdown, was send him to his room if we were home, with instructions that he was not permitted to come out until he was calm, and I had described, in detail, on many calm occasions, what I meant by 'calm', i.e. no crying, no screaming, no huffing and puffing, etc. Or if he did it in a store or something, which he did, he had to sit in his car seat until he was calm. And that was my only approach to combating his meltdowns. There was no stopping them, the only thing I could do was basically save my sanity.

As for what worked, I'm not sure you will want to hear this, but nothing. He had to mature out of it. He just had to catch up to himself. Now, at 4 1/2, he is the sweetest, most lovable, well mannered, well behaved, disciplined, active, and humorous boy. I can take him anywhere, do anything with him -and want to have him with me all the time. He will allow me to help him if he needs it, he will help me if I ask, and he is getting much more competent on doing things for himself successfully. I have come to believe that it's just really a combination of consistent parenting and discipline, maturity, and physical development. Basically, the stars have to align.

Best wishes to you. I definitely know from experience what you're going through. And I got lots of responses to my post from other mom's who knew exactly what I was going through from their own experience. Hopefully, it helps to know that you aren't alone, and that your daughter is not off the deep end and there are many other kids out there like her, who have come through to the other side! The Happy Mom Side! It sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep doing what you're doing and she'll get there!!! HUGS!!

My nephew was like that. My sister would always give into him though. BUT when it came to me watching him (which happened often) he knew that if he threw a fit, he would get put into time out. I know that you are only supposed to put a child in for x minutes of how old he is, but those time outs were much longer because that is the only way I could get them to stop. He sat on the most uncomfortable area, no tv, no contact, no nothing. After two times of me putting him on time out with those type of time outs he knew that he wouldn't get his way. I also found that even though he was a genius with word, sign language helped him out a lot. If he didn't know the word in asl, he would pantomime it. It eventually turned into a game to figure out what he wanted or what was wrong.

I like the answers from many of your respondents, especially the ones who have been able to extinguish this type of behavior in their own children.

One other thing I could suggest is that if you are worried about any mental health issues, you might try flower essences both for yourself & your daughter. Flower essences are vibrational medicine that is safe & have no side effects, which is why they are great for kids. Check out more info at Flower Essence Society.org ( just google it to get the correct link)

My husband was brought up with flower essences, and they can address specific emotional disturbances and are quite affordable. The ones I would suggest you check out for your daughter are "kinder-garden" (a blend of several essences), chicory (for selfishness/complaining) and beech (for being unpleasant, "bitchy"). For yourself, you might check out walnut (helps protect you from other's influences), oak or elm (for getting worn down, to be more resilient) and rescue remedy (for shock, trauma--of the tantrums).

There is a questionnaire you can download to help you choose which essences might be the most appropriate. If you have trouble finding it, just email me & I can help.

Good luck, be consistent, and practice emanating your husband, if she responds better to him.

There's a book called "Little Sugar Addicts" by Kathleen DesMaisons that might help you. This doesn't necessarily mean your daughter's eating too much sugar, it might just mean that her seratonin levels are out of whack.

The plan presented in this book is all about getting your child the right foods on time and let me tell you, it made a HUGE difference in my kids. It really evened out their moods.

Here's something easy you can try - next time your daughter's having a meltdown, quietly ask her to eat a cheese stick and some whole grain crackers (or even just the cheese stick - or some other source of good protein she enjoys). You might find that it calms her. If it doesn't work the first time, try it a couple more times. Also, make sure to give her a good breakfast within an hour of rising, one that has both protein and whole grains. That alone can make a really big difference in a volatile child.

You can find out more at www.radiantrecovery.com.

Good luck!

I am very disappointed by some of the posts which have been less than supportive and implied this is a problem with your parenting skills. Our first child, now 12 years old, had the same issues as your daughter. Our younger children did/do NOT have the same issues. It is NOT how we raised her that was the issue. It was her nature/temperament. Our friends, family, her teachers, doctors, etc., did not understand because they never saw the REALLY bad meltdowns. As her primary caregiver, I too bore the brunt of her tantrums/meltdowns. This is normal/to be expected.

I hate to say that despite reading dozens of parenting books and even seeking professional help we never did figure out how to really help the situation. Timeouts made matters worse. (She would refuse to go and whenever I forced her that was when things got REALLY bad. Hysterical, kicking, screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, hyperventilating.) Someone did recommend the bear hug from behind "straight jacket" approach to physically immobilize her until she got control of herself again. Had the same effect as trying to put her in timeout. I never tried the cold water treatment. Maybe that would have shocked her into calming down, but I am skeptical.

We had to wait for our daughter to outgrow it. Things got less intense around 5yo, but she continued to be very volatile and difficult until around 9yo. Now at 12yo, she has matured significantly and can usually control her temper. She still "looses it" sometimes, but things are so much better than they were.

Sorry I can't give you specific advice as to something that worked for us. However, I recently attended a parenting lecture where the topic was dealing with behavioral issues of children like this. The speaker was Barbara Brobst, author of "When the Labels Don't Fit: A New Approach to Raising a Challenging Child." I bought and skimmed through the book and found myself wishing that it had been available 8-10 years ago. It was too late to be of help to us, as it is geared to young children, but maybe it will help you...

Be strong. Remember to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Hi I'm a mom of 4 children....
Is it the tone in your voice that projecting too much sympathy in turn she tries to manipulate the moment... perhaps?
As for the long duration of her temper tantrums, are you consistent with your approach? Are you wishy washy? The kids sense this and play parents like a fiddle!
I have personally learned consistency in my methods and keeping my word.
When tantrum is done so is the subject....And if i want to sum up a lesson i wait for another time when they are happy and their heart is open to hear the message....
And treat them firmly and with love. Be confident that you are correct in correcting them. they will feel you confidence and submit....
Have courage! It's for the next generation!

I have a super screamer!!! We are now a club of two. He does not scream for that long, but has been known to throw what I call a grand mal tantrum (he is big for his age at 42 pounds and 2 1/2) and he has actually broken his crib in the middle of one of them.
I have found that his tantrums come when he's frustrated and am also at a loss for what to do with him when he gets to the point where nothing will ease his screaming except leaving him alone. I have started putting him in his bed in his room and checking on him every once in a while to see if he's ready to come down and than we address teh situation while he's not crying or screaming. It's actually becoming such an issue that it is part of the decision process on where we go and who gets to go (mainly him or his brother).

I wish I had some answers other than to let you know, I'm here with you and know you're pain.

Good luck and hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

Consistency is the name of the game. I had one of those (a boy) and the only thing that finally worked was a time out until it stopped (yes, sometimes it took HOURS). I made a routine for time out that I stuck with. It doesn't really matter what the routine is, it just has to be EXACTLY the same EVERY TIME. Eventually, that consistency will actually soothe and the time becomes shorter and shorter.

My son does this occasionally but not for this long. What we do is we completely ignore him (of course make sure he isnt in a place to harm himself) and we dont acknowledge him until he has calmed down completely. Normally he goes to his room and when he is done he comes out and says he is done. We talk to him at that point. It sounds like she is trying to communicate her feeling and thoughts but her body isnt work the way she thinks it should when it comes to putting shoes and stuff on. She will work through this I promise. Just give her time and space.

I love the book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, and have recommended it over and over to people.

My son went through a big stage of this from about 2 1/2 to about age 4... not to the degree or frequency that you speak of (although there were definite occasions of what you describe). Now at nearly 5 he is much better able to control his impulses and frustrations. He's a super sensitive kid, and unlike our daughter who crumbles and cries in similar situations, he gets "mad" and aggressive. Different kids, different temperaments. That book I mentioned above helped us tremendously. The key for us was labeling what he was feeling and teaching him how to calm himself through breath before he was out of control. And also, we really had to be clear with boundaries and letting him know what behaviors were absolutely not ok. It was important to distinguish between feelings being ok, but certain behaviors not being ok.

Handling these behaviors (especially when they only happen with you) would grind someone down. Good for you for taking a kind approach. All kids are different and not every method works for all, but personally, I'm against spanking and the water shock treatment. Hang in there... it gets better.

I also like the book How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids will Talk.

Good Luck~

I have a 4 yo daughter that does almost exactly the same thing. I dont have a definitive answer for you - we're actually seeking therapy for the family at this point - but I do HIGHLY recommend the book "RAISING YOUR SPIRITED CHILD". I almost cried after reading the first chapter...just to know that I was not alone. The rest of the book has been very useful to me!!

I have a super screamer. Or rather, I have a "passionate child who is committed to her goals and feels things deeply." :)

One resource we've loved is the "Learning to Get Along" series published by Free Spirit Publishing. They are books for preschoolers that teach American norms for expected behavior. We read one or two before bed time and reference them throughout the day. My daughter quotes them with her friends and her brother. She broke up a conflict her friends were having the other day by saying "Hey guys, you need to talk and work it out. Maybe you should cool down and work through your anger." Both of which are direct quotes from the books. I was floored.

Learning to deal effectively with strong emotions is a really hard skill to acquire. I think the biggest thing I've learned is that sometimes people (kids included) need a safe space to let go of bad feelings. I think if my husband tried to ignore me or lock me in a room or god-forbid hit me when I was upset about something, I can't imagine it would help me feel better or learn to more effectively communicate. For better or for worse, I think kids deserve the same respect.

That said, I know how hard it is to listen to someone screaming at you endlessly. And no one deserves to screamed at like that, especially not a person as loving and thoughtful as you seem to be. One approach that has worked for us (and by worked I mean created a safe place for venting that didn't violate my own need to be treated kindly) has been to offer support in the form of verbal affirmation of her feelings and a hug first. I'll stay in the room as long as my energy is calm which is usually about 5 minutes. If (as is often the case) she's not ready for comforting yet, then I say something to the effect of "it sounds like you're really upset and need to get those feelings out. I'm going to give you some space to do that. I'll be in the other room if you want a hug or want to talk about it." Then I'll go in the other room (sometimes I end up locking myself in that room because my little one likes to follow me) until I can be calm again. I'll check in periodically to see if she needs anything. Usually after about 10 or 15 minutes she's willing to let me be in the room with her and slowly she'll walk her over for a hug and some affection while she catches her breath. There's a country song that says "I just wanna be mad for a while" and I try to remember that with her. Sometimes she just needs to be mad for a while and know that I'm there when she's ready.

My daughter turned 4 not to long ago. I will say this it's gotten easier and easier every day. Most of it is developmental. All she really needs from you is your unconditional love and support which is sounds like she's got.

Best of luck!

Wow...some interesting responses. My son (2 1/2) went through a phase recently similar to your daughter--being volitle when upset, and behaving differently for my husband and me. I think it's important to remember that, of course, parenting and discipline effect the way our children behave, but they are also born with a certain temperment that can't really be changed--you just have to figure out what works for your unique child. My son has been strong-wiiled since he was born, so I think it's very unlikely that a child like him would never have a tantrum. Like I said, it's a lot of trial and error to figure out what works.
So when we were going through a particualrly rough patch last week, I called his doctor's office and talked to the advice nurse. She assured me that this was normal behavior (there was nothing psychologically wrong with him), and she gave me some great tips for a different approach to time out which seems to be working for us now. She asked my son's doctor for a book recommendation, and she suggested 1-2-3 Magic. I think the most important thing I've gotten from the book (so far) is the very beginning which really explains why it is so important to talk less when your child is angry and not show any emotion. In fact, when talking to my son's preschool teacher who's own son was much like mine at that age, she said you really get to work on your acting skills. Even though you are so frustrated, you really, really cannot let them see that.
The adivce nurse told me that the fact that he's more volitle towards me shows that he's very comfortable with me and feels secure (not that he's not with his father, but he spends more time with me right now).
I hope you find something that works for you. I know how frustrating this can be.