My 18 Month Old Screams & Throws Huge Tantrums for Nothing!

Here is a wonderful organization that helps Moms. This particular video is has a small section on "Tantrums" and what was driving the parents crazy. Also, it has parents talking about "Hand in Hand Parenting" that works with the parent - child connection. The organization offers teaching around important emotional content that is not really out there in a lot of books who offer advice on tantrums (and other parts of rasing children). Boundaires and rules are great, but this is a really essential and missing link these days in parenting.

I read their little pamplets for my 15 month - 5 year old and it was remarkable work for deepening my connection to my child and understanding his upsets. It changed his crying, tantrums and overall behaivor towards me. He is a very high level emotionally intellegent child at 7 now, so I have Hand in Hand to thank for that. I think this will be wonderful for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00ZoQDBcw6s

Their web site:

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles

all the best,
K.

Our daughter is a screamer, has been since she was about 6 mos old. She has always known what she wants but hasn't been able to say it. Your son is probably having the same frustrations! If you can, get on his level and try to talk him through what he is frustrated about. Teach him how to use his words. We'll always stop our daughter when she started screaming and say "use your words, use your words, do you want XXX?" and that really helped. It is very stressful and it escalated the stress level in our house 10 fold.

Can you figure out a pattern as to what might trigger the tantrums? Is he over-tired or hungry? Otherwise, at this age, they get frustrated very easily. They can't do what they want to do and they don't have the words to express themselves. So they scream. My daughter at that age would scream over every little thing at the drop of a hat. Eventually, after her 2nd birthday she stopped. She is now 3 and of course still has tantrums, but she is better able to tell us what she is upset about (not that we can always do much about it!). Toddlers are also very much trying to have control wherever they can and constantly being thwarted gets old quick. It is not usually over "nothing" - it may seem like nothing to us, but could be something that is a very big deal to them. Honestly, a lot of it just comes with the territory.

I think it would be helpful if you did some reading, including "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" - hopefully it will give you some insights. Why does he fall asleep crying and upset? Do you have a sleep routine in place to help ease the transition into bedtime? Do you offer him choices where you can? The key is to offer 2 choices, either of which is acceptable to you - as in, do you want to wear your red shirt or your blue one? It gives him a sense of control without allowing him to totally run the show.

Tantrums are tough because they often get so worked up they can just stop when you tell them to - they don't know how and it's actually kinda scary for them to feel so out of control. That is why it is really important for you to stay in control and try to appear as calm as you can. Every child is different, but when my daughter is having a tantrum and cannot be reasoned with, I will send her to her room. She can scream and yell all she wants, but she can't have an audience. Once she realizes that her behavior is not going to get her any attention, she calms down. I will tell her, "you are going to stay in your room until you decide to be nice!" Typically within 5 minutes she is back downstairs and a total sweetie pie.

Distraction can work wonders too - if there is a tantrum coming on, try to distract him with anything...a toy, a story, whatever works and does not act like a bribe or a reward for bad behavior (i.e. cookies).

My first suggestion is to figure out what it is he's screamming about, it's not over nothing. Do you tell him no first, is he wanting something, is he tired or hungry? If it REALLY is over nothing you might want to have him checked out to see if some thing is going on that is giving him pain. Maybe he's teething. Try vanilla or teething tablets. I tell you that letting him cry like that is not good. Read Raising Boys by Dr. Dobson. He explains the scientific research that has been done over children who are allowed to scream like that, their body releases a hormone called cortisol (The stress hormone). It can really effect them extreemely badly. I know a 4 year old who is like that, she never asks for any thing, she just starts screaming that she wants it, screams when she's told no, screams when another child won't give her the toy she wants. The reason why she does this and it has lasted so long is because eventually she is always given what she wants and is never trained to ask nicely, or to accept no. Unfortuantly, she is a subject of the whole distraction techniques. Yeah, it may work for the time being, but it will never teach them. The best book I read is called To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearle. After reading the book and using the training techniques my children did a 180. My 3 year has not once under my care thrown herself on the ground in a temper tantrum. If she does start fussing, she stops immediatly after being told to stop. She is so happy and it amazes me sometimes at how well behaved she is. Most of the time she can sit right there and watch someone else with candy or ice cream and doesn't fuss for it. She asks nicely and if is told no most times won't ask again. Good luck to you!!!

My son screams and he's 5 months old. None of my other 4 were screamers, that I can remember, so this is new to me. We've been consistent to not only try to figure out what is frustrating him and correcting it, but also saying gently, "don't scream." It seems to be helping, we'll see. =) I hope this helps. Good luck!!

I agree that toddlers don't throw tantrums over nothing. Now figuring out what is the trigger can sometimes take a genius. My daughter has recently entered the terrible two's as well. My research said that usually it is over frustration, hunger, or being tired. I have taught my daughter some general sign language for everyday things like eat, bath, more, etc. It seems to have helped some. I have also encountered that my daughter HATES being told no. This has started several potential tantrums. Normally, I distract her with a toy, cracker, book, video, etc. Most of the time, I have found this to work. I know all children are different. I hope this helps some. Good luck! Feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent.
Kat

Hi,

It sounds like you may have a strong willed child. My oldest who is almost 6 years old was like that as a toddler. It got to the point where either I was in charge or he was in charge, and I knew he shouldn't be in charge. I read "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson and Magic 1-2-3 by Dr. Thomas Phelan. Both books helped give me perspective and then I had a strategy on what to do. Now, I have twins that are 23 months old. I can see that one is similarly strong willed like his older brother. When I deal with him, I have to be firm and if he doesn't agree, he goes to timeout. I still get some stubbornness from my older son, but it surprises me more and more when he is willing to agree with me.

Good luck!

There is a great (and sometimes funny) book that I have recommended in my Gymboree classes. I read it when my daughter was in elementary school but wished I had known about it earlier in her toddler years. It may or may not help specifically with tantrums, but you might get some info out of it that's useful. The book is entitled Raising Your Spirited Child.

I have a two-fold answer for this. First, as with the other posters, from his perception, it's a big deal. My son is very intense with his reactions and sometimes it's over such a small thing to me, but I keep trying to see it from his perspective. I can at least accept that his emotions are real even though his reasoning is off. In other words, TO HIM it's very upsetting.

Giving his emotions words and verbalizing to him that you get that he is very very upset really does help. He may not calm down, but him hearing that you understand where he's coming from is important. He may not be right in the slightest but that is besides the point of validating where he is coming from. It's okay to say that you see he's very upset without. You can still say "no" (or whatever).

The second thing is that humans have several "levels" of brain power. They have a higher brain where logic and reasoning occur and they have a lower brain where their instincts function. In time of stress, fear, anger etc, the lower brain takes over (for everyone). Little ones haven't developed the higher brain and also haven't developed the nerve pathways that help regulate response. So they often can't do better than fall into their lower brain patterns. This is why he's screaming and his reactions are so intense.

He needs you to help re-regulate him to get back to his higher brain level. Validating him helps. Reassurance, your happy presence, or even humor can also help. You may want to experiment with some different reactions and see if one will "speak to him" and help him get out of that instinct reaction.

Eventually he will be able to do it on his own, but it takes years to develop. Finding how you can help "bring him back" is teaching him and giving him the basics for how to do it on his own.

Hi there,

I agree with the other mommies, babies and kids don't scream over nothing. That does NOT necessarily mean you have done something you shouldn't have, it just means he is frustrated, tired, scared, out of control, upset about something. If you just can't figure it out, you have to try to be a super-human mommy and just be patient and loving to help soothe him. I wouldn't make him be alone, because at this age, and when he's feeling out of control, that kind of punishment doesn't really help. And if he's upset, poor thing, why does he need to be punished? I'd try to be with him, hug him, even if he is being "unreasonable". He's just 1.5 yrs. old. Sounds like a phase that he'll grow out of. Our daughter started her terrible 2s early, too. :)

Good luck!!!

D., I have my 18 month grandchild here along with 2 others. I have to say that they have all learned that we are the adults, we are in charge and not them. We aren't the friend and buddy but the parent. If you will stop and consider it takes a firm and loving enviroment to be a successful parent it might help.. I have the idea that you are trying to be a great parent and don't want to have a child that is unhappy. In the world that we live in all has boundries and rules and consequences for breaking the rules if you are in day care-- to kindergarten. When a child learns at home what the expectations are and taught firmly but with love they are both happy and secure. Sounds like you are a new mom that is still learning andit will come.

You are raising a great dilemma; rather to stay with him and he might feel your anger or leave him so both of you can calm down. I would first rule out all obvious reasons for him to cry such as dirty dipper, hunger, tiredness and so on. Then I will start a quest for the best way for him to calm down a way that agrees with you as well. It can be sitting on a rocking chair, putting soft music, lie beside him etc... You always want to maintain the balance between his needs and your comfort zone. One more thing, concentrate on your child the neighbors are not important... you can read this article it might help you to gain more clarity http://parentwithchoice.com/how-to-sustain-change-in-your...