Extreme Temper Tantrums

How do you respond when he throws a fit? If it consistently gets him nowhere, then he MIGHT stop. (MIGHT :) I recommend walking away and leaving him there with no audience. If you have already tried that, then you may have to take it a step further. I will tell you about my eldest daughter. She did the same thing (she was our first-born, so for a time we did not know she should be reacting any differently). She was very strong-willed (and still is!), and I ended up seeing a behaviorist with her when she was five years old because I felt I might lose it. The behaviorist never even met with my daughter...she only met with me. She taught me how to safely restrain my child and told me to restrain her in timeout when a fit would ensue (our daughter would refuse to go to timeout by running away and throwing a fit). It was the best thing we EVER did! The first time I had to restrain her for over an hour-- my husband and I took turns because we were so physically tired. She had NO CHOICE but to sit in time out and when she would agree to calm down, we let her go from the physical restraint. She hated being restrained so much, that the fits became fewer and further between and she eventually would just say "OK" and walk to timeout on her own rather than be made to go. It took incredible patience and consistency between myself and my husband. We had to work as a team and agree to the process, but I was amazed at how quickly it worked. I think it worked in a matter of two or three months if I remember right. I, too, have always been a working mother, so don't worry about that. It is not because of that. It sounds like a power struggle, and your child needs to learn that you are in control. Best of luck to you. I understand how you feel. :)

J.,
My daughter is now 25, but she was exactly like what you are describing when she was small. I thought I would lose my mind a time or two. I read every book I could get my hands on and tried many techniques. What finally worked with her was two-fold:

I was adamant about telling my children when they were little that "My children are going to behave as nice little young ladies and gentlemen so others would enjoy having them around."

When my daughter would have a temper-tantrum, I would walk away. With no audience, she had no one to watch her and she would quit. Even if she followed me, I would walk away every time. You have to be consistent. When she did it in a store, I would tell her that "MY children do not act this way and she could not walk with me acting like that." I would ask another mom (usually with quiet kids) to watch her on that aisle for a moment and I would "disappear" around to the other aisle. She would stop. I would come back. If she started again, I'd walk away. When she stopped, I came back. It scared her so bad a couple of times when she thought I'd left her, she never did it again. I know it sounds cruel or dangerous. I thought so, too. But, I read about it and read the testimonies of all the people who said it'd worked. And it worked for me, too. Other moms are usually happy to help as you've seen with MamaSource.

The other thing I wanted to say is that my daughter was a big-time whiner. She did that sing-song mumble thing alot. I would consistently and calmly say "I'm sorry Cara, that is not English. I do not speak whatever language you are speaking. When you learn to say it in English, come tell me what you want." and I would turn away with my back to her, finishing whatever I was doing. Believe me, she learned how to say what she wanted properly. I never had to raise my voice, and she got the message. It also worked quickly.

Good luck! B.

J.,
Not to discourage you, but my youngest was similar and I would ask everyone for help and no one had the right answer. She's still like that at 14 though some improvement has been made over the years. I swear she's just wired that way.

I pray ALOT. And it gets better and I pray with time her emotional control will mature with the rest of her.

I have 2 grown boys and a 4 year old. I am also the oldest of 6 kids so I have a LOT of experience in this area. Ignoring is the best start, but the BEST thing I found was to pretend I didn't even hear him and calmly ask my husband how his day was at work? Then we go about our conversation, maybe go in the kitchen to fix a glass of tea, anything that makes it appear that the world goes on and his screaming fit isn't getting him any results. Once he stops (and he will if you keep up the game), you then calmly ask if he would like to join you and your husband or other sibling, whichever. This signals to him that he won't get anywhere with screaming. But you have to be consistent. When my little one started this, we pretty much stayed home until we broke him of it because we did NOT want to give him the power of an audience. Hope this helps.

Be careful not to do anything that he will feel is a reward for his behavior, like giving in to what he was wanting. Put him in a corner or sit on a chair an tell him until he quits screaming he can't get up, if this doesn't work, try ignoring him, go on about your busines like you didn't notice him screaming and then when he calms down praise him, read him a story or something.

I have a son who turned two just last month. Whenever he throws a tantrum, (which unfortunately happens more often than I would like) I just patiently (sometimes almost about to scream at the top of my lungs myself) wait it out. Then when he is finished I explain why he can't have what he wants and I explain why he shouldn't act that way. I have found that trying to explain during a tantrum is pointless. And his tantrums are shorter than before because he is learning that they avail him nothing. Giving in to a tantrum only teaches your kid that they can get whatever they want if they just scream hard enough. Good Luck!

your 2 year old is normal what you need to do is sit him down and get down at his level and tell him! why he cant do things in a calm voice and never argue with him! that only makes it worse! trust me my grandson is 3 and way worse with his parents he bites,hits,screams, and claims he's the boss and they have to call me to talk him down ! im am the only one who can handle him but i praise him for good behavior and dont encourage bad behavior! I can take him anywhere and do anything with him! good luck you will befine

J.,
You may want to talk with his doctor first to rule out any thought that there might be something wrong rather than just normal behavior for a two year old. Then you will feel better about trying to control the tantrums.

Strong willed children are hard to handle. You need to be consistent in trying to control his behavior. Children are very smart and if he figures out that he can get his way and control you with his tantrums you will be in big trouble. There is a video put out by Dr. Phil called Family First that might be of interest to you.
Sometimes ignoring the behavior will help also. If he doesn't get his way and doesn't have an audience it won't be much fun.
Take care.
J.

I agree with Melissa T. You have to get control of him now or you will regret it. Our kids are pretty mild mannered but my when our 5 year old was younger he always tried to throw fits. He is also more strong willed than our other kids. We started to just hold him as long as it took until he stopped. It could take hours but we found it to work. Also it always helped when he had a day with Daddy...I think Dad's make them feel more self assured and they also let them express themselves differently than Mom's do. He acts like a typical 5 yr old today.

theres nothing wrong with him! Encourage him to use his words and tell you why he's so upset! Kids are more aware then we think they are! If that doesn't work walk away from him and do something else until he stops and THEN talk to him about it.

Try "The Happiest Toddler on the Block". It has helped me tremendously with my DD.

Is he talking any? I know my son had horrible tantrums before he could really communicate. Signing helped in that regard. Also, check out the book and dvd -- Happiest Toddler on the Block. The methods really do work and the dvd helps so you can see how they actually come together. Good luck!

I can recommend a few books... The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson, Dare to Discipline also by Dr. James Dobson. If you can find a church that is doing a parenting class called Raising Kids God's Way... very good. Of course, with anything you have to find what works for your child.

Some 2 yr olds will throw temper tantrums, some do not. Remove him to a place that is alone, perhaps his room, and make him stay there. If you are in a store- leave. Do not by any means give into what he is wanting because once you do you have lost and it will only get worse.

My youngest is my strong willed one and I would make him go to his room, and he might throw some things and such but he had to stay in there until he straightened up... sometimes he just needed to vent, other times he was tired and would go to sleep... but usually after a little while he would come out a different child.

Hope this helps.

We found this extremly helpful... firmly but without raising your voice tell your child thta his behavior is unaccptable. Whatever words you choose. Then move about and do something, giving the appearance of ignoring him.
When he stops screaming, or crying, or whatever, tell him to show you what makes him angry. Help him with his words.
We discoverd that part of the anger was frustration in not being able to communicate. We helped with part of that as a very young toddler but teaching sign- for milk, for hurt. My grandson has an excellent vocabulary now. He still has tantrums. He is very strong willed. If he starts getting too wound up I pick him up, in spite of the struggles, and just talk to him. He calms very quickly with the eye contact and we try to figure out together what ge is trying to tell me. Of course, when he is just angry because we are not doing what he wants, that is just tough.

I have five children and what you are describing sounds fairly normal. But, I caution you to really listen to your intuition. He is your child and you will be the one to know when something is not right.
I have tried every trick I could get my hands on. Ignoring them, re-directing them, reassuring them, etc. I found the "Love and Logic" approach to be a pleasing one for myself and the child. I would advise that you and your spouse go online and take a look at some of the information.

Please don't give yourself the blame or guilt trip for it. There are millions of working moms and most kids are just fine. Just like the stay at home moms, they have the same problems, some of them are a mess. So go easy on yourself. Being a working mom is tough but it does not mean you don't put enough time in with your son. He is 2. He is trying to see how much power and control he has and over who. He is beginning to figure out that if i scream enough i will get the toy at the store. He is beginning to know that dad will give me everything i want and mom is a little harder to crack. Even when they get older, they know that rules are different for different people. Like my daughters. They go crazy at grammee's. They know i won't let them do that at home and it usually takes them a few hours to adjust to mom and dad's rules. I would just be sure that you and your husband stick to the same rules. Rules for you house! I know at times it will be tough very tough but stick to the disipline and be consitant. They are the smartest things! They are always one step ahead of you it seems. So your son needs to know that he can rely on you. That you are smart ones. The ones who make the rules. When he is older he will know that you are always in your spot as the parent and he can come to you with anything. Good luck! I know you are a great parent...otherwise his actions would not phase you at all. Good work!

I too have a very strong willed child as well. I work full time. We have at least one melt down every night. She has a memory like an elephant. You cannot distract her. I tell her to "use her words" or show me what she wants. Otherwise, sometimes I just have to step away and let her throw her fit. If I keep trying to fix whatever is wrong it usually gets worse.
Your's is normal according to me!