Any Way to Get Girl to Stop Targeting a Specific Girl?

Why does Mean Girl keep getting invited? I think once she starts getting excluded often enough, the M. will get a clue. You can't ALL be wrong about her child, right?

as adults you have SO much influence over this situation.

i would call her out on it as soon as i see it. even make a little fuss over shy girl. give her positive attention and show bully girl that her actions get her nothing but negative. make it very obvious that you are paying attention to the situation. say something in front of the group about her negative comments, "so-and-so, we don't treat each other like that. it's NOT cool. you need to knock it off." good and loud so that everyone hears.

1. be a good example for the other girls, as to how to respond, 2. show bully that you are looking out for the girls and won't tolerate it.

and yes, if it keeps happening, explain very clearly that if that behavior continues she won't be included. we don't treat each other that way. period.

1. stop inviting the mean girl to activities and parties
2. contact the school guidance councelor
3. have the girls team up and work together as a team on something.

there was a movie once based on a true story where two girls couldn't get along. Their parents had them spend two whole weekends together. One at each house, so that they could see how the other lived. If I remember the movie corrrectly, they didn't become best friends, but it did open their eyes to things, and things got better.

If M. never hosts then why does this girl keep getting invited to everything?
Let nature take it's course.
You are not very nice.
You don't listen when we ask you to stop.
You are no longer welcome to play with us.
Problem solved.
ETA: I assume the other girls stand up for the shy girl?
If not, then that's a different problem, maybe a mother daughter outing is in order, like a little dessert and coffee/tea at the park, where the group discusses what it means to be a good friend, and then do some role playing or play some games where they can practice these skills.

If all the girls agree the behavior is foul then they all need to point it out. Ya know, leave her alone! Why are you always picking on her! We like her, why are you being mean! We want to play with her!

Adults can speak up all they want but the change has to be coming from her peers. Peer pressure! Sure it is scary to be the first to stand up, what if she goes after you, but all the girls need to realize she can't go after everyone. They need to stand up against the mean girl.

The adults should call the mean girl out when they see her doing it, then the adults should say something to the mean girls M. and the adults should all speak with their own girls and have them speak up to the mean girl and stand up for the shy girl.

Maybe if enough of those things happen and if enough of the adults speak up to the mean girls mother, she might believe it?

~If it were me, I would not invite mean girl when it was my turn to host, or in the very least have a chat with mean girls M. that I will not tolerate the blatant meanness from her daughter in my house.

You adults should absolutely call her on it. Pointedly ask her why she does this-make hre squirm. And then tell her she needs to cut it out. And then tell her that you will stop allowing your children to have her over if she keeps it up and that all of the mothers are watching her closely for this. I bet she woun't tell her M. but if she does this is a great chance to tell her what is going on. Make sure that none of you cower to this mother. If she still doesn't believe you then too bad but do not change your monitoring of her daughter's actions or how you react to them. It is nice to see that you guys are standing up for this girl---more children should have allies like that.

The moms of all the other girls need to agree that they will ALL tell their daughters to speak up the instant they see Mean Girl picking on Shy Girl. All the moms should do it in the same time frame (say, before the next get-together) and should stick to this deal -- keep each other accountable: "Remember, we are all working with our girls this week to role-play how they should act if they see a kid picking on another kid -- even if the kid doing the picking-on is a friend of theirs." I would not use Mean Girl's name when working with the kids -- they will surely tell her somehow, "Our moms are telling us to treat you like this" or whatever. Just frame it for now as "Do you know it's wrong to pick on one person over and over? Would you let it happen, if one friend of yours did it to another?"

Then at the next get-together, the adult (are all the moms but the Mean Girl's M. there? Or just the host M. of that week's get-together? Not clear to me) has to watch and see if the girls do intervene. If they do not, I would, without hesitation, and in front of the other girls. "(Girl's name), I heard what you said to Shy just now. We all heard it. That is not acceptable in my house when I'm hosting you girls here. We include everyone in this house, and we speak kindly to everyone in this house. If you can't speak kindly to Shy, you will need to think about whether you want to keep coming to these get-togethers or not." Said absolutely cooly and calmly but in everyone's hearing.

If all the moms use the exact same line, Mean Girl will get it.

If all the girls are at least trained to step in and not be bystanders, Mean Girl will get it. But don't leave it 100 percent to the kids at this stage, because it will take them some time to actually speak up. I bet Mean Girl has them all under her thumb and they're scared that if they speak up, THEY will be the target next, not Shy Girl.

And most important of all: STOP inviting this girl. If the girls themselves do the inviting -- well, the host parent has the right to say to her own daughter, "We're the hosts this time, and it's limited to (name the other girls)." If host daughter says, "What about Mean Girl," host M. can reply, "You know what happened last time she was with this group of girls. She did X to Shy and I called her out on it then. I told her that if she can't speak nicely in OUR house she should not come. So this time let's try having fun without her."

Mean Girl's M. is going to figure this out, of course, and be on the phone or e-mail asking "Why wasn't Mean invited over?" and so on. I would tell her: "Last time Mean was here, I had to ask her to behave kindly to Shy. Shy is going to be here and I frankly would rather not have them over at the same time."

If Mean Girl has some redeeming qualities and maybe is just mouthy and socially not very adept, you moms could talk about ways to include her IF she lays off Shy Girl. But I would not let this go on as it is. You cannot control events at school, but in your own homes and in parties where you are present, be the adults -- tell the kid to her face calmly but firmly that her behavior is not allowed in your home/at your party/wherever YOU are the adult in charge and that she will need to reconsider her behavior if she wants to come back.

One other tactic I've seen a teacher use to great effect: "Sorry, is that meant to be funny?" to the child mouthing off or picking on another. Said pretty loudly and for all to hear, but deadly seriously. Sometimes the mean/negative/mouthy kid is really genuinely thinking he or she is being funny and getting attention. That comment has shut down kids who are rattling on, because when an adult says it, the kid suddenly has to either say, "Yeah, it is!" (which most won't, at elementary age) or ends up hemming and hawing and being put in his or her place.

My belief is that you TELL, TELL, TELL. Bullies like silence. They depend on intimidation to keep those they bully from speaking up. All of the mothers in this group need to help Shy for sure, BUT, they also need to help Mean Girl learn her place and hopefully stop this behavior before she becomes a Mean Woman.

I truly think that most women who bully started when they were young and "managed" a clique of weaker girls. When they come across someone who rubs them the wrong way, out come the claws and they bash them to see if they can get them to "submit". I think that this is what you are seeing with your mean girl. She wants Shy to submit every time. By trying to get her friends to help her, she feels power. You need to cut off her power. If someone doesn't do it now, she'll grow up to be someone who continues to try to find "power" by being nasty to those they perceive to be weak.

Life is too short, Kay. Both for people like Shy and people like Mean Girl.

Dawn

video tape the girl doing the stuff so that her M. can see it for herself or just stop inviting the girl to events.

Have the M. of the shy girl get involved in Tae Kwon Do to help her get the confidence she needs to deal with it.

Hopefully the other girls are sticking up for shy girl rather than just being bystanders in this bullying situation. If not, all the moms who are there should encourage their daughters to also tell this girl to "knock it off." Next time this girl bullies, call her mother to come and pick her up. Don't tolerate it anymore at this point. Explain to the mother what the problem is, whether or not she wants to hear it. Next time she comes over, remind her of the rule...we treat everyone kindly, otherwise you will not be able to stay and play.

The classroom teachers should know as well so that they can help with this behavior too.

Stop inviting the girl to places.

I would exclude this girl from get togethers until she can behave herself. When the M. asks, you simply say" We have told you for months about how your daughter treats others. Are you willing to listen now??? Then tell her on ______occasion she did X and is singling out this girl. Tell her she is welcome to come back to other events when she behaves nicely.

It's not the M.'s role to fix this, they cannot. It's the other girls who witness the mistreatment responsibility to speak up. They need to band together and tell the brat that they don't like the way she treats people.

All girls go through this type of thing as the underdog, queen bee or bystander. If the bystanders stand up together, queen bee has no power. Being assertive even if you are not the one being picked on is a lifelong skill everyone should have.

Being a silent party to the mistreatment of someone else is as bad as being the aggressor, help the girls "practice" how to respond the next time it happens.

The other girls have to jump in.
it sounds like they aren't and they are still inviting this bully to parties and after school get togethers, so all you concerned parents need to be talking to your daughters about why are they letting this happen? They are not much better than the bully if they are being nice to the bully and not standing up for her victim. The bully continues because your daughters seem to look up to her in some way or seem amused by her actions.

you all have cell phones.... video her doing these things and show her mother. You need physical proof of what she is doing. Then if the mother still refuses then call the school and show them whats going on. I am a school bus driver and I have never had a parent not believe what I say. I had a problem with bullying on the bus at the beginning of the school yr. It was a 1st grader bullying a kindergartner so bad that she was afraid to get on the bus. Before taking it to the school I spoke with the mother and she was very upset that her daughter was doing that. This problem was stopped right away.
Try everything possible to get the proof that you need to catch her. Alot of kids these days have ipods and can take videos, see if the kids can catch her at this. Have Shy speak up and tell a teacher. All the parents that see this can also speak to the school and let them know they are concerned for this girl. The more complaints the more something will get done.
Hope everything works out and you can get this girl the help that she needs.

video tape her with your phones..

Why is this girl still getting invited anywhere if she's the bully??

I think it is M.'s role to manage the issue, not fix, but manage. M. in charge must call her out on it before it begins. When at get togethers, gather the girls and in advance of bad behavior point it out.
EXAMPLE: OK girls, I want you all to have a great time and treat each other with respect. No picking on anybody....ok "Marie", I know how you can start picking on "Jane" and I won't have that here or I'll have to call your M. to come get you. This will make her watch her p's and q's and will let her know you know what's happening and won't allow it. Keep a close eye on what's going on and act accordingly. I've had a few of tose in my youngest's group and I allowed her 3 opportunities, upon the 3rd that she didn't stick to the rules, I excluded her from the group. Didn't even try to approach the M., because she was just as clueless as her daughter. Good luck.

It's time for the other moms to take a stand for this child. Do not invite this other girl to any outside activities.

At school they are sort of on their own but as far as parties and other stuff do not invite her. Do not accept any invitations from this girl, etc....totally ostracize her.

Once her M. notices you can, as a group, let her know that she has a problem and you, as a group, are tired of her ignoring you. Let her know that her daughter is a mean spirited child that will not be allowed to socialize with your children until her behaviors are addressed and stopped.

If she decides to listen and take steps to make her child stop this behavior then you might start inviting her to activities but the M. must stay and supervise her child.

I think any moms seeing this need to approach the other M.. I think coming from the M. of the shy girl, the bully's M. will not believe it. If it comes from several different moms, she may listen. If her daughter acts this way, she may be a bad M. who does nothing (likely) but it's not OK to ignore it or let it continue.

Well, you have two options.
When the adults see her acting this way, ask her why she feels the need to do so. I would fear speaking to her privately, as you never know how she will relate the situation to her mother. I'm not suggesting ganging up on her either, perhaps just asking her if that's how she feels she is going to make friends. Friends don't treat each other that way.

Second, there is always the option of just taking her home and no longer inviting her. There is nothing wrong with letting her know that she will be welcome again when she can get along with everyone else.

When one child can't get along and be nice, that child doesn't have to ruin it for anyone else.

I've done daycare and had lots of neighborhood and school kids at my house. Some kids that had family problems actually flourished following rules and being kind to everyone. Others....I couldn't reach and they simply weren't allowed around any of my kids. They weren't allowed to be with us. They weren't allowed to show up and want to have water baloon wars or play in the sprinkler with the other kids. I sent them home.

The kids I'm speaking of weren't just problems in social situations, they were problems at school as well. The parents went so far as to accuse the nice kids of being bullies because they didn't want to play with their kids or invite them to play.

In one specific instance, one of the boys who was terribly mean to my son actually became one of his best friends. The boy changed his behavior in spite of his parents. Things went along quite well after that.

My son is 17 now and he still considers this boy a friend, although he doesn't socialize with him in any way. He smokes large amounts of pot, which is fine with his parents. It's not okay with my son who is involved in law enforcement programs for his career.

The simplest thing you can do is not include the mean girl, and when she finds out she doesn't have any friends, she may change her tune. If she doesn't, then the nice girls haven't lost much.

She sounds to me like a girl with little self esteem and her only way of feeling validated is to bring someone else down. Doing it in front of a crowd is always better. Remove her from the crowd. She'll have nothing else to stand on.

It's better she learns the lesson now as opposed to when she gets older. I've worked with people like this and they are shocked when no one invites them to baby showers, etc. They are still the 5th grade bully. They don't get it.

Better for her to learn early if she doesn't have a mother who will help teach her these things.

Just my opinion.

Stop inviting the offending girl to the after school get-togethers. When her M. asks why, tell her.

Why would you involve the school guidance counselor??? This is an at home situation! The parents can do a whole heck of a lot more than the guidance counselor is allowed to do.
1. video
2. exclude her
3. give her mean looks when she acts out

The mother of the shy girl needs to handle this. She may need to write a note to the mother of the mean girl or she needs to call her with specific incidences of what is happening.

How much does this bother the shy girl? It sounds like the mother needs to handle it assuming the shy girl can't tolerate it. Maybe she just doesn't think it's that big of a deal.

Seems to me that if you want to stop the behavior, you must first get to the root of the problem. Is the mean girl an angry child and relinquishing her anger on his shy girl? Is the mean girl totally insecure and feels better about herself by putting down the shy girl? Is the mean girl simply mimicing what she sees at home?

If you can't get to the root of the problem, which, yes, takes a lot of time and patience, then just keep the girls separated until the mean girls finds another victim.