I have an 18-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly bi-polar . She is currently on medication. She can be "challenging" at times to live with, and to the casual observer she may seem disrespectful, angry, lazy, etc for which there is a low tolerance for....but when you add the "label", ones tolerance toward the behavior has to be increased. Her father and I have been separated for about 13 years, and she now lives with me (and my husband) permanently (she is not allowed in her dads home...that's another story). It has been suggested that I write up a contract for her which would outline our expectations, and when they are not met to make it clear what the consequences are. I am struggling with my ideal expectations versus realistic expectations. One of my main concerns is the alcohol and weed consumption. She has some emotional issues that she struggles with, and when she is out with her friends, she will drink, and sometimes smoke. I have made it clear to her that these substances, whilst taking her medication, are compromising her health. I've made it clear that I will have zero tolerance for her to bring or consume these substances into the home (her younger sister resides here also) and if she does, she will have to leave. Her therapist agrees that this is a reasonable request. However, what she does outside of the home is different. On the one hand, if she has been drinking, and does not want to ride home with someone else who has been drinking, then she knows to call me and I will pick her up. On the other hand, do I implement a consequence for this kind of behaviour (if it wasn't for her diagnosis the consequence would be for her to leave). Bottomline, after all this information ....should I implement a consequence for her drinking/smoking, and if so, what would be a reasonable consequence?
She's 18. She's old enough to vote, to marry, to enlist in the military. She's old enough to drink and smoke.
That sounds like a great question for her therapist.
Just me, but I think this is a conversation you should be having with either your daughter's therapist or, if you have your own consultant/counselor/advisor, you should ask them.
I grew up with a parent with BPD. Most people who haven't lived with this don't understand the myriad ways in which people with BPD can sabotage themselves and others. But what also concerns me is that you are adding her diagnosis into cutting her some slack for what you might not tolerate in a typical child. So, make sure that your expectations are reasonable for her-- not too high, certainly, but not to low, either. Sometimes lowered expectations sends a message that we don't expect more from our children, and they generally live up (or down) to those expectations.
So, as I said, I'd strongly recommend this be a conversation for therapists or professionals who have a better understanding of your daughter's abilities, limits, and her mental health situation. If she's willing to go talk to a counselor with you about this, that would be a big step in the right direction. So sorry this is happening.
My sister is bi polar. She crashed very badly as a teen and they worked with a psychiatrist. My sister could not drink or do drugs. They explained to her that she was responsible for her life long condition. So she knew, much like a teen with Diabetes knows, you can't drink. If you do, there could be serious consequences - to your decision making, to your health, etc.
My sister is incredibly emotional and not always rational. Throwing alcohol into the mix is really bad. She can at a wedding have a glass of wine, etc. but her spouse is aware. But if you gave my sister a bottle of wine, she'd down it. Without even realizing it.
So I guess my sister had the same consequences as the rest of us growing up - being home by curfew, and being responsible, etc. but she had the added responsibility of her mental health. They worked a long time with her on how to make the right choices. She did that with her therapist too.
Does your daughter know how alcohol and drugs impact her condition? Could her therapist work with her on that? Often someone other than parents can help get that message through. Good luck :)
I have no advice but wanted to wish you much luck. I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for your family.
Borderline and bipolar have no ability to do what you're saying. You know this and if you need more help with figuring out how to do this I suggest you talk to her therapist. Make an appointment for yourself and then one for both of you so that the therapist can help you say what needs to be said.
I don't think she'll be able to not do what she gets influenced to do...that sounds stuffy, I'm trying to say she has a limited filter. She sees, she wants, she does. Being mentally ill means she can't follow the normal rules we see and want.
I suggest you consider a shared/supported living situation or a group home.
Since this diagnosis was determined while she is under age/under 21, it makes it a developmental disability and YOU need to follow through with that in mind. She falls into that category and it comes out of totally different pockets. She will be able to determine how many life skills areas that she is low in and they'll decide if she even is able to work in the outside world. She might just be able to get disability the rest of her life.
I'm not trying to make it sound like she's incapable, she might well be, but she is disabled by way of having a mental illness before her developmental years are finished. So she qualifies for MUCH help.
If you approach it as a developmental disability instead of an adult who is mentally ill she'll get a LOT more help and assistance and accommodations in life.
She's about to be in college or leave home in one form or another, at which time she will drink and smoke as much as she wants. The parties at most colleges are legendary.
Many, many wonderful kids smoke weed and drink at 18. I think it's good to be realistic about what the norm is. If alcohol and weed are uniquely dangerous for someone who is bipolar, then maybe you should set up a conversation between her and a doctor about those risks for someone in her condition. What you choose to do about it is up to you, but you may find it somewhat futile when most or all of her experiences suggest that smoking and drinking are relatively harmless, when many of her peers are doing it. Obviously, she should never drive while impaired, or get in a car with an impaired driver.
I agree both substances are bad but for the sake of getting her off both is one worse than the other? It is just a thought but perhaps if you frame it as I know this is hard how about we knock off XXX to begin with and then when you are stronger let go of YYYY.
I know it is better to be off both but is it reasonable to expect her to just go cold turkey? I do not have experience in these areas but it seems like a possible idea.
Good luck
