hi all, new here. My son who is 9 took his stepbrothers ipod to school without permission and lost it. How would you punish him and deal with my stepson's mom over the gift as well. On one hand we have asked her not to send his expensive itemes to our home because he is ADHD and is punished if items are lost or broken, i would just assume she keeps them at her home.
Update- Thanks to all who responded with how to deal with my son. We had Avery sit down an write a letter of apology to his brother, he is unable to use his mp3 player until gavins is replaced. He is going to do extra chores to replace his brothers ipod and me and dad have budgeted the alotted amount to replace it this month. I have contacted the transportation office just in case someone decides to turn it and had avery make flyers to pass out on the bus offering a $100 reward for it's return. (Crossing my fingers).
To those of you who seemed to think i dont make ss welcome. You are wrong- i treat him better than his own mother. It's her reaction to this that concerns me. We contacted her last night and told her- got a good tongue lashing in the process, but SS will be in trouble when he gets home even though my son did the wrong thing. When i say get in trouble he is going to get screamed at and belittled for bringing it to my home in the first place, because it's expensive. again even though my son is the reason we are here in the first place. That is why i say i would rather her keep them at home. We have joint custody and he is with me every other week from Friday to Thursday. He has toys and electronics at our home as well as hers. I guess it's really hard to get the whole scope of the situation in a few paragraphs but hope this clears things up a little bit more.
is this where i respond. not sure, buty anyway. Please do not feel like i am placing blame with my stepson. I indeed am not, my son essentially stole it. To answer some of your other questions. This is my husbands child. My stepson is 7 and this is an expensive ipod touch the new one. My stepson has ADHD and has already lost it numerous times at our home. Luckily before we have always found it. I only mentioned stepmom, because we have discussed these items coming to our home in the past. We have six kids between the two of us. I have a 15yr old daughter, 9, 7 & 18 month old sons. A 16 year old stepson and a 7 year old stepson. His mother gave him this ipod as a gift to stepson for christmas. In the past he brings his items and with boys being rowdy things get broken alot. Then he gets punished at home for bringing them in the first place. Which is why we have asked her to keep them at home unless she understands that they may possibly get broken.
He needs to replace it with his own money. And if he has one of his own, he needs to give it to his step-brother until he can get him a new one.
Your son should replace the iPod. Out of his allowance, chores, whatever. He lost it, he replaces it. I guess that could be punishment enough, although it doesn't really address the "taking without telling" part... so I might do a separate punishment for that (restriction from video games for a week or two or whatever is the norm for 9 year old boys).
It sounds like you are trying to place blame on your stepson and his mom for owning an iPod in the first place and having it at your house. Really, the only blame lies with your son who took it and lost it. I wouldn't make a big deal about your stepson leaving his expensive items at his other home (at least not at this time, in connection with this event). He should feel at home in your home and an iPod is a personally item many teens travel with and use as a stress release. It seems perfectly reasonable that he could have his iPod with him when he is staying at your home, It is not his fault your son decided to sneak it. I'd leave him and his mom out of it completely (other than to reassure them your son is replacing it).
ETA: I just assumed your stepson with the iPod was a teenager (or at least a tween). I see where you are coming from a bit more now that you said he is seven. A seven year old doesn't really need an iPod at all... ADHD or regardless 7 year olds can't really be responsible for something that small and expensive. I still think it will look bad though if you use this as ammo to prove he shouldn't bring that stuff over. Just let your son take responsibility and leave it at that.
I would make him EARN the money to replace it. Which is more discipline than punishment.
I would also have HIM figure out ways to brainstorm how he will get the trust of his stepbrother back.... since, in effect, your son stole his step-brother's ipod.
I would start with a conversation with your son about how he feels about what happened and what HE thinks he should do...... and then go from there.
As far as your stepson bringing items to your home that you have asked he not bring..... If you don't feel like you can help him keep track of his items or work with him on building those skills..... Then you need to take them from him when he arrives and give them back to him on his way back to his mom's.
How old is the step-brother... Is this your Husband's son? How often is he at your house? Those might factor in as well to how you handle it with your son.
OUCH!
If I were in this situation, I would do a couple things...
I would make my son "earn" a replacement. Those are expensive! They don't belong at school, and he lost something that wasn't his. If it were my son that did that, I would want him to learn a lesson from that. I would make him do extra things to "earn" the money to help buy a new one. Maybe even make him write a letter of apology to stepbro and his mom?
I would also use this as a teaching opportunity for stepson's MOM as well - tell her that you will replace it, but it isn't going to be right away because those items are expensive and you may/may not have extra money laying around to do so (I certainly don't have extra money for something like that, so it would take some time for me to invest in a new one). I would also reiterate that THIS is why you don't like such expensive things coming to your home and that if it were to happen again, you will NOT be held responsible for similar outcomes in the future. I can't help but think of the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" or something like that (I might have mixed that saying up)- if she allowed the ipod to come to your house once, shame on you for allowing it to get lost, but if she allows it to come to your house again, shame on her for even sending it in the first place when she should have learned from her previous mistake!
Also, though, if she would send the ipod again, use that as a teaching tool for your son - "remember what happened the last time you took it to school - it got lost and you had to work hard to pay for it".....
Good luck :-/ That situation is not fun :-(
PS...after reading responses after I wrote mine, I really like CoMoMom's answer as well! :-)
Do the kids who live in your home have expensive toys like cell phones, ipods and the like? With 15 and 16 yr olds I tend to think they probably do. If other kids in your house have expensive toys there, then your SS should also be allowed to have his expensive toys there. Your son stole his ipod and lost it, which is NOT the SS fault nor is it his mother's. I think it must really suck to be a child of divorce where you feel like you don't really live anywhere, just get to visit someplace that ought to be your home. You've asked that he not bring his own toys when he visits....I think it must really suck to be expected to leave your favorite toys half the time. If the 7 yr old had lost it, it would be one thing. It's something altogether different for your son to have taken it and lost it, there is no way the 7 yr old should be punished for this. I also think it'd take real nerve to complain to her that your kid stold her kid's toy as if that were her fault. If it is such a problem, you could put it in a safe when he gets to your house and let his dad and you be the bad guys who won't let him play with his toys instead of his mother being the bad guy who makes him keep them at home.
Who is ADHD? Your son or your SS?
Whose gift was it? From whom?
Your son should replace the ipod. If he has money, he needs to pony up. If he does not, then you pay for it and have him work it off.
That is the natural and logical consequence of his actions.
Since he took his brother's ipod to school, he owes his brother a replacement. Same punishment we gave SS when he lost his friend's ipod. Consequence for SS might be that he'll have to wait for a replacement.
Secondarily, you need to discuss with SS about not bringing items to your house or giving them to you/his dad for safekeeping when he doesn't need it. At the end of the day, any item the stepkids took to/from our home were their responsibility. If they were lost or stolen or broken, it was on them, not us. The kids had a few tough lessons over the years. It wasn't about what the gift giver. It was about them being responsible for their belongings.
If she punishes him if they are lost or broken, then I think DH needs to have a talk with her about keeping the items in her care and not making him responsible for them b/c he's not capable. Or DH can take it when SS arrives and dole it out when SS is in the house. There's a fine line between "not my problem" and making a kid feel unwelcome.
Needs to replace it. Then needs to have something of his taken away until its replaced.
I agree dont blame your stepson for bringing stuff into your house. Talk about a way to make him not feel at home.
Your son needs to replace the ipod with his own money somehow. And he needs to have 5 hours of housework added to the punishment for taking property that is not his.
Your stepson has every right to bring HIS belongings with him when he spends time with his father. Your home should be as much his home as it is your kids' home. If his ADHD causes problems with him keeping up with his belongings, then you need to help him figure out a system for keeping up with them, not simply ban his things from your house. Maybe have a specific place in his room for his iPod, etc. when he's not using it. If someone else takes it, it's not HIS fault for having it, it's the thief's fault for stealing it.
Your son didn't "essentially" steal his stepbrother's iPod. He flat-out stole it. That's what it's called when you take things that don't belong to you without the owner's permission. He needs to be taught that if something doesn't belong to him, to keep his hands the f*** off it. He had NO right to take the iPod and HE needs to be responsible for replacing it. If he has money, he needs to pay for a new one. If he doesn't, then you need to pay for it and have your son work off the debt in menial labor.
About the stepmom. No apologies. Just matter-of-factly tell her what he did. WAIT for her to fuss. Then say to her "I just want to remind you that we have asked you many times not to buy expensive gadgets for him because he has ADHD." You know, SHE is part of the problem and without fussing at her, she needs to know it.
I agree with CoMoMom about how to deal with your son.
Dawn
You need to replace the ipod. Your son took it to school and lost it. That is the bottom line. If your son has any money, he needs to give it up to contribute to the replacement cost. Maybe after this your step son's mom will not send him to your house with $$ items. Hopefully you have enough entertaining toys and stuff to do at your house where he doesn't need to bring his own.
So-someone stole it-because if he lost it at school, then it's still there-no?
Replace it right away-no sense having the mom go through some sort of conniption. Going forward, I would tell her that you will not replace anything else-and as you say, she needs to keep the expensive stuff at home. I would remind your son-who probably feels terrible, that we don't take electronic items to school-tell him everyday until he graduates-he'll get the message.
I agree with the replacement of the item. One way to simplify this would be to consider it thusly: if your son had stolen ANYONE's ipod, what would the consequence be? He'd have to replace it and apologize. Siblings are sometimes irresponsible with each other's property. Your stepson chose to bring it, chose to leave it unprotected (not safely put away where his younger brother can't grab it) and this is what happens....
As for 'dealing with' the stepmother, it's simple :"We've asked that stepson keep his favorite items at your home and he chooses not to. Other than putting it in a safe (if you have one), we don't really know what you want us to do when Stepson brings this stuff to our house. Do you have any suggestions?" Put the ball back in her court. His being ADHD has nothing to do with being punished if items are lost or broken. Maybe she should **wise up and stop giving him things he's not willing to take care of**, instead of making this your family's problem... but she'll have to reach that conclusion on her own. This is a trust/communication issues between she and stepson.
And if I were the parent in this situation, my son would be paying for the device through withholding of his allowance (or a portion of it), an extra job each week with an assigned dollar amount which he must complete, and giving up half of any gift checks that come in for presents, etc. It sucks, but he needs to understand how valuable the item was and that it *isn't* easily replaced.
It seems like you and some responders below are placing blame on SS and his mom. The fact that you asked her not to let SS bring certain items to your house is completely irrelevant. Your 9 yr old should more than know better than to take something without permission AND take it to school. What if he had taken something from someone who consistently lives in your house? What would the punishment be. On a side note, it sounds like your SS gets treated differently than your children. Your house should be his house too, therefore why shouldn't he have his belongings at his house with the expectation that they will not get stolen by people living in his house? And as his mom, I would be pissed if ANYONE stole something from my child as you should be that your son stole something from your SS, who should be treated like your son.
I think it should be natural consequence. He needs to apologize -- in person and maybe in writing -- for disrespecting his brother's property and pay to buy him a new one. You shouldn't punish the step brother by making him wait -- if you can do so, I would purchase it for him, but then he should be required to repay through chores and "community service" (cleaning up the neighborhood, volunteering in public venues, etc. -- assign a monetary value to his work and apply it toward the total cost).
I would also give him a deadline and a further consequence, so this doesn't get drawn out too long.
