Are We Sometimes Behind Our Own Resentment?

You can't go all one way or all the other way. The reason for the resentment is what should be considered, before you decide if it's something you can ignore or something that needs to be addressed. Some things need to be addressed right away and others need to be addressed later, when everyone envolved has calmed down. Passive agressiveness may not be very fun, but neither is someone who explodes at the least little bitty thing you do or say. People have a tendancy to avoid exploders and hide things from them, so they don't explode.

What a great question! Yep, we are usually the cause of our own resentment, at least in my experience. That doesn't mean we have necessarily "caused" an unpleasant occurrence in the first place, but how we interpret the event and our future options doesn't always include working it through, or forgiveness. We probably learn a great deal of this in our childhoods, watching adults model supposedly adult behavior and resolution.

My mother, for example, could hold forth at length about how much she resented us kids (in the days before reliable birth control) for destroying her life plans, yet she would not tolerate an angry word from any of her 4 daughters. What was left for us as little kids but simmering resentment? I was in high school before I dared express anything but loving adoration of my mother, or developed the guts to argue with her about anything. (Not that I ever "won" – her temper was formidable.)

And yet, I've recognized throughout my adult life how important it is to get over that, and not for anyone's sake but my own. It has taken a great deal of reading and some counseling to help get me past my learned pattern of silently simmering. And my loving and patient second husband, with gentle honesty, helps draw me out when he can tell I'm stuck on some negative reaction. I'm getting better at expressing what I'm feeling, but even at almost 66, I'm still working on it.

You're right, it's not healthy. In my case, I've learned that suppressed anger (or fear) can bring on a severe asthma attack. As I've gradually learned to express myself more clearly and honestly, I've been able to drop the use of a very expensive inhaler that I had to use for many years. Yay – evidence that I'm making progress!

A particular process that has helped me with this is Byron Katie's "The Work." Sincerely answering 4 simple (but not always easy) questions:
1. Is it true? (my judgement about a situation or person)
2. Can you absolutely know it's true?
3. How do you react/feel, what happens inside you, when you have that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought? (this can be mind-blowing!)

For more on this pathway: http://www.thework.com/thework.php

ADDED: OnePerfectOne reminds me that in my 20's, I found Transactional Analysis (as in the wonderful book I'm OK, You're OK) was transformational for me, and the beginning of my real growing-up.

Healthy communication within our interpersonal relationships is the most I important thing.

Adults need to deal with each other as adult-to-adult.

Not parent to child.
Not adult to child.

Say what you mean and do what you say.

Basic stuff, but SO easy for people to overlook.

Good rule for life? "Speak Up!"

Oh man, you are right. It's not healthy. I learned to speak up and ask for what I want or negotiate changes.
There are ways of doing it without being aggressive, just assertive.

Passive-aggressive is like the other day with my H. He ask what the kids wanted to eat, they told him. We were out getting it when H launches into a triad about how expensive the meal my youngest wanted was. I told him, it was true, it was expensive and if he would have told said child, he would have picked something else. But he didn't. He waited to fuss about doing it.
I told him I didn't want to hear it because it was then, passive aggressive.
He was resentful about something he could have easily changed or negotiated. It just hurts a relationship. It's a way of coping his mom taught by example. Don't do that to your child. It's dishonest.

Good for you for changing your way of coping. You can fix it. You can fix it for generations.

Yes, I agree. It only took me about 40 years to figure this out. :P

I think we all do that at times.
Sure, I have too
Try not to.
Main thing we are self-aware and try to work on ourselves.

My Husband the other day, I was irked at something.
And he told me "You decide how you react to it. I can let it bother me, since it has to do with me too, but I'm not going to let it get to me..." And as basic as that may sound and as common sense as that may sound.... he's right. But its not about who is right and who is wrong, but he was just giving me a tip, as I was venting to him about it.
Sure some days we have it harder than others and some days its HARD not to let things get to us... but some days its easier.
We are human.
Not perfect.
But main thing, we are nice to each other.
Despite.

And all I know is, when I am PMS'ing... I have less tolerance for lots of things. But we plug on.

And then good ol' Husband will say, that we don't have to let others or other things, bug us. Its our choice.
Yes.
But some things, do manage to get under our skin... especially when life is complicated.
But sure, we all try to be a decent human being.
I think?
LOL

Feelings are simply chemical messengers produced and distributed by the body. They allow us to receive information about our internal and external environment. So, the way I think about it, I am the cause of all of my feelings. This doesn't mean there aren't reasons outside of my control for my feelings...just that feelings are my own. I am the only person able to deal with 'em. And, yes, often I do a great job of hanging onto my feelings rather than seeing what they have to tell me, and letting them go.

If I am willing to recognize them when they come up, "I'm feeling angry/sad/hurt/whatever," and then sit with it for a moment (instead of getting all crazy reactive), and then when I am calm, decide what to do (talk about it, write about it, don't do anything, etc.), usually I can come out the other side a little faster.

Way to go realizing this too! I mean, how many folks go through their life never realizing that they are responsible for their feelings. I think it's really freeing to own 'em. Yay!

Passive-aggressive people sure aren't any fun... especially those you have to live with. Neither are people who say whatever they feel whenever they feel it and don't care about the fallout.

It's possible to choose to respond to a circumstance or a person instead of reacting. But that takes some thought.

One thing that helps me is this: when you're confronted with a situation, you can get mad, or you can get curious. Not both.

If I choose to get mad ("That blithering idiot!"), I do some venting and get it out of my system, and that's that - no benefit to anyone or anything but my immediate feelings. If I choose to get curious and start asking questions - "That's interesting. Why do you think that?" (or "Why did they do that?" or "I wonder why she said that?" or whatever) - I nearly always learn something that helps me make a better response.

Sometimes that response is to be able to talk or to help. Sometimes it's letting the problem stay where it belongs and not taking it home with me.

Yes, I have to step on my emotions a little to control them! But that's all right. I'm not stifling them. It's good to have emotions; it's just not good to let them rule you. God made hearts and brains to work together.

I think that feelings of resentment develop over time. I deal with it a bit differently, depending on who it's about. For example, if I'm feeling resentful towards my spouse, it's usually a sign that I need to sit down and talk about something with him. If it's resentment towards someone from my past, I can normally process that on my own without talking to the person about it. The feelings can come and go, so I try not to take them too seriously. Feelings change depending on whether you are tired, hungry, overwhelmed with other things, etc.

I guess to answer your question, I think it depends on the person. Sometimes it's helpful to talk with a trustworthy friend or family member about what you are feeling. Sort it out a bit and then decide on how to best handle it.

Good thing is, you are totally normal =)

I agree 100%. I used to do this - hold everything in, and then get angry over something small: to me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. To my SO at the time (previous to DH), it was out of the blue and made no sense.

Now, I try very hard not to do this. When something happens that upsets me, I try to give it a few hours and think - is this important? If it is not, I let it go (and really let it go). If it is important to me, then I bring it up after the kids are in bed in a calm way (as much as possible). As in "Honey, I'm still thinking about what happened earlier, and it upset me because XXX" And then we can have a conversation about it - not an arguement. And I almost always feel better about it when we are done.

I'm working on myself not keeping score when I get angry. I'm telling myself that my social life will be much livelier.