I'm about 25 weeks pregnant and I have to admit, even if the circumstances between the father and I are very bad, deciding to keep my son in my life has been one of the best decisions in my life. Like I've mentioned, the father and I no longer speak to each other and I've only talked to his mother once while we were dating (long before we found out that I'm pregnant). I'm not sure what kind of portrait is painted in her mind about me, but I have been debating whether I should try to contact his mother somehow to see if she would want to be a grandmother.
I'm just afraid that she may tell me off on behalf of her son, or even if thats a big no-no considering its going against the father's back. Do you think its a good idea to ask, or just refrain?
**Update: Sorry, I failed to mention that from what I've gathered about his mother, she seems like a pretty nice woman; however, I only talked to her once... And about child support, it has been a very ugly battle between him and me which is one of the reasons why we no longer talk, or can't even talk "civilly."
HUGE sigh of relief! Thank you all for the support, advice, and encouragement through this difficult situation. I'm pleased to say that my child's father has finally stepped up to the plate and has taken responsibility for our son. His mother now knows she'll be a grandmother in about a month!
Dear A.,
If I was you, I would wait until the baby is born and a DNA test is done and confirms that her son is the father. Why? Because you don't want her to come to you telling you that her son is not the baby's father. You want to have something in writing saying that he is! Once you have that, you can invite her to come and see her grandbaby.
Blessings
If *I* had a grandbaby coming *I* would want to know and to be a part of their lives.
No idea as to whether or not it's a good idea.
I second the note idea. My parents split on very bad terms and my father's mother, my "Nannie", was always in my life and I loved her very much. Honestly she didn't let him know that she always kept a relationship with me. That way things were good with her and her son but she didn't miss out on being a grandma. So I say send a card, maybe with a copy of your best ultrasound pic, and say something like you are always available if she wants to see or get to know her grandbaby. I would probably include my phone number or email in the card and then the ball would be in her court. I think an actual card by mail is best if you have her address. Congratulations and I wish you the best!
This is a tough one. I kind of feel like its the father's responsibility to tell his family. Given the current issues you are having with the bio dad, I'm not sure I would want to be contacting his family around him. That said, I'll tell you 3 stories of different friends:
My 17 year old cousin had a baby and never asked bio dad for child support and never had anything to do with bio-dad or his family. Actually kind of blissful for her anyway to not have to deal with an "ex" all through her daughter's childhood. No shared holidays, no visitation. When her daughter grew up she found her bio dad and they have somewhat of a relationship but not much. This ship may have already sailed for you since you're seeking support anyway which will entitle him to visitation and I'm not sure it's the best route for the child.
Story #2, ok not my friend, someone that posted here on mamapedia. No interest from bio dad and family then when baby is not quite 2 yrs old, they are wanting to take him for overnights, court is ordering visitation and the little one is scared - they are strangers to him. That would break my heart.
Story #3, a friend of mine is the paternal grandma in this situation. Her son denies paternity during the pregnancy and for some time after (even after DNA tests done - LOL - talk about denial). My friend decides to believe the young girl and her parents and shows up at the hospital with gifts and flowers to see her grandchild. She has visitation once a week with her grandchild - loves him to pieces. Ultimately, talks her son into counseling and helps him accept the little boy. Happy ending.
So, all in all, I think it's better if you try to have a relationship with paternal gramma. You will know pretty quickly if she is going to be thankful that you contacted her or if she's going to be adversarial. I think it's worth a shot. Better that she is in his life from the beginning than coming back confusing him when he is a toddler.Good luck to you and congratulations on your soon to arrive new family member!
As long as you are reaching out to her because you know how beneficial having a family will be to your child, then for sure. I would want to know if my child had a baby.
That said, make sure your communication to her is formal, to the point, doesn't come with strings, makes no mention of her son, and directly asks her to respond with either:
A. Yes, I want to have contact with my future grandchild. Please keep me posted as the due date comes closer.
B. No, I do not want to have any further contact with you. I would prefer to have my son take the lead in all things related to this baby.
Personally, I would want to know before the baby comes. I also would encourage my son to pay child support after proving he was the father with a DNA test. I would then want to have a relationship and help out the mother however I could. I would NOT try and take the baby away or force visitation because I am not psycho.
Personally, I think she should have the choice as to whether or not she'd like to have a relationship with her grandson. Yes, she might 'tell you off', but at least you would know you had done the 'right' thing in giving her the opportunity.
I would send her a note stating that although you know that you and her son are having a difficult time hashing out the child support issue, that if she wishes to develop a relationship with her grandson, you would be fully supportive of that and here's how to get a hold of you. You may also want to mention that you won't mention the child support drama to her during her visits because you want to be respectful of her role as your ex's mother and do not want her to feel as if she is caught in the middle of that drama.
I hope, for your child's sake, that she ends up being receptive to your letter. It's always nice when a child has a relationship with both sides of his/her family.
it kind of depends on WHY the father isn't in the picture, but i would say from what you've said, a note or an email might mean the world to her. very likely she would love to know her grandchild.
If she is a nice, reasonable person, she would appreciate your gesture to include her in her grandchild's life. Send a note or call her and let her know you would like your child to know his grandma if she is willing. Then she'll know what a nice reasonable person YOU are, too!
I would ask her. Let her know you will accept whatever she tells you but you would like your child to know his/her Grandmother. A lot of Grandma's out there are there for the child regardless of their loser sons.
Hopefully this guy comes around and will man up for his responsibility. Please go to court and get what your child deserves.
i think it is okay to ask - but not okay to expect anything from her.
Try to reach out to her. She is family now.
Maybe you could contact her about meeting you out for lunch. If she is going to tell you off it may not be so bad if it is in a public place. It's possible that she will tell you off. It's also possible that she won't. Try giving her the benefit of the doubt. It may be an uncomfortable first meeting and all, but you don't know her yet. It seems like it would be cruel not to at least let her know there will be a grandbaby in the picture. If you are not getting a good vibe as to her feelings toward you, your pregnancy, & the baby in general, you could either arrange to try a couple more public meetings to build a relationship or let her know otherwise. At least this way you know you tried.
She has every right to know that you are carrying her grandbaby. What she does with that information is beyond your control. However, you CAN control whether or not she has a relationship with your son or not based upon what would be best or "healthy" for your son. If you have her address or e-mail I would send her notification. Be very aware though she might see it as something more though such as you trying to maniuplate her or her son to get child support, etc. Her son has no choice.....he WILL pay child support because that is his child whether he likes it or not.
Whether she likes it or not either. Its going to go either one or two ways. Either she will reject you and snare at you like a snake or she will embrace you for the sake of having a relationship with her grandchild. You don't know her very well .....be cautious she may "seem" nice at first but sometimes the ugly monstor in law doesn't rear its head until later. Then again she might be the very best thing that ever happened in you and your son's lives.....I say go for it but be prepared that it may not end up the way you wanted it now or even later on. I hope it happens sooner rather than later though because once she is "involved" with your son its almost as if there is no turning back because then you will be the ugly monstor taking your son away from his Grandma....believe me if he is old enough he will ask. Hopefully she won't see it anything else other than you reaching out to her to have a relationship with her Grandson and she will be thankful-that is my prayer and hopes for you ;()) Good Luck!
Hi A. :-)
If you are asking the question for the benefit of your child, then it seems easy to come to the conclusion. Contact the grandmother of your baby and see if she has any interest in your having any kind of relationship with her, as well as your baby. She "may" tell you off, but it's just part of being the representative of your baby :-) I don't think this is going against the father's back, they are two separate people and you have two different relationships.
Blessings to the outcome!
hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner
She has the right to KNOW...BUT you have the right to determine whether or not a relationship with her is healthy for your son.....You should tell her and be open to the possibility of a relationship with her because of your son, but do not think that she has the right to have a relationship with him if she is a toxic person....just my thoughts.....
I would reach-out to her. She may not agree with the way her son is handling the situation, but is not likely comfortable seeking you out. While I completely understand your concern, I would still offer to have her part of your child's life.
I would probably send her a note first and include your phone number or email address. Let her know when you are due and invite her to contact you PRIOR to the birth if she would like. If she contact you, then find a time to chat or meet for tea and have a light chat about your pregnancy and let her know that you are willing to have her in your baby's life, if she would like to be.
This woman may be a great support to your child, so at least give her the chance. If she snaps at you, then at least you'll know where "he" got it from and "where" you and the baby stand.
Good luck~!
If it were me I would want to know, but maybe I would talk to her first to see what she thinks of you. I would have the thought in the back of my mind that either she would try and take custody of the baby or maybe talk the father into taking you to court for a custody battle. I had a friend that had that almost happen until the father decided to just give up all rights to her. If the mother got nasty enough she could spread rumors that aren't true and get your son taken. That happened to another woman on here. The baby's father's mother said because she took her youngest son from her she was going to take her's away. It was awful. I would just think long and hard about it. are you going for child support from the father? if so then the mother will find out sooner or later. Good luck.
