At My Wit's End! Please Help!

Sounds exactly like my daughter when she was at that age and it only got worst as she got older. She is now 17 years old and she was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 15 years old and now she has A's and B's and she cares about a lot more. The problem with ADHD is that their brain is so busy that they can't stay focused which is why one day he might care about something and the next day he doesn't care because he cares about something else. My daughter is on Adderal and it is working well for her and it does keep her focused in school.

At my home,we go by the belief that you do not take away items for bad behavior, but give them for good. Otherwise it turns into a power struggle and you end up with nothing else to take away and no leaveage.
Our sons favorite thing in the world is his Wii. He is allowed 1 hour per day. We have placed a set of index cards on a roledex-like ring with the numbers 60-0 in 5 minute increments on them on our fridge. He begins each day at 0 and for each situation that he acts appropriate in, he receives 5 minutes towards his time. Also, we have a daily schedule that is posted on the fridge as well, so he knows exactly what to expecte at all times of the day. His Wii time is 4:30-5:30 daily...this gives him the entire day to earn minutes. Again, what works for one child may not work for another. You just need to keep trying until you find the right one. By the way my son is 4 and very, very strong willed. Best of luck and stay with it....it's worth the effort.

Some thing is bothering him and this is his way of feeling like he has some control. Although it may not seem like it to you he is in control of what's going on.
You need to find out the root of this behavior. If he has a good relationship with his grandpa or nana I would discuss the situation with them and then let him go over there for the weekend and one of them can casually bring up a conversation about what's bothering him and he will likely open up. If you can find the root of the problem then you can have a better understanding of how to deal with his behavior and work with him to get it back on track.
I would recommend the emptying out of his room and such if he was a little older, but he's only 6.
My oldest went through this type of behavior when he was 14 and it wasn't fun.
Maybe he's being bullied at school or something, who knows but you have to find out what it is. I wouldn't recommend you or your husband asking him right now, because he won't open up to you. He needs to talk to someone who he doesn't feel threatened by. Not saying that you are threatening him, but you guys are the keeper of the keys so to speak and grandpa and nana aren't.
As far as the games go, I would ground him from his game playing all together until he brings home notes from the teachers saying his behavior has improved and so have his grades. With the understanding that if he back slides they are gone for good. And you have to stand firm on that mom. He's testing the strength of the line and you can't waiver.
Good luck and hang in there.

The first thing that came to mind was "what sort of discipline does she enforce?" I am from the old school and I believe in "spare the rod spoil the child". From what I read, you do not follow the same philosophy and that's fine. When my daughter was very young, she did get spankings, though not very often. After turned 5, I stopped spanking her and just talked to her and started taking away her privileges. She is currently 11 years old and I rarely have any issues with her.

Here is the only thing I can suggest. Instead of giving him a time limit for good behavior, if he misbehaves take away all privilegs until he can show you that he can change his behavior. Don't ground him for two weeks, ground him! No icecream, no visits with the grandparents, no video games, play time, nothing. Take away all toys, games etc. out of his room and reach until his attitude changes. Make him spend his spare time doing extra school work, chores (oh yes they can do chores at that age,)anything educational. It's very important to stick to the plan. Let him know that bad behavior will not be accepted or tolerated at any time and he will only get his stuff, and privleges when he adjust his behavior

Hi C.,

I know how hard it is, but yes, you have to stay strong and consistent and you have to keep finding his "currency" and changing it up so that you're always finding something that affects him alot.

I would also recommend reading anything by John Rosemond, especially, "6 Point Plan for Raising Happy Children" (or something a lot like that. He also has a DVD on Parenting a Strong-Willed Child and he does not recommend corporal punishment (hitting) or yellling. But he has GREAT ideas for other ways. He also has an incredible Web site, www.rosemond.com and his books, Web and everything else are really fun and enjoyable reading.

Good luck, my daugther is also very strong-willed and it is definitely trying to our patience!

K.

Hang in there! Some things I thought of as I read your post were: Could it be his diet? I've had friends who've taken their kids off any foods with red food dye and extra sugars and had great results; and have you tried a day-by-day system? I know at six, a week can seem like forever! Does he get much outside time? My kids are video game fanatics, and it's not always easy, but I make sure I get them outside to run around when weather permits. At school, does he have any 'buddies'? If you could find just one friend he connects with, maybe time outside of school would be a great reward idea? Just keep listening to him; it's amazing what goes thru their little minds!!!!

Since you say the BIGGEST problem you have with your son is LISTENING and following directions, has your son been vaccinated? It is known that side effects from vaccines can interfere with cognition. (hopefully that is not the cause) If it is not then understanding that children think differently than adults will be a good place to start. While you understand the logic in taking things away in hopes to change his behavior, he does not and in truth (as you have learned) will make it worse. Begin by LISTENING to HIM. Change dialog with him. His mind is full of thoughts and he has not yet learned how to structure his thoughts and actions much less coordinate them. (sadly we expect so much of children, yet they see adults at times do not 'act right' but do NOT get punished so become resentful) They ONLY know what they FEEL and are too young to articulate this in any way other than behavior. What is your son good at? What does he like? What does he like to do? What interests him? What does he want to be when he grows up? If you are not aware of the answers to these questions, I believe it may help to begin asking him about him and when he sees your interest IN HIM more than "his behavior" you may start to see some improvement in his behavior due to feeling better about himself. Best wishes for you and your son.

Okay I haven't seen a post yet on possible ADHD or Sensory Integration Issues. I would guess there is more going on inside of him that you and he may not realize. I would get him tested to see if there are any issues at least that way you have a reason and can make a plan to help him. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. There is the book Sensational Kids and The Out of Sync Child you can read. I think they will be very helpful in trying to figure him out and if you should proceed with testing. If you end up needing an occupational therapist for testing (after reading the books) then I recommend Eric Graffeo in Clearwater
###-###-####. GOOD LUCK...I know it's tough! Hang in there, I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. My son has sensory integration and had problems at his previous school. I put him in a Montessori school where they work with the individual needs and personalities instead of grouping them all together trying to treat them all the same. What a HUGE difference this year!!

I have an 8 yo son with ADHD, and he was about your son's age when we first saw these same behaviors. We had him Connor's tested and he began counseling. Sessions with the counselor really helped, and after a year of behavioral counseling, he was able to learn to control himself better and be able to listen and follow directions.
I am not saying that your son may have a learning disability, but I do recommend getting in touch with a pediatric behavior counselor. It worked for me.

Hi C.,

I read your request and couldn't help feeling your frustration. Although it's been a long time since my son (only child) was 6 years old, I can tell you some of our expectations of him when he was 6.

He was never allowed to play Ninetendo during the week. That was a priviledge. We did not reward with food, that could be dangerous later in life and lead to him rewarding himself with food. Because he liked Ninetendo, we would go to Chuck E Cheese to play games. They also had a program where the kids would get tokens in exchange for good grades. The more "A's" the more tokens. So basically he was rewarding himself. School always came first and it was explained to him in the manner of "that was his job." He was allowed to have friends over after school only if they were going to do their homeword together, then play. The weekends were for socializing and playing Ninetendo, unless there was a school project due that needed to be worked on.

This may sound harsh to you, I don't know. I'm just sharing some ideas. I would be happy to chat further if you are interested in doing so.

D.

Have you tried making TV time, playstation time, video games, etc...his actual reward? Meaning, if you are good at school and at home on Monday then you can either watch 30 minutes of TV or play 30 minutes of playstation. As he starts to improve his behavior he can increase his time. If he gets in trouble at school or at home then he would not have earned any TV or playstation time.

Another idea is to completely clean out his room, all of his toys, tv, playstation, absolutely everything except for his bed, bedding and clothes...everything else has to be earned back and if you don't behave then you will do without.

This may sound a little harsh but from what I read it sounds like your situation is getting worse and if he is getting in trouble daily at school then you need to take fairly drastic measures and believe me he will start to care.

I also would cut out any and all sweets and candy if he gets any including any type of sodas, this may also help his behavior.

Good luck and trust me I know that it is hard, I also have a 6 year old who can be very trying at times and it is times like this that we need to remember that we are the parents and not the friend.

Good luck
M.

My son is now 8. He still often has to be told things 100 times. I definitely understand your frustration. The most important thing with reinforcement/punishment is consistency. That being said, is his teacher reinforcing the same behaviors that you want out of him? Have you sat down and talked to him/her? Teachers spend quite a bit of time with our children and sometimes if you tell them the expectation @ home, they'll match ____@____.com luck. Keep me posted.