Attitude Toward Teen Pregnancy

What you said and what they heard seem to be two different things. You said that she had made a bad choice. Life is all about choices and the consequences do often affect and impact the lives of the innocent.

I am 63 and would try to get the girls to look at it from the child's view. The child will be loved but we all know how peers, especially girls can be critically speaking. The child would be denied 2 parents. The mother would have to work so much more to keep themselves above water. There is a lot of good life out there but babies are a huge responsibility, which should be the mother's, not the grandparents.
If the one twin wants to have a child later on, that is years down the road. There are things to do to prepare for such decisions and it could be they were feeling you out, just to see if they could "get you".

Hmm, we all want our children to make the right decisions. When they do not make good decisions, we cannot blame them, we can just support them.

If your children make wrong choices, do you tell them "you are so bad, you spilled your water"? "You are a bad person because you did not do your homework".

I would go back to your girls and explain what you are hoping they will do. Go to school, get a job, travel, find the person they love, get married and then have children, whatever your wishes for them are.
Then explain that cousin skipped lots of those things, so you are worried that it will be harder for her. That there are good choices and choices that if not considered can really change our lives.

Of course do this in sections over a few days. Talk first about how you will always love them no matter what. How you will always be proud of them no matter what they do, but that you can be very be disappointed if they do not behave in respectful and thoughtful ways. My mother told me this when I was young. She told me she would always be on my side even if I did the worst crime ever. She would also always love me no matter what, but that did not mean her feelings would not be hurt or she would not be disappointed with my bad choices. This empowered me to always know I was loved. I have gone through life knowing that I will always have someone there for me. I also am a pleaser so I made choices that would not hurt or disappoint my mom (myself later).

Let your girls know now that going to school is not just 12 years. That then they will go to college.

Then ask them what kinds of jobs would like to work at. Then ask them if they could travel anywhere in the world where would they go? Then ask them what kind of home would they like to live in, what kind of pets would they have, what color would their living room be? What color do they think their husband's hair will be?

Eventually get to the point that it is hard to get to this point if you have a baby before you finish all of these tasks.

Also let them know it can be done with their cousin, because I am sure the entire family is going to support her no matter what because she is family.

I had a friends mom once tell us, "do not make fun of other peoples children, you do not know how your OWN, will turn out!" I always assumed she also meant do not judge, also.

I was 17 when I had my son. I am now 32. So when you say --- is being "punished" and that the child will "pay" for what the mother did. That really hits a nerve. I was raised the way you are teaching your daughters. No sex before mariage and that the family unit consists of a mother and father etc. I do see that it was a sin what I did and that I was wrong BUT I do not feel that God "punishes" us for these type of things. My son was and is a blessing in my life! Yes, times were hard. My friends were out doing things that I could not do because I had someone at home to take care of. I was responsible for another human being at the ripe age of 17! That was hard. But I NEVER thougth of it as a punishment! And I don't think my son ever felt that way either.
You must be careful how you word things to your children.
now that being said. My son is about to turn 14. We have had the birds and bees talk and when he asked about my age, I was honest and I did tell him that I know that what I did was wrong and that yes it was hard. It would be even harder now. Times have changed and people are less responisble than ever. I told him that I hope and pray that he is careful and decides to wait. The consequences are tough, yes. BUT he is the greatest reward ever!!
I'm sure all moms on here who were teenage moms would agree.
You get enough criticism from strangers and "so called" friends. If you are her family you should be supportive! I had my share of family members just like you who criticized and told me I was an embarrassment to my family etc. Well I have to say, I feel that my son and I have turned out just fine! As a matter of fact. His father and I married when our son was two. We are still together and very much in love. We have a daughter as well. Things CAN work out for the best, but you and your daughters should not shun this girl. You should love and support her more now than ever!

Having been pregnant as a teen (18 to be exact) I think there are some better ways about this discussion. I think kids need to be reminded that the ability to have a child is a gift from God first and foremost. It is not ideal to get pregnant prior to getting married and preparing for a loving family, that is what God teaches us. However, I would not even say it's a bad choice if someone chooses to have sex and gets pregnant prior to marriage, it is a choice they have to deal with and we all hope they make the right decisions. Nor would I phrase it as something that the child is going to have to pay the price for. There are a lot of loving teen parents that have amazing children. Yes it is tough to be a teen parent, it's tough to have kids regardless of where you are in your life. Just because you are a teen parent does not mean that your child is going to suffer the consequences of your choice to have sex as a teen.

Having two children of my own now, and still with my husband who I got pregnant with at 18, I am seeing things very different than I did as a child growing up. I think it is very important to discuss sex with your children when they can fully understand what it means and the consequences of having sex. The bottom line that I contine to believe is the ability to have children is a gift. There are so many people out there that cannot have children and there are so many people that can and take it for granted. Our children need to understand that sex is not a game, children are not toys, and our lives are what we make of it.

I think you have started in the right direction with your girls, but now you need to go back to them with clarification so they do not continue to think someone is a bad person and is going to be punished. Additionally, they need to see that although their cousin has made this coice, the family is hopefully going to be supportive of her and whatever decisions she makes.

Had I not had the support of my family as a pregnant teen things may have been a little different, but I still would be a college graduate, supporting my family the way I do today!

Best of luck.

Hi A.~
First, let me start by saying that I gave birth to my first child three weeks prior to my 17th birthday, I'm now 40. Further more, I agree it is God's plan to get married and then have children. So, how to explain this to my girls (8 & 10) will be challenging to say the least.

My advice, when the opportunity presents itself to chat with your girls again about this topic or you can start the conversation with saying something like "What I said the other didn't come across the way intended, can I try again? Let's talk"

1. There are always consequences with the choices we make in life. Good consequences as well as bad. The choices we make create our tomorrow. However, when we make bad choices we can correct and move on with life.

Bad choices can make life that much more challenging and difficult and produce struggles we couldn't imagine prior to the choice we made. Being a young, single mom definately has it struggles and changes everything in life.

Good choices can make life fun, rewarding and exciting along with the challenges that inspire us to keep moving forward to follow after our dreams and passions.

2. Does making a wrong choice mean we are a bad person. No, you gotta remember God's grace and forgiveness as well as the scripture that states "all things are permisable but not profitable" But it can alter one's life drasticly, like teen pregnancy can do.

3. Stick to what you wish for your girls. Your dreams and hopes for them. Share your heart with your girls about what matters to you. Tell them the choice you wish they would make regarding sex, marriage and children. Be straight up honest with them and don't hold back. BECAUSE everywhere they look and the things they listen to are strongly giving their opinions REPEATEDLY. Help your girls sort through the media's message and how to handle that.

If you have any questions regarding my experience with teen pregnancy, you can email me privately.

C. H.
____@____.com

Hi A.,

I just wanted to say that I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant, and while I don't believe I was or am a bad person, I definitly made some bad choices and it is important to try and explain the difference. My daughter is now 9 years old and I try to be as open with her as I can(with out being inappropriate)when she ask these difficult questions. Its harder in my situation because I need for her to know that while I made decisions I shouldn't have, she is still an amazing person and a gift from God. I told my daughter that life was harder for us because of the choices I made and that when we pay attention to Gods plan things tend to work out better. God is not giving us rules to follow just because he likes to watch us jump through hoops and punish us when we fail. He gives us rules to live by because he loves us and wants what is best for us. God is a loving father, and so he does what any loving parent would do. He gives his children limitations to keep them safe. But that is not to say that when his children fail he does not forgive. As any loving parent would do to there own child, he welcomes us back with open arms.
I hope this helps

Oh and in answer to your other question,
I think that girls start to have crushes way before boys know whats going on...
Good Luck!

I think that as unfortunate as teen pregnancy can be, condemning the mother or child is not in anyone's best interest. Some people make mistakes, other's are so emotionally for lack of a better term "messed up" that they feel the only way they can feel love is by having a baby. And what about the poor girls who have been raped, but don't believe in abortion? I think that the best bet would be to explain that the better choice would be to wait on sex until marriage. But in this day and age that doesn't always happen. I would let them know that it's the ideal and that it's expected in your household, but other people believe differently and sometimes they don't expect for things to happen. That's how I would do it. Hope things work out for you.

I have no idea how old your girls are, but this does present a good teaching opportunity. Please keep in mind that studies have shown that "abstinence only" sex education doesn't stop teens from having sex, it just stops them from using protection during sex. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008... (I hope the link works, if not you can copy/paste).
The 19 yr old cousin made a poor choice, but different people will tell you which choice they think was the bad one. Some will tell you that she made a poor choice in deciding to have sex before marriage. Since studies show that 95% of people have pre-marital sex, you might think it's a bad choice, but apparently it's a very popular one (http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-12-19-premarital.... Others will say that she made a poor choice in birth control methods, if any were even used (that would be my take, personally). And then others will say that in addition to poor birth control methods, abortion is still legal and she could have gone that route as well. Some people will even tell you that this is God's way of punishing her for daring to have sex outside of marriage. I'm not sure that's the message that you want to send. I tend to take offense when people tell me that because I'm female I'm not supposed to like sex and that I'll get punished for having it. But hey, that's me.

I am a divorced mother of two beautiful boys, and don't plan on doing the marriage thing again. For your daughter that expressed the desire to have a child, but not a marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want the father to be involved. It is possible to not be married and yet still share a responsibility. Millions of people do it every day. As was noted below, there are many variations on what constitutes a family, and I don't think we should condemn any of them as long as they're loving and supportive. I would recommend showing support for the pregnant cousin, while at the same time making sure that your kids know how to prevent something like that from happening to them.

I'm sure you've really opened a can of worms with this one. I didn't read the other replies, but I think that saying the baby will have to pay the price took it too far. I would have just said that she made a bad choice and now she has to take responsibility for that choice and leave it at that. I'm assuming that the 19yo cousin is not married, but even still 19 is considered an adult and she has to take responsibility for the choice she made. And then she has to make an even more difficult choice as to whether she will keep the baby, how she'll handle being a single mom as regards work, school, her future in general. I think explaining it all out would put the gravity of the situation in perspective without saying someone is a bad person or will pay for the mistakes, which in my opinion is really harsh.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my son... as an earlier mom said, you really hit a nerve with me. My son did not pay the price for my mistake and I do not consider myself punished because of my son. I'm sure in your line of work you often see babies that do suffer consequences from the choices of their parents. However you can't be so general. You know your cousin and I do not, so maybe you were justified in saying the baby would pay the price. If that's the case, maybe you should be using your Master Degree in Social Work to help her out. Because I guarantee you that's what she needs right now.

I was raised in a Christian home and went to a private Christian school. My family did not just go through the motions of going to church, my parents have a personal relationship with Christ, as do I. Even with all of that, I still messed up. With all of the shame I put on myself, I never once felt that from my parents. They taught me that sex was for marriage but instead of shame they gave me grace. There is nothing that can make a child feel more secure than grace.

It is important to teach a child right from wrong, but it is more important to show them there is nothing they could do to take away your love. How do you think your daughters would feel if they were to get pregnant? They would be replaying what you said to them over and over in their mind. I know this is a tricky subject and I often struggle with what I'm going to say to my children when they get to that age. I think the best thing to do would be to use your education in social work and your experience as a parent. Tell them just how hard it is to be a parent with a mother and father involved and how much harder it would be to do it alone. Tell them the expenses they would be responsible for- the food, the diapers, the child care. It's important to realize that our children are individuals and make their own choices- good or bad. It's our job to teach them what's good and bad but in the end that is all we can do. If your daughter's choice is to have a baby and not get married would you love your grandchild any less? I am not by any means promoting teen pregnancy or saying it is impossible to be a single parent. I am involved in a single mom ministry and have the utmost respect for everything they do. Rather I am thinking of the innocent child in the middle of the situation- the only person involved that had no choice in the matter.

My husband was born to a 19 year old mother and he has paid the price. She's a sweet, good woman, but her life has been chaotic and stressful trying to raise a son as a young single mother and it was a difficult, unstable childhood that I wouldn't wish on anyone. She was a hard worker, which I admire, but she was so busy working trying to provide that she was never around. It's such a difficult situation for all involved and my husband has made sure he made choices that were different so his life wouldn't be like hers, and he's a happy, well-adjusted adult who has learned that her problems and her life don't have to be his. I agree completely that children deserve to be born to committed, loving parents who can afford them both emotionally and financially (and I'm just talking about basic food and shelter and love here). It's just not fair to the child. But even if that's the ideal, people can still make a life for themselves full of happiness and good choices to follow.

I will teach my children the ideal and hope they live it, but I will also make 3 things clear: 1) I will love and accept them no matter what, 2) I am confident in their ability to make good choices, and 3) I'm not going to rescue them from choices they make. I will love and support them no matter what they do, but they will grow up knowing that they need to think long and hard before making decisions, because decisions have consequences both good and bad.

A.,
I don't attempt to have an answer, but I do want to give you a heads up on just having this conversation. MOre parents need to do this. Point out the fact that this child will more then likely be brought up in an environment without the daddy, or if the daddy is around they are going to have to work very hard to even feed the baby because they are not ready to have a home... So many negative items to point out. One of the hardest situations for a child is to grow up without a Dad and MOM and a stable home.

Keep talking to them,f they need to hear the truth. Always point out babys are a gift from GOD and we should be ready to accept the gift and love it forever, which means we have to give so much of ourselves and are they ready to give up all those exra's.

Blessings,
M.

Not sure how old your daughters are but I was single and pregnant at one point. Granted I was 21 and already had a few years of college under my belt but the way you explained it may have been a little harsh. Yes she made a bad decision but the baby paying the price part might not have been great. The way that I have explained it to my 7 year old is that God plan is for us to get married and then have children and I tell him how children are hard work and God made parents to work as a team. I've also told him that being a single parent is not only extremely hard but it's very tiring and you don't feel that you can always give your child the attention they need. I stress all the time that my son should think about having children until after he's married and make sure that he knows that the only thing I would have changed was that I would have rather of been married when I got pregnant with him.
Again not sure how old they are but if they are associating pregnancy with punishment and one of them ends up pregnant they aren't going to want to come to you out of fear of punishment. You should probably explain it more that it's a bad choice and it's difficult but God will help their cousin through this but she will need a lot of help and that she may struggle a lot or if she had goals of going off to college then she will need to change those goals and might not get to follow through with them. Let them know that there are a lot of sacrifices when you have children. Let them know that you would hope they make the right decision but if for some reason they end up making the wrong decision that they can still come to you for help. I was terrified when I got pregnant but knowing that I could talk with my parents about it and they were there to help me although they made it clear that it was up to me to raise my son. And I did and he's now 7 and I've struggled but he's always been in the best daycares, had nice clothes, food in his stomach and is now attending a Christian private school that I had the money to put him in. That's not the story for everyone but if you have family to help you through the stressful times and I don't mean mooching off of them but having them to watch him every now and then when I needed a break really helped. I would hope that neither of your girls get pregnant bc MAN IT'S HARD ALONE but they do need to know that they can come to you with anything without punishment.
Good Luck

A.,
You are correct in telling your girls what God's plan is - marriage and then a family. However, just because a child is brought into the world by a parent who is only 19 does not automatically constitute "paying a price". I was a 19 year old single Mom...I am not saying it was an easy road, BUT she is doing wonderful. In fact, she is doing more than her father or I was ever able to - go to college. So, before you assume that a child does not have a chance in life when born to a teenage Mom - please consider those of us who do the right thing by our children and make sure that they have the opportunity to do well, just as a child born to any other family. I preach to my 3 daughters all of the time about the risks of sex before you are ready and everything else that one might talk to their teenagers about. Truth is, no matter how much you preach - it can happen to anyone, even a girl from a great family background with parents who love and support her. So, the best thing you can do is love your girls and guide them to the best of your ability. They will one day thank you for it, no matter what happens in their lives.

I think you should share your views with your daughters and try to impart your strong morals. However, I wouldn't worry too much about their current attitude. I distinctly remember thinking as a teenager that I didn't want to get married, but I did want a baby when I got older. Boys at that age were nothing too impressive and I hadn't ever experienced mature love. So why would I want to get married? I got over that. Once I was married, I wasn't sure I wanted kids! Now I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful babies! My parents raised me with strong Christian values and my mom was very open with me about sex and love. I do suggest you be cautious about negatively judging their cousin though...

I don't know what your nieces plans are for her future or if the father is in her life to help with the baby and I don't know what type of person she is whether is she someone that don't care anything about life meaning she just wants to think of herself and have a good time rather than have an education, but I made a bad or wrong choice, however I put it, it was 17 when I got pregnant, my boyfriend was in the picture, we got married and had our daughter at 18. I am 42 now, with 3 children (2 girls and a boy) and have been married for 24 years. But I can confidently say that I turned out to be a GREAT person, work as an Administrative Assistant at a College, make a comfortable living with my husband Yes, it was a wrong choice that she made to have sex, but I wouldn't go as far as saying that her baby is going to pay the price, that sounds harsh, yes, it is definitely going to be a setback for the young mother, but that shouldn't ever mean that your doomed just because you have a baby even at that age. That also doesn't make her a bad person just because she made a wrong choice. I believe in God, he is in my life constantly in my thoughts, heart and soul. But that doesn't mean that I am consistent with going to Church every Sunday. Since I have been through this experience I know first hand that it won't be easy but it does help you grow up faster because it did for me where I knew I had a responsiblity to take care of my child, but our GOD is great, as long as she talks and brings God in her life he forgives. My belief and I stand strong with this, is that the only way we are punished is when we punishing ourselves by making wrong choices. But we live and learn. Now when you say is she going to be punished, no, she isn't going to be punished by God, but by herself. By being punished by herself for the choice she made, I mean that it is going to be a setback for her if financially she is struggling, it always comes down to financial stability. But if she takes the responsiblity to bring that baby up and love that baby, she will be just fine!!! Look at me, I am proof of that! It's not an excuse but we all make mistakes at one time or another. We punish ourselves when we make bad choices. I hope you could understand what I was trying to say. I will say a prayer for your niece that GOD will give her guidance.

I am a happily married mother of a total of six children. I started when I was 17 and I can assure you that my children have not paid the price. I'm not sure if your words came out wrong while trying to explain to your children that having a child at such a young age is wrong. Yes, I admit getting pregnant at such a young age was not my plan, but I wouldn't change any of the decisions I have made because then I would not be where I am today. I had no support from anyone and still my children are the best thing that have ever happened to me and have not suffered. I am a better person because of them and they have everything they need & want.
As for explaining to your daughters that getting pregnant at such a young age is not a good idea. You first have to explain that USUALLY (because some people do actually fall in love forever at this age) teenagers are impulsive and/or get infatuated with someone without realizing that this is not real love. Having sex should be with the person you love and that you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You should also explain the difficult time they will have finishing school or working with a child at home. Especially, since you are not going to become a full time baby sitter for them, right? If they become pregnant they will also have to make sacrifices in their social life.
Maybe this will help you out a little.

Always try to remember not to "react" to them. When we react they turn off or start to push more buttons. Remember when we were their age a lot of our views & thoughts were different than they are now. Life & experience tend to help us grow up. A lot of people have given you some great advice. Keep the lines of communication open, Hard to do, I know. My mom always played the what if game with us when were were growing up, even older teens. "What if you were only allowed 30 seconds to run through the house and grab the things that mean the most to you, what would you grab?" She would start off with some thing like that and then get more serious in nature. Spending time with them one on one may even show you they differ in their thoughts but have to feel united when together. My cousins were twins and this was often the case my aunt found out. Good luck.

Sounds like you are getting some great advice. Keep talking with your girls. Educate them and keep the line of communication open.

I would just point out that her punishment will be self-inflicted because as her friends are out doing things she'll be tied to the baby and while you will love your children unconditionally, you can have a lot of upsetting feelings when you are tied at home with a sick baby and your friends are going to the movies or hanging out together. I would also point out that babies are such hard work that it's very hard to do it without a partner. I would also reiterate that you will always love your girls even if they make choices in life you don't agree with and that if they were in a similar situation you would still love them and your grandbaby but you would feel a lot of dissapointment for their missed oppurtunities.

About the girl that doesn't want to get married first. I promise, she'll most likely change her mind. A year ago I swore that I would never have kids or be married. Today, I'm married to the MOST WONDERFUL man in the world and we are expecting our first baby June 11th. Your daughter is a teen, she doesn't even begin to know what she'll want in 5-10 years. Explain that when she's old enough to make the decision to want to have a baby and she is financially stable and can provide for one that there are options that go along with your views about sex before marraige. In the mean time your job is to make sure they understand your views. Not because God says so, or whomever you believe in, but because you, their mom, believes this way. Make sure that while they know you oppose sex before marraige that you also educate them on how to be safe (when the time comes) tell them about the different STDs and how most stay with you for life. A lot of pregnant teens I know are pregnant because they were uneducated or afraid to ask for protection. If your kids are determined to have sex before marraige they WILL find a way just make sure you've done everything in your power to make sure they are safe.

Explain further about the cousin. The last thing you want them to think is that thier cousin is a bad person, better yet repeating it to people. Tell them that not everyone agrees with you but that's how you feel. And explain that a baby is NEVER a bad choice, sex may be, but a baby is a great thing. About the statement that the mother and baby will have to "live with it".. you don't know that. This baby could be the best thing to happen to this girl, it just depends on the mom. Good luck, I remember these conversations with my mom and am not looking forward to reliving it for myself!

M.

I think the most important message you can send your children is that no matter what choices they make, you will be there. I was raised to believe that if I got pregnant before marriage it was the worst possible thing that could happen to me and my family. Now that I have my own daughter, I believe that losing her would be the worst possible thing that could happen. I have friends who have lost their children to lukemia, drug addiction, a car accident, even suicide. Share your dreams and expectations with your children, and by all means explain how difficult it is to raise a child on your own - but it's not the worst thing that could happen. Besides, we all say silly things when we're young. I recall telling my parents that I would never get married - and if I did I definitely wouldn't do it until I was at least 35. Well - at 24 I was married and had my daughter when I was 27. Maybe an overnight babysitting gig after their 19 year old mother-to-be has her child will help them see what a huge responsibility a baby brings. Good luck!

Teen pregnancy is a big, huge responsibility. For example: staying up at nights, making sure baby is well taking care of, which medicine is best, fever, shots, milk, pampers, etc.. Too busy taking care of the baby when teens should be worried in furthering their education. If it wasn't pregnancy then it could have been a sexual disease. If they ask her cousin, that also will help, I'm sure she has alot to say to them. And no one gets punished, it's simply called CONSEQUENCES. Everyone deserves a second chance. You live and learn.

I would focus more on timing with family planning and explaining that if she does get married, God's got just the one picked out for her and also that God has that special child picked out for her as well (mate or not). Until she meets Mr. Right or not, God's got plans for her and special things He wants to do with her life. I would teach her about birth control and taking care of a baby and preparing her life for it (such as being financially stable and being through with school). I wouldn't negate her feelings about not being married but structure her mindset for where it is right now. Who knows what God has in mind for her. I always saw myself having children on my own. I couldn't phathom that there might be someone out there I could spend a liftime with. Luckily I wasn't ready for children until after God sent me my soulmate. I never married until 35 and just had my last child at 40.

The most important thing is being comfortable that you are living God's will for you as best you know and that you're right where God wants you to be. It's different for everyone and can't be compared to another teenager who is pregnant or even one who is not.

I think every mother needs to be able to raise a child as if they were a single parent. You never know what turns life takes or whether God will call the child's father home early.

If she wants now to be a single parent, start preparing her for such before it happens. Hopefully, it won't until she meets that one person who sweeps her off her feet.

You could also use the opportunity of the cousin having the child to have her "help" out and get close to the situation and see for herself how hard it is. It might change her mind. Pregnancy is glamorous. Then reality hits after the baby is born and you don't get sleep. Hopefully, she can get a good close look at the reality of it and learn from her cousin's choices.

The one thing that you can include that marriage comes first then after building a relationship with your partner then children can be considered. Pregnacy makes a change in many marriages and when the baby is born the responsiblitiy of raising the baby is to much to bear sometimes. that is why it is important to have the father in the babies life. As far as that 19 yr old cousin being pregante and probably not married and the father is not in the picture. Yes that was a bad choice but one she will have to live with. This is where they need to see what she goes through so they learn that that was not a good choice for the mother nor for the baby and the parents of that young girl. At 19 yrs old in my opinion she may not be ready but she will have to work hard to provide and love her baby. I am not saying it can't be done because I have seen it but it is so hard for a young person because they haven't quite lived your life. I had my first baby at 35 and I can honestly say that I did everything I wanted and have no regrets. When children are in the picture they take all the part of your life and they are first infocus. Well I don't think I need to tell you what you already know just point that out to your twins. If anything I think you had to work harder having twins. I look up to you sounds like you are doing a great job with your girls. You talk to them and that is so valuable these days. Good luck.

Hi A.,,,,

You took it to far ,,you shoul know and understand that are kids teens and early 20's have grown up different then we have.They should never be told grow up get married and live happly there after.Because have the facts not proven that that is a lie.Most marrages end in divorce.I was 19 unmarried when i had my first son 30 now ,,he's a LVN has a daughter 7 ,and has been helping raise 2 other 's that arent his 1 is 9 1 is 11 .he is not married ,but the kids all make at least a B average or they will bring grades up ,,so he turned out really well.My other son is 22 went to some college he has had the same girl friend for 4 yrs they never want to have kids see the difference in 2 boys raised really by a single mom i divorced my yungest sons dad when he was 3 .Life and Love go on no matter how it works out,you went to far.
L.

I think you should take a practical route, rather than a moral route:

"We all want what is best for our children. It is very hard to be a single parent and raise a child or even children. Both boys and girls need male and female role models, which parents easiest offer. With tow parents it is easier to provide the financial and emotional support that children need. Babies take a LOT of time and energy to raise, and they need a lot of love and attention. The mother and the foather support each other as they raise their child. While many alternate families structures may work, you need to consider not only what is best for the child, but what you are capable of. Babies are expensive, and even if you have a good job and can afford day care adn babysitters, don't you want YOU to be the one raising your child rather than some baby sitter?"

This can be a great place to begin to open communication with your children about how special life is and how much God loves us.
The baby is a gift of life, no matter how it started. God created the bonding of man and woman in marriage because He knows that is the best way to have loving committed relationship and that is the best place for a baby to grow in a loving caring community. Marriage is a sacred gift of God.
That being said, God gave us free will and we make choices, some good choices, some bad choices at times, and then we live with the consequences. That does not make us bad but we do suffer consequences, but because of God's great love for us He redeems us from our sins and makes us whole and pure.
So....what to tell your daughters... maybe something like "When I said that there would be a price to pay, it means that there will be consequences. Just like when I tell you not to touch the stove and you touch it. You get burned. You are still a wonderful child, but you chose to disobey me and now you are suffering the consequence. Do I love you yes. Will I help you get a bandaid and hold you while you cry, yes --- because I love you." But your finger will still hurt and it will take time to heal, that is the consequence of touching the stove.
That's the same way with God, for our benefit he sets up limits for us, so that we can live the best life possible through Him, but when we disobey, we have consequences.
Cousin --- will have a baby without being married and that will make things harder for her but God still loves her and we still love her, and maybe some time we can help her with the baby so life is a little easier. Then the baby will know we love her/him too.

You don't say how old your girls are, I just assumed that they are tweens or teens. I do think that you referred to their cousin's situation in a wrong manner. Yes, the cousin did make a choice to have sex before marriage and whether protection was used or not is now pregnant. This does not make her a bad person. Nor, could you necessarily say that she made a bad choice if she used protection and it failed. Yes, the Bible teaches us we should wait to have sex until marriage, but in today's society, VERY few do whether raised in a Christian home or not.

To say that the baby is going to pay the price to them could be seen as an assumption that any child who has only one parent at home is not living a good life and everything bad will happen to them. With so many single parent families today, this could lump several of their friends into this group.

Just because the baby is being born to an unwed mother does not mean that the baby will have a bad life. Yes, stats show that single mothers typically have less money and struggle more. But, that does not equate to the child having to "pay the price". This cousin may turn out to be the most loving, giving, caring mother in the world. To me, that is more important than being able to give that child whatever possessions he/she wants. There are plenty of very wealthy people in the world that think just because they can afford to give their child whatever possessions they ask for, they are giving their child every thing they need. But, are these people also giving their children all of the emotional things that they need as well?

I think that you need to sit your girls down again and have a well thought out talk with them. Explain to them how you were raised. I am almost 40, was raised in a strong Christian home, no sex before marriage, etc., so I know where your words came from. But at 32 I found myself pregnant. My boyfriend (of 2 years at the time)and I were committed to one another and have stayed that way. I refused to get married just because I was pregnant, I've seen too many marriages fail because the marriage happened for that reason. My now husband and I have remained together and committed to our family. We finally married a year and a half ago.

Explain to them your views and statistically why you believe the baby "will pay the price". But, you also have to tell them that whatever choice they make in life, whether to get married or not, you love them and will support them no matter what.

I would definitely sit down with your girls and explain your comment further.. About me-- I was pregnant at 21 and I had twins.. I'm now 34.. I did make a bad choice by having unprotected sex.. I really don't think the kids paid a price (especially when you look around and see how other kids are raised and neglected these day), because I am a devoted mother, I had a good job that paid our bills, and I never really struggled until I got divorced when they were 5 years old.. and even then, we had food, shelter and lots of laughs and love ... It was a very difficult time in my life, but I made sure I was paying the price, not the twins... But the girl that is pregnant will be paying the price.. During my entire 20's, I was raising kids.. not in college, not hanging out with other kids, but I was reading bedtime stories and reciting the alphabet... I wish that I would've had the twins when I was older and mentally ready.. but I didn't have a choice. Your twins need to understand that just because she made a bad choice, doesn't mean she's a bad person... We all make bad choices all of the time.. whether it's a white lie, having premarital sex etc...I don't know your religion, but as a Christian woman, she will not "be punished" if she asks God for forgiveness.

Furthermore.. you daughter is young-- when I was her age, I never wanted kids at all-- I wanted a career and be rich... Well, now I have 3 wonderful kids and I am not rich by any means!! I believe my purpose in life is to raise my family to be the best they can be, and I love every minute of it. Your daughter has plenty of time to rethink her position on marriage, kids, and other "adult" things, so I wouldn't worry about her thoughts of having kids and not being married...

Good luck to you and your daughters...

You did not say how old the girls are. If they are high school or j. high they will be able to understand what you say. If they are younger be careful what you say you do not want to have them judge their cousin. That can lead to bad feeling in the family. Children are a gift from God he does want there to be two parents to raise them. However sometimes there is only one parent to do this job. That is a simple way to explain this event. Good luck.

I have to share my experience. I knew at the early age of thirteen that I wanted to marry and have 4 children. I feel that children are the greatest gift that God can bestow on a person. I married at 18 and started my family at 20. I was blessed to have 4 daughters. I told the first daughter when she was five years old that she would meet a wonderful man someday and have a family. I told the second daughter that she would be a great business woman. I told the third daughter that she would have a wonderful job and a wonderful life. I told the fourth daughter that she was very creative and she could do anything with her life. These comments were made when the girls were very young and asking "Mommy what will I be when I grow up?" My 1st daughter is married with 2 children, My 2nd daughter is the CEO of her own company, My 3rd daughter is a free lance writer and travels, and my 4th daughter is an artist who just had a baby out of marriage. If your daughters are young there is still time for you to sow seeds for their future. I wish now that I had been clearer with the three younger ones about sexual relationships, marriage and babies. I see my youngest one struggling to care for her daughter and it is so sad to me. The other two don't seem to have time for relationships or children. You need to project your values on to your daughters NOW before it is too late. I thought that taking them to church and youth programs would be enough, but the times have changed.

Im sorry but i have a problem with u telling ur children that their cousin, who happens to be 19 which means she is an adult, made a bad choice by having sex. I had a baby when i was 19 as well. and my daughter has paid no price by being born to a young mother. I resent the people who treat young mothers the way u are doing. if ur daughter makes the choice in the future to only have a baby and not marry, however she does it, i think that would be a wonderful thing. I think u went about talking to them the wrong way. im sorry if this sounds like im being rude or whatever but im only telling u how i see it and how a lot of my friends would see it as all of my friends are also young, responsible parents. Also u didnt mention wheather or not the father of this child would be involved.

I don't think you took it too far, I just think you didn't clarify what you meant or far enough which ever you want to look at it. You need to go back explain to them that GOD IS A GOD OF LOVE, not one who punishes, he gives us rules to keep us from hurting ourselves. The baby will not be punished but the mother will have a hard time raising he/she simply because of what God intented the family, a mother,father and children. He designed sex as something a man and wife to enjoy among each other. There are many relationships to have in this world but he wanted husband and wife to be significant. The wages of sin is death to your soul because thats just the consiquence on why God puts the rules out there not a punishment he made. Go back and tell them those type of things.

I have had that conversation with my daughter too. My answer is kinda based on Dr. Laura's advice. No, "Jane" isn't a bad person but she did make a poor choice. Her life is not going to be easy, she will not get to enjoy the perks of having a husband and father to the baby in the home. I have a now 20 yr old cousin that had her 1st child at 15. While everyone else in the family was attending her baby showers, I chose not to go because my daughter was only 11 at the time and I felt that by going I was supporting the situation and sending my child the wrong impression. I just tell her that is not the life choices and life style I want her to adopt. I never condemn those that made other choices but I do try to show that they have a long road ahead of them. It gets even harder in Jr. High & High School when almost 1/3 of their classmates are pregnant. But I think I've made my point because mine is compassionate but has no desire to follow in their footsteps.

I'm 29. My kids are 11, 10, 9 and 5...and none of them have paid the price because I was a young mother. I think it's great to talk to your girls about sex, and explain to them God's plan for marriage and children, but seriously, you screwed the pooch by telling them the kid is going to pay for her decision to have sex.

Perhaps you should explain to them not that the child is going to pay, but what the mother, their cousin, is going to go through. Until you've been a young mother, you don't have a clue...and the last thing she needs is someone else to look down on her and run their mouth about her behind her back. How Christian is that? Try instead to help her. And next time you talk to your girls about how bad their cousin is, remember "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (John 8:7)

Just explain that ---made a mistake, but we forgive her and will offer as much support as we can. But, it is not God's plan. It is sin and requires her to ask for forgiveness to receive God's blessing. Hopefully, she and her baby will beat the odds. But, the odds are... There are so many negative effects on the single parent and on the child and on society without the spiritual implications. But, the spiritual implications are there too. At least nowadays there is so much more help and support for when things like this happen, that is not too devastating as in the past. But, it is not what is best for the mother or child. Look up some stats if you want to get the point across. Reader's Digest had a great article one time, interviewing teen parents (boys and girls). It was so enlightening from their perspective and how they had wished they could do it differently. I bet they have it archived online somewhere. Wardens and teachers and policemen know that a single parent home allows for so many problems. Does that mean there aren't exceptions - no way. There are some great parents out there who are single parents. But, even they know it would be better if there were 2 of them. It's not the end of the world. But there is a better choice.

How about explaining how important both rolls are in a mother and FATHER. You did not mention how old your girls are. 19 yr. old cousin is not a bad person but she has been making bad choices. Depending on your twins ages ask them to tell you what bad choices she made. Having sex before marriage, becoming pregnant with out intent of marriage, neglecting her baby to have a important factor in her life a father full time, there are many reasons this isnt the ideal situation for the baby. We still love 19 cousin. It was a bad choice and we will be praying for her to make the right desision....which is what? In my opnion adoption if she does not intend on marring the father any time soon. My parents have been married for over 35 yrs. they married at 19 and 20 and mom was pregers! Best of luck.

Hi A.. the bible tells us in Romans 3:23 that we all fall short of the glory of God, in short we have all sinned or done things we shouldn't have. It's great that you have a degree in social work, but some issues, ok most issues that arise in life requires wisdom from God, after all he is our creator.You are correct in that the their cousin made a wrong decision. What your daughters should do is learn from this without the cousin looking bad. They need to know temptation will always come no matter what,It may start small but, even at the smallest level only by the spirit of God can we resist.

You could say something of this nature:(I'll just call the cousin Jane)...Jane made a bad choice but that doesn't make her a bad person in God's eyes. It just makes things tougher on both her and the new baby...tougher than they could have been. Babies are always blessings from God, regardless if they are surprises and out of wedlock, but its important to acknowledge how God intended things to be and in the right order. If she wants to have children without getting married, maybe she can consider adopting children in the future...a win, win for everyone!

Not sure if the explanation you are looking for is about "teen pregnancy" or "having children out of wedlock" but I hope it helped either way.

Watch the Crosspoint Church Service from Pearland. The subject title for this month is on sex. Truth is wonderfully explained.

Just remember, they are teens and to them most things in life are black and white and so simple. I think an important thing to do is to paint the big realistic picture for them. Let them see first hand not only the lifestyle change, but the life changes that their cousin is about to make. Chances are this cousin is not aware of all these changes yet. But, when your teens see all the limitations she is about to face, they will understand. We can only hope that beyond the hardships, she will be able to overcome them and still have a successful life, but that will require support from family.
Also, your daughter did not mention that she wanted to have this baby now, so don't place any worries in this. Perhaps its because your daughter has not experienced puppy love or little crushes to even consider family, but has carried a baby and seen and felt just how cute and wonderful they can make you feel.
I would definitely place a check in your corner, you're doing something right. You still have your daughter focused and not thinking about boys. Show her all the possibilities and successes she can have and then still go on to have a beautiful baby. Let her realize that she does not only want to have a baby, but should also want to give them everything and anything too. In order to do so, she has to put herself first for at least the first 25-30 years.

First of all no baby will be paying the price because he or she did not ask to be brought into this world, they don't have a choice on who will be their parent, young or old. I'm sure you'll will receive many responses and only have children under the age of 8 so I'm not at that stage in life yet but I know one day I will be. I hope other Mother's will give you better responses but I just wanted to say how I felt in defense to the unborn baby!
Best wishes!

You did a good job. She has made choices that will make her life more difficult. The truth hurts, but depending upon the age of your twins, they should know. I think that defining the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person should be clarified. Liken it to their own poor choices and how they naturally suffer from them. You explained your beliefs and these are the beliefs that you want your children to have. Nothing wrong with them knowing how you feel.

Experiment: Something differnt. Babies are gifts from GOD no matter how old...My grandmother was 15 when she had my mom, and I have to say she was a better mother (not that my mom was bad) than my mom who was 27. Age has nothing to do with it. How old are your twins? Anyway, if you can spare a day or 2, I would consider having your child babycare(at babies house maybe with your supervision, while mommie takes a break) so that she can see what it is like to have a baby on her own. Make sure she is not just cuddling and playing with baby. Doing as much as possible on her own for instance changing all diapers (I worked at a daycare and that was the worst, at first it is very hard to change babies that are not yours til you get used to it). When the baby takes a nap, make sure she washes the dishes, folds laundry, etc. Oh NO TV or telephone, babies need lots of attention. Oh and you might want to find something really fun for your other daughter to do with her friends. So that she will wish she would rather do that than babysit. She might change her thoughts on babies.

www.mybiopro.com/claudia13 (learn how to protect your children from cell phone radiation)

A., you did not go too far. You sound like a Christian woman and you were trying to explain something to your daughters from that point of view, which is what you should have done. Don't second guess yourself and don't let yourself be influenced by worldly attitudes. We are indeed imperfect people and we do live in an imperfect world that is why it is important to teach your children to follow in God's plan. When we stray away from that, it will mean that we will have a bigger struggle. Will we go to hell for the bad choices we make? Most likely, not, but we may have to suffer through hell on earth for a while until we get to a better point in our lives. However, your daughters may be a bit too young to understand natural consequences. Give them an age appropriate example of natural consequences. As they grow older, they will grasp what you are trying to teach them. Just be careful that you are not teaching them to be judgmental of others but rather to be compassionate and helpful to those who are in need. Oh, and don't worry, while you have been pondering the conversation with your girls over and over in your head, they have probably forgotten all about it.
Hope this helps.
L.

This is just a side note to all the moms that seem to be condemning A.. Nowhere in her request did I read that she was judging her niece nor did I see anywhere in her request where she called the baby a punishment. She told her daughters that their cousin made a bad choice (her niece is 19, I would say A. was right about that statement). She stated that what her 10 year old daughters heard (in their innocent little minds) was that their cousin was going to be punished. She did not say in any way shape or form that her daughters nor she suggested that the baby was a punishment. In their minds, they probably think that God is going to have something bad happen to their cousin for getting pregnant. I would give A. a little more credit and trust that she will correct that idea with her daughters, that is why she wrote to us in the first place. When A. said that the baby was going to have to pay the price, I believe she meant that this child will have to go without a lot of things that children who come from a two parent home would have. And I don't mean material things. I think that she means things like an example of husband and wife, mother and father, two parent nurturing, two parent tag-teaming, etc. etc. Yes, there are a lot of single moms out there with many different circumstances and I know many. You all do incredible jobs but the reality from most of the women that I know is that if they would have had it to do all over again, they would have done it in a happily married environment. Please stop reading what isn't in A.'s request. She came to us for help not admonishment.

I think Laurie A. hit the point perfectly. She did a marzelous job tell this. If they come back and say, "well Mom you said..." Explain it was a shock, but I really meant for you to hear this..." Hope that makes since. Main thing do not drop the conversation.

I want to print out Laurie's reply, for when my girls are older!

Best wishes.
R.

A., I usually dont like getting involved in discussions like these because it does tend to hit a nerve, however I do feel that you made a poor choice yourself when you decided to tell your daughters that the 19 yo was a bad person and that her baby was going to be a punishment to her. Babies are not punishments!!! They are gifts from GOD!!!. I am not saying what she did was right. She will definately have a tougher life. I dont know the teenagers situation, but nobody can predict the future, and maybe you should be a little more positive and think that the baby will be just fine and maybe even a stronger person because they had to struggle a little bit. I was born to a teenage mom and yes life was a little difficult but I believe that I am so much stronger than most women my age and I can handle so much more. I am glad because life is freaken hard and if you dont know how to handle it, its just that much more frustrating. My suggestion for handling this situation with your daughters is to advise them on what is right and wrong and advise them that yes life would be more difficult for a single mom and the baby but dont tell them that a person is bad or that a baby is a punishment from GOD. Also, maybe you should be an example to your daughters and support your family member and show them that even when we make bad choices that we have family that love us and support us no matter what. I think your daughters would benefit alot more from that. I am not trying to hurt your feelings or criticize you but remember that we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect.

You failed to mention your girls' age, that makes a whole lot of difference in how to approach the issue, If they're really young, just drop it for now, but if they are of or approaching dating age, this is a great time to really get into the premarital sex issue. Even middle schools now have classes related to teen pregnances. Don't leave them thinking their cousin is a bad person. Maybe that 19 year old can tell them a few of the things she's going to miss out on and how her life will be changed, even tho she will love her baby....just don't preach or you'll turn them off completely. It's hard to keep things on an even keel when most of the celebreties they look up to and want to be like are so casual about having babies without being married. It's hard to convence a teen-ager that these are just "plastic people" who live for the limelight and ususlly have someone else who cares for those babies most of the time. It's unfortunate that our society has come to this, but it has.

No, it was a perfect teaching opportunity. You can easily illustrate all the struggles a young single parent is going to have and the disadvantages the baby will experience. God wanted the best possible start for all his children, that's why he wanted them to be born into a loving home with both a mother and a father who are married and committed to each other. You can explain that God always loves us no matter what we do. But when we obey his laws we receive his blessings, when we make bad choices we are not at liberty to choose the resulting consequences. She is not a bad person, she simply made a very poor choice.

You didn't say how old your twins are. I assume they are pretty young. Take a step back and explain that God understands when people make mistakes and forgives us if we ask. Your cousin just made a mistake - that doesn't make her a bad person. God will forgive her but it will make her life more difficult than God intended it to be. That is why God means for us to wait until we are married to have children. Hope this helps!

If your kids are 16, you are on the right track and should try to clarify by using examples such as remember when you made this bad choice? It doesn't mean you are a bad person, just that you need to learn to make better choices. If your kids are 6, drop it...just a comment...no need to worry. Good luck.

I think the key here is there is a difference between the consequences this cousin will face for having a child out of wedlock. First, there is the fact that it is a sin. That aspect is spiritual and is something she will have to reconcile with God. There is forgiveness if she seeks it. Secondly, she has to deal with the consequences of being a single parent at 19 years of age. This circumstance is not ideal and there are consequences for both her and her child. Her child may grow up not knowing a relationship with her father. You did not specify if he is in the picture or not. If he is not, there is a vital connection the child will miss. He or she will miss the vital examples that a father sets for his child. If the child is male, he will miss the example of what being a man (hopefully of God) is all about. Those examples include how to treat a woman, how to discipline his children, how to take responsibility for ones actions, etc. If the child is female, she will miss having that first male-female relationship. Her father can set up a living example of what she should seek in a husband. There are so many reasons why God's design is for man and woman to be one and have children within the confines of marriage. To not have this will definitely leave this child lacking that divine design for growing up.

Also, as a young woman, this cousin will have a more difficult time raising this child as a single parent. She will struggle. Parents can work together to raise a child. When there is no partner there to lend support and share the responsibility, she will feel it. Also, she may struggle further in life. If she had career aspirations, she may find it more difficult to reach those goals. Now that she has a child to care for her own attention and goals will change. Not to say that she can't achieve success just because she is having this baby, but it will be a much more difficult path to travel.

Your concern that your own child may choose, deliberately to have a child without being married is warranted. They can reference this cousins circumstance as a life lesson. Point out that while she may seem okay right now and may even have family support and attention from people, it does not mean this situation is best or something you should deliberately seek to have for oneself. Not only is it unfair for the child due to the reasons said before, but it is a selfish way to become a parent.

Hi A.,

This is truly a delicate subject and one that will take some time to discuss with your daughters. The one thing that is up to you to provide for them is your sense of values -- the things you feel so strongly about. They look to you for guidance and discernment. So I think that it might be good to take some time to re-open this subject.

Explain that when people make bad decisions does not make them bad people. We all make mistakes and sometimes make decisions that are not beneficial to us. That doesn't make us bad. The down side of an unplanned pregnancy is that many times, particularly very young women are not prepared to take on such responsibilities a baby requires and can often be neglectful of the child; however unmeaning to be. In that way, the child pays the price. Sometimes as the child grows, the parent is often overwhelmed (working, raising the child, etc.) and doesn't seek help, thinking that they "can do it themselves." This only excerbates the situation. Later, if things get better, she may grow tired of taking care of the child and he/she becomes "inconvenient" and again, pays the price. It should be brought out that children should be wanted.

That said, if one of your daughters should have an unplanned pregnancy, she can always consider adoption as there are many folks looking for children to adopt. Abortion is not the preferred method of birth control, believe me; and those who have had to have one also pay a tremendous price living with their decision.

The bottom line is that your girls need to understand more thoroughly how you feel, and it would be good for you to hear what they think -- what they've been hearing, etc. You may be quite enlightened. This is an opportunity for you to build on your relationship with them. And they will appreciate your taking the time to discuss this with them.

Also, if you feel that you want a little more help, you might ask your pastor to help when it comes to God's view on this -- just make sure you know where to find this in the Bible. And if you need a comprehensive Bible, I might suggest the Recovery version with footnotes. It's more comprehensive than any I've ever used. Let me know if you want one...

aly

I don't think you took it too far, maybe not far enough. The need to understand the root of your comment is that every baby deserves to have 2 parents who love and care for them. I know they don't all get it, but they all deserve it. I could parent my kids myself and probably do a darn good job, but I look at the relationship they have with their dad and I would never want to exchange that for anything. Not to mention the support and love that I get from him. The days that I have had enough screaming, etc, I know that my backup is coming home and it helps. I'm not lonely and that makes for a better mom. I get to choose whether to work or stay home and that makes for a better mom. You need to explain in more detail that there is a reason God made it so we can't impregnant ourselves! Good luck and you might talk to her about why she is down on marriage if you need a conversation changer.

You didn't specify what you girls ages were but just make sure the conversation is on their level. First of all, pray for guidance before you talk with them again and maybe look up some scriptures regarding the subject. You might just ask them what they think or how they felt about your last talk and then just try to gently explain God's view. I cannot stress enough the importance of them having their own personal relationship with The Lord Jesus Christ. He is the One that can give them love, protection and true direction in their lives.

I was 19 when I had my daughter and both her and I are fine. It all depends on the person and how responsible they are. I think you might of taken it to far. Yes she made a bad choice but that doesn't mean that the baby will suffer from that choice. I believe firmly that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle and that He will always provide. I am now happily married for 5.5 years and have four kids. Yes you should teach your girls that sex before marriage is frowned upon by God and it is so much easier to go through pregnancy and child rearing with another person, but saying that the baby and her are going to pay the price of her bad choice I think is a little harsh. Maybe you should even let them talk to their cousin and see what the cousin has to say since she is going through it. Talking to someone close to their age will probably steer them in the direction you want them to go and help them see how hard it is.
Yes I made a bad choice but without that choice I would not be where I am and who I am today. Everything happens for a reason!

I am offended by your comment! I had my oldest at 18 and I think I have been a very good mother. She has more than what she needs as well as all the love in the world from both her father and I. In my opinion EVERY baby, whether it be born to a teen mother or a happily married woman in her 30's, is a miracle from God. I find it very interesting that in explaining this to your girls that in one sentance you can say that God wants us to be married before we have kids and yet in the very next sentence you say that their cousin made a bad choice and now the baby will have to pay. God is in control and if he saw fit to have their cousin have this baby then there must be some reason. In my opinion God does not make mistakes.