Babysitter Issue (Sorry This Is Long!)

you know what ... she is not a good sitter if she thinks taking someone else kid ..... that she doesn't know really well,.... to a pg movie would be ok, this is a 5 yo!

I would expect my sitter to stay home with the child, honestly. Unless I planned the activity.

My feeling is.....why do they even need to leave the house? I would not want a babysitter driving my child. Even though she is in her 20s...she is still really a new driver.

I always leave the sitter "X" amount of money to do activities if they are planned in advance. If I don't leave money they don't go do anything...

Also, they don't leave the house without prior approval...at all!!

Good luck!!

Frankly, I think any money she spends that she doesn't get pre-approved comes out of her own pocket. If you want her to feed your child out of the house, give her the amount she can spend up-front. I would make it very clear than any expenses she doesn't run by you are at her own expense.

I used to be a nanny. I *never* would have done this. Ever.

First, I was only reimbursed for what was previously discussed and agreed to. If I decided to take the kids out for a vanilla steamer or something because *I* wanted to do so, it was on my dime, not theirs. And I would already have had standing permission from the parents.

Next, if a parent was clear about having a project ready, I would pick up on that hint that she wanted the kids to be indoors.

I would tell you to be direct, but it sounds like you already were. Maybe it's time to find a new sitter, someone a bit more mature who isn't daunted by not going out to do stuff all the time. Someone who can hang out with a little person at home and has enough tricks up their sleeve to keep them busy and happy.

I have heard of bad sitters who took the child to places which they had not previously discussed with the parents. This is worrisome. It's not so much 'they took them to their house', it's that they lacked the awareness to ask "Hey, I forgot something at home and my house is about 20 minutes away. Would it be all right for me to...." THAT shows poor judgment, in my opinion. THAT is what is concerning to me. Our old neighbors had a young sitter who took their son over two miles away on the bus to her boyfriend's house and she was thinking nothing of it. This is why it's probably good to let this person go and find someone with good references.

as per the money... if you want to allow her to take her places... then say.. here is $5 or $10 for entertainment for today.. (lunch out --donuts movie... whatever) say that is all you have for entertainment... you cannot afford more than that.. so if sitter decides to take her to disney world for the day .. she can pay for it on her own.

as per taking the kid places.. no.. .. i would not allow this..

I had a mother of 3 sit for me.. at her house.. I let her take my kids and her kids anywhere.. but I always knew where they were going. and it was one place a day. she was 35 and had 3 kids of her own.. i would not let a 20 year old do this.

I did have to laugh at your 48 degreees and freezing.. honey we are in michigan.. and 48 degrees is warm.. our kids go out for recess if the temp is 20 or higher..

First, I am sorry you are having these difficulties but either you are not communicating clearly or your babysitter isn't listening. Either way, you are either going to have to get on the same page with the sitter or let her go and be more clear with the next one. Where did this sitter get the impression that leaving the house and driving around and going wherever she feels whenever she feels like is ok? I have a trusted sitter that was my DDs daycare teacher, has a key to my house/alarm code, moved us into my house and unpacked us, and has spent the night with my DD but I STILL do not give her carte blanche to go wherever/whenever. She is given the run of my house, but leaving my house requires a very special occasion and advance notice (as in days). I want my DD home or at our park we can walk to at all times. Do not feel bad about bringing expectations in line - it needs to be done. Even if the sitter is part of the family, driving is very dangerous and young judgment is not always in the best interest of a child. Somewhere along the way she got the idea that leaving the house was ok and it is not. You are going to have to be firm and be very clear....good luck

I would write up an agreement. No reimbursement for food/entertainment expenses without prior approval. You can soften it when presenting it, by letting her know you know her heart is the right place, but her plans need to align with your budget and values. And don't give her access to funds. If she is paying, it needs to be with her own money. I would also provide a number of low-cost or free, healthy, and wholesome activities to choose from if she just has trouble figuring out what to do.

I think you are being too lenient with her. You are the mom, and you get to decide what they do and where they go. I would give specific instructions, such as you can take daughter to the park, but come home for lunch. I don't see any reason why a babysitter sitting for the second time is taking your 5 year old to an amusement park, a donut place, and McDonald's. That would not fly with me. I wouldn't have a sitter taking my son places until I was much more comfortable with her.

I think you give her some money to spend and that's what she get's and not a penny more. If she wants to do more, then she can, but it comes out of her pocket.

As for letting you know her every move? I'm on the fence here. I get wanting to know what they are doing, but it does seem a little overboard. I've always been of the mind set that you either trust the people you leave your children with or you don't. If you don't why are you leaving your child with them?

Instead just ask what her plans are for the day, and ask that if she is going to veer off to far from those plans to give you a heads up....even if she does it after they get there.

This is your child. YOU determine where she can and cannot go. YOU determine what YOU will spend beyond her pay and that's it.
I don't blame you for being concerned. I doubt I would want someone going all over with my 5 year old.
Have stuff in the house for lunch (I'm sure you do!)
You can "OK" things like park/library, etc.
sitter does not determine what YOU spend for their daily meals and entertainment!
I agree, maybe you've been too lenient or unclear?
If you think you can regain control--great! If not, time for a new sitter!

You need to set the schedule firmly, as well as the budget. It is your job to set the limits, not hers.

Who does this? A college kid who has been told to entertain a 5 year old. In college, I took care of a 6 year old two nights a week while her mom was in graduate school. I got her off the bus and was with her until well after bed time and the expectations of me were very clear from day 1!

Safe... happy... clean... fed. I had a key, so the door was to be locked. She had toys and games (not to mention homework), so we had things to do. Her toothbrush, tooth paste and jammies were ready to go before mom left, so she was clean. I enjoy cooking, so there were always ingredients and a recipe card on the counter, so she was fed. No need to take her anywhere.

Just a thought...

If you don't want them going out to eat, make sure that there is enough "fun food" in the house for the day, including popcorn and other OK snacks. Leave a list of OK activities and a $20 bill on the table as the "budget" for the day. Be clear with her that this is their "fun money" for the day, nothing more. I would also leave a schedule out for them.

8:30 Breakfast
10:30-11:00 Table top activities (puzzles, coloring, play doh, letters, numbers, crafts, etc)
Noon Lunch
1:30 Outside play
2:00-2:30 rest time (if it's OK, leave out a movie for your LO to watch
3:00 Snack

If you look at the day this way, there's very little chance that she'll need to venture out. At your child's age, a preschool or daycare provider would structure the day this way and so should you.
3

it sounds as if rather than leaving so much up to the sitter then getting mad at her, you need to be very specific about what you want.
if you're vague, you really can't expect the girl to read your mind.
it does sound as if she's pretty free with your money and not being particularly sensitive to you, but i also suspect that you're not really communicating to her clearly about just what your expectations are.
khairete
S.

If you had said that you were not going to have her watch your child anymore, my advice would be different. I would have told you to write her a letter, one that you had read over several hours, edited several times, one that explained exactly what you are upset about and why she would no longer be working for you. AND why she would have to pay these charges out of her pay because she did NOT have permission to take your daughter to these places. However, instead of this, my recommendation is to sit down with her and ask her WHY she didn't listen to what you said. When she acts confused, tell her that you expressedly told her that you could not afford this kind of stuff. A tight budget means a tight budget - not an amusement park. You bought DOLLAR STORE art stuff for her to use to work with your daughter. You said EITHER MacDonald's OR the Donut place. Tell her that when SHE has to pay all her bills for apartment, lights, water, heat, groceries, and CHILD CARE on her own, she will understand what a budget is.

Then listen to what she says. If she doesn't have much to say, ask her what she expects you to do here. Then you two need to compromise. Don't just pay her. Make her think about this. If she has to be uncomfortable, she'll be a lot more unlikely to take advantage of you again. She might decide not to come back, but she is likely to realize that you won't give her a good recommendation if she does walk away.

You also might tell her that one day she might need a recommendation when she gets a job in her field. She needs to think about that when she is working for you or anyone else.

By the way, it's NOT just you. She's used to money growing on trees and she's actually being a bit lazy. Truth be told, these are things she wanted to do for HERSELF. And she wants to do it on your dime...

Dawn

Just my professional opinion, but you have hired a babysitter, not a professional caregiver. And you likely get what you pay for. Sorry. I have strong opinions on this. If you hire a young person with little or no experience to care for a child, they are going to entertain them and be their buddy (take them to amusement parks and fun junk food places all of the time). If you hire someone with a little more professionalism and experience with kids, they should take the job more seriously.

Be the boss, set up parameters that are fair, or hire someone new. One on one childcare is a luxury for most people.

Sorry, I'm laughing about how cold it is there! LOL. It was 15 degrees F Friday and it was so warm I didn't even wear my jacket! I can't imagine it being too cold to go outside in the 40's or 30's!

As far as the babysitter goes I would just tell her up front how much she has to spend on entertainment/food and let her know you won't reimburse anything above that amount. A tight budget when I was in college, working and living at home was a lot different from the tight budget I have as an adult with kids and a household to run. Be specific.

When I babysit I never let the parents know when we are coming and going, and I have never been asked to do that. The parents are at work, so I don't contact them. As long as we are here at pick up, then I fill them in on what we did for the day.

Haha, Lisa, our kids go out for recess if it is -20 or higher!

She's lazy. I agree with Hazel, she doesn't want to be bothered doing creative games to entertain your daughter and she's taking the easy (and expensive) way out by doing these outings.

If you want to know when the sitter is on the road and she doesn't tell you, then that's 1. If you want a sitter that doesn't spend money and then bill you for it before you approve the expense that's 2. So does she get another chance or is there a third strike?

People have different reactions to a caregiver taking a child with them. Some people like it and some do not. One of my friends is a nanny and regularly takes the twins around to kid events, out to lunch, etc. and the family is fine with this. But other people want sitters to stay home or stay within walking distance.

It sounds to me like you and the sitter have different ideas of what is acceptable. I would talk to her. I would say no more than ONE fast food place per week. No taking the kid to somewhere you haven't approved in advance. Here is the "activity money" and that's all you get (say $10 for fast food OR she can use it for something else, but give it to her upfront and all other costs are hers). "I'll keep that in mind" means you need to be much more upfront and specific. "Tight budget" to her may mean something very different than to you. I would not reimburse her every time she gets a wild hair unless it is pre-approved. If her response isn't what you are looking for, I'd look for another sitter.

ETA: On second thought, tell her you will reimburse her $10 or whatever but don't hand it to her upfront in case she starts thinking of it like a given or a tip.

It sounds like the expectations and communications are not all that great.

It's time to sit down with this person and write out some rules, making it clear what is or is not allowed.

You need to explain that you are on a very tight budget, and you will not reimburse her for unapproved activities. There should be not going anywhere that costs money without prior approval via text or email (that way it's in writing for both of you).

And the eating out should be specified (1x per day, not twice, maximum of $x), and that if it exceeds that, you won't reimburse her or hire her again.

Let her know that you expect X things (that she will make lunch at home, that they will play at the house first, or the park). If she wants to do a movie, then pick out 3 or 4 DVDs ahead of time to watch, or similar, and buy some popcorn to make at home.

It sounds to me like this babysitter is having a lot of fun at your expensive.... Be firm, and say it with a smile, but let her know that this cannot go on.

I haven't read any of the responses. I'll just say it very clearly. If the sitter chooses to take her on activities that YOU did not specifically ask her to do then she can pay for them! I would NEVER assume that a parent would pay for the sitter to take a child on outings that I did not tell them to. I would be very upset at her taking your child places without your specific authority and just as upset that she fed her food you did specifically tell her not to.

If you cannot get another sitter give her a list of destinations and rules in writing. Park, OK, movies, OK but no PG if she violates those then she's done. No one else gets to violate my budget and then expect me to pay for it. I would be livid.

i kind of figured she was college age before you even said it... i would tell her flat out that unless its something you specifically told her that she could do that day then she has to pay for it herself, you are not going to give her the money for it. Also id tell her that if she does decide she wants to do something else that day, even if its something she knows you will approve of, if she doesnt text you to ask if its ok first, then whatever it is youre not paying for it. .. and id have to agree with the fact that shes lazy.. either that or shes not very good with kids and doesnt really know how to interact with your child and takes her places so she doesnt really have to, its possible she only decided to be a babysitter because she thought it would be easy money
--definatley stress to her that she absolutley has to text you before they leave the house, no matter what its for, or you wont use her as a sitter anymore

I would just sit her down and explain that there is a dollar limit for outings which is X amount and in the future if she goes over that, it comes out of her pocket and won't be reimbursed.

As for the timing of the texts, just make it clear to her that you would like a text in enough time before they leave that you can respond just in case it is not somewhere you want her to take LO.

I think clear communication is what's needed.

If finding a new sitter is not an option and these trips are your biggest problem with her, stop allowing her to leave with your daughter. If this is an occasional event, why does she need to drag your kiddo all over town? Why can't they play at home and eat sandwiches? I'd have concerns about a baby sitter I am still getting to know drive my children around anyway. I think next time I'd just let her know she and your daughter need to stay at home. When she asks why, you can tell her that you have concerns with the lack of communication and you can't afford all the extra stuff. I am sure it's easier for her AND more entertaining for HER to go out an about, but a job isn't always easy or fun. Give her a schedule, stock the fridge and forbid them to travel. If she can't handle it or won't listen, it's time to find another sitter.

I had good parents when I was a nanny. I took the kids anywhere I wanted to go. I didn't have to call and ask permission, they trusted me. I treated their kids like they were my own and if I would take my kids there then it was okay to take theirs. I am certainly grateful for them.

I would think that you need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her she is not allowed to take your child anywhere, you don't trust her.

If you do trust her then it does't matter where she goes, the kids are safe with her where ever she is but tell her she has to pay for the trip herself. You cannot afford to pay her and for activities.

I often didn't feel like cooking so I would take the kids to McDonald's. The parents didn't have to pay for it because I took the kids there, not the parents.

They did pay for us to go to the Zoo for a day trip though, it was a planned ahead trip.

Babysitting one child is super-easy, comparing to brood of 3-4 kids. Your sitter is lazy and is not following directions. Did you address the issue about not calling you, not doing what she was told? Did you tell her you want your child to eat healthy, to develop properly, and you are hiring her to work, not to have fun and to get paid for it. Your daughter should have fun. I just addressed the issue with my nanny about talking on the phone while caring for my child. I told her when she is with my son - he is the priority #1, she can talk to her friends on her day off. She also watches only one 5 y/o, I ask every day what they did, what my child learned, whether they did math, reading, crafts, how much TV did he watched? I keep her accountable and on her toes, my son is also used to reporting on his time when not with me. You have to be very strict with young girls who have no kids of their own, you have to teach, teach, teach, and check, check, check! I would sit down with your sitter and have a good conversation telling her what you are not happy about, what you want from her and have her repeat back to you to make sure she got it. Tell her that this is the last time you are reimbursing her for unauthorized expenses, that going forward you will only use her if she promises that she will comply with your requests, give her one more chance if you wish (some people think you should not use, I frankly feel the same, but you can try if you feel you need her for whatever reason) then just say goodby if she does something funny again. Sitters, nannies supposed to know that they must follow parents' wishes, it is integral part of the job. Good luck to you!

Just give her the money she spent on your daughter. I would not feel obligated to pay for her entertainment and food.

...And definitely find another sitter.

I agree with LivTokyo. Not only did you tell her you were on a budget, but you told her to contact you whenever she went out to let you know what is going on. She respected neither of those. If she decided to go and splurge at different restaurants and amusement parks without prior authorization, then the expense is on her. She is a college student but she's not stupid, and any person with manners and a brain would ask for authorization before doing something with someone's kids, and would understand what "I am on a budget" "I don't want my kids eating too much junk food" and "I want my kids to stay indoors due to the cold, here are some arts and crafts I purchased for that purpose" mean. You don't just go on a shopping spree or whatever and assume that person will pay for everything. Anyone who is relying on someone else's money should ask if the expense is ok prior to incurring it. Honestly, I don't know what more explaining there is to do, she sounds like she knows what she is doing and just wanted to test her boundaries with you.

If she complains about not getting reimbursed, tell her exactly that: I did not tell you to go there, you chose to go there even though I told you I am on a budget and because this was not something I told you to do and you decided to go on your own, I cannot cover the expense. Seriously, don't let her walk all over you, or next thing you know, she'll be getting you to pay for her filet mignon dinner and Disney World passes for her and your kid!

I would find another sitter pronto. Your sitter is disregarding your direct instructions. If you chose to continue to use her, I would tell her that she needs to stay home with your child. No leaving the house. What if she had an accident? You would have no idea where your child was.

PS - I would love 48 degree weather!