Vent About Hubby Late to Pick up Kids

Maybe pick a day of the week for you to pick up the kids so he can go and do his thing once a week.

He is lucky the caregiver is so gracious , I have heard of some expensive penalties for picking up children late from some day cares.

I am more than a little confused as to why you don't pick them up. In my home, first out of work gets the kids, well when they didn't just come home. It makes no sense at all that you aren't just picking them up.

I feel bad for your sitter. Is she charging you a late fee? That might help.

Maybe you could let your husband know that this is VERY rude for him to be leaving your child care provider hanging. (I speak as a former provider.) It's extremely inconsiderate. We can forgive the occasional 'late, stuck in traffic' sort of thing, but expecting her to just hang out for an extra hour is very, very selfish of him. Chances are, your sitter is not saying much about it because she doesn't want to cause a fuss, but it gets annoying. The kids are usually ready to go, and then they have to just 'hang out', the sitter doesn't know when the kids will be picked up, so she's likely hesitant to start a new activity. She might actually be thinking that she'd like to spend time with her family or get dinner started-- you know, the sort of thing that most women are doing around that time of day.

I agree with the others that you will need to be the mastermind on this one. If it's the same day each week, then I'd just go get them. But I can understand your frustration if it's on different days. He's not communicating, so take those first steps in asking "are you going to the club tonight? I need to know so I can pick up the kids."

Personally, I think that if he's not communicating about it and just expecting the sitter to hang tight, not calling you to say he's going to be out and could you get the kids-- well, that's just behaving like a royal, entitled jerk. He's supposed to be an adult and to communicate like a person who respects the time and schedules of others. If you have a previous arrangement where he's supposed to get the kids and he's starting to drop the ball, I would try to get ahead of the game-- but I'd be peeved too.

(ETA: my very funny -- and not always helpful ;)-- husband suggested that you just go out one night and leave a note. "Went to get a nice dinner-- there's a frozen pizza in the fridge for you and the kids". So, another perspective that even a guy thinks this is pretty ridiculous. Hope everything works out.)

I would sit down with DH and a calendar. I would say that if he wants to be a part of that bow club, that is fine, BUT. But he is a dad and those kids would like to be home. The sitter would like to know when they will be picked up, on a consistent basis. Which ONE day will it be? If your sitter isn't charging you more for the time, you are lucky. Many would. Ours charged a dollar a minute, to be paid directly to the person who had to stay late for you, and if you were consistently late (like he technically is, if he's doing this weekly) then they could kick you out. If I were the caregiver, I'd be irritated. It is rude to her, even if she doesn't charge you for it.

If he's a numbers guy, then write down how few hours in a day the children are home and how this impacts them. Or how much it will cost in gas for you to get them. Etc. Or if he's not the one getting Grumpy 1 and Grumpy 2 off to school, then he should have to see the impact of this. Perhaps equate it to being forced to work random overtime. Would he like to not be able to go home at the end of the day?

Further, if he gets an hour at the range, you get an hour some other time. When he's watching his own kids.

If he cannot be counted on to pick them up regularly, then perhaps that task should always fall to you and he does something else. Like, oh, maybe the groceries. Or the laundry. Or baths. Or lunches.

If not getting supper going is the consequence of his not working with you, he can make his own dinner on nights he doesn't let you know he's not getting them home on time.

Or if the gas costs the household money, then take it out of something else. Maybe he packs his lunch instead so you have money to get the kids.

Parenting is often a game of "tag, you're it" and at the very least you, the kids and the sitter should know what to expect. My DH has a hobby that takes him out of the house most Sunday afternoons for a few hours. But I know this. I plan for this. It doesn't impact my day too much. I would be livid if my DH was leaving the kids on a random day a week and making it my problem. If he's going to change the system, he needs to pick a day so you're not playing "where's my kids?"

It's not the end of the world, but it's rude. If he's going to do a hobby, fine. But show a little respect to the family. It's not all about him anymore. When my SD was in aftercare, there were a few times when I was late getting her and DH had to quickly run by and get her. That's when he decided I needed a cell phone so that we could communicate "hey, I'm stuck in traffic" before we got penalized, and frankly, SD didn't like being the last kid to go home. 8-6 is a long day for a little kid.

ETA: Okay, so say she's "open" til 6PM. BUT if she expects that the kids are generally there til 5PM, she's probably getting them ready to get out the door. My daycare knew I'd be later than most, but they had DD's bottles in her bag, and she was changed and ready to go. If he's going to change the schedule, she needs to know, minimum, that she can give them more time to clean up, eat a snack, get coats, etc. People expect routine. You are not asking the moon for him to pick the day, once a week, every week, that he wants to go.

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Since your agreement with her is 5:30, I would tell him that the agreement is 5:30, not 6, and that he NEEDS to be there on time. And tell her to charge him a late fee. Seriously. It's her business. If he cannot decide on a night to go, then he should call you before he decides to go, so you can either call her or pick them up yourself or tell him it's not a good night. Even with ADHD, he could make a list, make a call, etc. One of the behaviors that drives me crazy with my SS is that he doesn't have the respect to tell people plans or when plans change. Your DH is presumably older than that. He needs to do what he needs to do to get his kids or tell his wife where he is. If he "lost track of time" at a regular job, he'd be fired. He's really lucky he has such a safety net of "understanding" people. I already mentioned that I had to get a cell phone so I could communicate with my DH about pickups. He can remember his phone or remember his kids. Or come home with the kids and run his errands later. I' not so sure it's ADHD so much as selfish.

Please do not excuse his need for this extra time on his gender. He needs time and you need time and your kids need your (plural) time and part of being a parent is putting aside your time for the kids. I get my time when my DD is taken care of. Not at her expense.

So rude and inconsiderate of him ( to the sitter ).
Did it ever occur to him that she has a life after your kids go home?

Most of the day cares here charge $10 per minute for late pick ups. I bet if it were going to cost him $60 he would never be an hour late again.

Since you get off earlier, just pick them p yourself. Save yourself a lot of aggravation. Really.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I am curious about whether or not he's actually late. Does the sitter say the kids need to be picked up by 5:00?

Our kids go to a daycare center that closes at 5:30. So while I love it when my husband picks them up at 4:30, as long as he's there by 5:30 it's not a problem for them. And that could be part of your husband's argument. If the sitter is upset, absolutely you need to talk to him about it. But if the sitter says picking up the kids at 6:00 is ok, then you need to approach this differently.

Clearly he perceives this time he spends at the club as important. He might feel pressure at work and need the time to relax. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and he goes to 3 meetings a week and is on a board and volunteers to help with events. The other day I complained because that is a lot of time away from the family and there was a time earlier in our marriage when he went to 1 meeting a week and that's all. He asked me if I ever considered the possibility that he goes to that many meetings because he needs to since life with kids is so different. Something for me to think about.

My point is, within reason, he needs to have his time. Maybe you could find a compromise - he picks up the kids 3 nights a week at the time you ask, and you pick them up the other 2 so that he can go to the club.

You need to try and find a way to make you both happy.

If he's chatting with the owner, how about you get the owner's number and if he seems to be running late, you call THAT guy instead of your husband and ask him to put your husband on the phone so that you can check in on realistically whether or not he'll be getting them any time soon? Sometimes my husband gets in the habit of being unreachable in the afternoon (left his phone in the car, isn't on e-mail, blah blah blah and if I need to touch base with him over something time sensitive, I'll message or call the friend he works with and HE will have my husband call me back. Yeah they joke with him about being henpecked but it only took once or twice with being embarrassed by having his wife hunt him down for him to be more available and responsive at the end of the day.

I wondered the same as Julie, you say you get off at 430, why not pick them up on your way home?

What if you picked one certain day of the week when he does this and you always ick up the kids that day?

Maybe you need to call and tell his dad what he's doing.

Passive/aggressive much? Yeah, but I swear, if he kept doing this, I'd be so darn tempted...

What does the babysitter say to him? Does she just seethe over it? Or does she look him straight in the eye and tell him that it's unacceptable?

Why don't you call her and ask her to tell him what's what? Give her permission. Then when he acts like a butt about it, tell him that he is being totally unfair and unprofessional with this woman. She has a family, too. She is supposed to be off the clock. Sitting on his butt at an archery club when she's supposed to be off work is selfish and self-centered of him.

Quite frankly, she should be charging your husband a dollar a minute for every minute he is late. THAT is what my daycare center did YEARS ago (so I'm not accounting for inflation). Maybe if he had to pay real dollars for his laziness, he'd get on board with doing the right thing.

If you don't like how he does it them go pick them up yourself. That's the bottom line.

If the babysitter is okay with it then she is okay with it. If she's not she needs to send out a letter and have each parent sign it and return it stating "I close at Xpm. If you are late I will charge you $XX.xx per minute after Xpm. Due upon pick up. If you cannot pay do not bring your children again until you have the cash, cash only. I have a family and live outside of your children and I choose to close so I can focus on my home and my family". Tell her to please hand your hubby one and ask him to read it then sign in front of her. That way HE is responsible.

I don't think it's a big deal for the kids to be at child care an extra hour. In a snowstorm it would annoy me he didn't take off early and get everyone home safely though.

I think he's focused on his archery. Who can blame him, it's amazing he does so well. I think he does need to step up but it may be the babysitter will have to be the one to take the brunt of his anger at having to leave the archery place early.

I would just go get the kids myself if I didn't like how he did it though. It's you that's not happy, not him.

I would ask him to keep his phone with him, set it on vibrate and set the alarm clock on the phone to go off about 10 minutes before he has to leave. If he can't leave then he could call you and tell you to go pick up the kids. If it's the same day each week plan dinner in the slo-cooker that day or make a salad and pick up take out or order Chinese.
Since you and the sitter are good friends maybe you could plan a mom and kids night out once a month when the hubbys are doing their thing. She could meet you with the kids and the two of you could talk while the kids play. You could meet at a place with an indoor playground that serves food.

I'm not sure where Bryant is but I'm between Oshkosh and Green Bay and we got dumped on.. Snow throwed once -- ran out of gas will probably need to go get gas and do it again.

Make him pay the late fee at the sitter out of his weekly pocket money. But this is a losing battle your fighting. If it's that big of a deal to you to have them home sooner then if your working from home take off earlier and get them your self. You can do meal prep earlier in the day. Crock pot stuff casseroles etc. I fought my husband on this for a long time. It was a way he could control my working out side the home. If he didn't pick up the kids the sitter would quit. We would get behind again. I would take a crud job. He would be great til he was tired of me being gone and his having to deal with the kids. It was a cycle.

Maybe 2 days you get them, and 3 days he does.

On the two days you get them, put something in the crock pot, so no one has much to do for dinner. Or a quick stir Fry or breakfast that night.

Charge him a $1.00 a mintue past 6 when he gets them home that late. ??

My you have an interesting life! Archery? wow. Anyway, it is pretty clear that he doesn't realize this is a problem unless he likes to annoy people on purpose. Which most people don't. I think in this case,just like my own most of the time, if they think they have no problem with it, then you need to do something.In my case,kids are grown but my husband is just late for everything. So, I learned that I have to change the time when something is happening with a half hour leeway. But you need the babysitter on board with this and she may not really care. I see a lot of people telling you to pick them up but it is closer to where he is. So pick them up but don't expect him to understand. Some guys go to bars he does archery. Perhaps chalk this up to being a wife and we all bend a little. oh yuk, did I just say that? Time for you to set up those monthly massages while he stays at home with the little people.

Some things are taught and some things are taught. What is he saying to his children by not putting them first? You don't indicate in your post how old your babies are but they are learning how to expect to be treated. Growing up my father and uncle would often if not always pick up kids up late and it made us very insecure and feel like we didn't matter. It's an aweful lesson to be taught by the actions of a parent.

Everytime he went failed to pick up the kids on time, I would make certain he had to deal with the cranky children. Or perhaps consider throwing food into a crock pot while you go and get the kids on those days he would be responsible for picking them up.

Okay:
so, aside from the fact that he is a man and has a hobby which takes up most of his time, the bottom line is, he is NOT being responsible.... to the rest of the family and is taking advantage of the Babysitter.
I would be, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO irked.
And would NOT make, excuses, for him.

The other bottom line is: he is a Spouse. He is a Dad. He has kids. He is not single person.
And he, seems to do a lot for himself, but not for you or the kids.
Yes, he needs to grow up.
Good grief.
A man/Dad/Spouse, HAS TO, also, manage their time. Because again, they are not single. They have, a family, now.

Your Babysitter, SHOULD start, charging him/you... for being late.
ANY babysitter/Daycare/Preschool, does this.
I did in-home childcare, and I charged, for any lateness by the parents.
If I were your Babysitter... I would be so, IRKED.

And need for downtime, male or female, sorry, but that does not fly with me. BECAUSE, "downtime" or "me" time..... SHOULD be, when it is possible or planned ahead. NOT it being, when it is uprooting an existing schedule and DAILY pick up time, for the kids.

Just TELL your Husband.
AND don't wait... for your Babysitter friend to "ask" for late fees.
Just give her it.
She is being taken for granted and disrespected.

Umm, so my husband would be in hot water if he did this. Sorry, but kids come first. He doesn't get his "guy time" when there are family needs. It took me a long time to get my husband to realize that and we still aren't 100% there, but much better than 10 years ago...I digress.

He can pick them up or he can find away to pay the sitter for being late - not out of the family budget.