Hi! i wonder if anyone has a similar situation to mine and can give any ideas of how you deal with this situation. My husband and I are lucky to have lots of family in town but sometimes it can be overwhelming with getting together so often. My parents, sister and SIL and their families live in town (about 45 min.-1 hour away) and my inlaws and other SIL live in the same state only a few hours away. My BIL and other SIL both live out of state but due to my BIL being a pilot (and nice benefits because of it!) they can hop on a plane and be here as easily as being in a car. My husband's family thinks nothing of driving 3 hours each way in ONE day for an activity or get together and similarly that is expected of us. All of us have young children under the age of 10.
Here's the dilemma....between my family and my husband's family we get together with one or a combo of all of them two-three weekends a month for various reasons or sometimes "just because". Added to that my kids have just started sports seasons so our weekends are full as it is. We are not an overly committed family in terms of other activities (i.e. my kids are limited to 1-2 extra curricular activities per week so we can have time for homework, playing with friends, etc.) Sometimes I just want to have a weekend day to ourselves to just hang around our house and do things together, work in the yard or do fun things as only our family of four. Some of my friends don't even ask us to do things with them on the weekends because they know we will be busy with our family.
Unfortunately my husband cannot say "no we cannot get together" unless we have a legitiimate conflict (I have done this with my family though and they are understanding). I 'm not sure what to do because just looking at our calendar for the next couple of months we have something scheduled every weekend and over half of those are with my husband's family. I know I should be thankful that we have so much family around and in our lives as I know not everyone has that but I am tired and sometimes just want a break!
Any thoughts/suggestions? TIA for your help!
I would love to have family around, but maybe it is more MY family and not my husbands. :) That being said, your post makes me exhausted. After you and your husband get on the same page, pick some dates on the calendar and put in "family time". That is a legitimate conflict and very important for your family.
You do have to get on the same page as your husband, but there is nothing at all wrong with saying "no". It's important - critical I'd even say - to have time together as a family just to "be" together without an event. So, this is important. I'd see if you can't get your husband to see that it's so important, and then just tell his family sometimes, you have "other plans", and you'll see them next time. Good luck.
I know how you feel.
If your hubby has a hard time saying "no" unless there is a commitment, then start making some plans! Go ahead and finally make plans months ahead with some of those friends, etc. 2 or 3 weekends out of 4 seems like too many--how about 1 weekend per month and alternate families? Good luck.
I was all ready to jump on an answer until you said your husband is the one having trouble saying no. That one gets a bit more tricky. He obviously loves being around his family, and that is a good thing! I have to admit I was a wee bit jealous that you have so much family nearby but I digress....you two are going to have to sit down and really talk this through. Maybe explain that you love his family, you just need some breather time too. See if he is willing to give you at least One Sunday a month. Maybe get a movie he has been wanting to see, wave it under his nose and tell him he gets to watch it when you two can sit on the couch in your jammies. =)
Believe it or not this crazy time will end quick enough. You will be glad to look back and know that your kids had good, solid connections with their families on both sides. That is a rare thing these days.
My husband and I always tell others that we will let them know rather than answer right away. We have both discovered it's important not to volunteer each other for anything and to check with and talk with the other person first. Also, I have gotten brave...I have skipped many family functions that he has decided to go to with the children and I get a break!
L.,
I think your main task to achieve is communication with your husband. Girl, you are doing your best but you need him to be in agreement with you. You need to sit with him and set your priorities straight. Your children and their activities come first. If you have a sports event going on, then you can't attend a family gathering. On special gatherings or occasions you can make an exception, but that won't happen too often. Your kids are growing and it is good for them to be active and interact with children their age.
When they were younger it was easier to just pack them up and go away, but now that they are growing and interested in other things the family should understand.
Sit down with the calendar, scheduled in all the sports activities the children have and then your family's activities, whatever time you have left after doing that, then you can schedule the rest of both your and you husband's family's events. If you don't have a lot of time left then alternate months between the two families.
Girl, it's not easy to juggle everything! You are doing great, just try to come to an agreement with your husband. He needs to be on board with you.
Blessings
We have the opposite problem - all of our family is a few hundred miles away, so we have to have people in for the weekend or travel many hours with 2 young kids to get to see relatives.
The other moms have given really good advice.
The only thing I wanted to add is to perhaps make a schedule (I'd guess other family members are also feeling the stress of the obligations) - we used to reserve the 1st Friday of the month to get together with a few friends. It was hard to break the commitment and good to know your schedule in advance.
We personally choose to spend Christmas Day alone each year - we'll travel to see family before or after. At first it was hard for my husband to tell his family, but he was the one who wanted it this way, and his family was much more understanding when he finally explained his point of view.
Best wishes.
Both hubby and I have a lot of relatives that live 30-60 mins from us. We NEVER make a commitment to anything on the spot, we usually say "let me talk it over with husband name/wife name, depends on how busy the week/weekend already is. We will let you know as soon as possible." This way at least the significant other has a say plus we discuss how busy the week/weekend is and decide if it is the only down time that week/end we will say no to the gathering (unless it is a birthday, anniversary, graduation, weeding type thing). When we reply back we say "thank you for the invite but we are very busy that week/weekend and really need that time to yourselves to do house work or just relax."
Extended family is great but it is also good to take a break from life and just sit at home to work on it or do nothing. At times if I am with my side a lot hubby will opt out, which is fine because he likes alone time, if asked by family members why hubby is not there I honestly say "he really wanted alone time to just relax or go hang out with one of his friends" and they go ok. So if possible opt out of going, hubby can go with the kids but you need a break. If hubby complains about that then say maybe we all need to just stay home and take a break.
Oh and we have it down that if one of us is alone with the kids (either due to work or the other is hanging out with friend(s)) they can go see other family as much as they want. BUT as a complete family we get together once a month with each side of the family (and maybe a few more times if there are a lot of birthdays and such).
Oh honey I know what you are talking about. Our entire families live here in town. Nobody is further away than 15 minutes. The great grandparents lived right up the street till they passed away.
It is a blessing and a curse.
Now that your children are getting older and will have full schedules, it is time to set up your family calendar and stick to that. If (and with your permission) others want to see you all they can join you in these activities.
We tried to attend all birthday celebrations and of course large holiday gatherings. We then would send out an email to everyone letting them know about weekends we were not available and then a list of activities and events we would love for family to join. We would try to suggest that if we attended a childs sports event, maybe we could all go to an early dinner somewhere.. Or if it was a school holiday we would suggest a family day on these special days..
I also explained that SCHOOL was our daughters top priority and if she had important homework or projects, we would not interrupt this time. Everybody agreed with this and it taught our daughter how important her school work really was.
When our daughter was invited to a friends bday party, that was usually her priority over a family event that was not of a large significance. This was negotiable at times..
We saw plenty of family during the holidays and summer also to help them feel like we were spending as much time as possible.
As long as you attempt to participate in a fair way, it is up to the other family members on how they will react. My MIL would always "forget" what year we would be at her home for Christmas Eve! Drove me nuts. And with a husband who is ADHD and no sense of dates or times, thank goodness our daughter could back me up on those occasions..
Just do your best.
Let everyone know your sports schedule.
It was never an option for my kids to skip any
practices or games or quit. They are now adults
with exceptional work ethics and perfect
attendances in their jobs and they are noted
for it. Your large family can help support these
atheletic ventures in a positve way. Hope you will
get the support you need.
