Sister-in-law issues...am I Overreacting?

Sorry to be blunt, but I was just wondering how much effort you and DH have put in to her kids lives. If you are the kind of aunt and uncle that have gone out your way to forge a relationship with her kids, attended their events, and made time to see them outside of family holidays and such functions, I can understand your feelings. Were you also there for her when her kids were infants? Was your husband? Have you taken her kids for any special time, offered to babysit, etc. If you haven't, she may not feel such a desire to go out of her way for you. More than likely, she is just busy, and at a different stage of parenting than you, so she isn't really feeling a common bond. You have a baby, and she is probably spending every school night evening making sure her kids do homework and get a good night's sleep. Maybe she feels like your family could be more flexible. Not that that's true or fair, or a good excuse for being distant, it just may be a reason for why it is happening. Now that you have a child you would like to have a relationship with her relatives, I would try a few more times to get together. I would offer to come see them and/or their kid's activities rather than wait for them to come to you. Good luck!

I agree with SH about looking at your definition of Godmother vs. her definition. We often set ourselves up when we create a picture of what another person "should" be like. We set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration and even anger when they don't live up to our "should".

Instead, release your attachment to how she "should" be and get really clear about how she just is. Once you are clear about what is vs. what should be, you can then make choices about what you can do next. For instance, right now she should be available, showing up more, and in closer contact. The reality is that she isn't. Okay. So now, you get to choose any number of solutions. You can talk with her, you can just allow it to be how it is, you can find a different person (one that already fits your criteria) for godmother, or any other solution that would fit for you.

The key to your own happiness and well-being is in accepting that people are who they are no matter what and that you do not have the power to change them into who you want them to be. In fact, it is judgmental and disrespectful to want them to change. How do you feel when others do that to you? Not good enough? Unwanted? Undesireable? Angry? Confused?

When we allow others to be who they are, we then have choice about how to be with them. We get to choose our own responses and behaviors. When we hold on to the "shoulds" then we are stuck waiting forever in our disappointment and frustration for them to change. This is giving your power away to them. Keep your power by allowing and then making choices for yourself.

It is these types of "godparent" issues that kind of get me. It's like people think the godparents HAVE to be extra generous and giving to that O. particular child. The role of a Godparent is to continue and or strengthen the spiritual teaching/beliefs of the child. Not to lavish with time, attention and gifts.
I'd say if her interaction with your daughter is about equal to you & hubby's interaction with her kids, then you are over reacting. Now I know that nothing hurts a mom (or dad) more than if they think someone is snubbing their kid--but I think you need to lower expectations. Obviously, this is a busy woman/mom/wife/volunteer and she seems to be kind & friendly when you're together. Keep extending invitations and if she rejects them--that's on her. It could be WAAAAAY worse!

I don't want to say that anyone is 'over reacting' when I don't know all the details, but..

Just from reading what you said, your SIL is a super busy person. It sounds like BEFORE you had the baby she was often just too busy to hang out with you much, so that probably wasn't going to change AFTER you had a baby. It sounds to me that perhaps you and your husband were so fond of his sister that you had unrealistic expectations of her time commitment to being a godmother.

Also in addition to caring for her own kids and other obligations, in some families, being a godparent is just not a very hands-on thing. Or often the godparent will be more involved as a mentor when a child is older- right now your baby is focused mainly on you! So she might have had very different expectations of what being a godmother entailed than you did.

Last but not least, you can love people and just not spend a lot of time with them. It doesn't necessarily make her 'fake' - it just means she loves you and loves your baby, but has a lot on her plate and cannot give everything as much time as she would like to. It's unfortunate that your husband is feeling slighted, but it is a little unrealistic- when you knew how busy her life was- to expect her to drop a lot of OTHER commitments to spend more time with you.

If it is really bothering you that much, I would approach her with your husband and just say " It really means a lot to us that Baby grows up knowing her godmother. She is getting big so fast- we would love it if you could come and spend some time with her this weekend, next week, etc." (set a specific time- ask her to put it in her calender since she undoubtedly has one).

If she is unable to do that, then I would have your husband speak to her and just say that you are both really missing her company and know how busy she is, but since you would really like your two families to be close as the kids grow, can she please carve out some extra time?

Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like she is doing anything 'wrong'- but she may just be so wrapped up in stuff going on that she hasn't realized how little she has seen of you. Either way, I doubt VERY MUCH that it is personal or she is being 'fake' to you, unless there is some other issue you haven't mentioned here.

Just be tactful and let her know that you truly miss and want to see her- not out of hurt feelings, but BECAUSE you miss her company. I'm sure she will realize she feels the same!

I'm wondering what she promised to help you out with when your baby was born. I'm thinking you have different expectations of a godmother. Good luck.

We all over extend ourselves sometimes. PTA presidents are very busy. After school and weekends, she is busy driving to her kids' activities. She may have had all the best intentions when she offered to "help" you with your baby and she may have been waiting for you to ask? Your expectations of her as a godmother - frequent visits and such, may not match her expectations. For some people, godmother is simply a title or they view their role as religious educator if something happens to the natural parent. I am sorry that she's not the godmother that you expected. It sounds like she enjoys spending time with your family but is just too busy to offer more. The life that she is living was already established when your baby was born.

Can you both just ask her about it and talk to her?

Next, maybe.... her idea of what a "Godmother" is, and what you/Husband think... are 2 different 'ideals.'

This is also all about "expectations" and 'needs.' And, they do not coincide... nor synchronize.

If you want your SIL to spend time with your baby... then INVITE her over. But she also has kids too... and a heavy schedule... so she might not be available.
And also... MAYBE she does not want to be thought of as a 'Babysitter" ... for your child. Maybe... she 'thinks' that this is what she is for. Just being a babysitter, too. So clarify that.

Expectations on both sides, yours/your Husband's, has to be adjusted. Because it does not mesh, with hers.

Your Husband, should be the one to talk to his Sister... it is his sister...

To me, a "Godmother" does not have to... spend the majority of time... with your child. Your SIL... also has kids of her own and has a full plate of stuff she does... and is very busy.

My advice is this - you can't make somebody else change. You can only control you. So, keep being the great person you are but don't give up on her. She's the one mising out. You have made every attempt to share your joy with her and she isn't taking you up on it. Don't lose any sleep over it. There are much worse things. It's sad for her, but at the end of the day, you have a happy healthy family that loves each other. You have a somewhat aloof sil. I have a mean, horrible, trouble making sil, that treats my brother like a slave! It could be worse. Just don't give up on her. Keep inviting. Keep including. Send her pictures, even if she doesn't ask for them. Your husband will appreciate the effort, even if she doesn't. Plus, You never know when a near death experience or some other Earth shattering event is going to make her realize who and what in life is really important. She will realize you and your husband have been there for her all along.

oh man alive I could of wrote something similar to this! My BIL and SIL live not even 2 min. from us and they hardly ever see us or our two kids we have the only boy in the family on my husbands side so I think that put some edge from the start. They like to party and be with friends more than staying home with their kiddos. Yes it bothers me trumendously but my husband is fine with it and so I have to let it go. If your husband is bothered by it he reallys needs to say something to his sister now and not let it build up inside for years to come.We fall in love with our spouses we don't always like the others families but that is fine you have each other and your kids. And as for the person who asked about you seeing your sil's kids yes you do need to make an effort to see them weather they play sports or whatever. I just went and watched my 16 year old niece play powderpuff football sat next to bil and sil and they didn't say one word to me but as long as I make an effort to see my nieces than that is all that matters.good luck and god bless

I don't think being a Godparent should make her need to be more involved in your childs life. She is your baby's aunt and you and your husband are aunt and uncle to her kids. What do you do to try to see her kids? Maybe she is feeling the same way. You and your hubby should try to reach out to her to see if you can go visit some time soon.

It isn't her fault you picked her as Godmother but it is her fault if she accepted and isn't following through. Wait until you are calm and you (and/or your hubby) should talk to her. Maybe the problem lies in what she thinks her role is vs. what you think her role is. Some see being a godparent as being the person who would raise the child if something happened to the parents (guardian) while others intend on it being a true godparent role (religious raising of the child).