Balancing Work and Family

It is great that grandma watches your baby. You should feel GOOD about it, not guilty. I only wish my son could spend that much time with one of his grandparents. I also work full time, but my son is almost two now. You will find that you'll have more time for yourself as he gets older and can do more things independently, or at least help you with whatever you are doing. I certainly also have those days that I feel guilty for working so much, but in the end it's just what I need to do right now. We are our own worst critics, right? ;-)

Hi S.,

I know it's so hard to go back to work. But it does get easier. It's really hard when they're so young because they require so much constant attention.

Try to work sometihng out with your husband that you can get out of the house for a couple hours on the weekend for "me" time.

What time are you putting Anders down for bed. You and he would probably benefit from going to bed between 7 and 8. That would give you a couple hours at night to do your work for school. Be sure your husband is helping around the house with things like dinner sometimes, dishes and cleaning. Don't forget to take soem time for you and your husband too....see if someone can watch the baby for a couple hours on a weekend day and go to lunch/dinner or a movie for "couple time" every once and a while.

Both times I went back to work, I felt exactly the same way you do now. It's hard, but it does get easier.

Hi S.: Hang in there. I was a zombie when I went back to work after each kid, and I had a longer leave than you did. I agree, you can't wait for the situation to be ideal to have kids.

I think you have to keep your expectations really low. Maybe set up your goals like: in a day you will accomplish 2 things: 1) work and 2) nursing/cuddling the baby.

The other really hard thing about being a working mom is that EVERYTHING is half-a$$ed. All your efforts toward work, housework, health, friends, family ... all will be not enough for someone. So. You have to think about YOUR priorities and focus on doing your best in one or two places. Everyone/everything else: you smile and say, "Wow! It has really been something since Anders came!" and let it go at that. Simplify and minimize.

Still, my kids are 5 and 8 now and it's much easier, but I still often feel overwhelmed and like I don't do a good job at much of anything. I try really hard to dedicate my non-work time to my boys ... even just down time with them. But I still always feel like nothing is getting done appropriately. I think it is just a condition of mommy-hood or especially working mommy-hood.

S.,
I think it will get better with a little more time. That's not much comfort, I know. I've been there. I bet we all have. What I decided to do was reduce my hours to a 70% schedule, and that worked wonders. Would it be possible for you to do that somehow? I'm thinking that it's hard to do for teaching because you're either full-time or a specialist or substitute teacher, am I right? One thing you can look forward to is having a small Christmas break and SUMMER! You picked a really great profession for that at least!
-C.

When my son was a baby I had a pretty hectic schedule. I worked 7:30am-4:30pm and my husband worked 1-9pm. My sister-in-law watched my son from noon until I picked him up around 5pm. So I was home by myself until my husband got home close to 10pm. It was tough for me to be alone as a firt time parent with a baby. It did get easier as he got older. I worked out his schedule so that around 7pm we would take a 1 hour nap together and then I would keep him up for my husband to see him. I made very simple dinners that didn't require too much time or we would make big dinners on weekends and have leftovers for me to eat during the week. That saved a lot of time. I used to go shopping with my son just to get out of the house. Every once in a while on weekends I would get together with friends and have fun without my son. I know it's hard to do but don't feel guilty about leaving him with your mom. At least he's been taken care of by family. Currently my husband works days and we have the same schedule and we have two kids, my son is 3.5 years and my daughter is 9 months. He is working on his Masters so I'm alone with the kids 1 night a week.

My daughter is now 6 years old and I still feel guilty and feel like a daycare center did most of her raising back then. She was in daycare from 6mos.-4years and I had finally had enough and decided to be a stay at home mom when she was about 4. Then I and was happy doing just that., of course that comes with alot of financial drawbacks and we cut out alot of luxury things in life like a cellphone,cable, stuff like that. You have to do what you have to do what makes everyone happy. Some mom's feel the need to leave the house and work other's want both worlds and work part time and some are stay at home mom's. Find your balance. I personally don't handle a full time job, and being a single mom so I work part time and balance that better.

My daughter's dad was arrested and kicked out of our house when she was only 6weeks old. I've been a single mother ever since. I never ever get a break and I've been the sole caregiver so I know how you feel when your exhausted and you have this little baby depending on you and noone to turn to or hand the baby off to. It definately get's alot easier. My daughter is now 6 and we are two peas in a pod and she is very helpful around the house and so much fun. When she was a few months old it was very stressful and I was sleep deprived and have no idea how I did but I did. You can do it too. Don't worry about the house and the dishes let some stuff go. I've learned my peace,relaxation and sleep are a must the dishes can wait, the laundry can go til the weekend.

A wise mother told me when I was pregnant that the two things you will never stop feeling as a mother is guilt and worry so don't beat yourself up about feeling that way but know EVERYONE feels that way sometimes.

Also, it's quality not quantity that really matters with kids, a concept that always gives me comfort.

Both of my parents were teachers and boy is that a WONDERFUL schedule when kids are in grade school, it's beautiful you love to teach!

I don't really have any advice to give you (mine's only 16 months so I am treading water too) other than my own mother always tells me any big change takes 6 months to feel even remotely comfortable.

Good luck to you.

Love the name of your son by the way.

That is a really tough schedule with such a small baby, but I don't think you should feel guilty that you didn't wait to have kids until you could afford to stay home. Is there any way you can lessen your work schedule without quitting entirely? You are working a really long day. It is nice that your son is with your mother mostly because that will be a permanent and important relationship for him as he grows and you can have complete confidence that he is being well cared-for.

Also, it will get easier to work. In a perfect world I think all moms should get a year off. I went back before that, but it took until my son was about a year for me to feel better about the whole arrangement. As your son gets older, you'll really be able to see the benefits to you of working and to your son of being with other people. My son loves his in-home daycare and I truly believe he is more stimulated there than he would be if he was home with me all day. And I am a better, more enthusiastic, happier mom for having adult contact and intellectual stimulation on a daily basis. I hope this is not in any way seen as critical of stay at home moms - I'm just talking about my own personal experience. I think everyone is different and different arrangements work for different people.

Still, one of the reasons I like the balance I have is that I have a flexible job. I drop my son off at daycare around 8:45 and pick him up at 4:30 so it is not a terribly long day for him or me. Sometimes I still have to do work after he goes to bed, but we always have a good few hours of playtime and dinner together.

One of the best pieces of advice I read about working with young children is to do what you need to do to stay in your job, but no more. This is not the time to take on additional responsibilities/committees, etc. Just do what you have to do for now because you have another, more important committment to your child. Once your child is in school, you can ramp up your efforts/ambition at work. If there is any way to scale back at work without quitting entirely, I'd try to do that. This would also apply to your husband. Can he get home any earlier to help with household tasks? Do as much as you can to make it manageable and let the rest go. You're doing the best you can.

B.
Momma to a crazy toddler and baby #2 on the way

You are lucky to have your mom watching him. Another thing you have to think about is...would you actually be the person YOU want to be if you stayed home. I know for me...I loved the idea of not having to get up early and drive to work, and staying home with my kid all day everyday and playing. But...there are downpoints too. People who are stay at home moms often have only 1 income and so staying on budget is harder, and being at home all the time is fun, but...sometimes, especially with only one income...that's exactly what you could be doing. You might not have the income to go to alot of play places and keep busy because of the fixed income. Also...personally, I feel better working and feeling like I'm making a difference somewhere other than my home. I like being needed elsewhere and making a difference in my work and taking pride in what I do. I feel like it's all mine and I don't have to share it with anyone. It's sort of selfish in a way, but for me, because I feel like I make a difference somewhere other than my home, I feel happier in myself and I can be a better mom when I have to put my Mom hat on. I also think that quality is better than quantity. I don't underestimate how much people who stay at home do. I can't do that much work all the time, so I go to work to relax and get peace time from my home life of cooking, cleaning, taking care of everyone else, life lessons for your child, etc. So, take comfort in working as long as you don't have the option to stay home.

My hubby always said (and still does) that he'd be fine with one of us staying at home. He'd be doing it if there was a way for me to bring home more money than he does. I've always had that option, but many things kept me in the workforce. You have a few hours in the evening with your child and the weekends. Make them count...make them quality. And, if you save your work until after your little one goes to bed, you'll feel more accomplished as a mom. If you cram that time full of attention for your son, you could probably even put him to bed a little earlier everynight and then, you'll even have a little extra time in the evening to get your tasks completed.

I think most mom's evenings are pretty similar. Cooking supper, playing, cleaning up, playing chauffer, laundry, putting kids to bed, cleaning more, work...etc. Most moms don't get time for themselves until way after the kids are in bed, and by then...you're so tired that we just go to bed too. Not much time for being lazy, etc.

I just started working a second part time job (for financial reasons). My son is almost two and I was very fortunate to be able to stay home with him on a part time basis since he was a baby. I felt I had the best of both worlds...as he has gotten older, he loves going to daycare and being with all the kids...of course I feel guilty for it, but in order to give my child and family what we need everyday, I have to work. I am also a much better mom when I am working, it keeps me busy and I am able to be an adult.
Heres a few things I have found that work for us as a family
I work two days a week 9-2 and the other three 8-4:30 (leave time for commute).
the night before work the next day:
**Pick out clothes for the next day
**Plan a meal (we do crock pot meals at least two or three nights a week) so I pull out the meat and veggies and put it in the crock pot and put the crock pot in the fridge, next morning all I have to do is pull out the pot and plug it in. Just be sure to add a liquid or soup so it doesnt burn or dry out.
**I leave all housework (except dinner dishes) until after our son goes to bed. I want to have QUALITY time with my him.
**8pm bedtime, I work around the house while I listen to the TV. Hubby isnt especially helpful but I make him fold the laundry or clean up the toys while he watches his TV show.
Other helpful hints:
**Cook big meals on the weekends and plan for leftovers.
Make your weekends count, while the baby sleeps, do the laundry, or clean the kitchen. Since my son is quite a bit older, we can actually rest when he does. Spend lots of time playing with him, reading books, doing activities or going places. He'll always know that YOU are his mother.
**As Anders gets older, it will get easier. Infant stage is tough becasue they depend on us for everything. Make sure and teach him that from a very young age its ok to play by yourself, put him out on he floor with toys and let him play, you can still watch over him while you check emails, grade papers, wash the dishes, etc. I did this with my son and he plays very well by himself. We get down on the floor and play with him a lot, but he also likes to sit and sort his shapes or do a puzzle.
Staying home with the kids on one income is tough, unless the other parent makes a lot of money. I always found it hard to do things because I was always spending money. WE had to cut out a lot of luxury items and fun things. We still do but its getting a little bit easier.
I am a much better mom when I am working, you too will find your balance. have good, quality, dependable daycare makes a huge difference too. I drop off my son at daycare and he is so happy. I go to work everyday knowing that he is well cared for, I never have to think about his safety. Of course I miss him but in the end it will all work out. Make the decision based on what is best for you and your family. If you find staying home is best, than stay home until he's a bit older than go back to work.
Its not easy, but it will all workout.
Goodluck!