I Want the Cake, to Eat It and a Pretty Dish...

The happy balance IS just a fairy tale--there is no perfect solution. I work full-time and wish I could be home with my 3 year-old boy, but whenever I am at home on vacation, I have the same frustrations you described--can't keep the house clean, can't entertain my child well enough, etc. I feel guilty working but also would feel unfulfilled staying home all day--and it's okay to feel that way. Since you don't have to work full-time, one option you could consider is to work part-time during the day, and find an inexpensive preschool or child care you could send your kids to during that time. It would give your kids some social/learning time, give you a break, reduce your guilt from working full-time, and give you some extra cash. If it's not enough money, maybe you could still bartend on the weekends to make up for it. I do believe that even SAHMs who feel incredible fulfilled at home still need a break during the day from their kids. As much as we'd all like to believe in the "fairy tale" of staying at home and running a perfect household, it's almost impossible to attain--and your own well being is important, too. Working part-time could give you some of that feeling of satisfaction and being part of the "outside" world. No matter what you decide, just know that your decision is right for you, and that's all that matters.

C.,
I agree with Carla that you need to let the housework slide a little bit. I try to keep up on it during the day (clean up after lunch, etc) but it is always messier than I'd like. I try to do at least one big chore after the kids are in bed (sweep, mop, dishes) then leave the rest for the next day. It really is a never ending battle with two little kids.

My best advice is to join a mom's group. I'm not sure about your area, but try MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and MOMS Club International. I joined my local MOMS Club and LOVE it. They have activities during the day that young kids enjoy (trips to the zoo, lunch at restaurants where kids eat free, afternoons at a park, playgroups) and you can make great friends with other SAHMs. It's great support for you, let's your kids socialize and you get out of the house (which stays clean while you're gone!). Nobody understands a Mom like another Mom.

Another idea is to get your oldest into a preschool. Most are just a few hours long and it gets them used to the concept of school, social skills, etc. And it gives you and your little one time alone. My 4-year-old loves his preschool and my 2-year-old and I get time alone or time to run errands (much easier with just one kid).

I choose to be a SAHM and we took a financial cut because of it, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I hated it when I worked and I only got to see my firstborn for a few hours in the evening. Although being a SAHM is a lot more work, in my opinion, it's well worth it. They will only be little once.

You'll find that balance eventually.

I know exactly how you feel! I quit my job when we relocated and have been a stay at home mom since then. I have to say some days I miss the control of work and the feeling of accomplishment I used to get there. Let's admit it, the stay at home mom is the most underappreciated person in the world. Anyone who hasn't done it has no idea how difficult it is (for some of us). I was definitely not born the mothering type.
I have also thought about going back to work, and in our case, it isn't even for the money.. sometimes I just feel my kids would be better off at daycare than with their frustrated mother. I get so very little time to myself that I spend my day trying to sneak away for awhile. My husband of course thinks he's the greatest husband in the world for watching the kids for 15 minutes a day so I can shower. (ha ha sound familiar anyone?)
Anyways, I would absolutely do whatever feels right to you and don't listen to all the outside pressure because there's lots of that. Kids probably do get more quality time with mothers that work because of the guilt thing. But if you're really worried about missing out on stuff I would just stay at home for awhile longer... they'll be in school before you know it. Also working part time is an awesome idea. You get to get away but you're not away all day long. Good luck with everything.

Hey C., I have so been there! First of all I think you've answered your own question. You're seeing the guilt and loss in your daughter that you know you need to stay home and be with her. I am a stay at home mom and I personally think that's what's best for you right now too. I know its hard. We've lived paycheck to paycheck for years only to see those paychecks not stretch far enough. But for all the frustration it caused it would have been even harder going back to work. Staying home was the best option, for me at least. You can have your cake and eat it too, it may just have to be smaller pieces though. I know you bartend at night but can you also bartend on your husband's days off to make alittle more money? Does your husband have the qualifications to maybe look for a better job? My husband worked as a manager for McDonalds for 5 years but that qualified him to be a manager with the State of Colorado and now he has a fantastic job! Forget about the housecleaning. My mom always said, cleaning a house with little kids around is like shoveling the snow in a blizzard, you can't get ahead and you can't win. Make a day for cleaning. Mondays you do laundry, Tuesdays you clean and vacuum the living room, Wednesdays you dust ect...just make a point to do the dishes every evening before going to bed and make your husband help if you're not there to do it, teach the kids to put their dirty clothes in the hampers and to pick up their toys when they're done playing. Its hard at first but if you keep on them and encourage them, they'll catch on and pretty soon they're doing it on their own. We keep a cardboard box by the front door for the kids to toss their shoes in when they come in, it isn't attractive but we never lose any shoes. Remember that kids grow quickly and those younger years are so important, don't sweat the small stuff. Learn to pick your battles. Are some things really worth getting upset about or can you let that go? What will that matter in the long run? If it matters alot then that's a battle worth fighting but if it doesn't make much difference then let the handprints stay on the glass ya know. Pretty soon both of your children will be in school then you can go back to work full time and things will be much better but for now, work nights and weekends and eat your cake during the day.

You sound just like me when I decided to stay home. I had our second son in Septemberof 2005 and decided it wasn't worth day-care to keep working. After crunching numbers with my husband, we decided it would be best for me to stay home with my kids. I remember when I worked, I would be so sad that I couldn't be home with them, so when the opportunity came for me to stay home, I took it.

It wasn't as easy as I thought. I still feel like I spend all day cleaning house and not enjoying my kids. I finally put together a schedule and stuck to it. I have certain days that I don't do any house work at all, and that is my play day with my kids. I have other days that are 100% house work days and that's all I do. I'm a clean freak, so it was very hard for me to learn to let the house go, but time with my children is more important than if the dishes get done. I pick certain days to clean bathrooms, sweep and mop or what ever else needs to be done. I honestly made a weekly chore list where I put down on certain days this and that get done. It's not perfect, but it has helped my family a lot!

Now for the money part. I must have worked every work at home opportunity out there! In all honesty I couldn't find one that I really made money doing anything. I went to school to do nails, thinking that would be a great way to make money from home, but quickly found out that it's hard to build clients working in your home and even harder to focus on clients while you're watching your kids. I have been fortunate to find a financial company that I've started working part-time with. They let me set my schedule and I'm able to work when I want. The great thing is I've been able to replace my old income with this part-time income. (if you're interested email me private and I can tell you more ____@____.com) That's been nice because it puts me back in the business world, but I can still set my schedule around sports and school activities. It's also nice because I don't have to give up my old life style to be at home with my kids.

I think it's natural to want your cake and eat it too. Being a stay at home mom is hard work. Not to mention that when you do the laundry, there's still more of it the next day and no one really seems to appreciate that you made them lunch or dinner. I honestly beleive that a schedule is the best way to keep on track. I know it's hard when you have kids because they don't always stick to the schedule, but you'll get the hang of it.

Good luck!

I am not sure if we can have our cake and eat it too, but I do know you can find a balance. When my kiddos were little I started simplifying my life, by doing so cleaning was a breeze. I do laundry twice a week only- normally before and after the weekend.

I work from home too - which allows to help with financial needs too. I love it as I set my own schedule and work when I want. It is great!

Happy Balance isn't a fairytale and definatly can become a reality if you want it to. I would be happy to share with you what I do from home to help you create a environmment that brings a smile to your face.

You can visit my website at: www.AHomeCareer.com

Many Blessings,
C.

Hi C.,

I understand your situation because I am a working mom AND a SAHM (I teach during the school year, then have 2 months off over the summer.)

Try www.flylady.net... it's a free website that is all about managing your time so that you can keep a tidy home, feed your kids healthy meals, have play time with the kids AND time for yourself and your hubby. It really changed my life!

Good luck to you! You CAN have your cake and eat it, too!

With love from
P.

Hey C.- I am a stay at home mom and I have some of the same concerns as you. I have a 2 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. I really try my hardest to do house work as I see it needs to be done that way at the end of the day I am not having to stay up all night to clean. I also get up at 5am to walk with a neighbor and then have some time to myself before the kids wake up-this has been the best thing i have done for myself. I also have adopted a more of an old fashioned housewife approach to my life and I try to not compare myself to how other moms are doing things (it's hard to do-but I try). You can have a happy balance but you have to rethink what you want, I have recently started back to work, just two days a week and I see very little difference in how I spend time with my kids, we still play alot at the park and on playdates and i try to do little outing outside of the box (like picnics in interlocken so we can watch planes and helicopters fly by). I may not be able to do everything i want to do now (like get ny haircut on a regular basis) but I figure sooner than I know it they'll be off with their friends all the time and won't want me around as much. So I'm enjoying them while I can.

I don't think you need to feel guilty, I don't think that you are alone in your struggle to find balance. In fact I know that I recently made the decision to stay home after always working and it has been a very big adjustment. I have a three year old and a 5 week old and I often feel guilty for the same reasons you mentioned in your post. At first I think that I may have set my expectations to high. I thought that I should be able to be a "supermom" and do everything for everybody. I have learned in the last handful of weeks to re-evaluate my expectations and learn to live with dishes in the sink or laundry in the hamper. I also keep communication open with my husband so there are no misunderstandings between us about what I am feeling or doing during the day. I am trying to find a way to balance family and bring in extra income as well. Until I can find something that works for us my husband has agreed to take on a part time second job. He makes good money at his "day job" but it just harder these days to make ends meet on a single income. Try not to set your personal goals by some crazy standard you think you need to meet. You will find the balance that works for you not the rest of the world and that is all that matters. Good Luck!