Bedtime Advice

Sounds like she is getting enough sleep to me. If she isn't overly cranky or hard to wake up in the morning, her bedtime doesn't sound unreasonable.

My son has never gone to sleep before 9:30pm no matter how tired he is or how many naps he's missed. It's been this way since he was born. My hubby has a long commute home and wouldn't see Ian at all if he went to bed sooner.

If she's happy and you're happy, I don't see the problem. Everyone has different ideas on "proper parenting." There is no one right answer, only the one that works for you. I wouldn't create more stress for myself if I were in your shoes. It sounds to me like you have a consistent routine which is important for security and healthy development. Keep up the great work!

I empathize with your situation about the input of your mother-in-law. It is hard when you are trying to juggle so much, but I agree with others who say she has your daughter's best interest at heart. It has taken me a while to get to that point with my in-laws, but I always accept what they say and then try to do what's best either way. I'll never be perfect, but I too want what's best so I just think things over and come here for input too. I also agree with Love R.'s post. My son was 9 months old when he started sleeping through the night and now that he is 18 months, I'm glad I got him on a good schedule when he was an infant. A close friend of mine also recommended the same book by Weissbluth that Love R. recommends. It is easy to understand and gives you choices of how to implement the strategies to get your child on a better schedule...better meaning more sleep. I agree with other moms too who say an earlier bedtime would really help especially if start now. It will only get harder to do later, so I would definitely look into the book and make it work for you. My son only gets to spend about an hour with his dad after dinner and then he is off to bed by 7pm. He does not wake up early as some might think, he wakes at 7am. The time it will take to get your baby to sleep at night is well worth it in the long run as far as good sleep habits and a routine. I know it sounds hard to think about spending less time with her, but she will be better rested in the long run and will deal better with the approaching milestones of learning new things etc. I would try the gradual approach of moving the bedtime up about 15 minutes each day and cut out the tv in bed as others have suggested. There are some great nightlights out there that can help; one even shines constellations on the ceiling that I plan on getting at some point. I don't mean to make this sound like a piece of cake, because you have so much to do in the evenings as it is...do try to enlist the help of the other kids if you can and get a copy of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. My son continues to sleep through the night every night unless he isn't feeling well. It is very rare for me to have to go in to comfort him as he can put himself back to sleep. He takes one nap a day for about 2-3 hours, so sleeping through the night hasn't affected his daytime nap. Ultimately, I hope you find what works for you and your daughter. Try not to let your mother-in-law mess with your head and just think about your daughter. You are a great mom juggling work, stepkids, a 22 month old, cooking, and laundry so don't doubt that you too want what is best. You love your family and that is what it's all about. All the best to you. Please let us know how things go down the line.

I will have to agree with some people here. An earlier time is needed. I had my son sleep on "MY" schedule. I let him watch TV to fall asleep as well. It was easy to do, but then it turned into a nightmare! He is now 7 years old and is just now sleeping without a light. I took the TV away when he started school because he would stay up late. Then he said he was scared of the dark. While it is 'easier' to make a child go throughout the day on 'your' schedule, it is not always what is best for the child. We as parents need to rearrange ourselves so our children get what is best for them. P.S. My son has to be in bed by 7:30pm, he gets up at 6:40am for school, any later and he has a really bad day. (ADHD)

Well, mine slept 12 hrs at this age, plus the nap. In my situation, we would put her down earlier. But that is my own sitch'- not yours. Your schedule is different and like you said "If it isn't broke..."
Why does yor mom think you need to change it? I know (believe me, I KNOW) mom's "advice" can linger in your head making you wonder wether you are damaging your child for life, but think back to when you set aside mom's voice and did what worked for you and your own circumstances in the past...
However if you do want to try and get her down earlier, what kind of help can you recruit from dad/siblings? Can you have them help with dinner so you can eat earlier? And do laundry etc after she is in bed? Or can you (or a family member) get her bathed before dinner?
Maybe since mom is pressuring you she would be willing to help out in some capacity, like picking up from daycare or something?

Is she cranky? Is she so tired that she is having meltdowns at bedtime consistently? No? Then, politely say: I appreciate your assistance mom, and I would definately change her bedtime if it seemed like she needed it, but she seems to be doing really well with the current schedule." If she is taking a 3 hour nap at daycare, she is fine. Carry on with the schedule that is working for your family. Best of luck to you.

YOU are her mother, your mother is yours! She had her turn raising you, now it is your turn to raise your daughter how YOU see fit! (No disrepect meant toward your mom!! We have always put ours kids to bed a little later than the "norm". They are a 5 and 7 and by the time we are done with sports, dinner, bath, etc... we still want to spend some time with them!! WHen they were younger it was usually about 9, by the time daddy got home, dinner, etc he wanted time with them, if we put them to bed early like everyone suggested, we would never have gotten adequate family time. Is she cranky or seeming like she isn't getting enough sleep?? Sounds like she is taking a pretty good nap. As for the tv before bedtime, I know they say it is stimulating, but mine always fell out real quick with it on versus it off. So I say YOU ARE DOING A FINE JOB, and if it is working for you and your family YEAH!!!! Every family is different and we all raise our kids to the best of our abilities, sounds like you are doing a terrific job! Keep up the good work!

I'd say its none of MIL's business but also 12 hours of sleep seems fine to me. You can look it up online. I know Parent Center.com has a chart if you use the search engine within their site you should be able to find it.

Hi V.!

OK...so, in a perfect world all moms wouldn't need to work, and the kids would milk the cows, and be in bed by 8pm and up early to feed the chickens! :o) We live in the real world, and everyone has different schedules and we can barley keep kids doing any chores :o)

It sounds like you have a great schedule for what works for you. The 3 hour nap is a major plus for your daughter.

I am mostly a SAHM with a part-time job in my home. I am OVERLY organized and on schedule and even I cannot get the kids regularly into bed due to soccer, etc... I finally changed my routine, and they are in bed by 8:15, but don't fall asleep until 9ish.

Anyway, back to you :o) I think the most important thing is that YOU HAVE A ROUTINE. It sounds like you do. Kids just need routine, and they can adjust to any schedule!

If it's not broke, don't fix it :O)

~N.

You are right, if it isn't broke don't fix it. If she doesn't seem to be having issues, she's getting enough sleep. You're doing fine. Everyone has so much advice about what to do with your baby, but you know best. Trust your instincts, sounds like you're doing fine. Take care, C.

If the schedule you have right now is working for you than I see no reason to change it. I know mother's mean well, but they do have to respect that this is your child, you know your child and are doing what you feel is best. From what you've described everything sounds like a normal family night to me. Plus putting her to bed any earlier could take more time away from you also. I know when my step son was a toddler, my husbands ex was always trying to get us to put him to bed very early. At the time I was the one who spent the most time with him because she was either working or playing and more playing. I had a hard time dealing with it because I really didn't think it was fair to him. His day would be lunchtime, naptime, dinnertime and bedtime if I did what she kept telling me to do. So finally I talked with my husband about it and I told him how I didn't think it was fair and I told him that I didn't really think that my step son really needed to go to bed that early. My husband agreed that our house was our house and we are able to do what we think is best at our house. She can do what she wants at her home but our house is our house and we have our own routines for the kids. Granted, his ex still kept telling us what schedule she wanted the kids to be on but we still went along with what we felt was best in our own home. The ex isn't always happy with it but dies know that we have our own ways in our house. I do have my own son now and we have a routine for him also, my mom sometimes laughs at this and thinks I need to relax about it but I have told her that I feel the routine is right for my son and she respects that. I know it's not easy but maybe you should let your mom know that you feel that everything is okay with your daughter and she is healthy and happy.

I have read in books that if you are a working parent, and your hours of work make it necessary for your child to stay up and have a later bedtime, so you can spend time together, then do so. It sounds like she's having a good nap at daycare, and going to bed that late isn't bad. Your child will let you know if she isn't getting enough rest. It's important that you all have family time together. I'm all for the later bedtime to acheive that. Go with what feels right to you. That is usually the right answer :-)

If it is not broke don't fix it. BUt.....i would not let her wacht tv in bed. It is a stimulate and may be making her stay up longer. Try letting her read a book(well look at the pictures) if she needs some wind down time before she goes to sleep.

As far as waking up ealry when i put my son down at 9 he would get up at 7:30. When i put him down at 8 he getts up at 8. They need about 12 hours a night plus a nap.
But you know your child the best and know if she is not getting enough sleep.

V.

Please see # 4 on your post....BECAUSE---If it ian't broke why fix it? (EXACTLY)
Sounds to me like she is gettig a great nights sleep and a fantastic 3 hour nap.....relax nothing is wrong with that!!!

Hug to the good mommy!

C.

I think your schedule is perfectly fine... Moms always have their opinions. My mom had me in my own room from day one, and I had my baby in the same room with me, right next to my bed (many times in my bed). She thought this was a bad idea and there was a little tension when we would speak about it. After a while she accepted it, along with the other parenting differences we have. You know what is best for you and your baby. Keep it up!

If it works for you & your family, keep it the way it is. We have the same schedule at my house. Every family is different.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. If your daughter isn't falling asleep until 9:30ish then she must be fine. Tell mom not all peoples schedules work the same. Your schedule seems to be working for you and your daughter. God's Blessings to you, N.

I would first talk with your pediatrician. In my humble opinion (I am not a health professional) is that if your daughter is not tired and you feel that she is healthy and happy, then it is up to you as her mother to set these things up.
Why is your mother wanting to change her sleep habits? What are her concerns? Have you done any research to see if you should be changing the schedule?
I work full time as well as take care of my daughter, I can not imagine adding more children on top of the one that I have already. Do what works for your family and the extended family will just need to accept that this is what you are doing.

I say stick to what works... As long as your child is getting enough hours of sleep, it really doesn't matter what time of night/day she goes to sleep and wakes up. I have pretty much the same schedule as you noted, except my little guy (4 yrs) goes to sleep at 9:00 and gets up at 8:00 (w/ no nap durring the day), but when he wakes up earlier (7am), I don't really see a difference with his personality. 10-12 hours is plenty! Contact your pediatrician to consult on exactly how many hours she should sleep daily, but with a 3 hr nap (wow, long nap!), she is getting plenty of sleep! Don't you love it when mothers step in with their wisdom.?.?.?.? Sometimes it helps, but you've got to pick and choose the "suggestions"... Good luck!

Dear V.,

I think you have it going ON! The only thing I would change is the need to watch a video to get to sleep. I feel a little soft music would be better and only for about 10-20 minutes.

You sound like a pretty great Mom to all the children in your house….hope your husband helps you out and appreciates all that you do.

As for your Mom, unless she’s at your house every night, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. If she’s really pushing it, you just have to let her know that “your schedule” works for “your family”, followed with a big hug and kiss!

Blessings….

Hi V.,

Don't feel pressured from your Mom. Use your intuition. What worked for her is not necessarily the "way it should be". It looks like your schedule works for you and your Daughter is happy. Listen to advice and run it though your own internal guidance system- intuition - logical thinking. Weigh it out and come up with your own decision. And you don't need people to agree with you as that is another trap. If it works for you, doesn't matter how anyone else does it. Trust yourself.

How old are your step-kids. Probably time for them to do some chores and help you out. Sounds like you are doing it all. Even little ones can pitch in and they feel important and needed by helping.
Good Luck,
Gale

Hey V.,

It sounds like you have the same schedule as me minus the fou step children. I too have been advice to put my son to sleep at an earlier time, he usually goes to sleep at 10 pm. I have tried changing his schedule with no luck. We have even gone to the extent of turning all the lights off at 9 pm and going to sleep ourselves. My son will play in the dark until around 10 pm when he goes to sleep. You might want to visit with the day care and ask that her nap time be shorter and explain the situation. In my case, I just left it as is. Even though is an hour difference it is hard for me to change my routine.

V.
Here is my thought...
I think she is taking too long of a nap. If you have the daycare shorten her nap by one hour, she will go to bed earlier. She is sleeping soo long during the day because she isn't getting enough sleep at night. If she sleeps less through the day, she will go to bed earlier, thus requiring less sleep during the day.

Think about it as an adult. If you sleep really good, go to bed at a good hour, and feel rested, usually you would not require a nap or feel tired. If you don't get enough sleep you feel tired and would probably take a nap during the day.

I believe it is the same as the kids. My kids have always gone to bed by 8pm... taken 1.5-2 hour naps(if I am lucky) and are ready to go to bed by 8pm. Then you have an hour or two by yourself or with spouse. Maybe while your cooking dinner this is where everyone gets a shower, and maybe if one of the older siblings could help with bath time. This would save you time,
then after dinner you could all play together because bath time is done.
That is what I do... While I am getting dinner prepared, my 6 or 9yo daughters keep my 21 month old son occupied in the shower (not bath- shower is downstairs adjacent to kitchen/family room.They actually fight over who gets to give him his bath) This helps me so when we are done with dinner we clean kitchen, and then we have some quiet play time. By 8 o'clock we go up brush teeth, read a story, and in bed... That is when I do laundry and have quiet time with husband. If you get everyone is bed earlier you can use that time to do laundry... so you don't waste your time right when you get home... that way you can get dinner prepared even 10-15 minutes earlier.

This is what works for my family. I have 4 kids and a husband.
Hope some of this advice helps you during the evening hours
Trish

If she isn't cranky, seems to be thriving, gets to spend time with you and the rest of the family...You are right about not fixing something if it isn't broken! You know your kid best, you know yourself best, and no one benefits from a stressed out mom. Tell your mom, thanks for being concerned and that you will watch for signs that your daughter needs a change.

First, good for you for handling this hectic schedule. It sounds like you are juggling many responsibilities.

The only reason you should change your daughter's schedule is if it isn't working in some way. If your daughter is exhausted and not getting enough sleep, it could effect her moods, behavior, and development.

But that is for you to decide. Your mother, although she wants to be helpful, seems to be making your life harder by pressuring you. It sounds like you have enough going on without an additional stress. You might want to channel your mother's "helpful" side by coming up with things that could actually help you that she could do. Be sure to thank her for wanting to help when you tell her that this pressure is not helping. You can tell her that you appreciate what a good mother she was to you, but that you have to find your own way.

I recommend doing a little research on sleep, that way you have some facts at your fingertips when you have this conversation with your mother. And you won't worry that she knows so much more than you.

Setting some boundaries with your mother now will make similar struggles over potty-training, diet, dressing for school, (and on and on), a little easier.

How do I know this? I've got a very well meaning MIL with boundary issues. I had to figure out where to let her in and where to draw the line.

I dont see a problem with your schedule. She is only 22 months. She isnt in preschool yet so I think its fine. Once she starts school you definitely want to put her to bed by 8pm so she wont be cranky in school. But for now, I dont see a problem with a 9pm bedtime.

Hi V.. I think your mother is thinking old school. Sounds to me like everything's ok! My 2 yr old goes to bed around 10 and wakes up at 9 with sometimes no nap..so sounds to me like your daughter is getting good sleep!!! Sometimes moms and people in general always feel like they have to put their two cents in but I just wouldn't bring the subject up to your mom or if she brings it up just change the subject!! You're doing good!! Good luck!

Well...it's really not any of her business :-) but if YOU wanted her to get a little bit more sleep you could do away with the movie. It's just one more activity lengthening the routine. It's a good age to learn to fall asleep with no props, too.

Putting her to bed earlier probably will not affect what time she wakes up.

Sounds like you are very busy and what you are doing works for you so unless your little one is showing signs of needing more sleep (cranky, wired, hyperactive, having a hard time settling down, gets sick often, has trouble concentrating-stuff like that) you could just keep doing what is already working.

My son is 16 months and always goes to bed at 9:30-10pm. We've tried putting him to bed earlier and he jsut cries...so we've decided this is what is best for him now- go to bed at (;30/10pm and wakes up at 7:30/8am.
You are the mom- ignore you're mom if she gets too controling and just smile and say, thanks for your input:)
-Wendy

Like your baby, my 2 1/2 yo has the same sleep pattern. I have tried and tried to move her bedtime earlier but she will just lay in her bed and read books or sing and usually falls asleep around 9:10 or so. This actually works for us since I am a SAHM and my husband (who works so hard) arrives home between 7:45 and 8:15 depending on which train he takes home from San Francisco. If I were to put her to bed when my mom thinks she should go to bed, she wouldn't see her dad for 5 days straight! I do get her ready for bed before he gets home so he has at least 45 minutes to play with her. He enjoys winding down with her and getting her settled for the night. She wakes up on her own every morning between 6:30 and 8:00 and takes at 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. Much like her father, that is the way she is wired! I wouldn't let your mom guilt you into changing anything if it works for your family. She isn't there to deal with the stress it creates to change something that isn't broken. lol Sounds like your precious one is getting plenty of sleep to me!

You seem to be balancing everything in your busy life so well, and she is taking a 3 hour nap every day. It is not broken so don't fix it is my advice. Your mother in law is just concerned--talk to her gently about her fears and ask her how she would change things since they are working well. Is she willing to bring a precooked meal to your home at 6 pm every night so that you don't have to spend time cooking for 6 after working all day? Or taking over the laundry for her 4 grandchildren? Be gentle but firm with her, you may need her help and she is your husband's mother. Good luck!

I totally agree with #4. If it isn't broke, why fix it?
If any of my 4 children had schedules that worked that well, my life would be perfect. I have a 23 month old son and his schedule is awful! He goes to bed after 10pm almost every night, he wakes numerous times in the night to nurse...mind you, he shares a room with us and is usually in our bed all night...eek it kills my back...he wakes up every morning by 8am...and doesn't always take a nap during the day. Just because your mother believes that your daughter needs a better schedule, it doesn't mean that your daughter does. It sounds like the schedule you have works for you and your daughter. She sleeps through the night, naps during the day and goes to bed generally at the same time every day. What more could you ask for? Be strong...understand and explain that YOU are the mother of THIS child and it is YOUR decision to have THIS schedule. You understand opinion and value her support, but you are doing what you believe to be right for YOUR FAMILY! Don't let her make you feel like you are doing it wrong. You're doing a GREAT JOB!!!! I have a mom that gives too much advice and it took me over 20 years to be able to see that she wasn't always right. "I am now THE MOM and it is MY TURN to take care of MY FAMILY. You did what you thought was right when we were kids and you did a great job. Thanks for the advice, but I believe this is the right way for US! I still love ya and still need your support though!" Good luck with your mom, cause you don't need any luck with your daughter...you've already got it all together there! :-)
Many blessings to you and yours,

M. in CA...

Hi V.,
I HIGHLY recommend you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. He explains biological sleep rhythms and breaks down his book into age appropriate sections/needs. Different ages need different sleep. Your mom is right. Per Dr. Weissbluth, your 22 month old daughter should be going to be at 6-7pm and waking at 6-7am. These times coincide with her biological sleep cycles. At her age she should be getting 11-12 hrs of sleep at night. The problem with sleeping outside of the biological sleep cycles/rhythms is the sleep she is getting isn't as restorative, and through tons of research Dr. Weissbluth has linked it to learning problems, ADD, and illness. It is very hard to have an early bedtime when you work fulltime but it is in your daughter's best interest. If you can have the daycare feed her dinner it may help. I have started using my crockpot alot more to give me some time. You didn't mention how old your step-children are, perhaps they can help you when you get home so you can focus on getting your daughter bathed and in bed. You would be surprised at how your daughter would welcome an early bedtime though it may take 1-2 weeks to change her late bedtime habit. My best friend has always put her daughter to bed around 9-10pm and now that she is in Kindergarten she is having problems. Listen to your mom with an open mind, she has your daughter's best interest at heart.
Sincerely,
L.

PS Email me if you want more info on Dr. Weissbluth.

Sounds like the schedule works for you and your family. Stick with it!

My kids are now 5 and 7, and up until last year, they have always had a 9pm bedtime. Once my daughter started first grade, I moved their bedtime up to 8pm because she had to wake up earlier for school. Moving their bedtime was not a problem....waking up earlier made them ready for bed by 8 in the evening.

So if putting your daughter to bed at 9 allows for some family togetherness, that is well worth keeping her up until 9. Keeping my kids up until 9 since they were toddlers hasn't had any adverse effects on them...they are happy, smart, energetic, kindhearted kids.

Like you said, If it isn't broke, why fix it?