Bedtime Problems - Spring Hill,TN

I'm 51, 'Mom' to 4 adults and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 little 'grands'. I love to watch 'Nanny' shows (Nanny 911, SuperNanny, Take-Home Nanny). I suggest you do the same. If you tell her she starts sleeping in her bed as of tonight, then put her back in her bed EVERY time she comes out, within ONE night you'll win. Don't make a game of it, or she wins. On one Nanny 911 show they put the kid back into bed over 30 times, but he finally got the message. It was definitely harder on the parents than on him!

The best parenting advice my mom ever gave me was, "Don't ever say anything to a child unless you mean it." Simple, but profound.

Try a book called the 'No Cry Sleep Solution'. It has some very helpful hints in it, also a CD called *TRANSITIONS -Lullabys for sleeping babys* It's a fantastic going to sleep CD. It could be the TV before bed that is keeping her brain wired. I found that a warm bath just before bedtime is the best time, and after bath time, her feet are not allowed to touch the floor again (straight to bed after PJs and story) and there is NO playing after bath time or watching TV. It really helps calm the brain down for sleep. Also, if she wakes up, no talking to her, I just gently lay her down and rub her back for a minute, or get her her favorite stuffed animal, but I do NOT talk to her. It seems harsh, but words just wake her up more and she wants to respond back to me. (She's 2yrs. old also) Good Luck!

Part of the problem might be the bedtime routine. TV/movies is actually very stimulating, so it's counter-productive to the goal of getting her relaxed and ready for bed.

Before bed, you should talk to her about the rules - bedtime is so that she gets plenty of rest so isnt too sleepy to play tomorrow, she has to stay in her room after you put her to bed, etc. Talk about how even if you arent in the room, you love her.

Maybe you could tweak her bedtime routine - try giving her a bath with a few drops of lavender oil (the lavender aroma is relaxing) and maybe spritz her sheets/pillow with lavender mist (if she likes the scent). After her bath, cuddle with her while reading a story. Maybe come up with a little saying to use every night (like sleep well, sleep tight, dont let the bedbugs bite) that you'll say every night before leaving the room. If she's scared of the dark, let her pick out a nightnight. (I personally like this one - http://www.goodnitelite.com/index.php - soft blue light at night and it looks like a moon, then at the time you set it for, it will change to a sun). I like it because you can teach your child that they may not leave their room as long as the moon is out, that they cant get out of bed or leave the room until the "sun" comes up. It's a behavioral modification tool.

As far as the crying until she makes herself sick - personally I would ignore it. Whether she cries and you come running or she cries and gets sick and you come running, either way she gets you. Give her a box of tissues or a few wipes in a container she can open and show her how to clean herself up. The crying may stop when it stops getting a response from you.

however you choose to handle it, good luck. It can be very frustrating dealing with a young child that makes bedtime a battle everyday!!

Here is what works for us...my son is 23 months old. I refuse to battle bed times and I also refuse to let my child cry himself to sleep. (We tried a couple of times out of exhaustion, and like your daughter, my son will get so worked up til he throws up.)

My son goes to bed at 9. At 8, he gets a bath, then 8:30 his milk...when he's done I brush his teeth. At about 8:45-8:50, either DH or I takes him to his room and rocks him to sleep (he is still in a crib...when we move him to a twin bed, we will lay with him). Like I said, there is no battle. It takes him about 5 to 10 minutes to fall asleep and he does it without being scared to go to sleep.

I know you want her to fall asleep by herself now, but some children really aren't wired that way. People will tell you, she's just working you because she can. Well, what if that isn't true? Many 2 year olds have irrational fears, but they are very real to them. When I'm home alone at night, I'm still uneasy and it's hard for me to fall asleep.

We put a sound machine or fan beside his crib to help him stay asleep at night (white noise helps a lot), but he still usually wakes up around 4 to 5. He sleeps b/t DH and I to finish out the night. When he gets a little older, I'll probably put him a little bed beside our bed. I slept in my parents room until I was 5 in what I called my "little bed".

All kids are so different. In my opinion, do whatever gets her to sleep the quickest...then go spend time with hubby. Maybe put her to bed 30 minutes earlier to compensate. This stage may seem like forever, but very quickly she'll be 5. We have very little time with our children as small kids, but the rest of our lives with our husbands. (Not saying to ignore hubby's needs...but sometimes there is that sacrific that has to be made.)

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Hi A.,
We went through this when my oldest was 2 as well. Her teacher recommended a book called "Is my child overtired?" by Dr Wilcoff. It's a great book and it has helped us with both of our kids. Someone else posted the suggestion of putting your child to bed over and over until they stay there and I agree with this technique entirely. It really does work! Don't give in, give up or quit or the whole thing is a waste of time. Another book with this same technique is a book by the Super Nanny. I can't recall the title but she actually does this technique on her show and again, it works wonderfully. Good luck!

we have my son's (26 months) bed in our room. way easier and he has developed good sleeping habits. eventually he will move out, but for now he goes to sleep 1-2 hours before we do and waking up 2-4 hours after us. its not affecting our relationship. he's happier being close. we are happier knowing we can hear him. its a comfort.

I always liked the "rewarding good behavior" over the "punishing bad behavior" aspect of discipline. In this case, you could make a little chart with the nighttime routine on it (pictures instead of words since she can't read) and let her put a sticker or checkmark after each one is completed. And the last one is going to bed and staying there. This one should definately be a special sticker or special glittery checkmark that she gets the next morning if she stays in her bed all night. And everytime she accumulates, say, three stickers, she can open a little prize (and I mean little - a dollar store sort of prize) as incentive. If she doesn't stay in bed, there's no punishment, because she could legitimately have a nightmare or something. But good behavior gets a reward. (After awhile you can rewrap the already opened prizes. Honestly, it's the opening they're excited about; they could care less what's in it.) Or alternately, the prize could be a bowl of ice cream or trip to the roller rink, just whatever would make her day.

Dear A.

I prayed aprayer .
That Our Heavenly Father.
Would send a Angel to her side.
That she in her little spirit will feel
comfort and peace to have her blessed sleep.
In Jesus Holy Name Amen

My middle child had the same problem. He wanted us to lay with him and then I would eventually sit on the floor near his bed and then eventually out in the hallway where my feet would stick in the room and he could see them. When my third was born I decided that I was not going through that any more. My middle son was four and we used the SuperNanny approach. Put them in bed, say goodnight and hugs and kisses and then leave. When they get out of the bed, do not talk to them but to say, you are going to bed and put them back in the bed. When they get out a third time, don't say a word, just put them in the bed and leave. Continue until they fall asleep. It might take 1 hour and 45 minutes the first night like it did me, but the second night was 30 minutes and the third night, he went straight to sleep. It may take you longer, but it works. I stood outside their door and when they got up and walked out of the room, I grabbed their hand and took them back to bed. LIke I said it was exhausting the first night, but stick with it. We also did that with my youngest child and now he is our best sleeper. A little word about the TV, my girlfriend had a sleep study done and they told her that watching TV one hour before bed is not good for anyone. Your mind will not relax like it should. I have refused to put TVs in my kids rooms even though my oldest is 11 and thinks she should have one, I will not separate the family that way! Good luck!

Hi A.,

This is such a tough issue and so many differing opinions on it. I have 3 kids and each has been different, but you can be sure we've been through our fair share of bedtime struggles. Here's the bottom line: Every family is different and you have to do what works for YOUR family. Read through all the responses on here and think about them, then see what you can take and make work for you. There is no one "right" way or "magic solution". I do not believe in letting a child cry in the dark, for any reason. Some can - it just depends on what your tolerance is. But I know in my heart, that if I let my child cry alone in the dark, and something happened (we were in a car wreck or some other tragedy), and my child was lost to me forever, I would regret every second I ever let them cry alone in the dark. This may seem dramatic, but that's how it is for me. Others don't see it that way.

You may have to find other ways to work in that "alone" time with your husband. I agree that starting a bedtime with tv or movie is probably not the best idea. Bath, low lights, and things like that are better. If you know that you are going to have to spend a considerable amount of time getting her to sleep, start it early enough so that you will have some time together before she wakes up later on. My youngest is 3 and I still rock him to sleep every night - and I know that I won't be doing this when he's in the 6th or even the 3rd grade, so I'm ok with it. He also comes in our bed about half-way through the night most nights. It is disruptive for my husband and me, but again, it won't last forever, and if I force him to stay in his room and "cry it out" then none of us gets any sleep. So again, you have to make the decision on what's best for everyone in your house to get a good night's rest. Good luck!

John Rosemong has a wonderful book called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific, which you can find on amazon or on his website (rosemond.com), or maybe in the library. He talks a lot about this issue, and he's really the only parenting author that makes any sense and has research and tried and true practices to back up what he says. This is a problem you've created to some degree, but don't beat yourself up for it. You'll just have to do what you have to do to get control of the situation and put your marriage back in the center of the family, instead of her.

Entrenched problems like the one you are describing need more than a paragraph from well meaning mommies on a website. I would encourage you to buy a couple sleep books and develop a strategy. I have enjoyed The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg, and also The No Cry Slpeep Solutution by Elizabeth Pantley.

We would let our little ones lay down with one of us or let them snuggle up to one of us on the couch and then gently move them to their own beds when they fell asleep. It was easier than the battle to get them to fall asleep in their own room. My children are 19, 17, 12, and 4. Eventually all of your children will go to sleep on their own. It just takes a little while for little ones to feel secure without you close to them.

Be a little mean. Make threats and follow through. She's pushing your buttons and you have to set limits.

Say confidently "No, go to bed, you'll be fine".

or

Say "If you get up again I'm going to

pick one. "Turn out your nightlight" or "Put you in time-out" or "Take away your favorite thing" or something else that works.

Also, it's not a good idea to watch t.v. before bed.

Hi A.,

You're probably not going to like this, but sounds like she is a little spoiled... rubbing the back? I mean come on!

I hate letting any kid cry. It just makes me cringe!! But, you have gone past the window (well almost) of her learning the boundaries with mommy and daddy. As early as 5 months they understand routines and definitely after one start testing how much they can get away with. She has learned she gets a back message if she cries enough. So, as for a solution, again I hate to say it, but she may need to just hear no and see the door close after you. I would say go in after every 5 minutes or gradually 10 to make sure she is okay and say, "mommy loves you, but you must sleep by yourself in your own bed. See you in the morning." nothing more and walk away. She's not going to like it, but you have set up a bad situation. Just think if you keep this up how many more years it will last.

Sorry to be blunt, being a parent is the hardest thing ever, we are all just learning as we go. Every kid is different and you know her best, but this is my take on it.

Blessings to you tonight,
Amanda

I would try some of the sleep cd's or something like that. Target has some that are very good. Also try some type of room/pillow spray that has lavender and/or cammomile. Both are very relaxing scents and may help. She may also be picking up on your frustration which makes her more anxious. Picture her going to bed as you would like her to and that may help.