Behavior Modificatioon

Just thought I'd add that it is not to early to do a behavior mod chart as long as it is simple. Pick something he likes and make a chart based on it. Then try to catch him being good and letting him put stickers on the chart whenever you do. It's actually behavior mod for both of you - for him for being good, for you for giving praise. I liked one that looked like a racecar track with car stickers. Once he makes it all the way around he gets some kind of reward. Good luck.

Hello J.,

I have 3 boys 13, 9 and 3. What has always worked for me was time outs. I give 3 strikes and then their out! I warn them on the second strike what will happen if they continue. Then when they get to 3 I put them in the spot and tell them why they are there and for how long..go by age 3 yrs 3mins etc. When he trys to get up and he will calmly set him back and dont say anything to him. Keep doing it until he stays....I know its a pain but once he realizes you arent going to give in to him next time it will be easier. Works for me. I think its just the age too. Good luck to you!!

Hi J.,

I am so touched by your bio, about having twins with one in heaven - I'm thankful you believe in Heaven and am certain you've been teaching your son where his brother is! Good job!

When our first two kids were your son's age, someone recommended the books and cassettes, "Love and Logic Parenting" by Jim Faye and Foster Kline. You'll find them on the web. They encourage parents to teach children the consequences for their actions, from preschooler age up to teenagers. Their stories are funny, too.

I also read a lot of Dr. James Dobson's material and learned how kids actually enjoy getting angry reactions from their parents, as it somehow makes the disobedient kid feel like he/she is in control. Once I learned this, it seemed I was always seeing a kid controlling his/her parent in a grocery store, or wherever else, and the parent ended up being very embarrassed and giving into the child, which just fueled the child's bad behavior. Very recently, my husband and I took our kids to a museum and our 4 1/2 year old daughter cried and cried because we wouldn't buy her a stuffed animal. But we did not give in to her, and even though we were embarrassed, we got through it.

Putting what I read into action has worked, but of course I still mess up. I just have to re-focus when the heat is on, but if I take the time to pray and think, God always tells me what to do.

Sincerely,
C. Phillips

He is at an age where behavior modification charts can work if you are consistant with them. chartjungle.com has some great charts for free!

Good luck!

Practicing good behavior should start from birth. The longer you wait, the worse the problems will be. We have to set limits for our children and keep them safe. They do not know any better if we don't. We also have to set a schedule for them. Same time for everything everyday. Same bed time everyday, same
dinner time, nap time, lunch breakfast... Good luck and best wishes.

HI-
I am a mother of 4 and two are a set of twins. I dealt with discipline as early as the age of two. They understand early on with what goes on. The later you start, the harder it is. If advice is needed-I recommend, watching supernanny and nanny911 so you can actually "see" how it is done. You will find the same resolutions in books as well. I will tell you from past experience as a daycare worker and -watching Supernanny-she adheres closely to the routines that are held at your local daycares as far as disciplines are concerned.
As far as mine--I have even what I call "babyjail" which is their crib, since they are now in big beds. When they scream--hit, whatever the condition that is not permittable I ask them--do you want to go to "babyjail"?-and use this term lovingly not as harsh as it may sound. and walk them to it and place them in it. I walk away for less than two min or at least until they stop crying and return to ask them whether they are ready to rejoin. Don't mind if the other follows-they are learning by actions. If one acts out-this is where they go. My second choice is time out- and this is for 30 sec. to a min. base on age. The older- the longer by a min.
It will be tough at first but once they get a hang of the rules, the better off you are. Don't worry if they are not communicating with you the way you want them to. They understand ACTIONS! IF the latest Nannyshows are not available on TV, you can rent them free at the library or rent them from your video store.

Mom of 4. Good luck.

never too early to let them know what's acceptable and what's not. I wouldn't work with a chart yet, tell him that he shouldn't kick Mommy ( or anyone), it hurt, and teaching him that throwing tantrums isn't acceptable. Tell him when he calms down you will listen to him.

Hi J.! At 3 I started to notice the same about my son and began my quest for help. I've sometimes called my son, now 5, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I know it sounds terrible but my son is such a charming, sweet, intelligent boy but that could change within minutes to temper tantrums and, as you said, difficulty regulating his emotions. He also had some difficulty with Sensory Processing Disorder (Auditory Sensitivity). After lots of therapy, books and searching, we finally got an appointment with the chief of behavioral health at DuPont and his associate. They were wonderful and gave him VERY thorough testing. What they found is that he has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and possiblly ADHD (inattentive type). Since then, my husband and I have tried to calm things down in our house and we started a behavior chart which is working wonderfully. I definitely do not think 4 is too early to start. You should also look into his diet - many kids are allergic to things like food dyes and milk and that affects their behavior. The Feingold diet is a great one to try! Trying to get an eval at CHOP or DuPont takes a long time so in the meantime, I highly recommend finding a good child psychologist to help your family. Good luck!

The sooner the better to start the behavior modification. It is 'easier' to change while he is young, than when he becomes a teen or an adult. It is so good that you recognize the need for this, instead of brushing it under the rug or giving your child whatever it is they want just to shut him up (many parents do).
One of my children when she was 2-4 years old, she used to screem at the top of her lungs when she did not get what she wanted in the middle of the store, many times I just had to leave whatever it was I had in the cart and leave the store immediately to take her home. It took only a few times before she realized in addition to being told, that if she screemed she would not get the privilage to go to the store. She would get a babysitter, when her other siblings got to go to the store.
Your son should not be too young for a simple chart to show progress. Alot of us moms use charts for potty training and some rewards used in behavioral theropy, so it should not be different and he should be able to understand the concept. Rewards for good behavior and loss of privilage or 'time out' for not good behavior, depending on the behavior. You know your son and the chart should be at a level he understands/etc.
You are a very good mom for wanting to do this and want the best for your son. :)

Hi J.!
My daughter is only 14 months.....and her temper flares often!
I watch 4 other children and get to see so many different moods! But with my daughter (a fiery red head), I found if I put her in a confined space, away from toys and other children she responds quickly. She doesn't want to be bored so usually when I let her back in with me again, she has changed her tune.....for the first 2 days she would have a tantrum about 3 times in a row. After that....she's been amazingly much better.
The 5 yr old boy on the other hand....charts work wonders! He just about dies when he doesn't get a 100% sticker at the end of the day! Amazing what motivates them! When he has a full week of stickers....I let him pick the snack for Friday!
Never seen a kid so happy to be good! (there are still bad days....but the good one's help you keep your sanity!
Hope it helps a bit and best wishes!
S. B

Hi J.!
This is such a tough problem, but one that definitely has solutions. I believe that your son is not too young for behavior modification (if you are talking about the kind WITHOUT corporal punishment, which just makes things worse...if you would like me to explain why feel free to email me!) I'm sure you've been doing some positive reinforcement up until this point.
Let me recommend a book which I do to all parents who are struggling with this issue:
"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber. It is hands down the BEST book on dealing with tantrums, behavior issues, everything that has to so with kids age 3-11. There is also a teen version. This book is MAGICAL! You will see results immediately!!! My mom used it with her pre-school class and liked it so much she bought 20 copies for friends and family! You could probably get it cheap on Amazon or Ebay. I used it with my son and he never had a tantrum since (or any other behavior problems..he is now 15 and a great "problem-free" teenager).
It is also a very easy read...even has a few cartoon illustrations of scenarios. :)
Good Luck!!!!

Hi J.,
If your son is having temper tantrums, you might want to consider that he may be trying to get your attention and in that case, not giving him attention when he does that might help decrease the tantrums. You could also give him positive recognition when he is cooperating well. He is not too young for a behavior modification chart if it is kept simple and you are consistent with the expectations and reinforcements. Good luck!! N.

Yes, I think it's too early.
My son, now 6, was an emotional handful. About 6 months ago I decided to pour love on him in every way I could think of. I gave him kisses, hugs, lots of time in my lap, I snuggled him at night, made special foods for him, whispered loving thoughts into his ear, wrestled with him, played his favorite games, even let him watch tv sometimes (THAT made him happy!) On and on, day after day, I practiced giving him all the love I had, and now- he is so so different. He is more patient with his younger brother, he can handle frustrations easier, he starts to get upset and then decides not to- it's been an amazing change. I highly recommend it.
He still has tantrums now and again, but I don't get upset at him anymore, I just wait it out, and then offer to hold him when he's done, so he can tell me what was so upsetting. He calms down pretty wuickly and we usually end of laughing together. I try to beloving and fun with him, and he seems more secure and more centered. Phew!
Maybe this would work for your guy too.
Good luck, C.

It is never to young to start with a behavior mod chart. A simple sticker chart will work for a 4 year old. Even creating break cards to give him when he is having a temper tantrum will help calm him down.

Hi,
My name is B. Davis and I am a teacher and a Child and Family Coach. First of all PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THE WOMEN WHO TOLD YOU TO HIT YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY HAVE TANTRUMS. PLEASE!!!!!! Hitting is NOT the answer. Children need to learn how to have their feelings in appropriate ways, and your child just has not mastered that skill. (By the way, I know many grown ups still workin on this skill) Let your child have the tantrum but you need to walk away. Let your child see that tantrums will not work in your house. When your child is finished with their tantrum talk to them. Tell them that is it alright to be mad, sad, disappointed but yelling is not ok. Try to have them talk it out at that point. Come up with appropriate ways to be angry....Go to a quiet place, draw a picture, jump up and down.... do not give in to the tantrums. Also remember your child cannot hear you in the midst of a tantrum. It is hard to hear your child cry but they are going to be alright. Be strong and remember you are helping your child learn.

Hello J.!

I taught elementary vocal music for 6 years in the public school system, and I often saw kindergarteners with behavior modification charts. It worked well for them. I also have a friend who uses a star chart with her 2 and a half year old, and it really works -- her daughter is really working to get those stars! So no, I don't think he's too young for a behavior modification chart.

I think a reward chart with star stickers for good behavior would be a very appropriate way to go at first. Give your son a goal to work for, and when he gets his star chart filled for good behavior, he gets a reward. When you see him starting to lose control, remind him how he needs to behave to earn his star, and give him alternative strategies to express his anger, like coloring how he feels on a piece of paper -- he could select a red crayon if he's really angry and then draw a scribbly picture to express his emotions, and so on.

If the positive chart alone doesn't work, you could also create a chart with sticks that could be removed if he throws a tantrum, but I would definitely start with one that's all positive. Give it a couple of weeks before you decide if it doesn't work, and be very consistent, and hopefully he'll start to gain greater control over his emotions.

Good luck -- I hope this was helpful!

Smiles, J. :)

Dear Jenn,

I have a four year old son and when he acts up we have him sit on the bottom step of the stairs in time-out. He doesn't like it and complains and cries, but we tell him until he is quiet for one minute he can't get up. He is better when he gets out, I feel time-outs help them almost forget why they were acting up in the first place. Good luck and best wishes....E.

Hi J.,

I just started a chart with my 3 1/2 year old daughter a few months ago. My first chart was a little too complicated and overwhelming - she's a little stubborn and strong-willed so it was hard to choose what to work on first :) I started off with something like ten behaviors to work on. I gradually modified it to three behaviors for which she can earn a sticker. I keep a chart on our fridge with numbers 1-5 and whenever she reaches five I give her a treat from the dollar store or a special sweet like a pack of fruit snacks.

It took her a little while to get the hang of the it but now she gets pretty excited for the sticker and prize. It doesn't always work. Sometimes in the heat of the moment she could care less about a sticker but over time we've seen improvement in her behavior and I'm really glad we did it. It gives her something to be proud of too. Hope it works out for you!

K.

He is definately not too young to start. But I know from my sister, you have to let them have the tantrums and give them NO attention. They will learn very quickly that that behavior is not acceptable and is getting them nowhere and they will stop. The more attention he gets from you when he is throwing fits, the more he will continue to do it.