What Kind of Reward Chart to Use?

I suggest you find some Love and Logic classes to take. They can be offered through the local elementary school, the local mental health facility, etc....lots of places do offer then.

These classes will help you come up with logical consequences for her actions and teach her how "her" choices caused this consequence. For instance, if you tell a child to put their shoes on because the ground is hot but they refuse. Do you wrestle the child to the ground and put their shoes on them? or do you Pick them up and carry them to just avoid another fight? or do you let them experience warm concrete that may show them what the shoes are protecting them from?

Of course you don't want them to have feet covered with blisters from walking across Walmart's parking lot on a 113 degree day but you can find concrete that isn't quite so hot that it will actually cause physical damage but will allow them to be uncomfortable enough to learn their choice is not the right one.

From that point on when you say "Put your shoes on, they ground is hot" they will have an actual reference to associate that to and know it is not comfortable to go barefoot on the hot ground. They have learned something important from their choices that helps them learn to make better choices.

"You" didn't punish them, you allowed "them" to make a choice while keeping them basically safe that taught them something.

I love the classes and have taken them a couple of times now. I think it has helped me to be firm in some areas where I wasn't before.

My daughter told a therapist that at least 80% of the time she could get anything she wanted out of me by either having a non ending temper tantrum or by bugging me when I was trying to do something important.

For example, she would not want to go to bed and I would be studying for a test the next day, she would just keep bugging me and bugging me until I would give her anything to just get her to leave me alone so I could study.

Now I would do it differently and just allow her to have whatever temper tantrum she wanted and perhaps put in some ear plugs and go ahead and study. Then that next morning she would have to get up a bit earlier so she would have time to wake up and eat before school. She would be much more tired the next day and eventually she would go to bed on time and fall asleep.

Allowing natural consequences is sometimes hard on the parent because they feel they are supposed to protect their child. But letting them have an experience that will teach them something while within the bounds of actual safety they will learn much much better and it will be their learning experience, not the parent telling them what might happen.

Why on earth would you tell her that 2 "fits" (TANTRUMS) are okay? She is four and capable of behaving better. You need a zero tolerance policy. It's never okay to throw a tantrum because you're not getting your way. I would not reward her for having a tantrum or two a day. I never used charts when I had tiny tots, but if I did, mine would say Tantrum = 1 swat. And to be clear, I was not a frequent hitter.

Honestly, I would never reward my kids for behaving the way I expect them to. When my kids first began with the temper tantrums, I would tell them that they were free to have a melt down in the privacy of their room. I picked them up, placed them in their room, told them that when they were calm they could come out, then I closed the door and walked away. Both of my kids only had 2 or 3 tantrums and that was it. Anytime they are about to have a "moment' I simply ask, do you need to go to your room? It stops right there.

Unless your child is going to hurt herself, you should never give any attention, positive or negative to a tantrum. Teach your child that you don't pay any attention to that, but also, give her lots of healthy attention when she is behaving.

Dinner, she throws a tantrum. Let her go to her room until she is calm, then tell her you are not making anything else, it is her choice whether she wants to eat or be hungry. You can even tell her that the thought of her being hungry makes you sad and that you hope she makes the right choice.

When you take her out somewhere and she is behaving well, you always want to mention that you are so proud of her good behavior. Give her lots of positive attention and positive comments when she is doing well. She will quickly learn that she prefers positive to being ignored.

Also, I know you are saying you don't want to squash her "natural passion", but this can also hinder her in the workplace. Maybe one day she will lead a company as a CEO or perhaps she will get fired constantly from challenging all of her bosses. There is a fine line, be careful.

On a final note, to me a reward, dessert, toy, etc really needs to be earned. My daughter gets rewarded with each straight A report card (she's going into 2nd grade) and that is pretty much it. My son, (4 yrs) sees her get rewarded and he gets nothing. It does not bother him at all. I tell him that when he gets report cards, he will have the same opportunity. He never complains about this. He talks about when he goes to his sister's school and gets good grades, he'll pick out xyz toy. It's something to look forward to and he understands that he doesn't get something for no reason.

Good Luck to you.

All the evidence shows that rewards and punishments don't work. Some call rewards poisons, because they destroy internal motivation. Kid's whose parents use rewards to motivated their kids in school, for instance, to get them to do homework, get better grades, etc. actually do worse in school.

I've found that speaking respectfully and with explanations works great. "Please do not touch that, it is very fragile and expensive, and it might get broken."

I highly recommend reading stuff by psychologist in the "how to talk so your child will listen" family of books. There are a lot of them. It's all about using nonviolent, respectful communication, and working with them to solve their own problems.

With that said, it sounds like your daughter is engaging in some perfectly normal 4 year old behavior. It helps me to look at her as a teenager, wanting to break free and do her own thing.

We have some simple rules in this house: we don't speak whinese, if you can't use a normal voice, you can go lay down until you feel rested enough. Fake crying gets gets you nothing, I ask my daughter for other strategies to get what she wants.

My 4 year old is super selective. She was throwing fits like yours a few months back, and I posted about it. It was terrible at breakfast time. What eventually worked was holding my ground, but in a compassionate, positive way: i'm so sorry you changed your mind, but mommy doesn't have time to cook you another breakfast. Making choices can be so hard. I'm sorry you don't want this." Then, when she's calm, "It's your choice, you can either eat this or wait till lunch for more food." The natural consequence of not eating what she picked was going hungry. Gamma G is right here. It's all about encouraging their autonomy, and giving them reasons to help them make choices. If they decided to make a poor choice, they have to live with the consequence.

But mostly, 4 year olds are hard. They like to test and throw themselves on the ground over everything. I've found just being consistent helps a lot.

I didn't read the other answers but I just used a calendar on the play room door. If my son did what he was supposed to for that day, he got a sticker on the calendar. After 10 stickers (not ten days necessarily) he got a special treat. I sort of let my son's behavior get out of hand too.

Good luck! Your daughter sounds like my son and he's not always easy but the older he gets the easier it gets.

My kids didn't respond to reward charts at that age, so I did some tweeking and found what did work chart wise. So have your plan, then make adjustments if you need. My kids responded to rewards that coincided with that day... then a longterm reward for the week, then one for the end of the month.

I basically made a monthly chart, that basically looked like a calander. They got an x if they were bad overall that day, so major tantrum or whatever means an x. If they weren't that great, but they made up for it, then they could erase the x and get a star sticker, if they were really awesome, they got a cool sticker on the chart. At the end of the day, they got a sticker, or a stamp or something a silly band, they could watch a movie before bedtime or something like that for good behavior. Every now and then it would be a treat, like ice cream.

At the end of the week, if they got mostly good stars, they got a treat, we take them out for ice cream or a movie or to go swimming or something. If it was mostly x's, than no treat.

At the end of the month, same thing, they got a bigger reward, like they get to go to the store and spend $5 on a toy car or go to Chuck-e-Cheese or something.

Dr. Sears is a childhood expert and has some GREAT discipline advice for these kinds of fits though:

http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...

Here is a behavior "Punch card" i know a few of my daycare and preschool teacher friends have used for some of their more active and challenging children in care. Sometimes its about finding a motivation or system or phrasing that clicks with the child. Natural consequences worked for my own child and many of my daycare children the last 2 decades, but others need something that is more like a game or contest to them. That competitive spirit in them can rise to the occasion!

Here is one idea...
http://whattheteacherwants.blogspot.com/2011/07/whats-bee...

Good luck!

With the whining, I just told them to say it again because I don't speak whinese (whine ease). That worked great for all three of them! We do poker chips in a jar (different color for each kid) because they can see them in the jar and hear it go in. You can also take them out if they misbehave. We wait until each child has ten in there so they encourage each other's behavior. When they have all them in, they get to pick a paper that has rewards on it (go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt, go to Denny's, etc.). As for natural curiosity, don't just say 'don't touch' but say 'don't touch because...' ; that gives them a chance to respond while thinking about the consequences. Good luck!