Best for the Kids vs Bad Mom

You are NOT a horrible mom!! (Who would say that to you?) If you all are in agreement about this, that's great! Why on earth would you "fight" for custody, disrupt everyone, etc., when it sounds like you, your ex, and the kids are all OK with the situation? The less conflict and disruption, the better! You are still involved in your kids lives and you are there for them. They know you love them. Don't listen to those silly people. I think you are dong the right thing. ((hugs))

You are a great mom - you are putting your children first. You work 2nd shift. You are only there when they are asleep. You are basically keeping them on the same schedule and giving them the same amount of time as you did before. God, I wish all parents were like you and your husband. My parents divorced, and they pulled us out of school when I was in 6th grade, right in the middle of the year. Mom got divorced AGAIN and pulled me out of 10th grade a couple of months into the year.

And how can "fighting" over who gets the kids be good? That just F's them over.

You don't have to "fight for them" - they are yours. They are both of yours. How is tearing them out of their lives being a "good" parent? You are co-parenting them. It's called shared custody. If the situations were reversed, would these busybodies be saying he was a "horrible dad"? Probably not, because it's a more "typical" custody-wise.

YOU ARE FREAKING AWESOME. Keep communication open with the kids, and keep coparenting with your husband. See if you can do SKYPE online with them - video phone calls. It's FREE. PM me if you need more info or support.

These aren't little kids, right?
Sounds like they're old enough to speak up AND be unsupervised at your place during the summer.
I'd tend to think smaller kids need their moms close by, physically and emotionally. Your kids are older and what you're describing sounds like shared custody, time wise.
You seem to have worked our whats best for ALL of you amicably.

Right, it's like if a dad cooks a burger people are like "Wow!!! What a great dad! He feeds his kids!" Lol. Ignore that talk!

Screw 'em. Your kids will come out better in the end, no thanks to the small minded people giving their "opinion." These people telling you this, should have no place in your life. You are putting your kids first, and THAT is what a good mom is.

No, I think you are a fantastic mom for putting your kids' needs first. It may not be the typical scenario, but that matters not. It's so great to hear of exes getting along and making it work for the best of the family unit. So kudos to you and brush off those who can't understand. My feeling is they probably wouldn't understand a stay-at-home dad scenario, either.

Look at it this way, one of you has to be the 'non-primary' parent. While Moms usually are the ones that are primary, it isn't always the case.

Actually, I think you are a great Mom for putting your kids first.
Having a Jr. in HS switch schools is very difficult and can mess with his chances at scholarships and such. He is 'vested' in his friends. Add that to your work schedule, and it is for the best.

you have them three nights a week. its not like you have them every other weekend and party all weekend you have them. in fact you're giving up any personal life by having them EVERY weekend and not having the break your ex has when he has every weekend free.

In certain scenarios i think any parent moving away from little kids is crappy but it sounds like they arent toddlers anymore and you also have them every weekend. thats a big diference than what most non primary parents have them.
my ex is very involved and has emmy 3 nights a week but its split through the week...noone thinks he's crappy...i say theres J. a bad stigma attached to moms who are the non primary parent but you acted selfless in your decision.
by the way those moms who suggest fighting for full custody even though they have an active loving dad are crappy people. they are J. as much yours as his. some women are J. bitter and will spite the kids to look good
i think you put them first instead of your emostions! i think you did great

Hugs to you!!

You are doing the most non-selfish thing possible, and I am so sorry that your family is not supporting you the way they should. This is already a very hard decision for you, and then having to deal with that kind of negativity is just icing on the cake. Shame on them.

Stay strong momma.

Sometimes we must sacrifice our own happiness in order to give our children what they need. From my perspective, that's what you are doing in this situation. You have made the choice to prioritize your children's needs over your desire to be with them every night. They are in a safe loving home during the week and on the weekends. They get to stay rooted in their life while having a close relationship with both parents. That's pretty ideal, all things considered.

I am so sorry you are getting flack for this. Sexism rears it's ugly head, no? Sending hugs and strength. You sound like a solid mom.

It would be one thing if your ex was a jerk, but, as you said, he's a great father, and the kids are in a stable place. Try to ignore the naysayers. You and your ex have figured out a great arrangement for an unfortunate situation. Your kids will thrive because of your dedication to doing what is right for them.

You are a strong and wonderful mom. Kudos to you and your ex for doing right by the kids.

Follow your gut Mama! Keep talking to the kids about how this feels to them and you can't go wrong!

I completely and whole-heartedly believe you are doing the best thing. This is in the kids' best interests and anyone who says it's not is being selfish. I am so glad that you are really putting the best interersts of the kids ahead of your own desires. Who cares what other people think? What's important are the kids and I bet they are VERY happy not to have to change schools and probably look at you as a mom who really cares about their feelings. That's all that matters.

You sound thoughtful, not selfish. You are doing what you think is best for your kids. (Especially having them not switch schools.) Good for you.

You and your Ex seem fine about this.
And your kids.
So it is fine.
The problem is: that outsiders/the people who are looking at you about this situation.... cannot.... be unbiased and they are having a problem with the role reversal of it. ie: usually it is the "man" that is doing what you are doing. And it is the "woman" that has the kids.
They don't realize, that your kids, by staying where they are, this is the least up-rooting for them per schools and schedules and their life as they know it. And fortunately, your Ex is a loving father and you and he are not caustic and toxic with each other.
I assume, the arrangement is also fine with your kids? You spoke to them about it, being they are older, and they seem fine with it all?

You're doing what's best for your children.
IMHO, your reaction to other people is that you have guilt over all of this. I'm saying this b/c I can relate to it and I have those same feelings. It makes sense to have them at the home where there is a parent home when they are. You're staying involved and talk to them every day. If possible, maybe you could add another morning where you have breakfast with them before school and then drop them off - just a thought.

Divorce and custody is not easy, but you are doing what is best for them and to make their lives the most consistent. Good job!

Sounds to me like are putting the best interest of the kids ahead of your own desires, and that makes you a wonderful mother!

The school time is a great plan. It may get hard for the kids having to shift gears from one home to the next every other week but kids are resillient.

While this isn't the typical arrangement, don't trouble yourself over others not having to walk in your shoes.

You are both trying to put your kids first and that is great. It may work out better for one parent to keep the kids for x weeks over the summer and the other to keep the kids for an equal number of weeks in the summer. This way one parent gets to spend more time with the kids. Since you have a 17 year old it may be a great idea to discuss the plans with him but ultimately the final decision lies with you both as parents.

This is hard for you, him and them. Working together will help make this new arrangement a new kind of normal and also make the transition better for all.

I hope this helps. If any one has any negative thing to say to you. Kindly tell them that this matter isn't any of their business and you didn't ask for their opinions.

You're thinking about what's best for your kids first, that makes you a good mom. Just because you and your husband have decided to divorce doesn't mean that you have to uproot the kids and make them miserable. This works best for your family, and given you work second shift, really seems like the ideal solution.

The ones that say or imply you are a horrible mom are the same ones that implied my husband was lazy when they find out he stays home while I am working.
Or that he had it so hard when he stayed home with our triplets when they were born. He needed help, but of course I didn't.

A great PARENT does what is best for the kids. And it sounds like you will have the best thing if you and dad will still get along and can handle things well.

the plan makes sense to me.. you work when the kdis are out of school.. so why not let them stay with dad so they can have a parent with them.

You're doing the right thing. Great responses below.

So let me get this straight - there are folks close to you who are giving you a hard time because you are doing your level best to make sure that your kids' lives are not uprooted any more than necessary by your divorce? And you are trying to be responsible and independent and live within your means? And you are attempting to behave honorably toward your almost ex and acknowledge that he is a great dad and still has an important role to play in your children's lives?

Please don't listen to these people - you are doing what is right for your kids, which makes you a stellar mom. You are not "just" a weekend mom - you are acting in the best interest of your children 24/7. And if you've already explained to the critics and they are still harassing you, tell them it is none of their business. It's not their decision, it's yours.

I think that when people say this to you, tell them that they don't understand. Tell them that you get the best part of the deal because you would only see them in the mornings if they were with you during the week. This way, you have them full time on the weekends. You have MORE time with them on the weekends AND they get to stay in the same school. Tell them that having shared custody is not the same as giving up your kids and they need to think about what is best for the kids instead of making something out of the situation that it's NOT. If they keep it up, tell them that they are being sexist and that you don't appreciate it. And if it were MY mom who were talking like that to me? I'd tell her that if she says it again, you won't be having a conversation with her for a month. You need to come down HARD on your mother and tell her that she cannot continue to talk to you this way.

Your junior has a very important year coming up. Help him with his college choices, his college essay, even driving him to campuses if you can. This is a really important part of his life. Send emails during the week to keep up. It will be alright.

Please tell all these reasons to your family, and they will see that it makes sense as well. On the outside, everyone thinks that a mother who doesn't fight for custody of children is a bad mother. Somehow for the good or bad, kids are supposed to stay with mom and not the dad.
Your arrangement sounds good to M.. I really don't see any point in having the kids all week when you are never home in the evenings.You don't mention the reason for your separation with your husband, maybe your family has a problem with that? A lot of people think that a mom who puts her happiness (as in not staying married just for the kids) before her kids is a bad mom. And no matter what you do to give a normal upbringing for your kids, you will still be the bad mom. If you and hubby are happy with this arrangement and kids are doing great inspite of the divorce and getting quality time with both mom and dad, you are good.

I think you are being a loving and responsible mom by making sure you are putting your children and their interests first and making sure that such a huge decision such as divorce isn't anymore stressful for them than it already is/will be.

You are being a wonderful mother for working through this with your soon-to-be-ex and making sure everyone wins.

You get high kudos from me!

I could not do it but I applaud you and agree that it is okay to do what you plan.

If I accept what you've said here as fact, then you are being a perfect parent. There is an unfair stigma attached to women who do not have primary custody of their children. It might be hard to shake off, but there is no need for you to feel bad about it. You will likely need to toughen your skin, though, because it won't stop. Hopefully, you will not grow resentful as your STBX continues to receive the accolades while you get the wagging heads.

I have a friend who let her ex take over primary custody for a while. The men she dated enjoyed not having to deal with her kids full time, but they (maybe unintentionally?) held it against her, not taking her seriously as a potential partner. Be prepared for some of that.

Keep up the greatness!

When my parents divorced, they lived an hour apart due to jobs. We lived with our mother but seeing our dad was not a hardship. It isn't that much of a distance.

People are used to mothers having primary physical custody. Even if you lived in the same town but the kids physically lived with their dad, they would still give you a hard time for not fitting their concept of social norms.

Nothing you've said in your post sounds 'bad mom' to me.