Does Anyone Understand?!

It's rare for the mom to give up custody, and you are probably going to face judgment. That's just the reality of it. As long as you see them a lot, it sounds like the best decision.

See them a lot, though -- an old roommate of mine had a son who lived with his father, and she only saw him a handful of times throughout the year. He's now an adult and doesn't speak to her.

What a total selfless act on your part. You put your children’s happiness before your own. By allowing them to maintain some normalcy after you separated by having them live with their father just goes to show what an amazing Mom you are.

Tell your Mom or anyone else, that you refuse to completely disrupt your children’s lives by taking full custody and away from their Dad. Joint custody works and if you and your ex remain amicable, your children will be fine.

Keep working together with your ex and tell everyone else to mind their own business =-)

I have NOT been in your position, just so you know where this is coming from. But that sounds totally reasonable and one of the kindest decisions I have heard. If you and your ex can make that arrangement work for you and the kids, he is a good father, you are a good mother, and they get to see both of you and not deal with the courts and fights, you are a wonderful mother!

Your duty as a mom is to make sure that your children have a safe, stable, loving home. It sounds like you have done that. Fathers can be wonderful parents, and it sounds to me like you were not only responsible when you left their father, but you were very mature to see that your children's lives did not need to be dramatically upset in order to keep them away from a perfectly good parent. Too many divorces and separations are all about mom and dad trying to "get" the kids, "buy" their love, or keep them from the other. It sounds to me like you have a wonderful arrangement with your former partner, and so you need to do what you feel is right for your babies, without any regard for what your mother has to say. Good for you, and good luck.

I can't imagine being in your shoes. I can't imagine (for my own being) not being with my kids as often as possible. For you to make the selfless act that you are and dealing with the incredible pain that you must be, wow. You do what works for your boys. If it doesn't work for them, don't do it. I am sending prayers your way.

I dont understand where your coming from but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a good thing by working things out with your ex for your boys sake. How awesome are you for putting them first, if you and your ex think the "arrangement" is working well then you need to simply tell your mom and you dont plan on changing anything now but will reevaluate in the future.

You are a QUEEN for thinking of your children's peace of mind. As a child of multiple divorces, it makes me so happy to hear a parent THINKING about how their actions affect their children. I just want to give you a great, big hug. Joint custody is the way to go. If you are in the same school district, things may shift over time where the time can be shared. Just be in their lives as much as you can and keep doing what you're doing to co-parent your children. Tell your mom that he may not be your husband, but he is still their father, and you're not going to shift them around to make her happy.

D., about 5 years ago I could have been your mother. My daughter and her husband separated and divorced. It was pretty much exactly the same as your description above. I was outraged. Thought the kids should be with her. offered to help her with them. But they were her kids. they have been separated for almost 6 years. the kids are happy and well adjusted. They go between the 2 houses and things run pretty smoothly. I am still occasionally completely in shock that she "allowed" him to take her kids. But then when I stop and really look he didn't take them. they just share them. if all couples who divorce could do this without all the trauma and drama the world would be a better place. Good for you for standing up about what is best for your children and not letting someone else get in the middle

In one paragraph, it seems like a lot of fellow moms understand where you are coming from. You are a great example of how parenting should be- you are putting the stability and happiness of your children above your own wants. You didn't have a single negative thing to say about their dad to a group of strangers, which tells us that you'd never negate him in front of them. Having been through the custody battles myself, both as a child and as an adult, I can tell you that you are doing a big favor to your boys by not exposing them to that. We would probably have a lot fewer people with problems if more parents could make the choice to be as selfless as you have been. Your boys will realize someday how much drama and anger you kept them from, and will love you both more for it. Good for you for continuing to stick with your convictions of keeping your kids first and not buckling to what other people think you should do to "prove" you love your kids.

.

In so many separations and divorces, the parents put themselves and their needs above the children's. You are thinking about their feelings and emotions first, which is the way it should be! More parents need to do just that. I'm so glad your kids are happy and thriving!

I certainly do! When I divorced, my boys were about the same ages. And I did the same thing! I knew there was no way of taking care of my kids like I wanted to so letting them stay with their dad was the only alternative. Having two loving parents who aren't at each others throats is waaaay better than duking it out in front of the children. Tell your mother that you are a grown up and can handle your own children. While fighting it out might be her way, it doesn't have to be yours. After 8 years of joint custody, my boys know what they want and they know we both love them. I actually moved to another state and although it was a difficult decision, I let the boys stay with their dad again, agreeing to summers and holidays. But my oldest asked to move in with me! You see, it isn't about where they live, it's about how you dedicate your time to them.. Quality, not quantity!! I've certainly been in positions where quality had to override. Take care and good luck.

You need to decide what is best for you and your family. And if joint custody is best, then do that, no matter what your mom says or pressures you on --and if your kids' dad is a good dad, it sure sounds like the right way to go.

However, I would suggest that you do get a lawyer and get things firmed up in court. That way, if something happens later that someone changes their mind about whose supposed to be doing what and how often the kids are where, it's all in writing and is formalized. This protects you, it protects the kids, and it protects the dad, too.

Why does it need to be black or white? If he's a good dad and you're a good mom and you live in reasonable proximity to each other, why can't you have self-agreed joint custody? 50/50?
Men have been walking away from children for centuries and judgment in this society is swift and harsh against mothers that give up their kids.

It is good that you are focused on what is best for them, and the fact that they are happy. I think some people judge because you are mom (not that this is right). For some reason it is easier for our society to accept a dad walking away, but not a mom. We often assume that if a mom does not have custody she is somehow not fit. This is not right, it just is. Try not to let it get to you and keep your focus on what is making those kids happy.

Blessed Be

Its the old attitude that kids have to stay with mom. If it works for your family that they stay with dad and everyone is happy so be it. Tell others to but out. YOu are doing your mom duties by making sure they are in safe hands, have a great father, well provided for and are not working to pay a daycare to raise them instead.

Tell your mom to butt out.
Why would a loving parent traumatize their children, you have set it nicely for your children, and your mom should mind her own business.
She is not the mom here she is the grandma, and really you need to handle her to stay out of this.
Well done for setting this up for the benefit of your children, don't let anyone mess that up. I think you are sooooo correct.
best, k

If you are both good parents and can maintain a civil relationship with your ex...Then joint custody is a win/win. Good for you that are and your ex are going thru this and still keeping your children as the focus. THAT is how you show your love for them. Not with a piece of custody paper that shows one parent loves them 80% and another loves them 20%.

yea and leave it be. if they are happy and the arrangement is working out why mess with it. mom needs to get over herself

I can understand where exactly where you are coming from. When I left my exhusband I was initially awarded physical custody. After about a year I realized he was having a hard time with the divorce and decided that the best thing for him was to live with his father.

Don't worry about what others think it is about what you think and what works for you and your ex. If this arrangement works for the two of you and your children are thriving there is no reason to upset that!

Good luck!

S.

I was really glad to see all of the supportive answers you recieved! My sister and I were both raised by my father after divorce and it was definatly the best thing for everybody. Best of luck to you and your family!

I can understand. I separated a few times from my first husband and rather than rip the boys out of their home they had the option to stay there or with me. My oldest always preferred staying with me, my younger preferred Dad's. I was always the one that moved out when things got too crazy for me, it would have been stupid to have my husband move since all of his tools and things he needed for work were in the garage. I used logic rather than emotions to make the decisions. The kids didnt go thru tons of mama drama.... and I never had to worry about a court fight and all the wasted money going to lawyers and such. I knew he wasnt going to cut and run with the kids and I was only a mile or two away and the brothers still saw each other all the time and went to school together. It's not easy by any means and yes other mothers will say "I cant imagine being separated from my child"..... those are the ones that have the trauma divorces and stress out their kids. My ex and I got along fine about the kids, we didnt like each other tho and never put the kids in the middle of our emotional problems, which is the way it should be. I know that isnt possible for everyone, but I do want you to know "I get it". Good luck with it, it's not easy.

Although I also don't understand how, as a mom, you can bear to be away from your children even for a day, I also don't necessarily agree with your mom that you need to file for FULL custody. I do, however, think it would be wise to ensure what you have filed with the courts will ensure that you will continue to get joint custody OR will even get full custody in the event that a life changing event happens to your ex, such as he gets married, on drugs, moves, leaves the country, loses his job, his life, etc. etc. Just be sure you are covered so that a situation will never arise where you are not allowed or given the opportunity to see them as often as you like. I could not imagine ever being without my son and most definitely would not ever find myself in a situation where someone else might have more control and/or just opportunity to ever keep him from me. So I am just saying ... don't be naive, make sure you protect your joint custody rights as their mother at all times.

People like to judge. If you were a man you would be father of the year. Tell your mom don’t be sexist lol. Now that you have a place you can start to work towards a more 50/50 arrangement. They have been through enough why would you want to take away there constant and there home.

I think you did the ABSOLUTE right thing for your boys :) You weren't being petty or malicious or try to 'stick it' to you ex by keeping his kids from him (which I know TOO many women that do that). You're thinking of what's best for them, and THAT'S what makes you a great mom!

Oh my! If you did what your mother wants you to do, your (ex)husband would be so angry. The worst thing you could do for your kids is change what seems like a positive relationship with their father into a negative one.
You are absolutely right. Go with what you feel is right.

Not insisting on full custody of course doesn't mean you don't love your children. That's absurd. And it seems fair that you're not going to now fight your ex for full custody given he took care of the boys while you got your situation settled. It strikes me as incredibly unfair and ungrateful if you were to then sue him for full custody. I think you're looking at this the right way - the boys are happy, he's a good dad etc. I agree some legal agreement makes sense though but it can be for 50/50.

Anyone that can't understand you putting the needs and happiness of your children before your own, I would tell to go to hell. Making tough decisions is the hardest part of being a good mom and shows that you love your children and want what is best for them--not what is best for you or grandma. You did and are doing the right thing, I would distance yourself from anyone who can't see that.

I do understand, even though I'm still married to the father of my children. What you are doing, is no different that a father moving out, who still loves his kids and is always there for them. I would just make sure like some of the other mom's have said, that you cover your hieny and make sure that he can't leave the country, states..etc... and that you guys have everything planned out if one of you gets married etc.

Some people just think they are holyer than thou and if it's not their way, it's no way. As long as you and their dad have a good relationship, and can always see the kids when you want too, and come and get them when you want to, I said don't worry about what everyone else thinks!

I would like to think that if my hubs and I separated that if I could barely support myself, that I could leave them with him, in a place that was home to the kids, where they are loved, taken care of and have everything they've always had. That I would be making the right decision for them. Some people will never see it as making as sacrifice, only as you being selfish. Those types of people can't see outside the box! HUGS

You sound like you want whats best, This is not your moms place to decide squat.

If this situation works for you and your ex then why change it?!?!? It's not your mother's or anyone else place to make your decision. The kids have two loving parents and that's what's matters. When things change down the road then you both will go to court and make the needed changes. Why waste time and court fees/lawyer fees to make this change because someone else says so? Do what you and your ex have been and worry about change when and if you need to. The way I see it you both love your kids enough to do what makes them happy.

If I were in your situation, as hard as it would be for me to do, I'd do the exact same thing.

My parents divorced 18 years ago, when I was twenty and I WISH they had been so civilized about it. Family events are still torture because they don't respect each other as parents.

Don't worry about what anyone thinks. Putting your kids first is what a mom does. As long as you have joint custody and can cooperate with each other, it sounds perfect. My best friend and her ex separated when their son was an infant, and I've always admired how they work together--picking schools, sharing holidays, both going to the emergency room when needed. If you have to split, I say that's the way to do it.

But don't worry what anyone thinks!

My dear I UNDERSTAND, and I applaud you for making the difficult decision to have your babies be away from you, I think it takes a big and very unselfish person do what you did because in your heart you knew that it was what was best for them. With that said, don't pay any mind to what people have to say, you will find that in life everyone always has advice about everything...but ultimately as a parent you have the responsibility to do what is best for your little ones, even if it means making difficult decisions sometimes. You said that they are healthy, happy and are being well taken care of by their dad, and they get to see you as much as they want, which are the most important things. THEY know that you love them, and that is all that matters, you don't have a thing to prove to anyone else.

I understand. My aunt is in a similar situation. She had to leave the state to get away from an abusive situation, leaving her seven kids behind with the father. She is living with my mother and working to save money in hopes, that one day she can have a place of her own and the kids can stay with her sometimes. Share your plans with your mother and let her know things are stressful enough that you don't need anymore. Hopefully she will get the idea. Good luck.

Most people I know have joint custody unless one parent did something worth not having joint custody. If this is what you both agree with, then I think it's the best thing. Good for you for doing the right thing for your kids. I wish you the best!!

I completely understand the way you feel. my ex and i separated when our first son was 8 months old and i was pregnant with our second. It has been a hell of a ride for me..lol They are now 3 and 2. Yet lately I had a friend of mine mention to me that I should let the children go live with their father for a yr or so to go back to school. This way I can completely focus on my studies to better my family and get them back in a couple years to live with me again. Logically this makes sense. My mother however about had a duck! If my ex was a descent father I would deffinately do this, however, I just don"t think he is capable of taking care of them full time. One thing I have learned is that YOU do what YOU think is best for you and your children. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. If they want to think you are irresponsible thats their problem. You know the truth of the situation, and until they have walked a mile in YOUR shoes they need to keep their comments to themselves. Good Luck.

Did your husband say he was going to fight it out in court if you wanted custody?? Will he agree on 50/50?? Just wondering if you're assuming that or do you know if your husband will be difficult?? I would hope not if he knows you've already been through a lot trying to get on your feet. Now I know everyone is saying how selfless this is of you but I'm just wondering, and not trying to be judgmental at all so please don't think I am, if maybe you have gotten used to taking care of just you and being on your own and the thought of taking on the single mom roll full-time is a little overwelming. If not, my apologies for bringing it up. If your concerns are truly for your sons and they are truly happy with their dad and not missing their mom's roll in their day to day life, then I'd say that's your choice. But I'd imagine they are missing you more than you are thinking especially if you were a SAHM.

You can still have primary custody, rather than him having it, and you can still split the kids 50/50. I went through what you went through, except that I never left my daughter with her dad, rather, while she was living with us and we had problems, I immediately started looking for apartments behind his back and once I had a place secured and knew our problems had no way of fixing after several attempts, I left him and took my daughter. I had primary custody but we had shared custody, even though she was with me for much longer than she was with him. I don't know how your husband/boyfriend is, but had I left my daughter with him like you did, I would have had a hell of a hard time getting her back, and I am sure he would have used her as a way of getting me to do things if I wanted to see her, and I did not want her to be used like that. Not only that, but I wanted her with me, playing with me, and learning to walk and talk with me, I did not want to miss out on those precious moments by having her living with him. Why don't you ask him if you could just be the primary custodial parent, meaning the kids live with you, your address is the address they list when they are asked for their home address, and you're the parent that gets the responsibility over them and you're the one on all the emergency contact lists, and he gets to have them over to visit and sleep at his home every now and then? You may be surprised, as he may have no problem in doing so as long as he gets turns in sharing., so it may not be a big battle like you think. I think you should ask him if he'd be okay with it, I am sure he wouldn't mind, and you could have your kids living with you, if you want them to.

You made it pretty clear to me! What is most important is your kids know you love them...and if they are happy then I am sure they know.

Hi. I went through that but I let my daughter stay with my mom until I got situated! I always believe that if your a good mom who loves their children you should never leave them no matter what. I brought them in this world and would never let a man have total custody! Its just a woman thing! You should listen to your mom! She only wants the best for you and the kids and get your kids please! Unless if you think you can't handle that then don't!

I agree - you are being a great Mom by putting the kids interests before yours. My stepdaughter lives 1/2 time w/ us and 1/2 w/ her mom and her husband. When I met my husband (and my stepdaughter was 3), I was a bit confused by the joint arrangement w/ split custody and a 3/4 day a week split... HOWEVER, it has worked perfectly. It's best for the child(ren) if you can work it out as they feel they have both parents and not just a visiting one... Your mom is just from a different generation... be thankful that their Dad does want to be involved as much as he does. Both parents loving and actively involved in the kids lives is what matters. Good job!

You are doing the right thing! It may make it easier though to at least have a joint custody mitigation that can negotiate things like summers/holidays, and to spell out that it's a 50/50 custody like some others suggested. If you are all amiable like it has been, it won't have to be a battle, but it's always best to be on the safe side and have things in writing should anything ever happen in the future.

This is going to sound cold, but it's not your mom's call. They're not her kids. This is 2010, the mother doesn't always have to be the full-time parent; many guys are awesome parents too. If your situation is working for you, then let it keep working! You probably do want to put something in writing, just in case things devolve between you and their dad, or if an unforeseen situation comes up (holidays, vacations, etc.).

Although you have had plenty of responses that say this, I thought I'd chime in. You did EXACTLY the right thing. I have seen way too many mothers who kept their kids with them out of spite, when it meant the kids would have a rougher life. Since you say that you knew you wouldn't have all of the resources that you needed to take care of them the way they deserve, you did what was/is best for the boys: You agreed with your ex to have them stay somewhere that they would be well-cared for, loved, and safe. I have seen the kind of stress/problems created for kids when they are bounced around because they parent they live with can't find a place to stay and/or doesn't have the resources to properly care for them. Instead of thinking of yourself, you thought of the kids, which is what all good parents do. Kudos to you for that. Don't listen to people who are criticizing your decision. Dads are an important part of a child's life and it sounds like your children have a good one. As for changing the custody situation, I would recommend against it. If your ex has held up his end of the bargain (which it sounds like he has), then it will just end up looking like you took advantage of him until you were where you wanted to be, then changed the rules on him (and it's clear from your post that you ARE NOT that kind of person). Stick to what you know is right.