Best Responses for "No!"

I have started with the phase with my 2 year old son. I tell him clearly (if he doesnt come to me the first time) that I am going to count to three and he isnt here then he gets time-out. I have used this tactic several times over the weekend, though he isnt responding (yet) on the first try, he is getting a lot of time-outs...he will come around very soon. Just be very clear and to the point with what you expect and have a disipline (not a punishment) in place if they dont behave properly. Its doesnt have to even be a time-out, but there needs to be some consequence for not listening to mommy...I find that for myself, I dont show my anger and frustration (as much) if there is a plan in place and I am following the steps also. :)

--- your baby is growing into a more ''' kids sometimes say no''' place- and it is HUGELY important how you split the problem into two pieces:
what you do when it's safety ( I'd suggest you use a totally different set of words - and tone -- so it isn't '' come back'' it's """" AMY!! STOP _ CARS!!!! """" all the while running full tilt to get her back into a safe place. For safety --- it's a must to establish a tone and set of words that are completely used ONLY for safety

Now, when it's more nearly ''obedience''' or ''preference'' - like '''stand here- stay by me -''' - I'd use a simple set of words that gives her a clear choice such as''''' ''hold onto cart or sit IN it''' ( if she'd rather walk by the cart- then you remind her before you go IN the store '''' want to walk by cart?? --- no touching food - or sit in cart'' and then NO SECOND CHANCES -- if she touches food - she sits in cart. I once carried a seven year old boy out of a convenience store because we went in to get him something to drink and he decided that his life and future depended on having sun-glasses - I carried him out screaming and kicking- and apologized to the clerk on the way ''' sorry-- he can't shop today''' I said no more to him at all--- he'd scream - ''you're mean grandma'' and I'd reply--- ''' you can't shop today'''
He'd scream ''' I hate you''' and I'd say ''' you can't shop today'' -- finally he got tired of my broken record and said '' I KNOW all that'' and I said '''yes, I thought you did- I'm sure tomorrow will go much better'' -- and it did.

Blessings, dear heart- you'll set your rules just fine- I can tell
Old Mom
aka- J.

( a funny P.s.--- shows you what THIS grandma thinks is funny---my tough- type-A grandson and I - he's now 10 -- went to another convenience store - and he bought the promised ''Lunchable'' and then- at the checkoutstand- decided that his life and future depended on his having, also- a foil covered chocolate coin-- he held it out to me and announced imperiously '' I want THIS;''' I took it and put it back- he took it out again- I took it in my hand ( the foil was off by this time) and handed it to the clerk saying '''' I have to pay for this = too-, since the foil is off----- but please throw it away- he can't have it'''' ---

I'm not always popular - but I love him anyway)

Hi C.,

Negativism, or the often-heard "no!" response is extremely common in toddlers and preschoolers, so congratulations, your daughter is right on target for a little self assertion. Here are a few ideas that have worked for me. (You will notice that I am going to sidestep Time Outs and punishments or "consequences" and going to go directly to some techniques that won't get you hung up in that moment. This is to keep your day moving along and to keep your daughter and yourself positively focused!)

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, USE NON-VERBAL METHODS OF DIRECTION. By this, I mean that often we engage our children in a lot of talk, and a lot of opportunities to say no. Using our bodies to direct via hand signals changes the dynamic a bit. For example, when my son stands on his chair, I use a hand gesture of my pointer finger going down, much like a conductor of an orchestra. At this point, he sits down, or if he doesn't, I walk over and place him on the floor and just give him the facts "You may sit on the chair or stand on the floor." Which leads me to-

2. GIVE THE CHILD TWO POSITIVE CHOICES THAT WORK FOR YOU. When giving directions, offer a choice whenever possible, even if it's the smallest of choices. "You may sit next to me or stand next to me while we wait" offers the child a way to go beyond deciding "yes or no" and instead helps them focus on the task at hand. Having a choice of walking or riding, of washing hands with bar soap or soft soap... the guiding idea here for us is to decide what is most important and what needs to be done, then giving our child a chance to choose how they want to do it. Be flexible too--sometimes our kids will come up with great ideas of "how to do it" themselves which are perfectly acceptable. This also models tolerance and shows our kids that it's all right for different people to have their own way of doing things.

3. AVOID GETTING STUCK IN A CYCLE OF NAGGING. That is, if you need to give a verbal direction or cue,("It's time for bed. Let's go get your pajamas"), do not give it more than twice before taking a deep, calm breath and physically assisting the child to help you in what needs to be done. This isn't always easy, but focusing on the task and not your daughter's staunch "no" does two things--it moves the activity along and let's her know you mean business without engaging in a power struggle. Scooping up a child and suggesting something positive "Let's go see what pajamas are in your drawer. Hmmm...I see star pj's and snowman pj's. Which do you want to wear?" This sort of refocusing helps your child physically move along to the next step.

4. AVOID PROTRACTED DISCUSSIONS OF "NO" WHENEVER YOU CAN. Some people will disagree with this, but the best method of countering negativity is ignoring it. I don't believe in having big "let's examine our behavior" discussions with young children, partially because the child is not always capable of being constructive with it (other methods like scripting and coaching in the moment are far more effective)and because it gives that "no" lots of attention, which only encourages and reinforces its repetition. Parents will often want to either punish children who "answer back", and while some parents would consider the child to be "answering back" and defiant, this is actually an important developmental step for the child to separate from their parent and become their own person, and is critical to the development of their self. One has to decide if we are raising children to be our acquiesent puppets, or their own empowered, competent person who can think for themselves. We adults have to be mindful that their "No" has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the child asserting their selves.

one more thing...

GIVE A YES WHENEVER YOU CAN AND AVOID "NO" WHENEVER POSSIBLE. Does your child hear a lot of No from adults? Our own negativity is often reflected in our children's speech. If you give a "yes" whenever you can, it really helps. This doesn't mean giving our child what they want all the time, but telling them "yes" and when in the future they might get what they want *does* avoid quite a bit of trouble. This amazingly works for kids of all ages. "Yes, you may have a cookie, after naptime" or "Yes, we can go to the library, tomorrow" or "Yes, we will visit the zoo the next time Grandma comes" are all ways of giving some context as to when the activity or desired item will be coming their way. As kids are wont to do, younger ones will often forget about what they wanted, satisfied with their positive response, and move on.

I can't think of any other brilliant ideas, but I just want to reiterate here that punishing a child for not 'hopping to' and following orders is counterproductive both to helping our children move on and to our day as a whole. Keeping in mind that our physical guidance helps so much more than engaging in distractions like Time Out, which are confusing ("I didn't come when mama called me to dinner, so now I have to sit in a chair and still not eat dinner"), and that this isn't about us, we can move through our day more pleasantly than trying to teach our kids a lesson. They'll learn eventually. They will also keep saying no to us, throughout their childhood and as they mature to being adults. Giving them good context to practice their autonomy, like allowing them to say "no thanks" to a serving or peas or bubbles in the bath, etc. also gives our kids a little breathing room. Sure, tantrums sometimes develop too, but this is also pretty par for the course with young ones, and they do eventually grow out of it!

I started to read some of the responses, but not all...so sorry if you already heard this...the developmental stage that children this age go through is called autonomy vs. dependence. They use the word "no" as a way of learning that they can be separate from their parents and still loved and accepted. It is an important step towards emotional growth...I like to keep this in mind when I am having one of these moments with my daughter (21 mos). If you chase, they can start to think of this as a game...this will most likely only encourage. My style comes from the Love and Logic materials. I do what I can to not give her the opportunity to say "no"...I offer choices (no more than 2..due to age), distract by getting her to do something/bring me something and then do what is needed, hold her hand...she will sometimes throw a temper tantrum about this..I stand calmly and say when your done we will....she very rarely throws them at all anymore. Good luck, these moments can be hard to tolerate.

Get the Parenting with Love & Logic book and it will help YOU give her a good choice and a bad choice. This will benefit her for the rest of her life. If you tell her what to do or what NOT to do, how will she ever learn to make good choices?
When she's in a dangerous position (like getting ready to run out into traffic), use the word DANGER! Or STOP! Using No all the time gets old and all she hears is "blah,blah, blah.."
If you give her a choice, it gives her a little power in her own outcome. Praise her when she makes a good choice.
You gotta read the book.
I have a friend who always told her son what to do. He's now in his 20's and he was still living at home, making poor choices, gave up his scholorship to the Art Institute to party with his friends,etc. Parents finally told him either stay in school and work hard or you are on your own. He's now living with 3 friends and girlfriend is pregnant. Wish they had given him the "good choice, bad choice" lesson as a 3 year old.

We chose to go with the book with our boys and now they are able to make good choices on their own. Love it.

Not a simple answer. I agree with Judy's answer. I'll add what works for me in some of those situations. First, I wouldn't ask a preschooler that young to come here. I'd go to them. My grandchildren at that age took come here to be a game and would run and hide in the clothes racks at a store. At home I'd stand still after a no. Stand and not move. Usually the child would give up before I did.

If the child was within reach, I might grab an arm and calmly hold on until the child complied. I hesitated doing this thinking that I'd be standing there forever with a crying, squirming baby/child. Most often, once they realized I wasn't going to change my mind nor were they going to get a reaction from me, they started walking. (I'm not able to pick them up.)

Keep in mind that a no is not necessarily defiance. Two year olds are beginning to be able to have some control over themselves and their environment. To learn how much control they have, they test the boundaries by saying no. Here's another thing to try. Laugh and say something like you're so funny. Then grab them, give them a silly hug and physically direct them to where I wanted them to go. Frequently the silly response refocuses them away from the no.

Know both yours and your baby's limits. My grandchildren at that age just could not stay by my side. There were too many interesting things to explore. So, they rode in the cart. Never was a choice for them. If your baby runs away when you ask her to do something, have actual physical contact with her when you ask. A light touch on the shoulder, perhaps holding a hand.

I guess I son't think of the no as defiance which helps me remain emotionally unattached to the response. I do see a lot of nos that mean they don't want to do it. They haven't yet learned how to express what they want in any other way than saying no. So, I might say, "I know you don't want to sit in your chair now but it's one of those things you just have to do. And then stand and wait for her to comply. If she doesn't after a minute or so, then pick her up and put her in her chair. When we wait to give them a chance to comply we are giving them a bit of power to control their actions. Don't expect your daughter to change her mind and sit in the chair now. You're starting a pattern that she will learn.

I've always explained too much to children. I want you to do this because I'm late for an appointment. That's too confusing to a preschooler. The child only needs to know what you want them to do and learn how to do it while saving face.

I agree that running after her when she runs away could promote the "defiance." However, if you run after her in good humor you are teaching her that there is nothing to be defiant about. She knows that you will follow thru. Running after her won't work in open spaces because it takes too long to get to her and it turns into a game for her.

Part of my philosophy of life is that we get what we attract. If I think of a toddlers no as definace it will be defiance. If I think of it as a way for her to learn where the boundaries are it is a learning experience. It's still frustrating but it takes the anger out of the situation. When we're angry they have something to push back against. When we're able to be calm and firm she has a reason to do what you say. It's hard to explain. I didn't understand the concept for many years. I kept trying the not getting angry while remaining firm until it worked. Humor is also a great tool.

C.-
I have been there! Isn't it fun?! For my daughter and son (4 and 2) them saying no to me was this power struggle that I wasn't interested in fighting. I am a big fan of the Love and Logic form of parenting. I give my kids choices on those kinds of things- "would you like to walk over here your self or hold my hand and do it?" "Do you want to skip to me or crawl like a snake?" She needs to feel like she can make choices and when you provide her with ones you are ok with then you are still the mom and she feels good about making the right choices. As far as her saying the word "no" to you, although I am sure some people would disagree, and I sometimes slip up with this- but I don't make a big deal about it, sometimes I say "if you disagree with me that is ok, but say it in another way- 'I don't agree' or 'I would rather not'. I want my daughter and son to be able to tell me what they want without being rude or stubburn. I got long winded; I am sorry-- Good luck!

To me this sounds like a power struggle between you and your daughter. My daughter used to do the same thing when she was that age every time it was time to leave the park. Finally when she would stomp her foot and say "NO" I would stay very non ruffled and say something like "Fine, suit yourself, but I'm leaving. See ya." Then I would turn my back and start walking to the car. Within seconds she would start yelling "No mommy don't leave me!" and start running after me. Then when she would reach me I would say something like "Oh. I'm so glad you decided to come with me because it is time for us to go home and see Daddy." It worked for us.

I have to agree two choices - I wouldn't say one is good or bad - but control for it - do you want to get in the car seat yourself or have me help you? Do you want cherries or nectarine for breakfast? Do you want to wear the striped hoodie or the pink one? All time favorite for not getting dressed - do you want to do it yourself or let me help you?

Anyway if that doesn't work meaning there really isn't a choice - mind you we are THREE here - then it's counting - but I think I might have to pick up the love and logic book - we count to 10 here - when I did three she'd do until 10 to get to it - it's usually to put away toys - if she doesn't help - then the toy goes away - 80% of the time it works. Sometimes - all is a loss and we just leave the situation - like at someone else's house where she is breaking their rules - not mine - and it's really hard to distinguish the difference to her.

The point off all of this - when I use NO - it is for a dangerous situation - about to stick something in an electrical outlet - run out in a parking lot - or run off a cliff.

Just go after her, flick her on the hand with your finger and say "Mommy said to come", and bring her to where you wanted her to be. You need to help her to do the thing you wanted her to do and eventually she will get the idea, along with seeing that disobeying results in a flick on the hand.

C. -
You: "Come here."
Child: "NO!"
Y: "You may either come here to me or I will go to you. If I go to you I will hold your hand. Come here"
C: "NO!"
Y: Go to child. Take child's hand. Crouch down to face level. "I told you to come here. You did not. You will do as I say. You made the choice not to come to me and now you will hold my hand." Then do it.

Every time you tell your child to "come here...come with me...stand by me" you say, "You have the choice to do what I told you or to have me MAKE you do what I told you. You decide." Then if the child tells you NO or does not go with you or stand by you, you take the child's hand, get down to their level and say, "you chose not to listen, now you will hold my hand." Be consistent. She will learn.
L.

Laura U. is right on. Follow her recommendation and it will soon end. Be sure to not let go of her hand for a while. When she complains and wants you to let go, explain calmly that behaving Mommy is for her safety, and until she chooses to obey on her own, you will have to help her.

I totally agree with Judy C. Although her examples are of an older child 2 yr. olds CAN be reasoned with, on their own level. I have one and it does work. It may take time but it will give them more sense of control when they understand the reasons why and whatfor. Of course, if it is a matter of immediate safety or they are already screaming beyond the "talking" stage then you have to bodily move them but explain later when they calm down. Good luck!

Hi C.
What we do for my grandson is give a consequence and then start the count to childs age if you get to the age follow through on the consequence it won't take long before when the consequence is given and the count starts that the child will be in a hurry to comply.
Good Luck Paula

This is the hardest trial of two year old's. The best you can do is in a safe spot with others to help you, set up a situation where you call her to come to you. When she defies you, turn away and slowly walk away. Don't peak back. Just deliberately walk away. This is really hard to do, and that's why you have to pick you place and have back up, perhaps someone that she doesn't know is there. The expected result is that she will be so shocked that you walk away, that she will come after you. If you do this a number (2 0r 3) times she will be cured of her bad habit. Perhaps it will take only once.

Wow, 2.5 is hard. I remember. Mine just turned 5.

Anyway, Judy's ideas are very sound.

Also, I use the 1-2-3 rule. If he defies me, says no, I tell him what action I'll take at 3 if he doesn't comply, (i.e. not gonna shop today or no candy or going home) then count slowly down 1-2-3. If he still has not complied w/ what I asked by 3, I say, "Okay. No candy." He does all the getting mad and "You're mean" stuff, which hurts. But he figures it out. I will sometimes let him earn back whatever privilege I took away.

If he persists in saying I'm mean, I explain to him that we all make choices, some good, some bad, and there are consequences for our actions, good and bad. This may seem like too much for a 2-y-o, but by the time they're 5, it's ingrained and you have far fewer defiances, or at least you only get to 2 in your count before they comply! LOL The bonus is that they learn to be responsible for their own actions. In other words, it's no longer "You're mean" but "I made a bad choice today by not doing what Mommy said to do." I think it's one of the tenets of "Parenting With Love and Logic," but I could be wrong.

BIG HUGS! You'll work it out.