BF (His Parents) Demanding My Son Stay the Night

obviously your living situation is unusual and not optimal, but i'm confused about something. i get the impression from what you said about getting off work early and not being able to get in that a) you work (good for you) and b) your son goes to his dad's while you work. the house is just as unsafe during the day as it is at night with knives and razors, so i don't really understand why you are worried about an overnight if he's already there a lot.
i do understand your concerns over the lack of safety and babyproofing. i'm sorry your current home isn't safe either (can't you put the perfume up somewhere safe?) it sounds as if you need to develop some alternate strategies, somewhere you can leave your child with confidence when you need to.
i don't even know what to say about having another child with a man who can't be trusted with the one you have. you obviously have good instincts, you know what your 3 year old needs, but it's going to become exponentially more difficult when there are 2 babies who are now bouncing between 2 unsafe homes.
your BF's parents have no right to demand anything. if your BF is actively parenting your son and your son is already staying there a lot, it does seem odd to refuse to let him stay the night. you can insist, of course, but you've backed yourself into a corner with few options. if there's nowhere safe and neutral for your child to stay when you go to give birth, and the babies' dad is willing to take him, it does sound like the best of your poor available options. but i sure hope you manage to work out something that is actually safe for your children before you have more.
khairete
S.

This may be unheard of to some, but I just want to throw this idea out there. Since both homes are unsafe, what about having your child stay at a daycare provider's home while you are in the hospital. Try getting him adjusted to it now so when the baby comes, he is fully comfortable. As far as the overnights with his daddy, he needs to get his house babyproofed and you need to get your parents babyproofed too. It is unacceptable to have children in a house where they could get hurt or poisoned. This is avoidable! Take care of it now and refuse to let your child stay anywhere for any length of time in an unsafe environment. Don't have any more kids with a dad who isn't commited to safety or wants to parent. Good luck

M

N., have you talked to your parents about the problem? Have you discussed your brother and the perfume? Do they know about all of this at your BF's house?

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know why you are with a man who puts his parents over you when he clearly should know it's not in his child's best interests. Plus he yells at you. Neither of you have the ability to provide for your family on your own, yet you are having another baby with him. I guess you love him, but you are going to be in a world of hurt if you let him win this argument about his parents keeping your children at their place. It is obvious that they want control more than they care about the child. If they really cared about the child, they'd do a better job, but they aren't even trying.

I really and truly hope you think hard before you consider marrying this man. Talk to your parents. Tell them you are worried about a tragedy. You may need to talk to a lawyer to help you. It may even help to get CPS involved so that the court doesn't allow your boyfriend to take your children over there.

I don't know how old you are, N., but you sound very young. You are mature enough to understand that your child is in danger over there. Be mature enough to do the right thing and get help to make your boyfriend understand that he is wrong to want his children in his parents home unsupervised. And really start thinking about whether or not he will be able to be a good father. That should be a big part of your decision whether to stay with him or not. Certainly more children with him in your future should give you pause.

Good luck with this,
Dawn

I think your son should stay at your parents' house while you are in the hospital as that is the place he is used to sleeping. He will likely be missing you and a bit anxious so this seems in his best interest.

I don't know what the circumstances are between you and your boyfriend and both sets of grandparents but you need to straighten out your living situation. If you are a family (meaning you, your BF and your 2 kids) you should be living together. If you are unable to self support right now, would either of the grandparents let you both live in their home with your kids? If not, you may need to consider talking to social services for assistance in getting your life together.

Tell your BF that you would love for your son to be able to spend the night with him; however, before that can happen he needs to take the steps that are necessary to facilitate an overnight visit. Help him if necessary. Have the knives/razors and anything else that is dangerous put safely up/away and completely unaccessible to your son (not just out of reach because kids climb). This should also go for at your house too (perfumes and other personal care products contain harmful chemicals) because even the most careful parents can't watch their child 24/7 and it only takes a second to do serious damage.

Also express your concern about him "sleeping through" when your son wakes. It may be that when you are together, he knows you will handle things and therefore didn't feel he had to get up (guys can be oblivious!).

As for his parents demanding, that is ridiculous. You and he are your son's parents and they don't have the right to DEMAND anything. I don't know how old you and he are so I don't know if that plays any part in the issues or not.

None of us have met these dear people who, although you report that their skills at observing and being responsive to a toddler's behaviors, seem to love your son and want to develop a relationship with him. I think it would be truly helpful to reserve judgment and offer encouragement rather than criticism. The culture we live in has taught us few skills for managing the kind of situation you are describing. It seems to me that our schools need to teach the art of consultation for the purpose of building agreements within the family, the community, and at work. It should not be necessary to fight.

In this situation, I would simply state that your child has never spent the night outside his own home except when you were with him and that you do not intend to change that for another year or two. Myself, I did not allow my son to spend the night away from either his father or I until he was 5 and was old enough to ask for the privilege. You can also explain that it would be irresponsible to have his first night away from you while you are in the hospital and could not come and pick him up if he became upset about being away from home and mom. I know that the first several times my son stayed at his grandparents house at the age of 5, I stayed near the phone so I could go pick him up if he changed his mind.

You see, if a child knows he has the choice to come home when he feels he needs to, he will relax and enjoy his time there much better and will get used to the new settings better. You can always explain that you want to make sure that the relationship developing between your BF's parents and your son will develop healthy and happy, so you are going to allow things to develop gradually and at a time when you can be available.

I would begin the conversation by first telling these dear people how much I appreciate their kindness and generosity and that I feel very lucky to have found a family that welcomes my child into their hearts. Then I would ask them to for their understanding and support in regard to your decision about sleep overs, especially while you are in the hospital. Explain that it would be so difficult for you if you were worrying about your child being stressed with a new situation while you were giving birth and recovering. It just seems unnecessary to plan for too many possibilities for stress at such a time.

I would finish by asking if they would be willing to help support your parents while you are in the hospital. Perhaps they could watch him for short times if they need to shop or if they want to come see the new baby in the hospital.

Anyway, you are going to have many occasions where you will need to draw clear boundaries and it is well worth learning how to do so respectfully, courteously, and without feeling offended too easily or allowing for any fighting. It will primarily be your job to teach such skills to your children.

I continually recommend a book called The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K Popov. You can order it online through many websites, but you can find and learn more about The Virtues Project at www.VirtuesProject.com. The Virtues Project was something I discovered when my son was 7. I so wish I had had it before he was born! I don't know how we would have made it through the teen years without it. I know it had such a powerful effect on my son's character and the beautiful social skills he has today (age 24).

Hope this is helpful.

You and the boyfriend really need to get married and create your own home together. You have now brought 2 children into the world and they deserve a home where both their parents are. Your boyfriend needs to quit acting like a mama's boy and man up and take care of you and his two children. Really you should not have gotten pregnant again without having this figured out and being in a more stable environment but you have a couple of months to get a place of your own. I would start looking today.

I am editing my answer to add: I think your BF's parents are control freaks. I went to your profile and read your othe questions and red flags went up immediately! If it is ever an option do NOT ever move in with BF and his parents. They will totally take over.
Next time they say anything to you about your parenting choices tell them that doesn't work for you. Tell them the doctor said what I am doing is fine. They had their chance to raise their boys...now it's your turn. You are the parent not them. Tell them seeing their grandchild is a privelage not a right and that your son does not have to go over there. Especially since you have full custody! Good luck, I don't see his parents letting up at all. Stand up for yourself and your children!

I have to agree with the other PP's. My suggestion to you would be: have a sit down talk with him and his parents. I would even have your parents there so you aren't ganged up on by BF and his parents. Before your talk write out what your expectations are before he spends the night. Ask them questions like, "BF", If our child wakes up in the middle of the night how are you going to hear him since you are such a heavy sleeper"? Tell them the safety of your child is more important than their demanding time that he spends the night. Also ask them why it's so important for him to sleep over when all he is doing is sleeping? I am thinking it's a jealousy thing, he is living under your parents roof and BF's parents are jealous.
I have a 3 year old daughter and she knows things are dangerous, does she always listen no, I don't think you have any reason to not be upset that your son was left outside alone with a hot grill, that's very dangerous. And I am glad your BF said something to his mom. But your BF should back you up 100% and not be under his mommy's thumb.
You too have 2 children to think about now and it's time he does man up.

If you and your BF continue to live in separate househoulds, you need to develop a parenting plan together that will protect both your children and insure that they have regular, meaningful contact with both of you. You are the parents, and it is your responsibility to jointly make decisions on their behalf. If you are in Missouri, I strongly recommend you contact MARCH mediation. They have excellent mediators that can help you develop a plan, and they will then assist you to incorporate your plan into a court order. The only cost to you is the filing fee with the court. Their number is (800) 595-9750.

Ok, well, I DO know the old saying that an "ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". An earlier response said that perhaps you are being a little overprotective. While I feel that we can never be too careful and protective most of the time, (and this is coming from my own experiences) I am wondering if perhaps you are being a little more critical with the inlaws because there are some resentments there. I've been in similiar situations. Anyway, if you two are planning on getting married, or at the very least remaining committed to one another indefinately, then trust me when I tell you that I know personally that it will be easier for all involved for you guys to work on compromising on your differences. Even if you "win" you all will lose. Now, I am NOT saying that any of this is your fault, but IMO, I think that it would be good for you to personally assist in the babyproofing. Try not to make it a unpleasant event. Maybe use your overnight at the hospital to your advantage and say "bc I'd like for our son to stay here that night, I want to HELP make the house extra safe, so I don't get all postpartum anxious, etc...) Then do it to your liking. I also suggest that you and the BF work on getting out on your own as a famliy. I've found that, regardless of marital status, adult children still under the parents' roof, will always act as "the child" because that is the family dynamic he is accustomed to, and it won't change until he takes on his status as"man of the house". For now, giving ultimatums may backfire if you use them as an attempt to get your way. I know it's tough when you are preggers, but just try to stay calm and remind yourself to take the "high road" and it will work out, but try to get a place of your own, you'll probably see a drastic change, and as long as boundaries stay in place, there is a good chance that after some time for everyone to adjust, these things will be a non-issue.. Best of luck, and congratulations on the baby!

You sound like a typical first time mom. We all love and worry about our children and you sound like you take very seriously your role as mother to this little boy. (for real take pride in that). It is very hard to let other people take on some of that responsiblity especially when we know they wont do it the way we want them to. Luckily at three your son is starting to be at the age where he knows the rules and you can let him do more and more on his own. It sounds like his father at least undestands your views on safety and although he doesn't have the experience of waking up I bet he would. You have to let him learn to be a father.

That being said the hospital didn't let you take that baby home without certain things being in place (for example having a carseat). So have a list of expectations for the father to do and maintain before you will allow your son to be there for the night. Make the list clear but dont' go overboard and if he fails to do any of that by a deadline of December 15th (or whenever) then explain that your parents will be the one to watch your son. It then becomes your BF choice as to who watches your son.

I dont' know too many hospitals that allow the three year old spend the night. And I think you will need that time for you and the new baby. I also strongly believe that adding a new baby will be enough of an adjustment for your son and he doesn't need the stress of being away from you for the first time. If your BF could watch him one night here or there before hand that would help, or if your parents are the ones then maybe have them watch your son and have prep nights so you son will know what to expect when the new baby arrives.

You sound like a younger mother and the love and dedication to your children radiates in your thoughts. I strongly suggest you start to come up with a realistic family plan with great detail as to how you guys are going to establish your living/childcare arrangments in the future. You and your BF need a clear understanding of who has what parenting role and which you share and your BF needs to realize the work that you put into these children before he gets a slumberparty. Waking up in the middle of the night is what parents do, both of them.

under the circumstances that you are if you BF has any visitation rights then it's HIS responsibility to ensure that his parents see their grand baby. check your laws but if i'm not misunderstanding, if you have full custody where your son stays is ultimately up to YOU especially if there is no visitation ruled in a decree if there is not and you have no intentions on making a future with this man then you might want to look into getting an order.

but i do agree with the other posts, if you have kids together, why not be mom and dad under the same roof?

I think before this baby is born, you need to do some heavy thinking. First off, why is there a baby if you two are not committed to each other? Next, if you are committed, then why aren't you living in your own home together?

Is there an aunt or a 3rd party that can take care of your son and would be better than either of the grandparents? Can a good friend of yours come stay at your house and watch your son?

I think it's time to pull everyone together and tell them that without their homes being childproof and without the parents watching this child to keep him safe, then neither on them is going to get the child to watch......

You're bf doesn't sound like he is very mature if he is living in a room with knives and such laying around.

I think you need to get your life together with these kids and then make some decisions about your life. What are you teaching your son now? What is the results going to be with another child and no husband or no future for you? Living at home is fine for a small time to get yourself on the right path, but you need to make some life changing decisions here and set a goal. What do you want for you and your kids......? Is the Dad included in those plans? What are you doing to secure a good future for yourself and the kids?

Good luck and take care.

Stand up for your son. If he's not safe there, don't let him stay there. Tell them why, and tell them exactly what they need to change. He "don't care what you say", huh?? Well, perhaps he'll care what a child custody lawyer and/or Child Protective Services says? This boyfriend has no custody, you don't live together, and you don't like the way his household operates (yelling, etc...) ....so, uh...I have to ask: why do you keep having babies with him??

As for your own house...can't your mother protect your son from the retarded brother? Can't the perfume be moved temporarily? I'm sorry - but I feel that your job is to provide a safe, happy place for your children to grow up in. Stand up for yourself and your kids and don't let other people's opinions or lifestyles put your family in danger. The BF and his parents have no right whatsoever to make up rules and decide how this works. You have custody: you call the shots.

Wow! This sounds like a difficult situation. You are the mother and have full custody, so you get final say! But, you do need to come up with a plan. Are your parents willing to keep your son while you're in the hospital? Where will your BF be when you're in the hospital? Your BF is the father of both of your children, so I assume you must trust him--at least a little--since you've agreed to have his children. Maybe this is a good opportunity for him to be responsible. Instead of staying at the hospital, maybe he should stay home with your 3 year old.

What is in the BEST interest of this child, and the new baby on the way? Whatever that is - do that.

In the meantime perhaps you and your boyfriend should commit to one another, and create your own home. If you will not, or cannot, do that then you need to look at why you are having children together.

I don't say this to be judgmental - it's my humble opinion that you and your children would all be better off if you handle this entire situation in a more thoughtful manner, with an eye on the long haul (the big picture). Don't just think about now - what about 10 years from now? Before you know it these children will be 16 & 13 - looking to you for LEADERSHIP.

Good luck.

If you dont think its safe for him to stay the night why is he there during the day, Im guessing being watched by Grandma?

Anyway you can get a stable place before the baby is born to live with the father of the children?

Can your son stay at your home with your parents and they and the child's father take turn watching him at night while you are in the hospital? Would they agree that the child is safer at their home with their father present, then at his other grandparent's home?

I agree with Angela S.

Why don't you and your bf live together and start your own home? I do think you may be being a little over protective though. Your child is 3 and someone must have been outside grilling the burgers besides his mom. My 3 yr old does not need to be hovered over. He goes out on the deck while daddy is grilling to blow bubbles and he knows not to go near it because its hot. All 3 grandkids go down in the basement to play without an adult at grandma's house they are 5,3, and 3 and there is never an issue. If you are that concerned about the safety of there home and the way they watch him you need to go to a courthouse and get a visitation schedule done otherwise he has every right to have him. When you have your baby and leave your son at your parents he could go over there and get him and go to the police if they don't hand your son over to him.

Updated

I agree with Angela S.

Why don't you and your bf live together and start your own home? I do think you may be being a little over protective though. Your child is 3 and someone must have been outside grilling the burgers besides his mom. My 3 yr old does not need to be hovered over. He goes out on the deck while daddy is grilling to blow bubbles and he knows not to go near it because its hot. All 3 grandkids go down in the basement to play without an adult at grandma's house they are 5,3, and 3 and there is never an issue. If you are that concerned about the safety of there home and the way they watch him you need to go to a courthouse and get a visitation schedule done otherwise he has every right to have him. When you have your baby and leave your son at your parents he could go over there and get him and go to the police if they don't hand your son over to him.

Can you hire a sitter or any other family member?

Perhaps I am passing too much judgement here and although you do have some valid concerns, I don't think it's right you won't let him spend the night. I also agree that if you are going to continue to be in a relationship with your boyfriend and go so far as to get pregnant with another child by him, you need to let go of some of this control you have. If he's worthy enough for you to date him, love him and have a second child by him, then you must expect him to be worthy enough to be able to care for his child over night. If you were that concerned with his parenting, or his living conditions, you should not have continued this relationship. I know this wasn't really your question, and I truly am not trying to sound totally harsh, but let your son spend the night, let go of some of your control and be honest with your boyfriend and his parents about what you expect. Your son's dad and grandparents need some time wtih him as well and if (and my opinion he should) he's going to be there while you're at the hospital, he might as well get used to it now.