Will This Family Dynamic Ever Work????

The dynamic may or may not ever work, but while you are there you can focus on learning tolerance for other points of view while maintaining your own lifestyle choices. You will never find a partner that will agree with you 100% on how to raise kids or live life. Since your BF is already involved with his other children, chances are that he will want to remain involved with your child. At which point you will have NO control or say over what happens when he is visiting his dad. And, not matter how you try to shelter your child, he WILL at some point realize that he is different from other kids around him. That is just how it is. Weigh all the choices and consequences before you decide.

I don't think you really need us to answer this question. I think you already now the answer. From what I got out of your post this is a very toxic environment for you and your son. You will not be able to change them. They are set in their ways, especially the teen. Unless there is a mutual respect for eachother and the way you each want to live, I see much turmoil in the future. Sorry.

You have such distaste for how your boyfriend lives. You have such contempt for his children, who are equally as important as the child you share with him. You act as if your child is more important than anyone else in the house and your way of doing things is so much more superior that I'm sure your attitude about everything oozes off of you in waves. I'm sure those children know exactly how you feel about them, as does your boyfriend.

So why in the world should they want to accommodate you? It doesn't sound pleasant living with you. Think about this: it's not that what you want to feed your child and expose him to is wrong. It's the way in which you go about it and how you present yourself and your desired lifestyle.

You're not ever going to separate this father from his children, nor should you try to get them out of your home away from him. You shouldn't try to keep them away from your son either. They're "half siblings." I hate it when people do that... that deliberate distancing of siblings in a blended family. They are siblings. And you need to respect these children and let them know you expect respect as well. But you need to be a united front with your boyfriend. So the two of you need to get into couples counseling ASAP.

With the attitude here in the post, no you won't ever be a unified family. It is give and take on both sides. I don't know how your relationship was before you both became parents to this little boy but he does have a say in it as well. Your son is going to be around people who do not adhere to your "lifestyle". If you and your boyfriend spilt up he will spend time with his dad and siblings. So "this model" will still be around. I am not saying give in but you are also going to have to work with them as well.

As far as the step kids are concerned, if they are not following the rules in the house you need to get their father on board. If not, your home will always be chaotic. Blending and adding to families are not easy. Good luck.

Wow, you have a 15 month old, so you have been with your BF for at least 2 years - and you never knew what his parenting style was like? Did you never see his children before you became pregnant with this child?

I have to say, since you are so much better then your BF and his older children, then your relationship will never work.

C., we all have ideals and styles when raising our children. But, you also have two other children in the home. To make this work you must find a balance between parenting styles. You must embrace the older children and make them your own also. How can you expect them to respect you when you show them, and their father, no respect.

If you are not willing to find a middle ground, at least for those times the older children are with you, then, you are right, "we will never be a unified family".

Which is a shame because all the children will be the losers in this situation.

Good Luck and God Bless

Your BF is the father of this child right? So these are your son's siblings correct? So even if you move out, they will be a part of his life. If your BF is not into your style of parenting what do you think will happen when you guys break up?
When you and your BF decided to have this child and lifestyle you had met his kids right? So you chose them and him at the same time. I think some parenting classes might help him and some couples counseling might be good to help you create a smoother less conflicted household. Just because his kids weren't given rules or taught manners doesn't mean you can't start now. Yes, It won't be an easy road, but you and your BF might decide its worth it!
You didn't say if your BF was on the same page as you regarding parenting style? if he is I would think he would be on board to have all his kids benefit?

Finally when your son gets out into the real world he will inevitably encounter "whiny, irritable, picky, and unimaginative children of today" how lucky you are to be able to show him how to deal with those kind of people in a relatively controlled environment.. your home.

Well, he is your son, and your BF's son too. Sometimes women don't know what kind of father their mate will be until after the baby arrives. But since he already had two kids you must have known what kind of parent he was when you decided to have a child with him.
If it's as bad as you say, and you are unwilling to compromise, then no, this dynamic will never work. You will need to separate from your BF and your son will split time between two very different homes. How sad and confusing for him that will be. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I just think it's a shame you didn't think things through :(

No. From what you have said in this post and the last post this family dynamic will not work, Since you asked. I hate to recommend a mother and father split up but You and your BF have a VERY different style of parenting and I can't see a compromise. His kids need stability and they will not get it in this relationship, Dad doesnt parent them and they drive you nuts, and they can tell they drive you nuts. Find a way to co parent the little one with your ex but he has a VERY different style pf parenting so good luck

Yes - why live in an environmnet that you don't want to be in? Simple answer - move on and find someone who "gets" you. He's your BF, he doesn't seem to care about your wishes of lifestyle. Why prolong the obvious. But since he is the father of your child - I'd get some counseling first.

I don't know you but you sound like you are doing a great job raising your son in a healthy way both environmentally and nutritionally. You know who you are and that's a great thing!

I am surprised that your boyfriend's children are so unruly. I would think that if you and he get along you would have similar styles, but maybe you aren't as well suited as you think? (just something to think about, sorry to be so serious).

I think you'll have to meet him in the middle somewhere--all relationships need give and take. Think about where you are willing to give a little and ask him to do the same. Start a series of conversations with compromise being the goal. If you remain too strict about your rules he will definitely be frustrated.

I think a strict diet is great for little kids but remember your son is some day going to be going out into the "real world." Sometimes kids need to join in and do what everyone else is doing, sharing food or and activity. Don't shelter your son to the point where he can't function in society and make friends.

On the other hand it sounds like your boyfriend's kids need some discipline. Don't be afraid to stick to your guns on (M.) things with them. My favorite expression is PICK YOUR BATTLES. Let some things go and stick to your M. important priorities. You are right to expect good behavior!

Best of luck, you are on the right track. Just don't be afraid to let a FEW things go. :)

Ok your baby is probably hyper when his siblings are over because it's a different atmosphere. His half brother is maybe throwing toys to get attention. He was the baby and now your baby is the baby. He sees his dad on the weekends or whenever and he has to compete with a baby who gets treated specially from you. You bf puts his kids first because he doesn't see them everyday. You are choosing to raise your son your way it doesn't mean it's the right way. I personally find a calm boy odd I have 3 and a few nephews and all my sons friends and my friends kids and not one of them is calm. I am not saying kids should act like maniacs without manners and whine all the time. I don't tolerate whining. My kids don't like strange healthfood but neither do I and they have huge immaginations. How did you end up with this guy if your lifestyles are sooo different? Did you turn into this type of person after having your son? I will say this I can't imagina a young boy not wanting to go on a nature walk. My kids love it when we go and they are vaccinated, junk food eating, wild, screaming,palying hard and rough boys....You will never be happy in this situation but just remember if your bf isn't the same parent as you he won't feed your son what you want him to eat ,he will be around his siblings and may start to act like them. You are in a tough spot you should really discuss this with your man if you haven't already. Tell him he needs to lay down the law with his kids no throwing your babies toys no whining no bossing those are not ways to get their dads attention. He should let them know they still are very important to him even though he has a new family. Would it help if he took them on an outing without you and the baby when he has them? Well good luck to you. You have a lot of thinking and deciding to do.

How rude of people to just say that you "didn't think it through." Sometimes life just works out a certain way and LOOKING BACK you can see your mistakes but at the time you couldn't. I'm sure everyone has something they look back on and maybe wished they had "thought it through." You didn't ask for their opinion on whether you "should have done something different" and the situation is what it is and you can't change that!

It sounds like you might be like me–originally thinking that you'd raise your children like typical Americans and then learning more and deciding you don't want to vaccinate and are avoiding some of the bad foods out there. Also, the Waldorf method is wonderful and it's great you took the time to discover it and learn about it.

Sounds like you might try to find some support before you break up the relationship. What I mean, is find some families out there just like you who think like you and have kids your son's age. I would never have been able to pull of some of the "strange" ideas I now have about parenting if it weren't for the support of other people who think like I do. Plus it will be support for your son to see other kids just like him.

My SD lives in two worlds, poor thing. At our house it's about healthy foods, limited TV, lots of art and exploring, no junk food, not much sugar, recycling etc. At her mom's it's about constant TV, junk food, late nights, rated R movies, etc. And she prefers our house! She even made her mom buy her organic snacks LOL!

I think you need a good conversation with your BF. I'm sure there are things you can compromise on. You'll have to grant his children the right to do some of the things you don't approve of for your son--but the funny thing is if you do that but continue to do things with your son a certain way they may change their minds on their own.

I believe in your house there are some things that your BF should compromise on. For example, your house, your bedtime rules. Your house, your food that you buy. Can you stop them from watching a lot of unimaginative TV? Probably not. Can you take it one step at a time? Get your BF to agree to ONE thing. Maybe a solid bedtime. Start there.

And tread lightly. There were some things that I noticed about my DH that he was sensitive about with his daughter and I had to phrase things a certain way. He thinks she is just so amazing and anyone who doesn't like her--THEY have the problem. So when we'd get bad reports from teachers it was always the TEACHER who had the problem. I have to phrase things a certain way so he doesn't blow up because I know that my SD has issues paying attention and following directions. I also just had to let him see it for himself.

Good luck! Your situation is not doomed, but you're going to have to take control, compromise and tread lightly. No one likes to think that they are a bad parent.

Yes.

**ETA** Didn't you leave this same guy in January for the same reasons of family dynamic?

Well you sound like a very rigid person -- and unloving -- and your mind is already made up. I feel bad that the other kids in your home are so judged by you. How awful for them.

What's more important though -- a family or raising your kid by the book in a perfect environment? Trust me, when he grows up (I'm talking middle school, high school and life in general) he won't be living like you're making him live now. Kids change. People change. If you take him away from his family because they weren't perfect, he'll resent you for it one day.

Congrats on the healthydiet. I wish I would have kept to the better diet we were all on before she went to school. My daughter used to detest junk food, but got it at school, activities, and friends' houses so she loves it now.

I have no advice for whether it will work or how to deal with stepkids. I just wanted to let you know I understand and admire you for wanting the best diet for your child. I had birth defect which went unnoticed until i got obese and sickly. Now I have health issues and it is all made worse by diet/fat.
Take care of you and your son.

Sometimes answers seem mean and unhelpful here. If you do leave, don't rush into another relationship and find someone compatible. Marriage is hard enough when we have the same beliefs and values.

Yes, this has already ruined your relationship and it's not going to change! You clearly are on very different pages regarding how to raise your children and my guess is that you are on different pages in other areas as well.

Children learn what they live... and live what they see.

When people say "no offense to..." then they say something terribly judgmental, it's a little hard to take them seriously.

It's easy for people think they "know" everything when their first child is a baby who has yet to develop their own personalities and tendencies. What will happen if your child acts like a boy and ends up loving Star Wars and is sometimes whiny and irritable, like boys do no matter how you raise them? My son LOVED crazy health foods then, when he got his own personality, decided to outlaw whole categories of food based on colors or textures. Will you blame your boyfriend and his kids for that?

The key to raising kids is to love them for who THEY are and give them ROOM to grow and figure that out. It's admirable that you are doing with the healthy diet, etc., but the older kids have already gotten through the stage where their whole world is controlled by their parents. Stop blaming them and start looking at them with compassion.

You are never going to be your boyfriend's first priority as long as his kids are in the house. They are in charge right now, and he has given them that control. Neither he nor they are going to pass the power to you to change the permissive environment they've all gotten accustomed to. It's easier for him than putting his foot down. It's easier for them because they get everything the way they want it. If you remain in this home, your son will either be totally miserable or become just like the other kids (which really means he'll become spoiled rotten AND miserable), and you are always going to feel undermined. Get out while you still can and make the kind of home for yourself and your son that you desire to have instead of trying to alter the way your boyfriend lives his life and raises his children.

you poor thing, how did you ever get into this mess???

I guess you need to weigh the importance of your relationship with the BF (unclear if this is the baby's bio father?-- that would make it more complicated in my mind). How do you see you and your son's life turning out if you stay? What will it be like if you leave??? In five years will the "??step?? kids" be around? how will you deal with outside influences in five years when your son becomes school aged???

This situation is just so sad to me. I wish you well.

Edited: this upset me so much it was on my mind all night. Now i'm almost in tears wondering if you actually left this horrible man and some how he ended up with joint custody how you would ever rest knowing that he would not respect your son's diet and your wishes. Atleast if you are around you will know what is going on, but at his house /his rules!!

Is your BF your child's father? I think the two of you need to agree on how you will raise all three children. If you cannot, I do not think your situation can work. Have you discussed parenting styles? Perhaps BF does not know there are other creative and healthy ways to parent. If you leave and he is the father, if you share custody DS will still spend a substantial amount of time with your BF and siblings.