My Boyfriend and Daughter Have Been at Each Other's Throats. What Can I Do?

Off topic but Diane B. I respect that you disagreed without calling out any member's name.

I asked the moderator to address that action as one mother here tends to do (a lot).

Hormones. Give her half a Midol when she's being completely cranky and see if it helps her disposition.

Welcome to mamapedia!

Did you move into his home or did he move into yours or did you get a new place together?

She is YOUR daughter and YOU need to parent her. YOU don't tell HIM to work it out with her. YOU step up and YOU parent your child. YOU need to be the role model and show her how to behave and treat people. If you let this go? She will end up walking all over you and him.

You've not married him after 5 years. So you are showing your daughter it's okay to shack up and such without marriage.

Have you stopped to think she's confused? She's trying to figure out HER boundaries (10 year olds typically do).

You need to have a family meeting. Set the ground rules, responsibilities and consequences for not following the rules. They need to be the same for everyone.

If you've spent hours talking TO her? You've proven you can't communicate with her. You talk WITH her - NOT TO HER - she's a human and deserves respect too. Hours? I tune out after 15 minutes. So would she.

Use the KISS Method - Keep It Simple Silly.

Get your life in order. Get your priorities straight. Set the RIGHT example for your children. PARENT your children.

Good luck!

So you moved into his place?

If so or if you all got a new place, I think you have to realize that she lost her territory and that this move really changed the dynamic of the relationship between you and your daughter, you and your boyfriend, and your boyfriend and your daughter. This is what changed.

This is a big deal to a 10 year old. The social aspect of her lfe is now getting really unsettled, especially with girls. She needs clear defined boundaries and roles of the adults she is living with. She is trying to find her place in her social life and should not be expected to also help the adults in her life their roles at home.

I'm betting before the move your BF was a lot of fun to her. But now living with someone day in and day out is completely different. I would not expect a 10 year old to be able to verbalize the specifics of how this dynamic changed, and would bet that she feels fearful of the repercussions that would happen even if she did.

I would expect the adults (who have once been 10) to be empathetic with emotional changes that occur to a 10 year old, especially one adjusting to a new way of family life.

Please let her know she is still your number one, and that your relationship with her takes precedent over your relationship with boyfriend. Telling her to work it out on her own with him is telling her that you are no longer by her side to support her when things get tough with BF.

This living arrangement is unchartered territory for her. She needs patient, consistent, firm, boundaries, and the chance to figure this out for a period longer then 2 months.

I understand that this is also unchartered territory for you and your BF. So you all need to be patient with each other and communicate REALISTIC expectations. This is really hard and usually requires a third party and or expert to assist in a healthy blending.

A marriage certificate does not predict a happy or lasting marriage, the intent of the parties entering into the contract indicate the outcome of the marriage. But it does indicate to others the goal and status of the relationship.

Marriages break down for all kinds of reasons, but not one of them is because the parties entered into a contract of marriage. It's because they stopped working at it.

Your daughter should be your priority.

You are living with your BF and setting an example for her. If you and BF are so committed, you should be able to make the commitment for marriage.

Blended families are HARD. I come from one. My mother was more interested in her new husband and sex life than making sure we were emotionally ready for a blended family. It backfired big time and she is now divorced AGAIN and does not have a great relationship with us. We were put on a back burner, now she is on the back burner.

Take a good look at yourself and your daughter. She is soon to be a teen and teens are very hard to deal with in normal situations, much harder in a situation like you have her in now.

He has NO right to lecture or raise his voice to her. He is not her parent... YOU are.

I also suggest family counseling.

I would suggest family counseling. You will ALWAYS be in the middle, she is YOUR daughter.

She is also becoming a teenager and teens can be nasty little creatures! There is a reason why God gave us sweet smelling, beautiful babies!!! She might be feeling left out since the move in. Dating is one thing but living together is a whole different ball of wax. She is not sure where is fits in in your new blended family. Again, I would suggest family counseling.

J. M: I read your SWH and I want to say-- you were the person who described the situation to us. We responded to what you described. I don't think anyone is going to change their minds that your family needs counseling. And I get it about marriage-- my husband and I lived together for about 5 years before I became pregnant; our son was almost two when we married. That said, when people say 'boyfriend', it's easy to assume that the couple is not usually headed toward a lifelong commitment. Before we were married, my husband and I used the word 'partner' to describe each other. Please understand, we can only know what you tell us.

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May I ask, what precipitated the two of you moving in together? Are you planning on getting married? The reason I ask is because this is a huge change for your daughter and if you don't see you and your boyfriend as a 'together forever' package, your daughter won't either. And that is distressing to kids, a huge disruption in their 'norm'.

I agree with others that you should be the person doing the disciplining, not him. He can make "I" statements about her behavior, stating his feelings, but no lecturing. That's on you.

I'm also concerned that you are abdicating your own responsibility by expecting THEM to work it out on their own. That is very unfair to both of them, most especially your daughter. What sort of tools has she been given to deal with this enormous emotional upheaval? Frankly, I feel you owe your daughter WAY more consideration in this. This has got to be hard for her. Who is she receiving support from, and where? Because you walking away in your discomfort is, in a way, emotionally abandoning her. You can't handle the tension but you expect an 8 year old to? That is so wrong and unfair. She is ANGRY. You totally turned her life upside down. She's angry when she's 'late' because, really, her routine is the only consistency she is experiencing right now. You aren't giving her much to hold onto with all this change, your emotional absence in hard times, no wonder she has anxiety when the routine goes awry. This is natural. Perhaps how she expresses it isn't pleasing to you or your boyfriend, but she's been placed in the lowest position in the family all of a sudden.

As others have said, family counseling is your only answer if you want to stay in this relationship as a long-term 'forever' commitment. I say this because it's not fair to put your daughter through that work if you are just 'trying out' what might be. And your daughter needs you to step up and not just disappear when they are in a disagreement. They are not siblings squabbling, he is an adult man, still 'new' to her. As a child of divorce myself, these are some of the same dynamics which fed into a lot of damage which happened for my sibs and myself. YOU also need counseling to figure out why you expect your daughter to adjust to such a huge change and how to cope with being uncomfortable in a situation. You NEED to be there for her. Men are men-- the good ones will want to do the work, want to let you do the disciplining, will be able to handle her discomfort and anger.... I had to live with someone who sounds a lot like your boyfriend and honestly, it was 6 years of hell and never got better, only worse. So, family counseling and make a concerted effort to strengthen your own self to be able to be compassionate and understanding and empathetic for your hurting child.

He is not her father. He should not be lecturing her, or disciplining her in any other way. That is the parent's (your) job.

A child should never be subjected to live with a "boyfriend." Unless a man is willing to marry you why would you even waste your time? If nothing else require the guy to take counseling or parenting classes with you and your daughter.

" I have told both of them they need to talk and work it out and stop putting me in the middle but that talk doesn't seem to happen." Um, nope, that isn't how it works.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and find out what about your parenting skills he has such a problem with that he thinks he should discipline your daughter. I mean looking at that quote it seems like you are perfectly fine letting him do the parenting!

Once in a while my husband gets a little short with the kids, he doesn't do it because he wants to discipline them, he does it because he is frustrated with me and thinks I am letting them go down a bad path. I talk to him, I either say help remind me when I am being a lazy parent or he gets a get over it, I am fine with it and if it continues to be a problem for you, bring it to me again. Always! bring it to me! I am their parent, he is their step parent. The relationship is already hard enough without adding this to the mix.

I also want to add that perhaps she is mad at you as well letting him just take over. Most kids want and need boundaries. Sounds like you don't have boundaries for anyone.

As others have said, you need counseling.

Thanks to Elayne J for helping me notice a point I did not. You moved in with him. So he drove them to school because the bus doesn't pick up in the new house? So you took a 10 year old away from her friends and you don't think her 15 minutes to hang out with them before school might be pretty dang important to her? What else do you not notice?

She sounds like an angry, confused little girl and he sounds frustrated. Please don't get defensive about the marriage comments. Maybe that wasn't part of the question but it could be part of the answer. Maybe she wonders why he won't marry you and be her step dad. Maybe she is getting teased at school for living with mom's boyfriend. Maybe she can't figure out why she is so angry. When two single people decide to live together, who cares. No big deal. When children are involved, it becomes a REALLY big deal and their needs should come first.

I think some help in family therapy would be really beneficial.

Oh sweetie if you think "marriage doesn't matter" then you clearly don't understand the law, finances, medical care/decisions, property rights, so much more..I feel sorry for you, and your child.

The lecturing part threw me.

Who likes being lectured to for starters? Especially when it's not her dad.

I think you discipline her - not your boyfriend. I find the let them sort it out business odd too. I don't know blended families who do that.

Surely they can work on being mindful of each other and showing respect (family counseling would be good here) but it's on you to set expectations I think. You're the one common thing here. You've just added this person into your daughter's space and life. Dating him was one thing. Kids often go through periods of adjustment over moving in together.

For example I have a friend whose boyfriend moved in. Suddenly he was setting new rules for the kids (based on rules he had for his kids). Didn't go over well. It set the tone and it doesn't have to take a lot. Kids are really sensitive at that age (preteen).

Some of it might be for attention. But again, that's on you to figure out and work through.

Counseling would unravel this. It would get to the heart of what the problem is.

So that's what I would suggest. Spending a lot of one on one time with your daughter too.

Good luck :)

ETA: Thanks for your update. That clarified some things - helpful :)
Sorry - I didn't quite get what you meant by lecture. I agree if he's a big part of her life, he will be sharing life lessons, etc.
It does sound exhausting to be the go-between - to hear her side and then hear his, and have to sort things out. So I get now what you mean. I don't envy you. I haven't been in that particular position so can't really offer any suggestions.
My brother married a woman with a daughter roughly the age of yours. He comes from my family which had rules and was big on respect. His wife is very easy going and rules were much more lax. My brother and his wife came to the agreement that they would agree on rules together, go over them with the daughter (nothing too shocking but more than she was used to) and they would parent together. It works for them. In fact, when she wasn't speaking to her mother as a teen, she respected my brother.
There was a period of adjustment where the daughter tested them both.

This situation doesn't have to be so complicated. I suggest that immediately dealing with each situation as it arises will prevent the build up of intense emotions. Getting past the anger will take time.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend decide on a few general rules that apply to everyone, adults included. I'd start by requiring respect. Then decide on what this means. I suggest that clarifying what respect means and how to show respect will be a good foundation.

I don't understand why you talk separately to each of them and try to be the peace maker. Instead, I suggest you can help each one to understand.the other's point of view while all 3 of you talk together. I suggest they may need a cooling off period before starting a discussion. The first step is to insist that whatever is happening stops.

It's very easy to feel caught in the middle. Back out of that role. It is not your responsibility to make each one happy. The two of them have a relationship separate from their relationship with you. Each person.is responsible for their own relationship. Your daughter is 10 and need the adults help to learn how to get along. Refusing to be involved with her is not helpful for anyone, including him.

I suggest that an important reason for the stand off is that all of you feel powerless. Find ways to build in a sense of power for all of you. Developing guidelines/rules that everyone abides by is a start. Make each one of you responsible for their relationship with each other is crucial. You have to get out of the middle.

I suggest that, with the first rule being respectful, some of this will stop. When any one of you feels disrespected, the conversation stops. No fights to prove who is right or wrong. A firm, "this conversation is tabled until we can show respect for each other. Will we be cool about it in an hour?" Take as long as needed before opening up a discussion. Moments when emotions are strong is not the time for learning moments. It's the time to stop the verbal exchange and specifically tell children what they are to do. Learning moments are later during a calm conversation.

Along with the rules, find ways to rebuild trust. Be sure to do fun things together in which all of you have success, at least once a week. During the week focus on light caring conversations during dinner together. Perhaps play a game that your daughter enjoys. Have your daughter to choose a movie to watch together. Talk about her interests. Include her when talking about appropriate adult interests. Use humor as often as possible.

Even tho your boyfriend isn't involved in discipline, he's still responsible for his part in their relationship. If rolling her eyes irritates him, he needs an unemotional response. I suggest he say something like, "eye rolling irritates me. I'll talk with you when you stop." Then follow thru by not being involved with her. This is modeling for her a way to verbally register feelings and a possible solution.

Does your boyfriend tell her what to do? Is she reacting by refusing to do it? My goal would be that she follow his instruction and ignore the eye rolling. If you've given him the role of co-parenting, he needs a way to respond to her when he is asking something from her. He needs the authority to follow thru. I suggest he needs to be able to say something like, I'm not enjoying your company right now. Please go to your room until you can be pleasant"

Of course, you'll have had a family meeting in which all the children are involved. Tell them what the rules the two of you have decided upon and the consequences if they are not followed. Ask them for comments and suggestions. Often kids are harder on themselves than we are when they suggest consequences. Have some rules, such as those related to respect and physical safety, be non-negotiable. Let them suggest rules and consequences too. For help in deciding consequences, I suggest reading How To Parent With Love and Logic by Foster Kline and others. They show how the consequence it's self will be a learning experience.

Turning their relationship around will take time and skills unfamiliar to all of you. I suggest you have family counseling help. I also suggest you both read, How To Talk With Kids So They will Listen, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Perhaps a book on how to blend families will help.

Re your daughter making being late a huge issue. I suggest that if you'd ignored her complaint by saying, "he did the best he could. We are not going to discuss it" you would've stopped this from turning into a huge issue. As the parent and adults in the home, you are in charge. You control what is discussed and what is not and the manner in which discussions are held.

I think you took the wrong tactic when you told them they need to work it out and not put you in the middle.

You are the parent. All discipline of your child should come from you. If your husband has a problem with something she does, he should bring it to you, and you address it.

Please go to him, tell him you made a mistake. Tell him to stop lecturing her, and to let you handle all discipline.

Don't tell both of them they need to work it out. You need to back him up 100%. You need to echo that she cannot be rude.

Your boyfriend needs some power to impose a consequence. If he tells her to stop being rude, and she continues to be rude, he needs some power to enforce something, it shouldn't be up to you. You and he need to talk about what his (both of your) options are.

If he is a constant in your kids' lives, then he needs to be able to act like a parent, not sit around getting disrespected by your daughter.

A unified front is a critical component of parenting. If you and he don't figure out a way to do this now, this could get really bad when she's a teen. I've known the teen years to break up, or almost break up, relationships, my own included.

Unified front, and power for him.

So he's a father figure but he doesn't discipline?
It's kind of hard for him to be on the fence about this.
If he's a big part of her life then he gets the privileges and responsibilities that go with it.
Decide if he's husband/father material and then he gets to discipline as much as you do.
Daughter doesn't get to be disrespectful - I don't care what her reason or excuse is - puberty doesn't matter.
She needs a lot more gratitude and a whole lot less attitude.
If she starts with the eye rolling or talking trash - into her room she goes - no tv/computer/phone/games/etc.
If she doesn't like the way she gets chauffeured to school, she can get her behind on a bus and deal with that.

You need to step up and teach your daughter how to behave correctly. For starters when he drives her to school the only words that should be coming out of her mouth is "Thank you" because that's what people say when others do something for them. You as her mother need to remind her to use her manners and stop being a jerk. I get that she might not like lectures but he's trying to get her to see his point of view and if she behaved then those lectures would go away.

And for the record I never raised my voice to my children however my youngest would always tell her siblings that mom yelled at her. They were baffled by this because they'd be standing right there and I never yelled. It was the tone of my voice not the volume that set her off.

I think your daughter needs some kind of consequence when she speaks so disrespectfully. I'm not sure what to suggest, but something that will make her think about behaving better the next time. Disrespectful behavior like eye rolling...if my 12 year old were doing that often I would first tell him to cut it out, and if he didn't stop he would need to go to his room until he could be more respectful. When she ignores an adult who is speaking to her...this is also unacceptable behavior. I guess you and your boyfriend need to come up with a plan...what behavior do you choose to ignore and what behavior gets a consequence...and what that consequence will be. He needs to learn to not take it personally and to just calmly deal with her. It's hard to stay calm and not get your feelings hurt but as a parent/adult he needs to think of himself as helping to teach her to be a good person. It may take a very long time for things to sink in. I don't think you should just tell them they need to work it out...I think you need to tell your daughter, no, you do NOT treat the adults in your life this way. Don't give her the power. I love the suggestions of family counseling. We have had our son see a therapist for certain behaviors and it was EXTREMELY helpful!

ETA based on your updated info: I agree with you that being married to your boyfriend isn't the issue. This sort of thing can occur in an step-family situation and I don't know why being married is being pushed by some members here. (I do think there is some benefit to having some legal/financial protections in place, but that's not the subject of your post.)

I also think it's helpful that you clarified what you meant by "lecture" - but your original question made it sound more irritating than educational and beneficial. So I take you are your clarified viewpoint.

However, I find it interesting that you defend yourself with this: "As for me not wanting to be in the middle.." followed by a whole bunch of stuff about how you're right there, when your original post said, "stop putting me in the middle." If you want to clarify, fine, but I think it's dismissive of people who jumped on that when you're the one who put it out there.

Bottom line: stop going back and forth between them to get "sides". Please read Marda's post a few times. She makes outstanding points. By going back and forth, you are enabling the drama and not finding a resolution. There are not so many "sides" here - there is an absence of stepfamily processing and respect.

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Original answer:
She's getting used to this new situation, and now that the "honeymoon" period is over, the reality of him being in her home is setting in. She's also approaching puberty and has some hormonal stuff going on.

But he's also getting used to this situation, and he has no experience in raising children. He knows it, and she knows it.

I think you're making a mistake telling them they have to work it out. You don't want to be in the middle - but you ARE in the middle! You are the parent, and she needs to come to you for everything and know that you are going to listen and put her first. That doesn't mean she gets her way all the time, but it does mean the she has to know that she is your priority.

He lectures her? How would you like that? And how well does he think that's working out for him? Say something once, with as few words as possible, and then stop.

You have to demand that she respect him - no ignoring or not speaking to him - and you have to defuse nonsense arguments about not having more than 5 minutes before class. (If she wants to be there earlier, she can get ready earlier, set an agreed-upon departure time, explain her desire for 15 minutes, and ask what she can do to make that happen for everyone.) But he has to respect her, and that means respecting YOU as her mother. That means he needs to be willing to learn new skills that come when you are living in the house with a tween.

Try to lift yourself out of the situation at hand (who's lecturing, who's ranting about not having social time in school before the first class, etc.) and look at the big picture. Your children are learning how to conduct relationships and how to choose a mate, and they are learning how to parent - from you.

So I think you should take your daughter at her word, that is is serious stuff - and get the family into counseling. That will show her you think it's serious, and that you are committed to rectifying it. And everyone in counseling will learn new skills, new ways to communicate, new ways to compromise. Don't let her get the impression that SHE has a problem so SHE is going to counseling - rather, this family needs assistance, and it's no different than going to the doctor when your body needs help in preventing or recovering from an illness, going to a teacher when you need extra help, or hiring a plumber when you need help with pipes. When things are beyond your expertise, you go get help.

You are the mother, take away privileges unless she can be respectful. When my sons are disrespectful they lose their phones, computer, video games, ect. What is her currency? The thing she does not want to give up?