Life Help - (Very Long)

Talk to her and explain toher that a child dosent learn by being slaped in the face they learn by time outs and loss of some privledges see if che can learn if not you may have to move on good luck ihave been married 61 years andd have 4 adults children and 7 grand children A. no hills

I have a very smart 9 year old, and he hasn't acted that way for about 2 years...we had to be really tough on him, terms of boundaries and consequences.
Maybe your troubled relationship is contributing to your child's attitude? Try asking him how he feels about it. Maybe he knows this person wants to slap him. Maybe it is mutual...

Anyway, always be consistent. A child will fight to get his way as long as he thinks he can get it. You have to be clear and consistent where the boundaries are and not waver. No discussion or negotiation.
Change the rules and stick to it, and he'll get it, over some time.

I used to tell my kid that I understood what he thought and what he wanted but that he had to accept that he was not an adult. I said when he was an adult and had a job and money, and his own place to live, he could make his own choices about XY and Z, but now we are the adults who are making decisions about what is best for him. Teaching him how to live in a good healthy, educated way and get along with people is our job, and we are going to do our job. Children are not in charge. There is too much stuff that children don't know or understand because they just haven't lived long enough or had enough experience. Period.

Hey H.! I would have a sit-down with your partner and explain that you really appreciate her help with your son and all that she does for ythe family. Tell her that she is right, that you do realize that youyr sons behavior needs some work. Then ask for some room to parent your own way, not her way, even if that means slower or less drastic than she would react. Explain that your feeling judged with each interaction with your son, and that isn't helping with any of the relationships in the house. I would reassure her that you love her and are committed to this family but that you need the trust to parent YOUR way. And then Miss H., you need to make sure you follow through with your words. You don't have to slap him, but you do need to be very quick with your punishment, and it has to be each and every time. Whether it be a quarter for everytime he backtalks or having to sit on his bed for 10 minutes the first time, 20 the second time etc. (My daughter earned a whole afternoon and evening and she didn't try that again for a long time) or whether it be immediate chore work, like pulling weeds or scrubbing toilets, you have to discipline everytime, and eventually, he will stop. It isn't picking on him, its giving him boundaries, and if wants to keep crossing them, you will have a very clean house. I'm not into long term punishments myself, and I too have a sassy kid, so I feel your pain. Good luck and I hope this helps a bit!

I have not read all the responses and it's clear that what I did read that not everyone understands your family situation. With that said, I would like share my own thoughts. I hope you don't mind. First, it sounds as though you've been with your partner for years and would be married if you could do so legally. So, you should act as if that is the case...in your minds you are married and your son is her stepson (although not legally). Next, I think you and your partner should talk about parenting your son as a team. All parents have different parenting styles and if you come to an agreement, then you will have more strength as a team and can ensure consistency. That, to me, means your partner will have to agree parenting in a style that does not involve physical discipline, yelling or demeaning. She will need to find a means to parent in a way that encourages respect and not fear. (It sounds like she has room to grow as a parent just as much as you do.) You will need to find the strength to expect respect from your son, which means you will need to address his behavior immediately each time he treats you poorly. Finally, there are many ways you can address your son's behavior. Many books were suggested to help. I have different ideas, but each child is different. You'll have to find a method that works with your son. However, if you and your partner disagree with how a situation was handled, it is important to discuss it out of earshot of your son. You and your partner have a huge opportunity to model positive relationships as any parent team does. And, it's my opinion you need to nip your son's behavior in the bud now so the stage isn't set for much worse when he reaches his teenage years. Good luck!

You do NOT relinquish your role as your child's mother via discipline to someone else, in an effort to save your relationship with your partner. That is for sure. If you do this, you will permanently destroy your relationship with your son AND you will risk social services taking your son away and putting him into foster care.

Think about it. What if eventually you feel her ideas are not working, on how to discipline your son? Do you take back your position and think you can also keep your relationship intact? You can't. You will build resentment and the 3 of you will not be able to live together peacefully, if at all. Also, does your partner resent the existence of your son? Does she treat her other kids better than yours and do you see them being hit?

I was a child in this exact situation. My mother's boyfriend thought I and my 12 year old brother were disrespectful to our mother (we were), so over time she allowed him to hit us and discipline us. It DID NOT WORK. We felt betrayed by our mother who we had the bond with long before this boyfriend came along. He grew violent and was quite resentful of our presence, which I do believe now as a 43 year old looking back at when I was 14, that was the real root of the problem. Long story short, social services DID come along after one particularly bad hitting session where the boyfriend was hitting my brother while my mom was on a business trip (we were all living with him). The police removed us from the house and she lost custody of us and the bf got a restraining order against him. My mother married him while the order was active, and it permanently destroyed her relationship with me. HERE'S the KICKER: YOUR SON'S RELATIONSHIP W/YOU WILL LAST LONGER THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP W/YOUR PARTNER. One day your partner will be gone, but your son will always be your son. You need to preserve it. Talk to your son and find out what he feels he needs to be happy..and try to listen to him. 8 years old is actually a bit young to go through such a defiant stage. It gets worse when they are young teens. You will need to work alone on your relationship with your son to see what is going on and figure out why this is happening. I do not recommend hitting him. It will only get worse from there.

Good luck.

Hi H., I also have an 8 yr old son who is stubborn and talks disrespectfully to me at times and he can be a bully to his little brother. Your relationship w/ your son sounds like mine. Some things that came to mind when I read your post, and things that we're trying are:
1. the book "How to talk to your kid, and how to listen so your kid will talk" not sure of the exact title. Some of the concepts in here work for talking with adults too. basically recognizing their feelings first, then saying "I feel this way when this happens". NOT "you make me feel this or you do this wrong". this is the age where kids develop empathy so maybe helping him see that his actions hurt your feelings would make him more aware of his words
2. reading books where characters are hurt by words and discussing the characters feelings. "how did that make him feel? what should she have said?"
3. Saying "I feel like you don't respect me right now so you need to go to your room until you are ready to act respectfully"
4. Sometimes you might have to walk away. Don't give into arguing or lecturing, kids learn to tune you out. He will hopefully learn that if he wants your attention he will not get it by acting out.
5. is he trying to tell you something? Does he need more positive
attention? more one on one time with you? try to catch him being good.
About your relationship w/ your partner...maybe you need some counseling or mediation. sometimes its hard to work it out on your own when there are strong feelings involved. my husband can also be judgmental and blame me for the way our kids act so i know how hard that can be. but your son should come first and you need to follow your heart. i believe that families are the place where we learn to deal with conflict, compromise and love each other despite differences/ disagreements. so trying to work things out would be my advice and hopefully you'll all come out stronger in the end.
Good luck!
A.

I think if you want to make your relationship happier, counseling would be a great thing for you guys. You sould see someone who specializes in step/blended families, since that is essentially what you are. Are your partner's kids in the house also? Are you guys responsible for disciplining your own kids but not each other's? It doesn't sound like that is working. Lots of marriages with 2 biological parents face this same situation- one parent is a spanker or is stricter, and one is not or is very laid back. They have to come to an agreement on how they are going to raise thier children together. It seems like you guys need to do this too. If this has been your family for most of your son's life, then it is time for the "yours/mine" to go away and become "ours". If you are committed to this person, then you need to raise your children together. Not as a roommate situation like the other poster mentioned.

If you are not comfortable with smacking, that is fine, you don't have to compromise on that. But you do need to be more of a disciplinarian to him. She needs to compromise on not smacking and constructively helping you to figure out how to be more authoritative. How you guys work that out is what you need to figure out. But I think you guys should be equal parents, you are in it together. Coming to an agreement with each other will make your home life much happier, and you will be better able to deal with the next fun stage one of your kids goes through.

Your partner has a good idea, when I was a kid my mom would slap me in the face if I back talked to her. It works. you want to be a parent to him not a friend. Kids needs stability and knowing that you are easy to walk over isn't helping your relationship. Your partner wants to try and be a parent but its hard for that to happen when ones pulling one way and your pulling another way. Come to some common ground with you and your partner, this will also help your relationship. Also try sitting down with your partner and talking things out and brain storming on what you guys can do. :) best of luck to you and your partner.

Hi H., while I am by far an expert of a partner type situation, there is usually one disciplinary parent and one nurturing parent. I think that is what your partner is trying to do is be the disciplinary. It sounds like you will not allow it. I am not saying a slap in the face is in order, but your partner is saying the kid needs a bit more discipline, nothing wrong with that.

Is this a roommate situation or a family situation? Treat it as such.

perhaps see a counselor? do you hug and love him a lot or are u treating him like a little adult? perhaps he needs some babying? If i were in the situation i think i would try to hug him and explain why its so frustrating and give examples..i might seek counseling..it sucks that your partner thinks you should just slap him in the face...try doing the opposite...i have a 4 year old so i don't have experience with an 8 year old but my son can be a wild man..and i usually hug things out and calm things down..its made him a better little boy.
good luck

dd

Hi H.,

My marriage counselor advised us to get this book called P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training. This has been a life saver in our marriage as well as a method of raising our son. its focus is to teach parents how to communicate with their kids (and each other). its key points are:
how to avoid being a permissive parent
how to listen so kids will talk to you and and talk so kids will listen
how to teach our children to "own" their problems and to solve them
how to use the "no-loose" method to resolve conflicts

in an effort to not sound like an ad for this book, it has helped my communication with my husband. We each feel heard, understood and respected.
http://www.gordontraining.com/parentingclass.html

I don't believe in hitting children as a means of discipline and i don't want to be walked on in the process. it sounds like you feel the same. Even if you don't get the book at least look at the website. all my love goes out to you and may God bless your home,
M.

This is a serious issue. You should go after professional help....counselor. For your family. Not advise. Good Luck

Sounds like your in a relationship where she has been reprimanded this way or reprimands her own this way. This is not good. He is an 8 yrs old child that no doubt his hormones are changing, he's hearing alot at school, friends etc. He wants to be the "cool kid" to. This is not unusual.
Walking out of this relationship isn't good either, it sounds like you have it together other than disciplining your child. Try sitting and talking with your son and tell him his behavior is unacceptable that it hurts you and others. He should be able to comprehend this. Make sure that this talk is between you and him in privacy, whether you have to take him out or talk with him in a private setting. Let him know that if he keeps it up it will only cause him a problem as he gets older and he could find himself where he doesn't want to be. i.e. Police involvement. Let him know how much you care and love him (you can't stress this enough). Let him know that when he's with his friends he can say what he wants but around his elders' it is not acceptable.
You can't go around smacking a kid either. That just teaches them that its okay and on and on it goes. Thats a losing battle. Then when he has his own he'll do the same thing. Its a vicious cycle.
All children his age goes through this. I have a grandchild who is now 11 but about 2 yrs. ago he wouldn't think twice about saying f***y***. I explained to him how wrong it was, if he's around friends and they talk like that fine, just don't talk like that around me. I love you dearly but if you keep it up I just won't have you over. It worked!!
Like I said have a chat with him, don't ever let your child be on your level. You are the parent and he should show respect. If you have been allowing it, this may take a little longer. Like I said, let him know you care about him, he can come to you at any time and that you love him. "Love" is important to any child(ren). Mean what you say and say what you mean!!
I wish you good luck and again, keep your hands off! It only teaches him bad habits!! Do you want him when he's grown and has child(ren) to hit them, of course not, so why do it to him. Especially slapping in the mouth.
I wish you the best of luck and keep in touch.

Handinhandparenting.org they teach the type of parenting you seem to desire.

Find a good home group in a church near you.

Hello! I feel your pain :)
First of all if it is respect you want with your child, you are not on the right path. Being respectful also means to choose your words kindly. Smarting off and talking back is not respectful and trust me, he is only 8. it is only going to get worse when he gets older. I know, because I have a 10 year old (going on 30).
I had to change my parenting strategy with my son a bit. The simple stuff does not work with the big kids. He is just too smart. I have 3 more that are younger and time out works great until they are 7 or so.

It is so important that he learns that he is not the "little king" in the house. To lead a successful and happy life one must be able to adapt to rules and respect other people and their space. One MUST be able to yield to others and be ok with it. I assume since he is your only child you have catered to him until now. It did not matter to you, he is the only one that had a need and you molded your life around him because you love him and you wanted him to be happy....the weird thing is that kids don't get that. Instead of appreciating what you do and loving you even more, they learn that their need is to be met always and start to expect to be treated this way everywhere. It frustrates them to no end if you change your tune and something does not go the way they are used to. It makes them very angry. Coping with "no" or "not right now" must be learned.
SO
it is high time to set a few boundries. You are lucky, he is only 8!!

First of all, you ( -and your partner) are the parent(s )and you call the shots.
This is not a friendship, this is a parent/child relationship.

Second, talking back, making rude comments, walking out or smarting off - is rude and not acceptable.

Thirdly, hitting, destroying stuff hurting the other kids or animals is also not acceptable.

And your work needs to be done in a careful matter ( homework, music lessons house chores etc)

Talk these things over with your child so he understands what is expected from him. Tell him that bad behavior has consequences. Every time he steps out of line you will make a note, every day he is complying to the rules he gets a star ( -on a chart or wherever is convenient for you) and make the number of stars/notes directly affect something he likes to do ( 3 stars = 1 hour of video games? tv? computer time?).

I had to install a system like this with my boy and it works great. It took a while until he understood that I will not give in. I had a sulking boy sitting in the corner for a couple of days - but he shaped up real fast.
lego indiana jones game! YAY!

I really like this chart system because it helps me to stay calm in edgy situations. I don't have to yell or punish him right then and there when I am angry at his mouthy response ( -which does not work anyway) I just hand out a note. He keeps going I give him another. The punishment comes with knowing that now he won't be able to play his game later.

He has now grasped the concept that if you want something you got to work for it. He understands cause and effect of his behavior and in the mean time he practices being nice and polite.
we all win!!
lol

This system ONLY works if it is done in a very loving and consistent basis!!

This brings me to your adult relationship. NO ONE should ever ever hit a child. It teaches him the absolute opposite of what you want him to learn.
But:
She is just frustrated and has not experienced living with a little king. She probably feels threatened by his status with you, and it drives her crazy to be disrepected like that. I totally understand!! But if you love her give her time. Don't throw away a thing that is good for you. You have been changing your life to please your child. That is not right, and not healthy for your child!

Here you have a perfect chance to teach him that you are the parent, you chose this woman to be your partner, you love her and your child needs to accept this. You can teach him ( lovingly) that a man will protect his wife(woman) from anything - even smart mouthy little kids.

You both need to be kind and firm with him. No yelling, hitting, or fighting.
Your child will respect her when he understands that you are standing by her side. And that you always want the best for him too!

good luck! you got your work cut out for you!!
-C.

...email me if you have any questions:)

This is on you. You need to be the parent, not the friend. With how frustrated you are, she must feel exactly the same. being lenient obviously is not working. You need a new approach.

In response to your questions, it's hard to tell who is actually asking, the name says H. but it sounds like a man's request. Talking back needs to be nipped in the bud, I don't know your age, but I'm 53 and in my day if you even looked liked you were going to talk back or be rude, you were picking yourself up from the other side of the room. By no means am i saying that is the answer, but I will say this, the lack of firm parenting are producing some behavior that my kids never displayed, kids are rudder and have a lack of respect for authority more so now than even before. At no time should you and your son be on the same equal playing field. Your partner and you need counceling, you refere to this person as your partner, that doesn't sound like love, it sounds more like an arrangement. why are you guys not married with all these kids? That may be an issue in itself. Her saying to slap him in the face may be said how of frustration, is that how she disciplines her children? and do any of her talk back like your son? if not maybe she is doing something right. But in any case if you both are on sepreate pages, you will never have a happy house hold. J.

PS Reading some of the responses validates what i told you about the lack of firm parenting today.

There is a great book I used on my kids when they were younger and think would be especially helpful with your son since his still only 8. It seems pretty simple but I think you might really like the ideas behind the book. It eliminates much of the fighting with your child. It's a super easy read and many of my friends have had success with this book as well. It's called "123 Magic". You deal with negative behaviour immediately and without anger. I think this book might be very effective for you and your child! And if so, maybe your partner will also see there is an alternative way of disciplining that doesn't involve slapping your child. If you are parenting your children together, it's important that you both find a way to do so that you can both feel good about. But remember that doesn't mean that you have to do so in exactly the same manner. Consistency IS important but parents often have slightly varying ways of handling the situtation. You need to support each other on whatever method is being used. If my dh doles out a punishement (usually grounding), my kids know that HE is the one who can decide when it is over. So, don't ask ME if they can "get off" early. LOL :-P I'm not going to undermine his authority.

I think one of the hardest things about being a Mom is that you don't have to be your child's friend. You are NOT on equal ground. You are an adult and his mother. Having said that, there is no reason that you can't have a good relationship with your child where you both actually like and respect each other and enjoy spending time together. :-) I have always believed that children need boundries. Those boundries stretch and grow as your child grows. It's about treating your child with respect so that he learns how to treat YOU (and others) with the same respect. And, believe me, when your child is a teenager it'll be much easier on you if he is used to you setting boundries so you can rein him in a bit. My oldest son is always trying to push the limit but because he is used to us and our "rules", he never gives us too much of a hard time when we lay down our expectations. He may complain about not being able to stay out as late as he'd like, etc. but deep down, I think he appreciates knowing what his boundries are. He feels safer and more confident. :-) . Good luck!

I think that you have answered your own question in your post. Do you really want to stay with a man whose response is to slap a kid in the face? That is why you date to see if you are a good fit or not. As you may love this man, or feel that you love him for now, is he right and will the relationship work if you have doubts about how he handles things verses how you handle things? You need to be on the same page. A child is always gonna be a downfall in a relationship with a man who is not the father because he will never feel the same way about the kid as you do. It takes a very special man to deal with someone elses kid and to put up with all the baggage that comes with it, and I am not sure there are that many out there to chose from. If you child is that bad, you really need to get a handle on him or he will really disrespect you the older he gets and 16 to 20 are very difficult ages for boys and mammas. But sounds like you know what needs to be done and how to handle that yourself and for your sake I hope you are right because I raised 3 boys and it isn't easy nor was it always fun and as they got older it was less fun. Unfortunately for me they have followed in my footsteps and allowed their dad to control and manipulate their minds so they do not speak to me any longer nor have they spoken to me in 3 yrs. So please get a grip on the respect issue NOW before it is too late.
Now about the boyfriend. He is apparently not respecting you either if he doesn't have faith that you know what you are doing as a mother and as a disciplinarian. You really don't want your son to grow up and resent you for allowing this man to be in control (the wrong way) because you will end up just like me. My children resent me for allowing their dad to run over me and treat me the way he did without me taking a stand for myself. I was weak, they saw it, and they do not respect that, therefore they have allowed him to control and manipulate them as well because they never saw me as strong.
Do yourself a favor, raise your child right, the way you see fit and don't throw and jerk into his life. You have plenty of time to find Mr. Right that will respect your methods of motherhood and who will be a good and respectful dad of your son.

My son is also much like yours. I would suggest telling your partner that you know you need to work on this and are trying but it will take time. Read some of the books suggested and as you implement changes explain to your partner what you are doing and why. Remember to show both your son and partner when you see changes for the better. This won't change overnight but if you can acknowledge small steps in the right direction your partner may agree that things are looking up. Good luck. Another book I loved was Have a New Kid by Friday. Sounds corny but it was good and an easy read. It was very easy to put into place quickly, not that the changes occured quickly but I was able to see small improvements quickly. One thing to always keep in mind is that you are raising your child not for today but for the future. They need to be held accountable for their actions and behaviors or you might make their lives more difficult later on. Good luck!

Well, you seem very connected with your son, which is most improtant here. Its good to hear you're not going to slap your son in his face. That is HORRIBLE advice! I cant believe your partner would even suggest that. It makes me wonder how he treats your son otherwise? Is there love shared between your partner and your son? Maybe this is the reason your son is acting out. Just a thought...

I believe the sole reason you are having trouble in your relationship is because of the lack of parenting that she sees in you. Yes, she doesn't have that blood connection that you and your son have--but she is responding how most other adults would--"get that kid under control." I hope you can see where she is coming from.

You do need to have strict boundaries with your son. It sounds to me like you had it so easy with a good boy when he was really little, now that he's trying to grow up a bit, it has been hard for you to adjust to his needs. He NEEDS you to have boundaries and guidelines! Remember he is only 8--YOU know best. You must stand your ground. If he is so smart, he must have gotten it from somewhere! :-) I would suggest talking with his teachers, or counselors at school to give you tips/tools on parenting the right way (or a book suggestion), or even to a therapist together and alone, so you and he can grow up together in a calm, peaceful environment, where everyone knows what their role in the family is.

When you and your son have a moment to talk, when there is no fight hanging over your heads, have a talk with him about what you need HIM to do for YOU. This talk would be about your expectations for him, and if he does not follow your expectations, what he can expect to be disciplined with. Chores, homework, etc. can be the beginning of setting boundaries, because if he doesn't do them, you can follow through with discipline. For example, if he procrastinates on some chores one day, and you have reminded him a couple of times (no nagging), and he still has not completed them by dinner, he doesn't get dinner, until they are complete. Believe me, if he is a normal growing boy, he'll want dinner!

Taking away something for a month is obviously going to make him forget that he even had the thing at this age! If he has a certain routine that he enjoys, taking away the thing that he wants to do right now will be more effective.

I can't stress this enough, when fights or disciplinary issues come up, handle it as calmly as you can, but do not waver. Do not even waver in your facial expression. Let him know you mean business. THEN when all the drama is over, a few hours later when everyone has calmed down, and you get him to do whatever it is that he needs to do--then you need to sit down with him, show him love and attention, restore the relationship, but also DISCUSS what happened earlier. Talk about the reasons behind your decisions, and let him speak about his feelings, too. Depending how much he likes to talk, this could be a very short session, but you can at least show him that your discipline strategies never means that you love him less. You love him so much that you want him to grow up to be a responsible, good man in the world someday! Think about what kind of man you want him to be towards his future spouse someday!

Firstly, you need to do what you feel is right for you. (Don't stay if you feel it's wrong) Your child is going to always be #1. A relationship is working together and also involves parenting your son together. So maybe if you set some new ground rules together that everyone follows, then there might not be negative things thrown back at you.
Just an example, make the punishment fit the crime. Talking back = writing 25x I will respect my mother with nice words. That way you both feel a punishment was given and no one was spanked.
When my son (5) disrespects me around my husband...he does not like that at all and tells my son that he will not talk to his mother that way. I know my husband does that because he cares for me and my son knows how to respect my husband and me.
Good Luck