Birthday Party Gone Bad

Next year - leave the bio Father out of any celebrations. I would be upset too... but it being me - I'd have most likely NOT invited the man anyways.

i am sorry your ex did his best to screw up his son's birthday. and i'm really sorry that you let him. i can tell this still pains you deeply and your pain was why you reacted that way, so please know that i'm not trying to hurt you even more. but you chose to react the way you did and make this party about "YOU" (you even say, "it was MY party") and not your son. so yes, your son didn't get a birthday party. he got a brawl. maybe this can be learning experience. i know it's not easy - but my mother went through about the ugliest divorce i have ever seen (i myself have not been divorced) and she handled it with grace, ALWAYS thinking of us kids, not her pride or her hurt feelings. i hope that if i ever go through the same that she will be my example. it ISN'T about you, but you made it about you and your hurt feelings. maybe next time call a sister or close friend and have them take over until you can compose yourself. you have every right to be upset. it's just unfortunate that you let it get the better of you. good luck and hang in there. i know you love your boy and you're doing your best. it will get better. you just have to make it about him. always.

I haven't read the other replies, so my apologies if I'm repeating.

You made this day about you. "It was MY party". "it was MY party for my son". "it hurt me so much I barely took any pictures".

I understand that your ex hurt you, and made you feel miserable, but you forgot the most important thing: This day was about your son, not you. This wasn't your party, it was your son's party. You were throwing it, but it was for HIM.

Although it would have been difficult there was no reason why you couldn't be upset with your ex, growl into the phone that you two would talk about it later, and then act like everything was fine for you son's sake. My mother used to call this "putting on your plastic face". It means making a good show of it, because someone needs you to.

Taking no pictures won't erase the day. I always make sure to take a lot of photos, even if I'm feeling crappy. Yes, maybe looking at them later in life will make me sad and remind me of what happened. But it might not be that way for everyone else involved, and maybe your son wants to look back someday at his birthday party at the nature center.

That said (and I know I'm being harsh, and I do apologize for that), I really would make an effort to include your ex's daughter in things. She IS your son's half sister, and you don't want him feeling like he isn't "allowed" to love her. I realize that what the child represents hurts you and that there is NO way to not have that happen, but for your son's sake, he should be allowed to know his sister. Clearly your ex isn't going to make it happen. Inviting the little girl to your son's birthday next year, and perhaps a play date or two, would be a healing thing for your son, who should get to know his little sister.

I am sorry that the day went so badly. If I were you, I would hug my son and tell him how sorry I was. Explain to him that even adults have tantrums sometimes, and it isn't becoming when an adult does it, just like it isn't when a child does. Tell him you and him will do something special to make up for the bum deal he got for his birthday. And then DO IT. Don't promise to, but actually do something for him. Maybe go somewhere he loves (the zoo, the museum, the library, anywhere!) and go to a fancy restaurant and just order dessert.

Also remember that children are fairly resilient. He'll bounce back from one screwed up birthday. :)

Sending hugs your way, and here's hoping things get better.

Ok, first of all, it wasn't YOUR party, it was your SON'S party. You chose your reaction and decided to scream and yell at your ex over this, thus resulting in you not having a good time. I know it sucks he doesn't spend much time with his son, but was it really that big of a deal he brought his daughter along, or did you just find this a reason to be upset? And honestly, it was only ten extra dollars, that it cost you. Hardly enough to be upset about.

I think you owe your son an appology if he really did see you guys blowing up at each other. You own your actions and right now all you can do, is let your son know how bad you feel for your actions.

Dear E.-

First of all...I want to send big cyber hugs. Your situation 'might' have been mine recently. The difference is, in large part, because I brought my fear and anxiety HERE to the forum...and every parent here 'set me straight' before the event. I managed to attend...participate...make it all about my son and his proud day.

There will be many more events in the future that involve my ex...and my hope is that I will attend them all proudly...with MY head held high...and proud of the people my children are becoming.

NEXT time...(and there will be many next times for your son)...vent here BEFORE the event...let some of the mama's here 'help' you re focus on your son...that is where the attention belongs after all...and I promise, you will feel SO proud...not only of your son...but more importantly, proud of yourself for 'rising above the scum' (words chosen CAREFULLY!! lol)

There is always a better view from the 'high road'...(I have taken both routes myself )

The view is great!!

Best luck!
Michele/cat

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It is a shame that your son's birthday went this way. It is not disrespectful to bring the girl (your son's sister) to the party...it was disrespectful in how she was conceived and in not telling you she was coming sooner. As you already stated, it is not her fault ans she is as innocent as your son is. She should be invited to your son's party (he is her brother). I understand that it must feel like a slap in the face when you see this child but she is a child and the two kids are siblings. Your issue is/should be with your ex. You don't say how old she is but obviously, your feelings are still quite raw where he is concerned. Work through this for you and your son's own good. You both deserve better.

I think your biggest issues are with the timing of his announcement that she coming AND how the two adults behaved and of course your issues with him personally. You can't change how you acted but you can apologize to your son and be prepared now for how to handle this going foward. You can also try to work through your emotions sooner rather than later.

When I have had parties at locations that charge per child, I always provided a list of kids who were invited. Anyone extra had to be paid for by the adult bringing them or be approved by me. This could have saved you the money but still allowed her to attend.

I think its sad that your son had to deal with this. Its not his fault. I know the situation sucks, but you could have just grinned and bared it and not make your son feel bad. Why not next time, not invite his dad, he can have his own party for him. I would try to shelter your son from your feelings as much as possible.

I agree your ex was being a jerk. That being said, sometimes as parents we need to suck it up and do what is best for our kids. You freaking out on your kids birthday was not the best way to handle the situation.

Apologize to your son. Tell him you wished the day would have gone differently and schedule a special day for you and him to spend together doing something he loves.

We all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them so they are not repeated.

well, I can see where him being an inconsiderate jackass would make it more uncomfortable, but it seems like you already knew he was one. I would suggest in the future you each have your own party for him, which is what my brother and his ex do, so they dont have to see each other any more than they have to. (of course, they're a couple of self-absorbed idiots anyway, so they aren't the best example of healthy co-parenting, but at least they aren't making birthdays any more uncomfortable than they have to be)

Things are never going to go exactly as we want them to in life. Some people can naturally roll with "the punches" and other people need time to adapt. The difficulty for you was that you need a little time to adapt to a sudden change and your ex didn't give you any. In a situation like that you need to give yourself a private time out to think through the possible reactions you could have. Obviously when your ex called you he was already on the way with the sis. Maybe he had to bring her or maybe she had a fit when she found out he was going to a party and he can't say no to her, though his reasons are a moot point here. While his actions were rude, your reaction to the rudeness spoke more to your deeper personal pain than to his actual actions. Obviously you have a lot of issues related to the divorce and to your expectations of him as a father. I hope that you are getting some professional counseling outside of this forum. Hugs to you, be strong and get some counseling. As other people have said, you can't change him but you can certainly improve how you react.

Ok... Unfortunately you can't get a "do over", you can only move forward from where you are.

You are still very hurt and angry at your ex, which is why your anger exploded uncontrollably. The first things you need to do is admit to yoursel that you are still angry and allow yourself to still feel hurt--otherwise it festers and your become bitter, until a time that your ex does something that makes you erupt.

Second, promise yourself that this was the last time negative feelings towards your ex will ruin an event for your son. And keep that promise. Don't forget about what happened--because you need to use the memory of what happened as a reminder the next holiday or birthday that your son has. You've got to squeeze any positive aspect from it and use it to make you stronger, better.

Third, stop beating yourself up. You are still learning how to be a divorced mother with an assh0le ex--Some days are gonna suck. As I said above, make sure this was the last he'll ever see/hear of it. Luckily, five year olds don't remember details well. As he gets older, his recollection abilities will sharpen; but luckily, his memory of it won't be sharp at age 5--after all, how much do you remember from age 5? Bits and pieces maybe, but probably not much.

And fourth, if you cannot trust yourself to control possible anger at your ex, then don't put yourself in the same situation. This is part of allowing yourself to be honest about your anger.

I totally get it. I could not imagine my sons having siblings that were nothing to do with me. It would cause turmoil inside me. I see what the other ladies here are saying about not being upset, or making it about you, but what I think they are discounting is the strength of human feelings and emotion. Even though we know the rational, mature way we should act, it is actually part of the human condition to be subject to the tides of our feelings, whether we are mommies or children. Put this down to experience, be extra loving to your son (maybe take him out for a special mommy and son birthday treat - just the two of you), and give yourself a break. You are an imperfect human, as are we all.

I am sorry that you can't do the party over again. I would instead take the time to change a few things. 1. You can't change him---stop trying to change him! adjust your reactions to him to suit you---2. The birthday party is for your SON. Its not your party and you should have his best interest and needs first at all times.3. Don't let other people ruin your son's party. You can choose not to scream and fight. You can choose to behave like an adult. I think you learned your lesson and hopefully you can make it up to your son by doing a little family party or have a friend come over for a sleepover party etc. Make a special evening, all about him. Tell him you are sorry that both you and your ex didn't act like grownups. Don't beat yourself up about it anymore, its done. Just move on and move forward now. GL!

M

I understand where you are coming from, a father who isn't a father, a child who's conception reminds you of the betrayal of the father, a birthday party thrown off the track by unplanned guests.. yep, that would cause some stress. Honestly though, the biggest sentence I noticed was "It was MY party". I disagree, you may be the host of it, but it was your SON'S party. For his sake he shouldn't have had to witness any fights between his dad and you. You can't control what his dad does but you could have handled it with more tact then you did. The important person is your son and had you just told dad "ok, no problem" there wouldn't have been fights, there wouldn't have been tears and your son's party wouldn't have been so hard. It is his sister and even though she came at a time where it hurt you, it wasn't her fault and shouldn't be shuned in your son's life. He should get to know her. I take it that dad doesn't take your son for visitations.. why not? Is it his choice or yours? Dad's aren't just for birthday parties, they are for guidence, love and support every day. In divoriced families they are limited in time to visitation rights, sadly enough. For your son's sake, please put behind you the betrayal and the hurt and start living for now with him. When you are a parent, it isn't about "you" any longer, it is about your children, a lesson your ex should learn. Next time, take the high road and just say "no problem" and you will find there won't be one.

I'm sorry. We've all reacted to things in ways that really left us kicking ourselves, haven't we? I would pull your son aside and say "Listen, I'm sorry that I flipped out before your party. I just wanted everything to be perfect and couldn't take the surprise well at that moment. I was stressing out trying to be perfect, and I sure blew that, didn't I?" Then give him a hug and leave it at that. Don't go into the details like what your feelings towards the girl would be (because whether it's right or wrong, I'd probably be upset when I saw her), or that you feel the ex is putting her above your son or whatever. Don't go there. Just suck it up, say sorry and that you were flipping out because you wanted everything to go well and that you will try to go with the flow better from now on. That will bring closure to it as well as teach your son that yes mommy makes mistakes just like everyone else, but is big enough to admit it and say sorry---that's an important lesson, actually. It will build trust in later years. On the other hand, I will say this: I used to babysit a few guys when they were 6. All 3 of these boys are now ages 8-12. None of these boys can tell you much about their 6th birthday party. It's going to be ok in the long run.
NEXT: Honestly, I would phone up my ex and say "Your daughter was well behaved, she's a good girl. HOWEVER--your choice to bring her along without talking to me about it was not respectful to me, considering our past. I see you have decided to try to bring her into your son's life. But is he going to her parties? Did you think about the fact that it might be uncomfortable for him---a child's view of it could be "here's the kid dad likes better and stays with, since he's left and isn't hanging out with me anymore". Was a birthday party really the best time to bring that feeling up, or could he be the star on his own day? And if you want to be equal parent, then pay for the extra child at the MINIMUM, and paying for half of the party would be better". Don't get sucked into a fight. If necessary, right out a script and stick to the script only, just to keep from fighting. If he responds to this positively, good. If he does NOT respond positively, then your next party should be just friends/family that you WANT there, don't invite him or even tell him when it is (just have it on a weekend right before his birthday or whatever), and have fun without him. Then he can have a day to see his dad if his dad makes arrangements to go take him to get an icecream or whatever he chooses to do. That would be my advice at least.
My dad cheated on my mom, left us all for her, made his stupid choices. My WHOLE LIFE I begged and begged my dad for a horse (my friend's parents owned a boarding stable so not having enough land wasn't really an excuse in my eyes). I never got riding lessons, I never got a horse. But then towards the end of summer right before college started, my dad realized he was going to have to pay child support ($2k/month) and insurance for me if I went to school, so he took my college money and bought his gf (who we didn't know yet) a ranch with horses before the divorce went through. That way the money was "gone" so it didn't have to be split during the divorce, I didn't go to school since the funds were suddenly not there, but too late for getting financial aid, and he was able to claim a loss on his taxes since it was a "business" that wasn't really making money. Three months after the divorce went through, they were married. A few years later, they sold the ranch and the other woman's favorite horse was too old to sell and know for sure it was going to a good home, so they GAVE it to my mom for free. (Mom loves animals). I hated that horse, even though I'd always wanted one. It was HERS. It was something they did with my college money, to keep from paying my mom while I was in school. It hurt me to see that horse. I would never ever treat him badly because obviously it's not his fault, but it hurt me to see him. They later adopted a baby (and that woman wanted to name her MY NAME---ARE YOU KIDDING?), and I don't like her. She's just a 7 year old kid now, but I hate that she is treated sooooooo much better than us. My mom had to pull teeth to get him to let us have pizza and 3 friends over for a slumber party and renting movies for our birthdays, yet this kid has "___ fest" (her name-fest---the actual name of her birthday): last one, they had 45 kids, plus adults, they rented 2 big bounce houses, hired a couple princess to walk around, pony rides, a balloon artist, face painting, a magician show by a clown, bbq'd for everyone, the decorations were ridiculous...you get the idea. Not only did he forget to give a present or even a card for my son's birthday that year, he flat forgot it. I called him 10 days later to ask if all was ok and he said "yeah, why?" and I said "Well, I thought something might be wrong since you still haven't called to say happy birthday to Joe and it was 10 days ago...I thought after __ fest that birthdays were special now". It is NOT right to dislike a kid because of who/what the father is.....but dang, it's hard to like her. All that mess to say this: I understand being upset and I understand that you have pain. It would be kinda weird if you didn't, but it's time to let that go and just be the best mom you can be. Good luck!

wow why do you give your ex so much power? i know its tough-been there did that...however you need to set up some serious boundaries with you ex..stop inviting him-he can give your son his own bday parties-xmas etc.in the future i suggest you just suck it up for your sons sake-you can have private breakdowns-you kept saying MY PARTY...really? thought it was your sons bday?...and if he brought xtra person-why didnt you make him pay the 10.00?...sounds like he still has ALOT of control over you..let it go...

I didn't read through all of the answers that you received, but I just wouldn't invite the Dad to the parties. I know it is tempting to try to create a "united front" with your ex in the best interest of your son, but coming from a divorced set of parents myself (at age 3), it is not necessary. Unless you and your ex have one of those TV perfect divorces, when you can remain best friends, your son is going to know it is false...so just do your own thing for him and let your ex and your son celebrate in their own ways together. Sorry that this ruined the day for you, but I would just give a simple explanation to your son about the way you behaved so that this birthday is a good memory for him.

Men can be big JERKS... especially ex's, but don't take it out on your son or the little girl, his half sister. It was not her fault she was brought into this world or that her father opted to bring her to her brothers birthday. It was not YOUR party, it was your SON'S party and I feel bad for him that his mommy couldn't just set aside the animosity for his father and just enjoy the day with her son. I understand that divorce is hard, but it is even harder on the children when the parents can't seem to get along.... I know my parents divorced when I was really young and have horrible memories of their interactions post-divorce. Just so you know they now regret their behavior and get along just fine! Do what is best for the child and set aside the hate when the child is around.