First Birthday After Divorce

I'd go to the party for all the reasons you've cited. Talk with your ex and together make a plan for how to handle this. Perhaps he hasn't thought of the implications of not including you. The two of you would not have to interact much at all as long as you recognize that it's his party. Let him do the talking and organizing. You just be there on the side lines to talk with other parents. Yes, it will be awkward but it can be done.

Later: After reading Kimberly F's answer and your added comments about mutual friends, I agree with her. No need to cause more drama.

I would add that it's also time to let go of the past and start anew. If you haven't told your son's teacher that you're now divorced it's time to do so. I'd also tell a couple of other moms too. What you have now is the new normal. Trying to keep up appearances only adds to your stress.

This party isn't about you but about celebrating your 3 year old. My son used to have 3 or 4 celebrations for his birthday. I wasn't invited to the ones thrown by his father's side of the family and I didn't invite them to the parties I had for him either. No harm intended no harm done and I have a perfectly well adjusted spoiled rotten and well loved 18 year old. LOL.

Honestly find something to occupy your mind and think of how lucky your son is to be loved by his father even though things didn't work out between the two of you.

As for the parents at day care knowing you are divorced, don't sweat that either. You are divorced and they may be too. You may find some supportive allies among those very same parents. In any case, the parents at daycare aren't your friends so why would you care that they knew you were divorced? Curious. Your ex is divorced too and he doesn't seem to have a problem with this.

Try to be a bit stronger in dealing with your emotions and don't let them get the better of you.

Can you ask your ex if you can go? If the divorce is over, I would try to make amends with the ex and move on to co parenting the best way possible; maybe the ex will agree. It can be done, my ex and I did this for many years and it was great for everyone.

Your Ex probably isn't stopping to think about the feelings behind it. Your son probably asked for a party with his friends, and your Ex said yes.

I can understand your hesitation, but the daycare parents will know sooner or later that you are no longer together. He is just making it sooner.

Think of it from the flip side. When you have your party, his Dad won't be there. It's the same thing.

If I were you, I would try to make amends with your ex for your son's sake. He could be throwing the party for a multitude of reasons, if you had an ugly divorce he's probably trying to be "the better parent" by taking the initiative and throwing the party.

See if you can come to the party, and bring Grandma and Grandpa or a friend as a buffer so you and your ex aren't the only adults there.

If that's not possible, then why not just let your ex throw the party and you do something else special? He's probably biting off more than he can chew anyway! I don't know if he's anything like my husband, but my husband let his mom plan ALL of his daughter's birthday parties. Then, when he had to plan one he had NO IDEA what to do.

We always threw joint birthday parties if we could. Now that my SD is older we don't anymore because she wants sleepovers and stuff. It just makes it easier if you can get along. My husband and his ex are cordial to one another, but they don't really talk at the parties. There are lots of relatives around on both sides so it's all fine.

It's hard to think that way when the divorce is new, but if you both can put the past behind you it will be SO MUCH EASIER!

Your son will be sad to not have his mommy there. Perhaps that's something your ex needs to see. It won't scar him for life, and divorce and blending families is a learning experience for all.

ask if you can come by. it might be painful but your son is too little to comprehend a reason for mommy not to be at his party.

You can a little later then it starts and then mmingle with his friends and watch him eat the cake and take photos and then head off after.
then do your own special thing later.

we've had joint parties every year so far, with eachof us doing something extra and small on our own possibly if we want to.

it doesnt make sense for us to do it seperate, my ex's nieces and nephews are still my nieces and nephews I didnt divorce them and i enjoy seeing them, also its J. too costly to do two parties.

even when new boyfriends and girlfriends came into the picture they were invited too. It's not about us its about our daughter. heck her last party her dad's girfriends kids both slept over that night

my advice is to try and make the messy divorce into a great coparenting relationship if possible

I would say, given your detail, that yes, it's too soon. And it may be too soon for a while.

I can also say that I have been divorced just under 8 years, separated for a bit over 9 years and my ex and I had lunch with our respective current spouses and our daughter FOR THE FIRST TIME during Christmas pickup this past month. (We used a mediator for pickup/drop-off and communication for the first year and then ONLY communicated via text/email for the next 5. I can count on fingers and toes the number of voice to voice conversations I've had with him since our divorce). I can also tell you that as difficult as he is to get along with and as much as I abhor dealing with him..... the person who REALLY gets hurt because we can't communicate is my daughter. However, it is what it is. And we opted for NO communication rather than drama and scenes.

So, here is my advice.

1. Don't worry about what other people think.

2. Don't worry that your son will be scarred because his mother was not as his party. PLENTY of kids from LOVING families don't have both parents at all their stuff. Don't make this a measure of your love and he won't.

3. The same parents who are going to judge that you aren't at his party will judge if you are divorced and you ARE at the party.
So, just like you had to get over that some parents hate all your parenting decisions.... this is no different. You have to figure out what works for YOUR SON. period. I, myself, take the *high road* option unless my daughter is hurting..... the stuff that is about "me" (like not wanting to miss haircuts / first leg shaving etc) I willingly chose to throw out the window.... because making a big deal about being the "parent who gets to...." would just make my daughter feel pulled apart.

4. If you and exhubs can't get along together, then you are going to have to do things separately. You, then, have choices to make. Does your son get 2 parties? Or does your son have birthday parties at Dad's but mom is the one who goes to all the soccer games and throws the pizza party afterwards. It's not always healthy to "double up" on everything...... 2 b'day parties.... 2 Christmases.... 2 Thanksgivings.... It's EXHAUSTING for the kid simply because the PARENTS don't want to "miss out". But it doesn't build a positive memory for the kid.

5. Even though you are freshly divorced........ it's never too early to realize that some things are missing from your parenting plan. For example, our stipulates which year each of us has her on her b'day. Now, we now live in separate states so this is actually a bit easier for us. But, if there are large oversights in your decree..... start making a list and you can have this re-negotiated in 6 months or a year. Yes, this will cost you...... so if you and exhubs can work together it's better for everyone.

6. Unsolicited advise not in your post.
Pick a mantra and stick with it. Mine was "Mom and Dad and a Judge have decided this is what is best for you. It's because we love you and we all want what's best for you.... even though you don't always like it and it doesn't always seem to make sense." That's it. That's all she got for like 3 years.
"Why can't you be at my b'day party?"
"Mom and Dad are divorced. Lots of divorced parents do things separately but we both love you. You're going to have the party with your friends at Daddy's. Then you'll have a dinner party with grandma and grandpa next weekend with me".
Keep it simple and factual. Eliminate ANY sign of "I wish that I could" or "this is your dad's decision". Stick with things that are non-emotional. Because your son needs SOMETHING that is consistent and non-emotional.

7. For what it's worth.... you husband didn't turn your friends against you. They willingly went on their own. So...... This is the time for new friends. It's unfortunate.... but at least you have a CLEAR boundary of who is on whose team. So, get yourself some new friends that have NOTHING to do with your divorce. Join a "meetup" group. Get your son involved in play dates that have NOTHING to do with his current daycare - like with a park district or Little Gym. You both need people who are on YOUR side. Find them. Fast.

Here is the other thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. You son will know who loves him. Not by who had the birthday parties. Not by who kept the friends. But by who is able to calm his fears. By who is able to provide a solid structure upon which he can grow.

I wish you luck and peace in this journey.

You are so right. It is not about you. It's about your son. So please stop worrying about what other people will think of you. If they have a brain in their heads they will think you are going through a tough time and be understanding.

That said. My husband was the product of a divorce. His parents having separate parties and trying to outdo each other, dragging him back and forth to each party put him in the hospital. He lost tons of weight and was stressed to the max.

I would IMPLORE you to talk to your ex. Ask to be included. Include your ex in future parties. Make it easier on your son. I know it will be hell for you, but do your best to make it through. You don't have to be your ex's best friend, but it will help your son if you can be pleasant and tolerant.

If you can't do that...... then do your best. I sympathize with you. It has to be so hard. Hang in there. I hope it gets better.

If the party is during your husbands time with the child then there is nothing you can do, just make your time with him just as special.

and if you feel you deserve child support then talk to your lawyer and go back to court.

Okay, a couple ot things stuck out here:
1) you are worried about how a group of people who you don't really know and don't really know you are going to judge you ---- my answer WHO cares? If they stoop to making judgements they are not now and never will be your friends.
2) your 'best friend' wrote to the court and said you were a terrible Mom??? UUUMMMMMM this woman isn't even in the same universe as a friend -- forget her and move on.
3) he 'turned' all of your mutual freinds 'against you' --- again they are not freinds and never were.

Stop worring about other peoples opinions about you. Stop worrying about who is the better parent, let the ex put on his dog and pony show. At 3 your son may fall for the show, but not for long. He will soon see dad is all fluff and Mom is the real parent. The parent who made sure his needs were being met.
As a bonus to you since your son spends more nights at your house than at his house -- you get the tax deduction. No matter what the courts say about who gets the tax deduction the IRS says which parent has the the child more gets the deduction. My son just went through this and this is what the IRS told him.

It's over. He's going to be doing all sorts of stuff with dad that you will never be going to. It's time for you to plan stuff on your own.

It's a hard adjustment but you'll get there.

Well unfortunately, the reality is that you are both now SPLIT. So, as hard and hurtful as it is for you now, it's a new situation you have to deal with. Let your son go to the birthday party, and when he is back in your care, have a splash with him and make it just as fun.

I doubt your son will be concerned with who attends, as long as his friends are there.

After our divorce I had the kid parties. Figured he never came to them anyway but if he had asked I would have let him attend. Thing is he never took me up on it because he knew if he caused drama I would have him removed.

Then we had family parties for just our families.

Omg, story of my life, right? 50/50 just so he doesn't have to pay me more but still expects me to watch kids while he's at work ALL day. But i cant relate to the best friend thing, even his own mom supports me. Ahem.... Sorry, I digress.

Don't go.

Smile, take your son to Disneyland as planned and have a family get together. Anyone ask and you say your husband did not invite you. Don't say anything bad about him. If he's making you look bad, it's up to you to make yourself look good. Bring goodies to his class on his birthday. It hurts but you need to be happy.

Btw, my sons birthday party is in two weeks, I would still invite dad because any parent purposefully keeping parents from their kids is wrong.