Hi, I have shared custody with my 8 year old daughters father. He is responsible for her Friday afternoon from 3pm to Monday afternoon 3pm. The problem I am having with this court ordered agreement is that he doesn't allow her to do normal childhood activities that would normally take place on the weekends. Birthday parties, swimming lessons, soccer games, sleep overs ect.
Although she loves her father, she misses out on so much she gets frustrated and complains at times. Last school year alone we declined at least 10 birthday parties. She was only "allowed" by her father to go to one. I wouldn't have as much of a problem with this if he were to actually be doing something with her. Generally, they sit in the house or he takes her with him to his second job where she sits and watches television for hours.
When questions arise as if she will be able to do a specific activity he maintains that his time is on the weekends and he will decide what to do with her. Let me be really clear in saying this is not a money issue. I pay offer to pay for all of the extra curricular activities. Is there anything I can do about this? Talking just isn't helping!
I spoke to a lawyer and he agrees that her dad is responsible legally for taking her to weekend activities as long as it isn't monopolizing her time with him. So, after bringing this up to her father he agrees that he will take her to activities. It is after all part of parenting.
I'm just wondering why he has her EVERY weekend? If you shared weekends, then you could take her to parties, games, etc. He would see that that is just what a parent does, things to help socialize their child.
i would get a lawyer and tell him you concerns.. to me he seems like he dont even want her having a child hood life... but get a lwayer and tell him your concerns
I sort of understand what's going on. We have joint custody of my husband's 9-year old and we get her every-other weekend. At first she NEVER went to any parties or even did playdates. Now that she's older she's getting invited to playdates and birthday parties. Sometimes my husband doesn't want her to go because he wants to spend his weekend with her. And yes, they don't GO ANYWHERE! He just sits and watches TV and she watches TV with him and plays toys. I have noticed that some people who are divorced and have kids get the "feeling" like they "never" have their kids enough. Obviously it's just a feeling and not always the truth. As an outsider it would be easy to to see that birthday parties are typically 3 hours long if even that and the dad would then have the whole rest of the day to hang out! I've gotten mad before when my stepdaughter was denied a birthday party and had to sit at home with dad.
BUT, friends will come and go and time with parents is precious. I would talk to your ex about how sad it makes your daughter feel to not go to the birthday parties. Let him know she's missing out on a wonderful part of childhood. Let him know she loves him and would never want to hurt his feelings by telling him this. Then see if you can reach a compromise, maybe she only goes to the birthday parties of her close friends? Also tell him that he's going to create resentment between her and him and that could damage the relationship.
My husband felt weird driving his daughter to parties and having to "make small talk" with moms. That could be part of the problem too.
My SD goes to all the birthday parties now because one time she had to miss a party to sit at home with dad and she was SO MAD that she let him know! She put up such a stink that he ended up taking her last minute. That's what it took, his daughter letting him know.
Try to let you ex feel like he's still in control of his weekends, but see if you can't compromise on a few birthday parties for your daughter's sake. Good luck!
Get anothe adult involved. By that I mean a theripist or a counsilor. I find that an adult without an emotional tie to the situation helps get the other parent to listen. Make sure that he will go, or take him back to court and fix the hours. Every weekend is a bit much, perhaps it could go to every other weekend and some time during the week. The situation is just too aweful for you to leave alone. I agree that the socail situations she is missing out on are just too important for things to continue as they are. Good luck to you and remember that although going through another court battle would be aweful, your child will benifit in the long run and really that is all that matters.
Typically a court order would stipulate that the parent that has the child during times of extra curriculars is responsible to getting a child to and from activities. If it doesn't you could go and try to get this adjusted or change his visitation so she is not there EVERY weekend. It is his visitation but she is still a child and if you were still together I would guess she would be allowed to go.
On the days that he has to go to his 2nd job I understand that he may not be able to take her but on the others I don't unless they are doing something besides just watching tv.
Has your daughter asked her dad to allow her to sign up for extra curriculars? Maybe that would make a difference.
you could go to court just to say he is working while he has her and she is watching tv not interacting with him. Don't mention parties etc. Offer to trade every other weekend for a dinner visit once a week. I think every other weekend and Wed evening is a typical agreement.
Well, he's not really being a "Dad"... just a babysitter. Does he even 'want' to see her???
It does not seem like it... because he does not do things with her.
Mom, this is unfortunate, that is why when parents of children divorce they don't always understand that have no control over what the ex does on his/her own time with their child. It sounds like your ex is pretty controlling and not a very good parent. It is a sad situation that she has to spend so much of her time with him at his job and is just put in front of the TV. Is there anyway you can have custody arrangements, ie the days you have your daughter changed so that you are the caregiver on the weekends and he cares for her during the week. Your husband may do this so he can have weekends free,. Just a thought, but she is worth it!
The only thing that comes to mind is offer to send a nanny/driver to take her to these events so he isn't put out by taking her. I know how important these things are to them, but unfortunately he is doing what is printed in the court docs.
