Quick background - I am friends with two families in town - one is my best friend and the other is a girl I'll call Linda. We all have kids that are very similiar in age (so close that we've done many joint parties for the boys - they are only a day apart) over the past 6, almost 7 years. We each have an older boy and a younger girl.
My best friend and I were chatting a few days ago and she inadvertently mentioned doing a "spa day" for Linda's daughter for her 6th birthday. My child and I were not invited. My bf back tracked pretty quickly when she realized what she said and I didn't persue it any further.
This Saturday my best friend, Linda and the two girls went for pedis and lunch to celebrate the birthday. This was the first year since the girls were born that my daughter and I were not included.
I have not been as close to Linda this year as in the past (she has some serious family issues going on) but have maintained a cordial relationship and just recently dropped off a whole bag of clothes for her son.
I will not ask LInda directly why we weren't invited but I"m thinking of bringing it up to my bf just to get her take. My bf later posted pics on FB of the pedis so it's common knowledge that they did something without us.
Overall, I'm not horribly upset about it beyond the normal "snub" feeling you get when you and your kiddos are left out - lol - but I'm curious if any of you would bring it up and see what was said?
For the record - I had a perfectly nice interaction with Linda just that week when I brought by the clothes - so I don't think she is upset with me or my family.
Thoughts?
Thank you ladies - you are all right. I need to chalk this up to experience, realize the relationship between Linda and myself was truly based on my BFF (we used to do lots as a threesome - not so much anymore due to time, circumstance, etc) and that this is most likely not personal but as many of you mentioned - a simple case of the two girls being closer in age and friendship then my daughter. I'm also sure money played a factor - they struggled this year with her husband being out of work for well over 6 months - so despite things being back on the up and up I'm sure she wanted to keep costs down. I will keep my comments to myself as I don't want to put my bff in the middle and make her feel any worse then she already does (she is super all inclusive and I know she was embarassed that I wasn't invited) appreciate all your feedback and time. :-)
I understand how you feel, but I wouldn't say anything.
It will just be awkward at best.
And maybe it was a financial decision, which could be embarrassing for Linda to admit.
Seems like they just wanted a one on one, maybe Linda was paying for everything and that can get very expensive very quick. Who knows. She isn't upset with you, she isn't snubbing you, she just had her daughter pick one friend.
Let it go.
It was probably a "pick O. friend" to treat to a pedi/spa for your birthday kind of thing.
Say nothing.
If it were me, I'd just let it go. Maybe Linda couldn't afford to treat everyone for this (everyone being yourself and daughter) or maybe the daughter just wanted to do this with best friend's daughter-- sometimes three girls makes for an odd situation. I wouldn't bring it up to your girl (I'm sure you won't ) and frankly, wouldn't mention it any further. Your best friend can only feel awkward. This is a time to be gracious, because she can't fix this situation--she can only feel bad about it. Be the better person. :)
Personally, if it were me, I'd just let it go. Maybe her daughter feels closer to your bff's daughter and wanted only to take that girl with her for the pedi. Maybe since it was a birthday thing for her, "Linda" was paying for all of it and could only afford 4, instead of 6.
I'd just let it go. The girls are not really old enough to get drama filled over this, so don't bring the drama in on the parents end. Which is what will happen, most likely, if you ask about it.
maybe she just couldn't afford it maybe the daughter just wanted her other friend and not your daughter. there is nothing wrong with having fun with one set of friends without the others. sometimes you just want a one on one time and not a big group. its harder to talk with a bigger group.
I don't know why people do these exclusionary things. It's very rude because the people who are left out always find out and it leads more headaches, heartaches, broken friendships, hurt feelings etc. than it's worth. We always include everyone when it comes to birthdays. If we have a party or get-together...everyone is invited...
If it's too expensive, then we do something at the house. I don't do anything for my b-day, but with my dd, we always have a big party (if we decide to have one) and we are sure to invite EVERYONE who she is friends with AND everyone whose party she has gone to. Yes, it's a lot of work, but for me I can sleep at night knowing that nobody is hurt because of our actions.
Ooh, what a crappy situation. I would feel snubbed if it was the first time in 7 years I wasn't invited, either.
It's hard to say why this happened, but it sounds like you just are not as close as you used to be. Perhaps she wanted to keep the birthday cost down and only invited those closest to her for that reason. My advice would be to not bring it up with your best friend. You don't want to put her in the middle and that is what it will do. Even if you are just venting, she is then put in the position of having to defend Linda or make you feel better or tell you something that is not your business ("Linda didn't invite you because they are having financial problems/she is angry with you/your girls don't get along" or whatever reason this happened). I know it is hard, but I would just keep being cordial with Linda but realize that perhaps your friendship is running its course. But if you say anything to your BF, you run the risk of alienating her and losing out on her friendship :(
You can ask, your "BFF" about it.
Otherwise it is just guesswork.
But, even if people are friends and/or BFF's, that does not mean that everyone has to to everything together all of the time.
And it may not necessarily, be a "snub."
You said as well, that you are not that close to "Linda."
Or maybe it was Linda, that planned everything and with their daughters.
Not your BFF who planned it.
But your BFF is sorta stuck in the middle of it all.
No matter what, people of all ages, have friends. And all the friends are not necessarily BFF's or friends with each other. And many people, even kids, have different groups, of friends... which may or may not, overlap. And all of these friends and/or groups of friends, do not.... have to do things together all of the time. And it does not have to overlap.
I really don't think this was "personal" against you or your kids.
I would just let it go. It could be that she couldn't afford to take your daughter (assuming she paid for the kids and the adults paid for themselves). It might also be that she doesn't find you to be as good a friend as she thought you were as it sounds like you have let the friendship wain while she is going through her issues. REAL friends draw closer when there is an "issue" not pull away.
I don't think there is anything to think about.
As the kids get older they are going to have different friends and not everyone is going to be invited to every party.
It's not so much being left out as it is they are branching out to try different things - and it's perfectly ok for you to do this too.
I wouldn't think twice about it.
She probably couldn't afford to take more than one mother and daughter and asked the other gals because she thought you would understand and, in addition, she was too embarrassed to tell you. After she accepted your hand-me-downs and you yourself say that she is going through "serious family issues" it is pretty clear what is going on to me. I think she values you and your friendship, more than you think.
I don't agree with everyone who said you shouldn't say anything. Of course you should! Otherwise it's just going to bug you and your bff. I would just bring it up to the bff and say, "hey, I saw the pics on your fb and was just wondering if Linda has any issues with me. I know we haven't been as close this past year but was still surprised we weren't invited to the party." That way she will likely tell you what's the real deal and you BOTH won't have to feel uncomfortable with the elephant that will be in the room every time you are together. Or start inviting the 2 of them to get together with you and see if she all of a sudden has plans or can't make it every time. Then you will know it's personal and then ask the bff. JMO. Good luck!
I think that the time to ask about it was when it was mentioned. That would have been natural. Any time after would give the impression that you are stewing. If you're curious, just ask your BF to give you some insight. If you are close, then she should be able to tell you.
And sometimes invites are based on other needs. Maybe they decided to keep it small and her DD picked two best friends. Sometimes I encourage DD to invite my friend's kids but sometimes I need to acknowledge that the kids are not really HER friends and it's not about me, it's about her. So I would just chalk this up to not being superclose for this particular event.
I'd leave it, to be honest. I just can't think of any good way to bring it up without looking petty.
It would be the last bag of clothes that I'd ever drop off to Linda.
I don't think you should feel snubbed or bring it up with your friend.
So your friend Linda chose to get together with a friend and her daughter for a spa day to celebrate her daughter's birthday. Seems like a pretty intimate celebration to me.
I just don't see why you think you should be included in this. As an adult you (should) have an understanding that you can't be part of everything other people are part of.
Yes, you are friends with this woman, but that doesn't mean that she means to insult you just because she wants a small one on one spa day with another mom and her daughter.
I can totally see this going this way: Linda asks her daughter to pick ONE friend for a spa day (since these things are expensive) and her daughter picked the girl she went with. Period. It doesn't mean they excluded you and your child, it doesn't mean they are mad and it doesn't mean they don't like you. Just one kid/mom could go and that's that.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
Let it go. The fact that you even mention "I don't think she is upset with me or my family...." indicates this is festering in your mind a bit, and there's no reason. She could be just crazy about all of you and love you to bits but still not invite your kid to her kid's party.
One, cost. A spa type party can get pricey. Those kiddie nail polishes and all that add up, especially if it's done at a spa or hairdresser type of location and not at home.
Two, just because the moms are friendly, that does not mean the kids are forever going to be friends. You don't say that your daughter and Linda's daughter are good friends; or play together frequently; or share the same class, or even the same school, or scout troop or...whatever. If the link between the girls is really primarily that the moms are friends and the girls happen to be close in age, can you see how that is not really a link at all? As all these kids get older they are going to drift apart unless they have other things in common or spend enough time together (outside mutual birthday parties etc.) that they really are friends. If your expectation is that a friend will invite your child to her child's party because the moms are friend and the ages are close and "we've always done it that way before" -- that's OK when kids are little, but evaporates quickly once kids get older. Kids know whom they want at their parties, pretty definitively, once they're elementary age. The one feeling slighted here is you, not your daughter; if you can admit to that, you will feel better and you will let go of wondering if someone's mad at you.
This is very, very normal where parents are friendly; the kids get together because the parents get together; and then the kids start to have their own lives, friends and party lists. It's not about you, or about your child not being nice or liked, or the other mom dissing you or being angry. it's about the kids growing up and apart, with possibly a touch of "very expensive party with limited guest list" tossed in.
