"Bossy" 5 Year Old

I love that you recognize this as a leadership quality and see the benefit of trying not to squash it. I think that this is a pretty normal thing at this age and for a first born girl. My daughter used to want me to color with her and then try to tell me what colors I could use and what color I had to color what things in the picture. I told her I didn't want to color with her when she did that, and the reasons.

I do think it's important to teach her that there are different ways to do things, and that a way that is different than her way is not necessarily the wrong way. I have a little boy in my daycare right now whose mother has passed down the "one way to do things is the only way..." and he has social problems, and an inability to cope with changes and things that aren't done his way.

With the awareness you have and what you've said here, I don't think that your daughter will have a problem with this. It will be a phase of behavior and she might get some playmates who don't want to play with her when she has to make all of the rules. (The she'll just boss her brother until he's old enough to object :) I'd encourage her to be a leader by helping others who may not know how to do things and exercising flexibility with her. You could even make a game of it... I know that you like to put away toys this way... what's another way that we could do it? What's a fast way to do it? What's a silly way to do it... etc

Good luck!

Ha! She can come play with my daughter who is exactly the same way! The good news is that she's not so bossy when she's playing with her peers, so she's just kind of a leader in imaginary play there.

The only saving grace is that as your son gets older, she'll realize that if she always bosses him around, he won't play with her. There's nothing more annoying than being shunned by your little brother! That might make her compromise more too. At least, its helped some around here.

I had a similar problem with my 6 year old. I spoke with a child psychologist who told me to explain to him that sometimes being the boss means allowing other people be the boss too. In that way he still felt as though he was the one in control. It has work thus far.

Also, when he and I play and he gets too bossy - I tell him I am not having fun anymore and don't feel like playing. He very quickly began to catch on.

My daughter is exactly the same way! We are experiencing the same situations both at home and school. She does not get upset at school when things don't go her way, but is very dramatic and throws tantrums at home. I'd love some advice on how to help her "play fair" and be flexible with changes.

I think your instincts are terrific. Help her find her own way through this difficulty, and many to come, using the wise and respectful techniques taught in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

I have found this book to be my number-one resource for the many situations I find myself in with children. I've used it with my grandson since he was about 2.5 (he's now 5), and have yet to find a situation that the gentle techniques don't make easier.