Who's the Boss?!

Hi J.,

She is just going through a phase. My grandaughter was like that also. I would sit down and talk to her and let her know she is a big girl and she should be nice to her friends so they can have fun together. Let her know people do not like bossy. Remind her when she does good also.

I went on a field trip and watched her with her friends and pulled her aside to let her know what she was doing to her friends and she stopped trying to be the boss.

Be patient.

Good luck

N. Marie

a great story to read with her is recess queen. the story is about a girl who is bossy and no one will play with her because they are two scared until one day when a new girl moves to town and shows the queen that everyone can play with out her permission. And how they turn it all around to be friends. It opens the door into the discussion of how we can play together. Good luck.

I think it's funny (in a way) that boys are called leaders and girls are called bossy. If your daughter is a leader, teach how to lead by example and encouragement instead of words and orders. This way she can stay true to her own great personality and not upset or offend anyone. She has a long hard road ahead. I wish I could just give her a hug ! Good luck.

How about organizing playdates and supervising/coaching your daughter in her play?

Heather's idea to read her the Recess Queen is right on, that is a great book, it really gets the point across!
I've been working in 1st grade for the past 3 years so I see a lot of this among the girls. The good news is that these girls are usually very bright and have strong leadership skills. The bad news is that they aren't always mature enough to know how their "authority" makes others feel. Read the book, talk to her about it and try to have lots of playdates (outside of school) to help her practice and strengthen her social skills. Good luck :)

I kind of agree with Kim. Maybe the way you should help her is not to get rid of her bossyness, but to help her learn over time to be bossy a little more diplomatically.

I remember one girl on our street, years ago, who was the bossiest child I have ever encountered. She would just tell everyone, girls and boys, what game they were now going to play, and what each person's role was. And they all obeyed her without question. It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

And I never thought, "Oh, what a bossy brat," I thought, "This girl is amazing and is going to go far in life."

If your girl was meant to be a leader, let her be one.

Suggest to your child's teacher that she let your child help! Help hand out papers, balls or anything else that lets her feel "bossy" in a positive way. Same goes at home. "Annie, please help me get brother's clothes for day, can you get him a shirt and pants?". By focusing her desire to be in control in a positive way she is both a help and feels good about herself.
As a bossy person I can say that, just ask my kids. :P

Hello J.: As the mother of 5 children, & a foster parent. I have seen this a few times.
I have always said to my children the old addage-- You, must be a friend to have a friend, or You, will be treated as you treat other people.
With children, you don't get to pick friends for them. I know that even at this age when mine were agressive/controlling, they got left out, as others did not have to put up with it and didn't. I can say that I don't put up with people that try and control my adult life. You are lucky, to have a teacher that is on top of things and can help you have a chance to do things to make changes. We have several teachers in the family, and theydo say that telling a parent something they do not want to hear is not always recieved well.
I saw with our children, that the eldest, was trying to be my helper, and I without realising it had her doing things that gave her more power than she should have had, to help me. She just naturally took it a step farther, into all her areas of life- dance lessons, church,school. It took her crying because she wasn't invited to an activity with the neighbor children to help us rethink our family dynamics. The other child was just so active and curious that it made people crazy! If there was a mountain to be climbed then he was the first to get there-- other children were not this way, so he felt left out and alone. It took again, a child that was generally timid, finally saying that he was scared of the things that our son did to get us to see. (the boys were digging to China, and I planted a tree in the hole).
You must be the ones to say STOP, THINK, CONSIDER OTHERS FEELINGS. When a brother gets upset over it what do you do? What does he do? Is there a consequence that has a price high enough to make her think 2x's before doing it again? We used role reversal as a family activity a few times and learned alot. You may find it worth trying. I know that this is the start of your adventure with outside influence with your children. It will be OK, in the end. I promise that eventually they either grow up and grow out of it with the advice and example from you, or they become lonely. I have 5 wonderful adult children. Everyone has become something exciting for a job choice. The one that was willing to dig to China, is still interested in what goes on and has made it part of his life. The eldest is in the medical field.I have yet others in law enforcement, and firefighters, teachers, and proud stay at home mothers. Good Luck, Nana G

J.,
just explain to her that her bossiness is not acceptable and kids don't want to be her friend because she is being bossy, she's old enough to understand that.
good luck
S.

Bossy doesn't necessarily mean bully...bullies have self esteem problems and think others need to be lowered in order for them to feel important.
Leaders are more confident--they know they have good ideas and want to direct others to facilitating their ideas.
As some have said, there can be a fine line between leadership and bossiness. Some fine tuning is needed.

Your daughter may get along better with boys than with girls...girls are less accepting of those behavior traits.

One of my boys is the controlling type, and he has become much smoother about it with age, but he still doesn't make friends as easily as he would like. One thing I have noticed is that when people DON'T do what he says, he doesn't know how to react. He has a tendency to declare that they "don't like him", I think because he equates compliance with general approval of him.
There are times when these "bossy" kids will come in contact with similar kids, and find that "there can be only one" Alpha...this is tough, learning when to submit to another.
I like the response suggesting play dates at your house so you can coach your daughter with her social skills---just be careful to be subtle and not shame her in front of peers, which could backfire.