My daughter is in 1st grade. She's very bright, perceptive, creative, inquisitive and high energy. As far as friends go, I just can't figure her out. She seems to enjoy playing with boys moreso than girls most of the time, maybe because she tends to be bossy (well what kids would consider bossy but I know that she just has so many ideas when it comes to playing) and she is not into the girl drama.
Something that I've started noticing with her is that it seems like she's having trouble bonding with any kids. We've done Girl Scouts, gymnastics and soccer. She wasn't too fond of any of them but even so didn't really make any friends in any of those activities. With school, what seems to happen is she'll start playing with 1-2 girls and maybe even sometimes be the one to introduce the 2 girls to each other and then the other 2 girls become closer and DD seems to be a third wheel of sorts.
I know a trio can be hard but it's hard for me to hear about these things. And I have to be honest, she doesn't volunteer up this information, it just comes out as we start talking about her school day so if I never asked specifics on her school day then she probably wouldn't even tell me about it so I don't know if it's bothering me more than it's bothering her or if she even notices it.
I'm reading the book Raising Your Spirited Child and a lot of it seems to pertain to her -- I feel like she definitely has leadership qualities but she hasn't figured out how to rope her "bossiness" in so right now it seems like she's pushing kids away. I was thinking about trying to do some role playing with her to see if that helps with some situations or am I totally overthinking this??
Chances are this bothers you more than it bothers her.
I think she'll figure it out eventually.
What you wrote about your daughter sounds similar to my own. Now, granted mine is now 10(a week away from 11)but I've found that whilst she doesn't seem to have close friends(IMO)she actually does. I've figured that out by attending various school/after school events and find that many parents speak very highly of my daughter and their respective kids do as well.
I would say let your daughter figure things out on her own and unless she wants/needs your help in making friends just let her be. My daughter recently told me that while she loves having friends and spending time with them both inside and outside of school(she attends the Boys & Girls Club)she doesn't feel the need to have playdates. She actually finds playing with whomever, whenever and wherever easier than trying to force playing with other kids. My daughter's a bit bossy as well but I've found that if the kids didn't want to play with her they won't and those who want to do so obviously her bossiness is bothering me more than it does her friends.
Best of luck to you.
I think what some people call "bossy" is what other people would call "leadership" or "assertiveness" or "confidence" in an older person or in a boy!
She's only in first grade, but already you've exhausted Girl Scouts, soccer and gymnastics? Sounds like she was either overloaded by doing too many things in one season, or she didn't stick it out long enough to really get a feel for it. If kids are over scheduled, they get messed up if there's a different activity every day. A lot of kids just aren't ready for schedule/structured activities at this age. Maybe sports aren't her thing, or maybe the Scouts didn't have a strong leader to engage the various kids? Or maybe your daughter is more inclined to give direction than take it. That doesn't mean she's a social failure. I'm glad you're reading the book.
However, I think you may be overreacting - unless you are getting feedback from the school that she's too aggressive or spending all her recess time alone because kids are shunning her, let her go. There's no rule about 3 being a bad thing, and there's no rule that kids have to pair up or be entirely equal in a relationship with 2 kids pairing up and 1 being a hanger-on unless there is cruelty involved.
I agree that it would make sense to invite one kid over to play, and to teach her good manners as a hostess and let the other child choose the activity, the toy, and the snack (from those that are offered). I think, when it comes to manners, you can't start too soon. Otherwise I wouldn't interfere too much.
Mostly, you're overthinking.
But you can help her expand her circle. Are you having her have playdates with other girls? One other girl at a time? Some parents dont' like playdates and the effort involved, but truly, at her age -- she needs a little adult help if she's going to see friends outside school and organized activities. I don't think the whole "run around and just play with whoever's in the neighborhood" thing works in many places, and now that she's in school, she should be showing some interest in seeing school friends (even if they don't live close to you) outside school. Make it happen; she can't, yet.
If she has mentioned one particular girl a few times, ask, "Would you like to ask if Sally can come over to play with you at our house?" It doesn't matter if you don't know Sally's parents! Invite, and say that it's fine if the mom or dad wants to stay for coffee since you haven't met. Or meet the other child and parent at a park. If you're not already volunteering at her school -- try to do so; you will meet parents of her classmates that way too and that eases things. It's really not a huge deal to do play dates. One on one play dates will mean there's no "third wheel" situation and your child can work on her skills of letting another kid make the choice of what to play, etc. Easier to work on that with one kid there than in a trio or group. She may also be more open to letting other kids take the lead if you can say, "Sally will be your guest, and a good hostess asks the guest, 'What do you want to play with?' first." And so on.
I also noticed that you mention Girl Scouts, gymnastics and soccer, but all in the past tense. So is she no longer doing these activities at all? If not -- she might benefit from sticking with something longer. It's hard to know if you're "fond of" an activity if you drop it too soon. I am NOT an advocate of forcing kids to stay with something that truly isn't working, but how much of a chance did she give things, and were you focused mostly on whether she quickly gained friends? I wouldn't put that first when choosing any activity -- if she's not into the particular activity, she won't be inclined to make many friends there.
I would suggest that team sports, or competitive individual things like gymnastics, aren't necessarily going to create friendships beyond being pals on the field or in the gym. She might want to try Girl Scouts again -- if the troop is one where the activities change a lot, there is always something coming along that's different, and that can be good. If her previous troop had kids in it with whom there were issues, she does not have to go back to that same troop --there is no rule that a girl must be part of any particular troop. You may get people saying "She needs to be in the troop that meets at her school" or whatever but that is not a GS rule or requirement -- your GS council should put you in touch with your "service unit" and the service unit can let you know all the troops in your area. Just a thought.
She sounds very much like my 12 yr old DD when she was that age. I didn't think she'd ever find her niche, but she did. By about 3rd grade, she started figuring out how friendships works (give and take, not being overly bossy etc...) Your DD will figure things out as well.
She might benefit from taking more of a responsible role at home. For instance design a chore chart, or have her take on a more active role in something. If she is a natural born leader, she may have difficulty just being a kid, instead of feeling like she needs to act a certain way. Give her time, it sometimes is a good thing to have a child who is unique and independent.
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She might benefit from taking more of a responsible role at home. For instance design a chore chart, or have her take on a more active role in something. If she is a natural born leader, she may have difficulty just being a kid, instead of feeling like she needs to act a certain way. Give her time, it sometimes is a good thing to have a child who is unique and independent.
This is also quite familiar in adulthood. Threesome friendships are hard. I no longer introduce friends and when I have a friend who likes to usurp friends, I stop including her in events.
Have your daughter invite ONE friend over. They can bond without the intrusion of another friend.
