Not a Good Friend for My Daughter

Let her navigate the world of friends herself. Stay out of it. People do not give kids enough credit these days. She will decide to either continue friendship or move on. They may end us being besties but that is for them to decide not you.

L. M.

Sorry - you need to let your daughter choose her friends. Your daughter might just be the calming influence that "Amy" needs.

IF your daughter comes to your for advice - you can GUIDE HER - but do NOT demand who her friends are.

What do you need to do? You need to keep reinforcing positive role model/behavior. You need to show/model and DISCUSS the behavior you expect from your child. Give her the morals, values and integrity to learn how to make decisions, friends and when to let friends go.

You might end up being VERY surprised...Amy may NEED your family to show her what families are REALLY like. YOU and your family MAY be able to show Amy the things she's missing at home.....don't put her off so fast....you never know YOUR affect in someone else's life.

Not much you can do, nor would you want to. Your daughter should be able to manage her own friendships, and she will only be able to do this through making her own choices, good and bad. This girl may very well be "mean spirited" in your opinion, but your daughter clearly likes her. Maybe as a quiet girl she likes being around someone more assertive and outgoing?
It doesn't sound like they're together that much anyway so I wouldn't worry about it.

This is the exact relationship my best friend and I had. She is very outgoing, and had her mean moments. She definitely got into more trouble than I ever did! I was a very calm, socially awkward person.

We were best friends for over 20 years. Our personalities worked together to bring me out of my shell, as well as to calm her down.

I would let your daughter take the lead in this, unless her behavior is noticeably negatively affected.

My daughter is in 5th and has three girls at school she is sometimes friends with and sometimes not, plus two girls on the block. My daughter is very involved in dance, so her limited time for other friends makes it hard for her sometimes. I tell her she picks her friends, but to think about their actions and what she thinks is right and wrong, then decide what she wants.

Honestly, she picks to not put too much effort into those relationships - it's just not worth her time and pain when they are mean. She is in a wheelchair at school right now (broken foot) and one day they will help her and sit with her at lunch, the next they ignore her and leave her by herself. Luckily, a little male friend of my daughter's is being a God send to her...so she is learning who her real friends are.

But she's 10...your daughter is probably 7...it takes time to learn how to pick friends, and she has to have some of the bad to know the difference. Just be there to support her when Amy really makes her sad.

that was the dynamics in my best friend relationship too. We have been best friends all our lives. Yes there have been periods of time where we befriended others and always came back to eachother. She is the only one from school that I still talk to and call my best friend.

Love and Logic.

Advise her and ensure she knows what right looks like, and expect her to do right and be kind regardless of what Amy does. Have you considered that your sweet daughter might be a good influence on Amy? That Amy may change and improve?

That's a fairly normal dynamic in girl friendships. There's always a stronger willed one and a softer willed one. These friendships may seem off balanced, but really they aren't.

I learned long ago, that sometimes we see something in someone and it brings out emotions in us, that really have nothing to do with the situation. We, as adults, tend to over think these things.

If the only problem with this girl is a strong personality, then there isn't a problem here. Watch your DD for any attitude you don't like and correct it. Don't lay the problem at the girls feet, personal accountability. It's worked like a charm in my house, even with friendships that made me cringe...and that's not saying that the other kids were bad influences. It's just some of my kids were strong willed and others far from it and their choices of friends didn't always seem to pair up well. Now the are adults, and there friendships still work, even if the pairing seems strange.

I would have have join a sport or a activity to meet new kids. Do you volunteer at your daughters school. Are there any nice kids you met while helping at school? My oldest is now 14 yrs. From the middle of first grade to third grade he was friends with this little boy. I don't think this child had any bonderies . I don't think his parents said no to him. He yelled at my younger kids and told them I am playing with your brother. I said leave now. I reprimanded him. I said in my house we speak to people with respect. This friendship continued then my son had a birthay party. His behavior was so bratty and rude. I told my son there are nicer kids to be friends with.

I don't totally butt out of my daughter's social life because I think it's a parent's job to guide your children into making good choices. If there's someone we don't like, we have a discussion about why they are friends to see if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes different personalities just hit it off, and I'm okay with my daughter being friends with all different types of people EXCEPT those who are actually having a negative influence.

If there is someone with a negative influence, we are suddenly too busy that day for a get-together, etc. I don't outright discourage, but I don't encourage. Usually my daughter comes to her senses on her own about it.

If your daughter starts exhibiting some of the negative traits that Amy has, I would discourage the friendship through being too busy, etc. If not, then I'd just keep an eye on things.

I think who our children are friends with absolutely shapes who they are, so I think it IS our business to keep an eye on things and intervene when necessary, and step back when necessary. So far it sounds like this Amy girl is worth keeping an eye on, but no action seems necessary at this time.

Wow, this sounds like I wrote it. My daughter is exactly the same- quiet and soft spoken except when around her brothers. She met an outgoing girl at Daisy Scouts last year. Her mom pushed them together for some reason. This girl is not mean, though from what I can tell.

If you think she is a bad influence, you just don't invite the girl over. I think kids usually bond on playdates. Also good that Amy's parents are busy all the time.

Yes, I am trying to distance my son from a boy he has known since he was 4. It's not working only because the boy is around 24/7. His grandparents live acoss the street. He's not a bad kid per se. His family does not have rules for him and he sometimes mocks our rules to my son. I'm trying to get my son involved in an activity so he is too busy to hang all the time.

Unless you quit the Girl Scouts, you may not be able to get completely away from this girl. We quit Daisy Scouts but only because my daughter didn't seem into it.

I have mixed feelings about this. I'd like to say to butt out and say let your daughter choose her friends, but it's not that easy...

My daughter has this dynamic with a girl and it started last year. What I saw is that my daughter found some comfort in having a friend who had a much stronger personality that her. At first. It was great for her to have someone directing what they would do, paying lots of attention to her so she didn't have to find someone to play with, coming up with ideas and things that my daughter would never think of, because (having an older sister and brother and very little parental supervision) this girl is a bit more experienced than my daughter. How exciting!

But as my daughter matured a bit and gained confidence, her tolerance for being bossed around and being asked to do things she wasn't comfortable with lessened and she started missing her other friends. She also began to realize that she didn't want to be like that girl.

I did limit how much I let my daughter play with this girl outside of school because the few times we had her over I saw the drama. And my daughter would get an attitude that I didn't like when she was around her that I didn't tolerate.

I can tell you that the experience that my daughter has gained by going though a difficult friendship like this has been really good for her. She has learned how she wants to be treated by a friend and how to disagree and stand up for herself and she learned the value of her good friend that she's known for years. She seen how true friends treat each other and learned about bullying and gossip. We've watch the other girl dump one friend for another over and over again. It's sad.

I would say that you have to let her experience the friendship to some degree, but keep the lines of communication open and coach your daughter through the difficult social problems that are going to come up. I's better that she goes through this now when it's just a friendship that she might lose rather than later when it can have a greater impact on her life. You can also look into the American Girl books about friendship, bullying etc... if you daughter likes to read more than open up, it's a good way to get those conversations happening.

good luck!

You actually are in a pretty good position for this to burn itself out fairly soon. Think about what you wrote: They only see each other at recess (no classes together) and Girl Scouts (surely GS doesn't meet more than, say, twice a month with maybe one other activity at times?). And the parents' schedules mean no play dates. It's not like Amy lives next door and is knocking on your front door every other night demanding to play then and there, and it's not like the girls also are on the same soccer team, same church youth group, whatever.

So take a deep breath and see that the big picture here -- especially for girls so young -- is not that bad. Your daughter is actually spending more hours each week with classmates than with Amy, period. And they are young enough that you parents control their entire social lives. Imagine if they were 12 or 13 and calling and texting outside school.

Keep on doing play dates with other kids, absolutely. If a (rare) opportunity for a play date with Amy comes up, be too busy. It's that simple.

Yes, it's typical that "when she is with Amy, no one else seems to exist." The quieter girl often will be rather fascinated with the brasher, bolder girl and the result is that the bolder girl blots out everything else. But that's not a basis for real friendship, and unless Amy and your daughter really share other strong interests and activities it's going to fizzle.

As for Girl Scouts: Speaking as a GS leader who has had girls this age, please talk to her leader(s) privately if you feel concerned that Amy's dominating your daughter in GS meetings or events. Don't go in there criticizing Amy, because frankly she may be quite different in GS than when you see her alone with your daughter, and she may be great in meetings etc. Just tell the leader that you're not sure your daughter and Amy really click, even though your daughter says she adores Amy and is very focused on Amy, and ask the leader what she has observed about the interaction between the girls. Leave it at that and see what the leader has to say and you may learn a lot about both your daughter and Amy if you can listen objectively (and if the leader is observant).

Most good leaders will be careful about mixing up the troop so that, for instance, the same couple of girls aren't always together in a little clique, or girls have to pair up with different partners each time for various activities etc. If you do not see that mixing being actively encouraged by the leaders, .and if your daughter and Amy are always stuck to each other through every activity, ask the leader to ensure your daughter is paired off with other girls at times.

Amy is a good side kick to have:)

I have a similar situation...

Schedule time with other kids to come over and play. "Amy" will be one of her friends, as they get older, they will naturally drift apart or her time will be taken up with others.

Eventually Amy will say something she doesn't like...kids who are domineering like this frequently lose friend until they change their ways (which comes with a little more maturity)

They are not in the same class and only have Scouting together. What's the issue? They will be together during Scouting only.

Amy might not be the only female your little girl is learning to be "mean spirited" from.

You might need to take a check on your "compassion gene", Amy sounds like a little child that needs more attention then she currently receives.