Boy at School Said Something Very Inappropriate to My Daughter. WWYD????

I agree with those who say to empower your daughter to speak up for herself and not be a victim.

She should have responded loudly, "you're a perverted idiot and everyone knows it. Shut up before you get expelled for sexual harassment."

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
That is nothing.
Your daughter should have just looked him square in the eye and said, "shut up" and walked off.
You are totally 100% overreacting.

I agree -- empower your daughter. I've heard middle school boys say a lot worse, by the way. This won't be the last thing she hears.

Re Your What Happened: Imo, you handled it perfectly.

His statement was inappropriate but not harassment, there is a difference. This is an age where kids are still learning how to properly behave and that includes your daughter. She should let him know that this is offensive and if it should happen again then let the principle know.

When your daughter is an adult and comes across people like this out in the world will she run to the police station every time she hears something inappropriate?

I see too many parents overreacting to things that kids are still learning about. Try to remember that a tween or teen brain doesn't work like an adults yet, they are still learning about this stuff and middle school is hardest time for them.

I must be slow.... What does that mean? It doesn't make sense.

This is when you teach your daughter to respond with, "Um ... ok?" or the ever charming, "Whatever!"

Yes his comment was inappropriate, but it was also attention seeking. A simple, sarcastic comment from her might send him the message that, not only is his comment not going to get the shock he was hoping for, she and her friend are unimpressed by his behavior.

He's in junior high. It's what boys do.

Well the first thing you need to do is teach your daughter how to respond to this kind of thing. Girls need to be strong and confident and be able to tell guys to knock it off when they say or do something rude or gross.
Beyond that, I wouldn't say anything unless this boy seems to be going out of his way to taunt your daughter. THAT is the time to get involved.

Sexual harassment - no
Bullying = no
Inappropriate = YES

YOU get involved with the school over this = No

Your daughter is the one who needs to take control, stand up for herself and call him out on it. IF he persist, IF he threatens her, IF she feels she is in true danger......then daughter needs to step it up and go to the counselor.

Our girls need to be empowered to stand up for themselves and not rely on mom and dad to come to the rescue all the time. Of course there are times we are needed to come to the rescue but AFTER they have used their resources to solve the issue.

We teach this in school as well. The phrase we use is "See 3 before me" which is to help the children work through their own issues before involving teachers and authorities.

Case in point... my daughter is a black belt. She never advertised the fact that she was in martial arts. When she was in middle school, there was an altercation at my home when a couple of boys approached her. I happened to be watching from inside and you bet I was ready to pounce. Once boy raised his arm toward her.... suddenly, I saw her complete stance change and I knew she was in fight mode. She scared the he$$ out of him and this kid never, ever spoke to her again.

Best wishes to your daughter..

I agree with your husband.

Tell your daughter if he says it again, loudly say, how would you know! That will shut him up! and get a laugh from all the other girls.

Added per your SWH: Good for you and good for your daughter. What I don't understand is why people here want to give this boy a pass. If MY sons said something like that, I'd want to know and they'd be scrubbing toilets every day for a month. This sounds like they are looking at it like "boys will be boys" and it should NOT be allowed. THIS is the kind of stuff that precipitates frat boy like behavior later on in life that crosses lines.

Original:
Why would you drop it? If you do, then you are teaching your daughter that it's okay for a boy to talk to her like that and that she has to accept being talked to like that. AND you are making sure that the boys talk like this to other girls.

I don't understand why you'd even consider dropping it.

I remember in seventh grade a guy patted my bottom in the hallway, I turned around and very loudly called his name and told him, " Mark Smith, STOP. NEVER touch me again! "

Everyone stopped and stared at him..

No one messed with me again. They knew I would call them out.

If she does not know his name, she could have said," hey you in the blue tshirt, do not EVER Speak to ANYONE like that again. Inappropriate! "

She needs to learn to speak up not only for herself, but for all people that could be treated like this from him in the future.

Please listen to Singlemama2boys. She is correct about the definition of sexual harassment. Just because your daughter was too shocked to tell off this boy, that does not let him off the hook! He did sexually harass her with this comment even if she did not reply in any way.

From the online free legal dictionary: "The courts have generally concluded that a victim need not say or do a particular thing to indicate unwelcomeness."

A teacher said below that "By legal definition it isn't harassment unless your daughter said out loud that she did not like it and it happened again despite that." Wow. If that is the not-so-legal standard in some schools, it certainly is not the legal standard in the rest of the real world.

It's disturbing that women are posting on this site that a woman (or girl) must somehow notify the offender that she does not welcome the harassment in order for it to BE harassment. Not true. The nature of harassment is such that women often are too shocked to say anything in the moment, and fear retaliation if they say anything afterward -- so nothing gets said at either time. That is too often interpreted as, "Well, it must not have bothered her since she didn't say anything at the time." But you know how deeply it upsets your child.

SingleMama is right -- Would your husband be OK with a man saying that to a woman in his workplace? That would be cause for discipline in any decent workplace, no question. If your husband does not get that now, I worry about whether he is equipped to help your daughter if she faces other such issues in middle and high school.

I would empower my daughter to have a clear and strong response ready for crude comments. It's unfortunately not the last time she'll have something inappropriate said to her. Teach her what to say and how to say it. Have her practice with you. If someone says something crude to her more than once, after she has said something like "don't speak to me that way," then it's harassment and should be reported.

BTW, it's great that she told you. Ask her what she would like you to do. If she wants to report the kid now, give her your support. If she doesn't, then do as above. I want to add that not reporting it immediately isn't about a "boys will be boys" mentality - girls this age are equally crude and say equally shocking things. The difference with girls is that they normally don't say things that offend or tear down boys - it's usually spreading a nasty rumor about another girl or saying something about a girl that is meant to tear her down.

In any case, keep doing what you're doing because clearly the lines of communication between you and your daughter are open and a lot of kids would never have told their parents something like this. So good job!

I started to read the other responses and stopped (don't have time to do that right now). Was it inappropriate? yes. Was it sexual harassment/bullying? maybe/no (it was possibly sexual harrassment but it was not bullying). Should you call the school? No, at least not yet.

I can see where you may consider it sexual harrassment but I am of the opinion that one remark does not rise to that level. The offended party should tell the offender something along the lines of "Don't say things like that to me" or "That's offensive"....something. If it continues then it would be harrassment and she should go to the teacher, counselor, or principal.

I don't think it was bullying. That term is too widely used these days and with the zero tolerance policies it is definately a hot button. Kids will be kids and to some degree we've got to let kids experience and handle things. Not that kids should be rude, offensive, or the typical school yard bully but when it is that, we have to NOT scream "bullying" every time....see it for kids learning to deal with each other and correct inappropriate behavior. When it rises to true bullying (if not stopped before that), then we should call what it is and apply the policy appropriately.

I think your daughter should have called the boy out on his inappropriateness. Since she didn't, I would let this go this time. Boys this age are trying to show off for the girls, be cool to their peers, and just plan showing off. I don't think this sends red flags (at least not in and of itself).

If he says or does something else she should call him on it. If the next comment or action is too over the top she should directly report him; otherwise she should allow him the chance to head her warning to stop. If after telling him and then reporting him it continues, THEN I would contact the school myself. As is, I agree with hubby that you are making a bigger deal out of it than it currently is (unless there are previous issues).

They are in seventh grade. Teach your daughter to stand up for herself, say something back and move on.

Yes, it was inappropriate, but it was not bullying or sexual harassment. Next time he says something about strange colors for female genitalia, she needs to tell him, "If your girlfriend's privates are the color of white chocolate, you need to tell her to see a doctor."

I'm sorry, but the statement makes zero sense. It would make as much sense if he said a girl's private part is the same color as green grass. SO 1, the boy really has no clue, and 2, I don't see what the big deal is. Was in appropriate - no. But definitely making a mountain out of a mole hill. In middle school, so much worse is said. The whole sex thing, and the opposite sex, is a huge curiosity point at that age. He's either fishing for info or just trying to get a rise out of girls. I'd tell my daughter to just ignore him.

I think it was handled properly. The remark made her uncomfortable, it was inappropriate and she reported it. What's so ridiculous about that?

A boy made a comment to my GD and her friend. I can't recall what it was but she turned around and told him if he ever spoke to her that way again, she would punch him in the face. He has not talked to her AT ALL since then. Hooray! BTW, if he did speak to her like that again and she punched him, no matter what the school does, hubby and I would take her out to celebrate!

The legal definition of sexual harassment says nothing about having to tell the person you don't like it - it's easy to look up, btw. And it's just simple common sense. A woman in the workplace doesn't have to tell a man his comments about her breasts are unwelcome - it's common sense that it's inappropriate and sexual harassment. The same applies here - the only difference is that we are talking about people young enough that the common sense I'm referring to may not be fully in place to help them realize this without the help of parents and other adults.

I would have your daughter report it. It will teach her to stand up for herself, it will teach others that she can and will stand up for herself, and it will give more weight to the complaint when it comes directly from her rather than from her parent. If she wants you to go with her for moral support, that's fine, but she should be the one to report this. You can work with her at home to help her find the right words to get her message across, if she's not sure exactly what to say (describing her feelings, etc.), but again, when she's reporting it, she needs to be the one doing the talking.

As far as your husband, ask him if he thinks it's okay for him to make a statement like that to someone he works with - or any woman in general (other than you, of course). If he says no, then hopefully, that will get the point across to him. If he says yes, then maybe it's time to rethink the hubby.

I'd be raising hell-I would let everyone know, teachers, principal, parents, etc. The sad of it is, apart form the gravity of the language, that if your daughter would have slapped him across the face, she would be in trouble. What's he going to be doing at age 10, 14, 16?? Not pretty.

Well, would your husband think it was okay to say that to one of his co-workers? It's the same thing. Kids are supposed to be learning how to become responsible adults. This one isn't succeeding.

How would he know? Seriously, how would he know? Unless he's being taught by his mom or dad. If that's so then just what are they teaching him? Did he see this being eaten so they said that to him so he'd find it appetizing? Seriously!

IF IF IF someone at home is teaching him this then why wouldn't they tell this child that it's not to be talked about outside of the house? His parents would be in huge trouble if he mentioned what was going on at home even if he was trying to get a cute girl to like him.

This statement sends up so many red flags to me.

Then think about this. IF he was so comfortable saying this to your daughter I would think either he's trying to get her to like him, the bad boy image and all, so he can bring her home to daddy or train her for himself.

Really, there would be no second of hesitation in this situation. Something is terribly wrong in this home.

Or kiddo heard daddy and mom having sex and daddy said to mommy "Oh Honey, it's like white chocolate down here" and kiddo didn't understand what that meant.

Either way, this boy said something sexually inappropriate to your daughter and he should be brought into the office and get into trouble.

Here is my teacher perspective. Was it bullying? No, not if it has happened just once. Was it sexual harassment? By legal definition it isn't harassment unless your daughter said out loud that she did not like it and it happened again despite that. Was it inappropriate? Most definitely. Should it be reported? Yes, by your daughter and her friend. Reported by someone who wasn't there it is heresay. If they feel they need more support, you can go with them, but they need to do all of the talking. You need to be a silent participant. I think she should tell a teacher first. The teacher should either address what happened with the offending student or contact the principal or couselor and let that person address it with the student. If the teacher doesn't follow through then go straight to the principal or counselor. It needs to be on record that this is happening. It may have been a one time thing, it may not be.

The fact is that it made your daughter feel "extremely uncomfortable." She didn't feel that it was funny, silly, or like laughing it off. She felt extremely uncomfortable. Therefore you're not making a mountain out of a molehill.

Men have the luxury of saying bullsh like that because these things don't happen to them. They're most often the ones perpetuating it.

Sure, the boy could have been making a statement and nothing more and sure, he could be developmentally "off" however, this is not a boys will be boys situation. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE HISTORY IS. Once is enough to report it. Once is enough to have made your daughter uncomfortable enough to tell you, her mother. Sexual harassment DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PATTERN between this one boy and your daughter. It only has to happen once for it to be a reportable offense.

This CAN NOT be a situation where your husband is willing to teach his daughter that sexual harassment is okay and to keep your mouth shut thank you very much. Your daughter does NOT HAVE TO say no or that she didn't like it in order for it to qualify as sexual harassment. Good farking grief, I can't believe someone just said that. Being reported by a parent is just as good as being reported by the child, because it will be followed up by an investigation. If the school does nothing then you report it to CPS or the police.

In other words, please speak up and say something. Your daughter needs to know that you're willing to defend her at all times no matter what. And yes words CAN hurt.

EDIT: I'm just shocked that anyone would think the OP is over-reacting at all. This is how it starts. When people don't call the boys out at this age and tell the girls it's really no big deal and they're over-reacting and all they need to do is stick up for themselves. TEACH THEM HOW TO DO IT BY BEING THE PARENTS AND STICKING UP FOR THEM. Anything less and THAT is how you create a blame-the-victim mentality and I'm seriously disappointed and disgusted right now at people. Sickened. This is the age when you show the children, middle school, when they do know better, that whether they say or do things like this EVEN JUST ONCE it needs to be dealt with seriously. If it's not, it makes them more bold. This is the type of situation that not only creates sexual harassers and sexual predators, but bullies.

No big deal. What the hell are people thinking.

I would also tell the other girl's parents. I would be all over this!

Your daughter is going to be very self-conscious around this boy now. He probably loved that he shocked them.

I'm am so against tattling. So, when I say report something, moms who are frequently on this site will know that it must be a problem. By the way, I'm a teacher.

I just read your question.

I agree completely with you going along with your daughter to the principle for moral support. I have 2 boys (15 and 11) and they better not say anything like that to a girl!!

My son had a run in with a boy a month or so ago and I couldn't believe the nasty (sexual) things this boy called and said to my son. It really makes you wonder what kind of household the kid is growing up in.

M

I agree with Boss Fan. Sure, it was inappropriate, but it was not bullying or even sexual harassment. Plus, it was wrong. Where does this poor boy get his information?

Teach your daughter that when someone says something inappropriate to her that she should speak up and say so. "Don't say those things to me!" She's also the one that should be reporting it if she's so inclined. She's definitely old enough.

Call the school and say something immediately.
It's sexual harassment/bullying and the school needs to discipline this boy.
It's not to be tolerated, your husband is wrong and I'm surprised he is not more concerned about this.

Because she is in seventh grade I would teach my daughter how to deal with inappropriate comments herself. It certainly won't be the first one she hears. This one was pure nonsense anyway. I don't think the school needs to be involved, unless of course it escalates. Your daughter needs to have an appropriate response to these types of comments.

ETA: I agree with those who have said that this is neither bullying or sexual harassment. We teach the kids in elementary school that they are not to report to the teachers until they have made an effort to deal with the situation themselves first. The child is to ask the other child to stop doing whatever it is that is bothering them and then only if it continues are they allowed to report it. The same as we do as adults.

ETA: Every definition I have seen of sexual harassment includes "persistent and unwanted sexual behaviours". Persistent would mean more than once, and unless the perpetrator is told that his advances/comments are unwelcome he does not know they are unwelcome. He may even assume that they are welcome if not told otherwise.

7th grade kids say all manner of dumb things. I'd teach my daughter to speak up for herself and tell the boy he's an idiot. Then I'd let it go. Because yes, this seems like overreacting to me. You can't protect your daughter from every offensive comment that kids around her will make. Instead, teach her to differentiate between dumb comments (this one) and scary or inappropriate ones.

If the boy had said anything actually suggestive or violent, I'd be talking to the school.

Let your daughter handle it. You would probably be shocked at what kids say and talk about. She needs to learn to to make decisions herself. If she thinks the teacher should know, then let her mention it. 7th graders are not innocent and, sorry to say, your daughter is not either. So I would drop it.
Just keep the lines of communication open with your daughter.

That's just the things you hear about... the kids talk about much much more in and amongst themselves.. this includes the girls... It's definitely inappropriate and does cross boundaries.. but it's not sexual harassment.. However, if it truly bugs your daughter enough, then ask her, does she want you to speak to the teacher. maybe allow her to make the choice.

although gotta give the kid credit for using figurative language...

Before I read your SWH, I was basically going to say that if your DD feels harassed, she should talk to the counselor or a teacher.

I also have a 7th grade daughter, and I agree with all the posters who say it's time to empower your daughter to speak up herself, so you don't have to. LOVE C. Lee's response! Tell your daughter to say exactly that! I'm guessing this kid heard this somewhere and is using it to try to get attention (even negative attention!). I also have a feeling that even the majority of boys in the 7th grade would think he's an idiot if they heard him say it. YUCK.

Your daughter is going to hear lots of inappropriate things in her lifetime from men and women. Best thing to do is help her out with her reaction to it and remind her that it's great that she came to you.

You could bring it up to the guidance counselor. But let's face it, 12 year old boys are all the same. They won't change.

I wonder what he will think when he finds out his statement is so untrue!! :)

I haven't read your other answers yet-with that said:
I would say something to the principal. Maybe this boy meant nothing by it, maybe he was attempting a very awkward flirtatious moment. But, maybe he was being mean and rude.
At the very least, your daughter thought enough of it to tell you, and I think you should bring it to the attention of the principal so that the boy can be talked to about the appropriate way to speak to girls. You may just be the person that helps the "system" curb the next peeping Tom, or pedophile. You never know, so I wouldn't let it go unnoticed.

I guess my mother response would depend on the boy and the past history with this boy. Is he 'off' to begin with? (It sure sounds like it!) Is he always saying inappropriate things? Was it directed at them?

I guess what I am saying is I would go through my mental checklist in order to decide what I should do. Only you know the answers to the questions and can determine whether this needs to be elevated to the school administration or if this is a lesson in 'you'll meet all kinds so be prepared'.

I don't know honey but I think what you did was correct. I would have lost it if a boy spoke to one my daughters like that. I would have went straight to the boys teacher and then met with the principal of the school. Your daughter being in the 7th grade and coming to you with that was awesome. That means she trusts you and knows that she can let you know if she feels something is not right. I see in other comments that other mommies have left saying that people always say things that we might not like and we have to deal with them. True but not all comments are going to be of that nature. When it comes to our bodies, I think that is very private and for little boys to tell little girls something like that is rude, disgusting and just ridiculous. Just because there are a lot boys "like that" according to some folks, does not make it okay. His parents should know about what he said as well. You let your daughter make the decision and you stood at her side...that's all that matters because you both did the right thing. In my opinion...Good job!

I wouldn't call it "sexual harassment" - YET - but it's inappropriate. Once is stupid male behavior, TWICE is the start of a pattern. He's 12, he's an idiot, he probably thinks he's funny. But if he keeps it up, he should pay the price.

What might be a good idea is going to the school counselor, bringing this up as a general issue, and letting them know that they need to start addressing this issue with the general school population.

I think you both did the right thing! If it did bother her, and it obviously did, the right thing was to go to the counselor. I think it's wonderful she was able to talk to you about it and wonderful that you supported her decision. I hope this boy gets the idea!