Boyfriend Always Clubbing.

A., honestly, you won't like what I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway. You don't know what the definition of a good father is. You know the definition of a poor partner since you're writing here, but you don't seem to understand what he is doing to you is also what a bad father does to their kids.

You decided that you wanted to have a child. But you weren't honest with yourself. He's not husband or father material. You "love him" because you fell for the "bad boy" in him, and then you pretended that he could change and be the man you wanted him to be. You aren't the only star-struck "girl" who can't think past the "But I luvvvv him!" mentality. But it's your undoing. And now you've saddled yourself with two children that you cannot support on your own and his child from his unsuccessful marriage. Your domestic "bliss" is not something that he is remotely interested in. You are his kid's babysitter, his maid and cook, his sex outlet and his baby mama. You are also the person who tells him no, wants a ball and chain on him to keep him from his REAL fun, going out with the guys, and getting pissed at him for his enjoyable laziness smoking where and when he wants. THIS is what you have - NOT a man who loves you. Just a man who uses you and knows how to keep you tied down and subjugated to him. He knows you can't go anywhere because you have tied your balloon strings to him with children who you have to be responsible to. So WHY would he change anything?

He won't.

So who will change? It will end up having to be you. You have made your bed. Either lie in it and be miserable, or start making plans to help yourself and eventually not have to depend on him for a roof over your head and food to feed the kids. And stop having kids with ANYONE.

This is not a man. The is a boy. A man takes care of his family. Its not just financial, its emotional and spiritual as well. You say he is 38. There is a reason why he is either divorced or split from his son's mother. Chances are he did the same thing to her.

Sweetie, you decided to take custody of a baby you couldn't support. You decided to have a child with someone you knew was a partyer and a child you can't support. Those are choices with huge consequences.

Finish with our degree ASAP. Make a plan. If he doesn't want to change, then you are going to have to make some changes. You need to look long and hard at your life and start making better decisions because you have two little ones depending on you.

wow, what a litany of excuses!
so, you have a planned pregnancy with a man whom you love and with whom you've had numerous fruitless discussions and who is old enough to be past the 'clubbing' age and wanted this baby and takes care of you financially and is a great dad to his son and your niece but smokes around you all, ignores your discussions and goes out partying with his buddies every weekend.
nope. no problems here.
khairete
S.

Take your niece and go. File for state assistance programs while you are pregnant until you can get back on your feet and get a job once the baby is born.

So he always wanted to go partying and clubbing, yet you thought it was not only a good idea to stay in this relationship, but to actively get pregnant by this man child? Did you think he was going to change and become a great father all of a sudden? Here is a hint: if he thinks clubbing with his buddies is more important than being a father to his 11-year-old, perhaps you should NOT have children with this man or even consider a serious relationship. He's not going to fawn over your child if he isn't fawning and making time for his other kid! To him, his guy time is more important than doing things as a family, or having his son spend the weekend and sleep over. When you had your baby niece in the house, you should have already seen the red flags that he'd act no differently if he had a child because his partying comes first. The minute that behavior started bothering you, you should have gone to counseling, not get pregnant.

I find this need for guy time alone to be suspicious, to be honest with you...I hope you're using birth control, because if he is out for 5+ hours every day of the weekend, there is more going on than just watching a football game and playing pool. I have plenty of guy friends who have relationships and they always bring their girlfriend along, or if they have guy time, it's once or twice a month for a few hours, and the girls have their own girl time. They don't just leave their significant other at home till the wee hours of the morning every single day of the weekend and tell them to deal, nor do they whine if their significant other asks them to forgo guy time. If their significant other says the guy time is bothering them, they put their significant other over their friends, like they should.

You both need to grow up, and you need to make better choices for yourself, your future children, and spend more time getting to know someone before making babies, so you can be sure he is a mature, responsible man. Just because you want a family doesn't mean you have kids with the first guy that decides to pay you attention. You can have a family in the future WITH THE RIGHT MAN, you're only 27. You can also adopt, assuming your concern is your biological clock, though again, at 27, you're quite young to have such concerns. Having a job so you don't have to depend on anyone wouldn't hurt either. It's one thing to be with someone long-term, realize he is a great provider and decide you can be a SAHM because he makes enough $, and to get with someone you barely know and cannot trust, who KNOWS you need his $, is an irresponsible frat boy, and then allow him to walk all over you out of desperation because you have no income.

Why don't you move in with your parents or some other family member until you have enough money to support yourself? Either that, or have someone take care of the kids until you can get on your feet (someone below suggested adoption, even). Other than opening his wallet for you, this guy sounds useless, I am not sure what is so great. Can't buy me love, and his actions don't say to me that he loves you. He sounds like a narcissist and a crybaby who always wants to win and get his way.

ETA: A. - a GREAT DAD does NOT put his friends over his family. A GREAT DAD does NOT smoke in front of his kids. I've been married for 20 years this October. My husband does NOT smoke in the house. EVER. He keeps his jacket away from our kids.

This "man" is NOT a great dad. He's a crappy human being passing off his kids to your care and getting free sex and free maid service in you. WAKE UP. Call your local welfare office for information on medical assistance, financial assistance and housing. You won't be fast-tracked to first priority because you're not in physical danger. But since you aren't leaving him due to money? You can bide your time and save your money until housing opens up for you.

you TRULY need counseling. Sorry. But really? Planning a baby with a "MAN" you really didn't take the time to get to know. You don't appear to have ANY common interests. The only thing keeping you together is money. How sad.
_________________________

Welcome to mamapedia, A.,

This is why you should have waited for sex until marriage. Sorry to be rude or even a prude, but damn. You're pregnant with a "man" (I use that term loosely) who wants to party all the time. He's not ready to grow up.

He's got what he wants - free sex and a free baby sitter - in you. You are sticking with him because of money. Worst reason to stick with someone. I'd rather be in a shelter or living with my dad than sticking with someone because of money.

Your gut is telling you what to do. Unfortunately, you're stuck with this dude for the next 18 years with the kid...next time? Get to know the guy and wait to have sex until after you're married.

You and your "boyfriend" don't have anything in common. Nothing is keeping you together but money. Sorry. You need to tell him to give up his parental rights and raise the baby on your own, unless you want this noose around your neck for the next couple of decades....

good luck

I think you do have some issues going on.

#1, you are right. You are pregnant and no one is going to hire you when they know in a few months they are going to have to run another add and train another new staff. Because they own't hold your job for you. Not unless they're a large company with tons of employees. If they're a smaller business they're going to have to hire someone to do your job and then when you're ready to come back they don't have to fire that other person to put you back to work. You'll be lucky if there is anything available.

So, you need to figure out what you want in the long run. You're pregnant and can't work so the only thing you have going for you is that he provides for you. You have a roof over your head, how would you provide that without him? Do you have a family that will put you up in an apartment and pay all the bills? How do you feel about state assistance? He won't be there so you won't be covered by his insurance anymore. You'll have to apply for benefits from the state for your own and your children's medical care. Food stamps, welfare, and what else?

Will you need to get on the low income housing waiting lists? That's always an option if you don't have the skills that will get you a job that gives you enough to live on.

#2, you are nearly 30 years old. This was a planned pregnancy. You are an adult and know what your choices are. Do you want to live on your own? Do you want to stay where you are? Do you have an education? What are you able to do to support yourself and your children?

#3. I'd tell him you want to chat about stuff and set an appointment. Kids need to be gone, have them go to friends houses or something. Tell him that you feel all alone on the weekends, he gets his kiddo each day after school but what about weekends? Do you get to manage him all weekend too? Every other weekend?

I'd tell him that I was looking at other options for living and things if he said he enjoys going out with his friends and isn't going to stop. He's an adult. Men don't go out with friends to clubs unless they're looking for easy women. You know this. So if he's going to clubs he's doing what while he's there? Dancing? Playing pool? Drinking? If so, where is the money coming from? Does he make so much that he can throw away money on alcohol like that? Are the bills getting paid? There are so many other things that you need to consider.

If he is not interested in being with you full time then you have to decide. Are you going to use him for a place to stay until you have this baby then you can get back to work in 6 weeks? Then save up some money so you can pay rent?

What is your plan for yourself and your children? If you don't have a plan then you have no reason to be thinking about anything. Talk to him and find out what his plans are. If he's with you he's with you. If he's not then you need a plan so that you can afford to live on your own.

Once the baby comes he should pay child support too if you're not together. Do NOT count that money in the budget. It's extra. If he doesn't pay it you cannot be dependent on it. You have to be able to pay all your bills and live on your own income. If you can't do that they you need to have a plan as to how you are going to live without being with him.

You know, A., I'm a bit confused at the conflicting information. You say he's a great dad and helps out with your niece, and then you say he's never around and not exercising good judgment.

Sometimes we see the signs of troubling behavior in a relationship but want it to be right so badly what we ignore them, thinking that a baby will make our bond stronger. I get it, I've been there, fortunately I didn't get pregnant with my ex-husband or I would likely have a very different tale to tell.

You can talk with him, communicate needs, "Could you please...?",...constructive feedback, your expectations. I don't know either one of you or what your relationship dynamic is, but ultimately, you decide how you want to be treated and what you are willing to put up with. Was this a surprise baby? Even if it's a planned pregnancy, he may know that once the baby comes he has to be home more often. Yes, party time should be over, but was his choice to have this child with you? Or maybe he's feeling trapped, I don't know. I do know that being a parent needs to be both person's choices. I also know that being married provides more legal protection for you and can be a boon when it comes to financials/filing taxes. (By the way, this isn't a judgmental statement on my part, my current husband and I were together for 5 years before we had our son, and then married a couple years later.) I just think there's more to this situation than you might be illustrating in your original post. Pregnancy can be highly emotional times for both men and women alike. Identifying ways to be solution-oriented would be a good place to start.

As you make future plans, just keep asking yourself if this is the kind of spouse you would want for your children? This may seem trivial but I can't get over the fact that your boyfriend's friends called at midnight expecting he would go out. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS, would my husband have friends that would do this. Not at 38. Not at 28. Yes, maybe 18, but they were stupid kids then. Please don't wait so long that you settle into an awful comfort zone with this dude. You and your babies deserve better. He's got you just where he wants you...pregnant and dependent on him and he is doing whatever the heck he wants now.

He wants clubbing?
So club him!
(Just kidding) (sort of)
If he hasn't grown up by now, it's not likely that he's going to.
(I can just picture him tottering out to a club with a walker when he's 80 yrs old.)
He's a grown man - although he's not acting like it - and it's not your job to mother him or raise him.
(I've got to wonder what it is you see in a guy who likes to party so much that you thought it was a good idea to have sex with and get pregnant by him.)
You've got real babies to take care of so make your escape plan and put it into action.
If you stay with him have your tubes tied when you have this child because having more kids with him isn't going to make this situation any better.
Talk to a womens shelter to get all your ducks in a row.
He might never grow up.
You are about to become a mama and that forces you to grow up in so many ways.
You are about to out grow him.
Be prepared to move on.

Additional:
I'm not sure what your question is.
You either accept him as he is and live with it more or less happily.
Or if you can't accept it - you leave.
There is no changing him.
The only thing you can change is your outlook or your address.

He's cheating on you.

He's a jerk. How long have you been dating the man child?

Maybe you should reconsider an open adoption for your niece and the new baby.

Then you should get a job, work your way up, & save money, maybe even going to school. Then you figure out what you want in a MAN, get married then have a baby. And I'm not 'casting a stone', just trying to help you NOT repeat this bad cycle of life of got yourself in.

Please keep and open mind about adoption. It sounds harsh but could be a great option for baby and mother. Also think about the hardships you are placing on these children in your circumstances; no job, little income, unwed, jerk for a boyfriend, little education etc.

Wish you well

He is telling you who he is and what is important to him it's up to you to listen.

Sounds to me like he's doing what's important to him: working, clubbing, smoking and complaining about you. I don't see caring for 2 babies (1 niece, 1 on the way), raising an 11 year old, keeping cigarette smoke away from others, and having a productive relationship with you anywhere on that list.

I have the same questions as raised below: has it always been this way? Did something happen that changed him? Was this a planned pregnancy or did he feel blindsided and overwhelmed? Did he always smoke and did you know that when you started dating? Did he always smoke around your niece and his son? What broke up his relationship with his son's mother? Did she have the same problems you are facing? I see your note below (that somehow showed up as an answer rather than an edit or a "So What Happened") that he was a great father - can you define that and tell us (or yourself) what about him was a "great father"? Does he smoke with his 11 year old around? Is he possibly reacting to a "high maintenance" niece and the upcoming new baby and getting in his "last fling" with the guys? Where is his 11 year old when your BF is gone Fri/Sat/Sun? Are you caring for him? If so, why? Does your BF usually whine? "You never let me do anything" sounds like something an 8 or 12 year old would say. Is that your usual dynamic?

And why does he think any of this is okay?

It's great that you are almost done with your degree, but you will have 2 kids under 18 months and that's a lot to juggle. I think comments that "you decided to get pregnant" and so forth are kind of water under the bridge now - you have to deal with the reality you are in rather than the factors that led you into this situation.

As always, get counseling to figure out what you want, go with him to learn how to negotiate for your own needs, and get him to go with you to work on this totally dysfunctional relationship. You talk "over and over" but nothing changes. So you have to change the conversation.

You can also get some good help individually to help you prioritize yourself, your time, your body and your niece, plan your finances (if you are having a baby and he's already paying to support your niece, how is there so much money for clubbing?), and make some decisions. You cannot stay in an untenable situation because of fear.

Talk to your doctor about finding a counselor who takes your medical insurance, or call a women's clinic for support groups and counseling referrals.

Was there a time in your relationship when he Wasn't always clubbing and prioritizing his friends over you? What changed? If he's always been this way, why do you expect him to change now?
I'm sorry. I know I don't sound very sympathetic. But the truth is, I'm not very sympathetic to your situation. It doesn't sound like he is a mature man with good fatherly instincts or any desire to be, and yet you chose to live with him (?) before marriage and get pregnant by him. From my perspective, it looks like this is what you chose. Only now you are complaining about it.

Suzanne W gave good advice. Decide what you want and pursue it. Counseling if necessary. Move on from this man if need be. A future with him (if nothing changes) sounds rather unpleasant and a poor environment in which to be raising 2 small children.
--
ETA:
Regarding this boyfriend who "...he could literally hang with them all day and still go out with them at night. " Does he work? How does he have so much free time?

ETA2:
"great father"
See, we have different understandings of what those words mean, apparently. To you they mean he treats your niece like his own child, but you still don't say what that actually means or looks like. Which seems to me that you take it to mean that he plays with her? Or calls her his?
To me, it means he puts the welfare and well being of his wife and kids above his own. It means he works hard to provide for them. He tries to ease the mom's burdens. He does what is healthiest for them as much as he is able. He supports their mom and shows them what a good man and loving spouse looks like and how they should treat them or expect to be treated (role modeling for his son and showing your niece what to look for in a man). Helping with child care (not "babysitting" but actually helping feed, bathe, potty train, discipline, oversee homework, laundry, etc).
You mention NONE of those things. Not one. What you do mention is the opposite. He leaves her alone with the kids often to go party with his friends and stays out until all hours being unavailable and unhelpful and also creating stress for you. That's not being a good father. Sorry.

All the others gave such great advice... I hope you are taking it all in.

I think you realize this relationship is short term. So in the mean time here is what you can do:
- Adjust your expectations of your BF. He is just financial suppor. Probably won't be much more. Ever.
-Take care of yourself, unborn child and niece. I think you realize change needs to happen, but none of you will be in shape to make it happen for a few months. Use these three months to keep everyone well and healthy
-Get in contact with close friends and family. You will need a support network. Especially one that is local.
-Start socking away money in a secure place, unbeknownst to him.
-Speak with a lawyer. They give free consultations. Start thinking about custody and your rights as a custodial parent.
-Update your resume,network with old colleagues and get any professional paperwork together so that when you jump back into the workforce you may have a smooth landing
-Set a timeline for yourself: in six months start job hunting, nine months talk to lawyer or women's shelter, one year look for housing,etc
- Realize this is not the family you hoped it would be.Give yourself time to mourn that. I'm glad you realize that you may need some professional help (counselor) to address some unmet childhood needs. Include this in your plan sooner rather then later.

I'm a firm believer that when one door closes another one opens. You just have to brave enough to walk through it.

Good luck

It sounds like he liked the idea of playing house but now that reality has hit he is acting out, you know like a child would do. If he was clubbing and putting his friends before you at the beginning of your relationship then he will do the same with you. I asked a guy that works in our department why a man would go out with is friends all weekend and stay out until 3am when he has kids and a pregnant wife at home and he laughed and said you know why. That's how he left it. I don't think he's just hanging out with his friends. He knows that you are dependent on him so he feels he can do what he wants. You need to take a hard look at your relationship and do what's best for you and your kids. Just because he's a good father to the kids it doesn't mean he's good for you. Good luck!!

Seek counseling and how to talk to your SO. Consider what you want out of life and how to accomplish this with or without him. You are not married to him by the way you write your post.

Your SO does not sound as if he has grown up and is ready for the real role of a father or parent. This would be of great concern to me and my future with him.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to be dealing with these kinds of things. Only you can may you happy no one else.

You are in DENIAL. Stop making excuses for this sorry sack of manure.

No, clubbing and leaving his pregnant girlfriend and son alone for his friends is NOT a good man nor a great father.

You made VERY BAD decisions. Were you thinking with your little head? The one between your legs? I'm sorry to be so rude about it, but really? What were you thinking? I don't think you were. Why on earth would you plan a pregnancy with a person (real men don't behave like this) who is only your sugar daddy. That's what you signed up for from my point of view. You saw money and possible great sex and didn't think of ANYTHING else.

You already say you are most likely going to walk away? Great. You're still stuck with him because you have a child with him. You keep making excuses and deflecting things. You need to accept you made a VERY bad decision and figure out what you are going to do from here on out.

I'd much rather live in a shelter or with my family than a POS who jumps out of bed to go clubbing.

The fact that he says " you never let him do anything"? Shows his lack of maturity. Your relationship isn't a relationship that's healthy or good.

If you adopted your niece? She's your daughter. NOT YOUR NIECE.

Tell him what you expect of him. If he can't do that? You're leaving. Pregnant or not. And then do it. No more excuses. No more of the "ooh pity me, I'm pregnant and have a bad picker" this is life. This is the consequences of a VERY BAD decision. Now how are you going to fix it?

get another boyfriend ( an old bsb song) popped into my head as i read this one..
i say ditch the manchild and move on.

It sounds like he is using you for a babysitter for the kids so he can go out and do whatever he likes. If he is spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with friends when is he putting any effort into your relationship and into his relationship with the kids? This is not a family man. This is an immature partier. Plus he is disrespecting you and the health of your unborn baby by smoking around you. I would not want to be with someone like this long term. Do you? I say tell him bluntly how you feel. Tell him you want for things to change in your relationship or you don't know how much longer you can keep doing this. Convince him to do some counseling with you. Keep working on your degree and finish it and apply to every job you see until you get one. If he does not change you may want to leave this relationship and support yourself. I bet you can use your knowledge of who NOT to date to find a family man who is responsible and cares more about you and the kids next time. PS - you know this but make sure you are using contraceptive!

Yes he works m-f but what I seen in him at first was that he was a great father to his so and also exceeded my expectations for raising my niece he helps out so much with her and she is the definition of a high mantaince baby. I'm not looking for a pitty party, I know I need to get things done. I'm almost done with school I have four classes until I get my degree.