Boyfriend Issues

wow, im going to be a little harsh and say that it sounds to me like the older man syndrome. Older men who date women that much younger than them are expecting to find a woman they can control.

Go back to counseling or get out. It will only get worse, you know it better than I do. The fact that he takes time out for himself without you and the kids speaks volumes. If he were really in this with you, he would be helping YOU get out and have some alone time. I repeat, if you can't/won't go back to counseling, Get Out!!

Even though you kept saying "my sons," they are in fact your "selfish" friend's sons too. Under California law, your children are entitled to be supported by their father. Go online to any California Child Support Calculator and see what the State feels is an "unselfish" amount to force your friend to pay you for your reproductive services and caretaking. It is probably a number in the one to two thousand a month range.

S., please try to bear in mind that my motive is truly not to hurt your feelings, but I am praying that you will stop and re-read your own post and hopefully find your own answers. So, the father of your two wonderful sons is simply your boyfriend, hasn't cared enough to make you his wife, and he makes about 7x as much money as you do, but wants you to pay equal amounts for the care of his children and loves to go off and play without you. You are so much in love with him that an argument is enough to make you want to throw in the towel. You know that counseling was helpful to your relationship in the past, but you're not interested enough in saving the relationship to go back to the one thing that actually worked - you'd rather try something that doesn't involve your boyfriend and just ask a bunch of strangers for advice.

Sounds like something is dreadfully wrong doesn't it? And, remember, this is your description of the situation. I have no doubt that you are a good and loving mom, that comes through loud and clear, but you need to do something about this relationship with their father because this is the relationship that your boys are going to use to model their future relationships with women and right now that gives me a cold chill down my spine. We only have your viewpoint here, but clearly your boyfriend is content to get you pregnant without taking pride in making you his wife or giving the boys his name (or if the boys have his name then that means that you don't even share the same name as your boys) and it doesn't sound as though he's concerned with caring for his family financially. Although, I'm not certain that he sees the three of you as "family." You need to decide what you truly want from this relationship. You already have been blessed with 2 little boys, but do you want to create an actual family or what are you really doing? Do the boys have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas? I know that it's less common these days to spend holidays with extended families, but it's honestly such a source of security, love, and good training to offer your children the benefit of the extended family - playing with cousins, being teased by uncles, knowing that they are the future of the family and precious in the sight of these relatives.

Let's just come back into your own household. You have your own worthwhile dreams and goals that sound very reasonable, but I'm not sure how much support you are getting from the boyfriend. What do you want from him? Is he grateful that you've given him 2 wonderful sons? If not, is this a healthy relationship for you? For the boys?

You might have felt like you were something of a pioneer when you started this relationship with an older man, having children out of wedlock, and more or less living your own lives, but it's pretty difficult to actually foresee all the needs, desires, and dreams that don't fit into that sort of lifestyle. There are no vows between the two of you, nothing that society recognizes as commitment, so I think if you are not content with the status quo that you are going to have to determine if he is willing to alter the basic foundation of your relationship in order to provide you with what you want. Just don't let your problems within this relationship go on so long or to the extent that they end up making the boys feel as though they are responsible for the problems. Do you feel that he will stay in contact with the boys if your relationship ends? Will he assist you financially?

Even if your boyfriend, through his decision or yours, does not go back for counseling, I hope that you are willing to go for more counseling. It sounds like you are functioning as a single parent even now, but it may become even more so and it helps to have someone to talk to about the unexpected feelings that you might have. Whatever you and your boyfriend ultimately decide to do, I pray that it will be the best for the boys (first) and then best for the two of you. Marriage is really hard under the best of circumstances, but it really does help when there are vows and promises made in front of God and family and when each partner has specific expectations of themselves and each other. Of course, all that works best when those involved can be counted upon to honor their vows and commitments and we know there are too many who take those so lightly that it's almost like not being married anyway.

My first concern, though, is for your boys - children deserve the best childhood possible and the most family support possible. This world is becoming more and more scary and unstable and it helps when all of us can find safety, love, and comfort within our own homes. May God bless and keep you and yours, S.. Be strong - you sound like you have some excellent goals and good ideas. Just think how much fun you'll have teaching those boys to surf and play beach volleyball in a few years!! What great memories you will help them make!

S. Russ
Phoebe Amanda PSDit, my God-given Happy Pill!
Bekah Sue PSD retired: at the Bridge - always in my heart, until we are reunited!

The chief danger that confronts the coming century will be religion without the Holy Ghost, Christianity without Christ, forgiveness without repentance, salvation without regeneration, politics without God, heaven without hell. William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army in late 1800's

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them, or to them." (Malcolm Forbes, 1919-1990)

http://shaunaru.bravehost.com/mygirl.html
http://www.animaltalknaturally.com/2007/01/20/shining-sta...
http://www.bark-n-blog.com/ http://www.dogster.com/dogs/401894
http://www.psychdog.org/
http://www.thebereancall.org/

Dear S.,i'm a 23 yr old single mother, with a 9 month old son. I recently got out of a relationship similar to yours. My sons father is very selfish, and controlling, he was always telling what to do and where to be at what time, and if i wasn't he'd get mad and make a bunch of threats. I'm so much happier not being with him. And fortunately, there are a bunch of options out there for mothers in your position. I was always against going on welfare, but there came a point where i had to suck it up and get financial assistance, theres also wic and hud. And if you decide to go back to school you will most likely qualify for grants and loans which will give you about $4,000, and that way you can go to school part time and still be at home with your boys, i enjoyed every moment being home with my son and now that i'm working a $10/hr 5 days a week, i really miss him. But you and your boys happiness and welfare come first, you don't want your boys to grow up and think its ok to control people especially in relationships.
I hope i was able to help some. I'm new to this thing so i'm not sure how it really works, but if your able to write back i'd like to keep in contact i think its important for women in similar situations to communicate and help and support each other. Much aloha dani

I truly believe you two have forgotten why and what made you fall in love in the first place. When was the last time you went on a date? I know that sounds funny, but really. With two small children and his busy schedule you two need time for yourselves. Start dateing again. My husband and I have three kids and he works like your boyfriend...lots. But, every friday night with out fail we go out. Sometimes just to dinner sometimes with friends, other times to a movie and dinner. And there are times just quiet time at Barnes and Noble suits us. You two are still in love, just out of like with each other. Both with LOTS of needs and not enough communication.
Take time to breath as a couple. Remember it could take a while so let it.
Give it a try! and Good luck!

May I suggest you get counseling for yourself. Also, you may want to read the book boundaries in marriage by cloud/townsend

A good trait to have is to listen and really listen to what he is really saying. In today's economy his income is probably just getting your family by and with what the future holds in regard to increased prices for fuel, groceries etc. I can understand where he's coming from. Yet, I truly feel that the mother if she wishes and is able to should stay home in at least the early years with the children to raise them and guide them.
Perhaps you can come to a happy medium as to what each of you expect and are willing to do in this case.

Your boyfriend has not committed anything to you or your sons, not even a sound family life with a marriage. Working would cost your family a lot of money to say nothing of how your kids would miss you. It doesn't sound like he's that into either you or your family. I would sincerey suggest you listen to Dr. Laura (radio show). Had I listened to her when I started up with a man older than me, I would not be in the situation I am in today, living in "his home" with "his things" after 10 years of marriage where still nothing has changed.

S.,
What I see is a lack of communication between the two of you. He wants you to do more and you resent him asking that. He wants you to pay for a Nanny. Why not negotiate? He doesn't really sound selfish, he sounds like he takes good care of himself. Do you take good care of yourself? I suggest you sit down with him and go back and forth with feelings and expectations. Also, why aren't you guys married? Living together with two children does nothing but put those kids in jeopardy. If he really cares about you then he will listen if you come across caring and not angry.

Because you are not married, your boyfriend probably sees you, on some level, as free loading off of him. Because he doesn't have the title of husband probably on a sub-conscious level he doesn't really consider his children as his either, but as yours. To secure stability, security and happiness for your children, seek to be married to their father. Marriage does not guarantee anything, but it declares to the world that through thick or thin you are a team focused on the higher good. Illegitimacy will in the long term really casue your boys shame, pain and suffering. And really consider if you want to bring any more innocent children into this situation.

I can relate. I have two children 3 and 4, I am currently in a nursing program and will graduate in August. I work about 15 hours a week as an apprentice nurse and go to school full time. We share all of our money, so what his is mine and what is mine is his. Before I started school I worked as a waitress about 15 to 20 hours a week which was perfect because the job was at night and I only missed out on putting the little ones to sleep and an occasionally dinner. If you have to work, I suggest working nights, because of the cost of childcare and not missing out on the valuable time with your little ones. They are only small once and after you begin the program you will miss a lot. I have to constantly remind myself that this is temporary (the program) and that we will all benefit once I am done. I wish you the best of luck and the only advice I can give is that if you can get away with not working before you start nursing school then do it, because this may be the last bit of true quality time you have with your children. Enjoy it.

Idea number one let Mr. "Wonderful" stay home with the kids all day one time. Hopefully, that will change his tune. You deserve to be loved and respected for who you are. This is a critical time in your children's lives. Do you want someone else to witness you new baby's first smile, tooth, step? Do you want to soothe them when they cry? Is that worth 10 grand to you? Idea number two, if your boyfriend insists on you getting a job sick Dr. Laura on him. Idea number three leave and collect child support. Good Luck!

wow! ft school work and two boys? i do almost that minus 1 child. i have a therapist named Totsie, shes 80 years old and is awesome!!!!! She is in hawaii kai. she helped me learn how valuable i was, i reccomend her highly!
sounds like your boyfriend is being a bit selfish ok a lot selfish!
Let me know if you want her number or want to talk...###-###-####
T.

Unfortunately S., men grow-up at their own pace and if he is almost 50 and is still selfish, well, I am sure you know exactly what I am saying. I too, many moons ago was with a selfish man and painfully had to make some serious decisions about my future. Eventually, I left him and am with someone amazing. So what I am trying to say is make a list of the pro's and con's about your relationship and the way you feel. And BE HONEST with yourself. It's not easy either way you go. But I can say one thing. If you decide to go, make sure that you have let him go in your heart, or else he will have a continuous ticket back to you when ever he wants.
Good luck
T.

I'm sorry S.. What an awful situation. You need to ask yourself why this man, at 44, chose to date a 21 year old girl. I'm sure he likes being completly in control which he could do when you were so young, but now you're a mom and you want the best for your kids and yourself. You are speaking out, and he doesn't like it. He's already been divorced once, dare you ask yourself why? I'd make some serious demands of him, including marriage, if he wants you to stick around. If he won't agree to your demands, start thinking about making it on your own if you can. This man doesn't sound like the most loving dad, so your children won't be missing much. And since he's barely even helping you out financially why bother sitcking around? You're so young. You and your children deserve a loving husband and father!

Call Dr. Laura (am 640 in southern ca) check out her website & many books. Sounds like you need her advice. Keep your sons your priority!!!

Take Care,
Jenn

That's a hard situation, if there were no children I would tell you to run hard and run fast. It sounds like he is anything but interested in supporting you and the children... probably why there is no ring... no ring, no legal obligation to you. "Pay half for this and half for that" is a conversation to be had between divorced couples and business partners, not committed and loving partners/parents.
I would work REAL hard toward becoming a self sufficient woman and mother because it sounds like the relationship is on borrowed time. Get that nursing degree!!! I wish you and your boys a positive and blessed future, with or without the selfish man.

It appears that you have come to the realization that you made a mistake with an old user-loser. After the fact, making babies without a contract doesn't preclude problems, but your chances of a happier and more secure life are better. An older man hooking up with a young woman has the tell-tell signs of an opportunist who doesn't want to play for keeps. Maybe you should ask your shack-up's former wife why they divorced instead of taking his side of the story. You can learn a lot from ex's. Believe me, I've been there. Concentrate on changing yourself, instead of trying to correct the user's behavior. It doesn't sound like you will get what you need for your children from this man, especially if you stay with him in the same scenario. If he has other children, you are definitely out of luck. Through counseling and education, you can straighten out your life and give your children a better life. Turn to your Father in Heaven for help and move on. God bless.

DONT GIVE UP YOUR GOALS!!!!!!! Go to school and be a nurse. As an RN you can make more than him without trying very hard!! Community colleges may wave tuition fees and if you try you can get financial aid and maybe grants. I am a nurse and it is very rewarding - emotionally and financially! In addition it is a good example to set for your boys, because they will watch to try and succeed and know that they can succeed too!! An added bonus - you can go anywhere and get a job!! Nurses are in high demand and you can work in any state and any town once you are licensed. It will be tough with two young children, but I personally know people who have done it (I'm one of them - my kids were 5 and 3 when I started my classes). Also, if it doesn't work out between you two, then you will have no problem supporting yourself and your boys. Good luck - don't give up- your CAN do it!!!!

Dump him! He is way too old and selfish. Thank God your not married. Sorry to say but your boyfriend is a dud! I lived with my boyfriend and didn't pay for anything ever!! You think your falling out of love now, wait until you get older and he is really old. Your young, don't waist your youth. You will regret it later. Go now, get a part time job at a plastic surgeon's office doing whatever is available (receptionsist) Get your foot in the door and then go to school for your nursing. Plastic surgeons are always looking for nurses, they pay great, you get benefits, and work during the work week. By the way, I married my boyfriend and he is an incredible husband! If you have problems now, you will have major ones later. Listen to my advice carefully. If you are not completely happy right now, RUN! He will have to pay child support so that should help you survive. By the way this is strictly my opinion do with it what you will.

Do whatever it takes to become self-sufficient. Your situation sounds tenuous at best, so make sure you have a safety net for when and if things fall apart. Go for your RN. Start planning what you would do (where you would live, how you would support yourself, daycare while you work) in case things get worse. Good luck!

Its time to go, he willhave to pay child support and it will be hard but in the long run you will be happy. you are 25-your whole life ahead of you. he obviously doesn't respect what it takes to be a stay at home mom and to raise two children. Also he is 47 and obviously set in his ways. Maybe if you leave he will come to reality but be prepared that he may not. I am in a similar situation only I have been here going on 8 years, this is the year that I have told my guy either it works or I am gone. It sucks whe you love someone and you have children and you still can't seem to work things out but it's not worth losing your future over. There are guys out there who are willing to participate and share responsibility. It's time to set the standard for yourself and your children of what you will accept. I hope you can lean on your mom/family and you have a support system because that will make things easier.

Ur little 1's will grow fast. and b4 u kno it they out the door. I raised 2 girls by myself without dad n picture. They knew of him but only the picture that hung ovr their beds. Teach them 2 grow up with respect for all and not dwell on materialistic things. Reward them with love. Go 2 parks, museums, and educational things now. Let them play sports or activities and join them n doing it. Artwork and teachn them at home right now school things 2 get them ready 4 that 1st day of school. I went 2 nursing school while pregnant with both my girls. I had did all these things with them, and wrkd 2 jobs. U can do anything u put ur mind 2. Don't let the man walk all ovr u. Get that nursn education. Trust me u do these things with ur children u will b rewarded n the end. Ur boys will grow 2 respect u and will always b there 4 u. Thats how my girls r now. Straight A's and B's thru school. And my oldest graduates from high school this year and my youngest next. If u want 2 talk some more email me ____@____.com my name is R..

First, you need to be a MOM> He is the bio dad and sounds like he can afford child support. Go get it!Even if you stay together, seems like he is trying to make all the rules and determine your future ... so my guess is it won't last any7way... but first and foremost is his responsibilities to your children. Child suppport is not about you... it is about those kids having finacial security... and is he is expecting you to pay half even w the discrepancy in incomes... you need to protect them. He's not going to like it, but it is his lehal and moral duty to provide for those children. Good Luck, and remember the money isn't about you... it's about him doing right by his children NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!

For one thing, you don't have a foundation to stand on. Without marriage, there is no commitment. Ask some hard questions. Why do you stay? Is it only for the roof over your head? If he truly loved you (not lust), he would accept you for who you are and not try to change you. Were you working when you met? Did you discuss parenting before pregnancy? These are all things that should be settled before getting into a relationship. Yes, it is VERY important to take care of your children. Letting a nanny raise them is not the answer. Sounds like he's making a great living, so why should you also. Let him know what you want - lay it out for 5 years. (i.e. Children start school and then you go to school, etc.) If he can't accept that, then let him go. He doesn't really love you. (I know this may not be a popular answer, but I have lived through a similar situation.)

holy cow! i don't even know what to say. it seems like if you left him and he had to pay child support you'd be better off than you are with him.

ok i realize that last statement sounds like 'take the money and run' and that's not actually my advice, but sheesh, this guy sounds like a jerk.

i don't know how to tell you to 'fix' it. if you're not going back to counseling i guess i'd say start there. my ex husband had very similar ideas about a woman needing to pull her own weight, regardless of whether or not kids were in the picture. when we talked about child care and how expensive it was and that i'd rather stay at home his response was 'fine, you can work nights'. he had no value for sahms and it never really got resolved (note how he's now the EX husband)

i stay home with my kids now and my dh loves it, he wouldn't want it any other way. i do have a home based business that generates our second income, but that was my choice and my husband has been totally supportive all along the way. (my business was also something that i pursued because i love it and wanted to do it, my husband didn't have anything to do with me even deciding to start it).

i'd say to make sure your voice is heard, and if he won't listen you can always continue counseling on your own and from there make a decision of whether to stay or go.

good luck!

dont worry about him pressuring you. you do what is best for you and your kids for now. let him keep paying the bills until you are able to go to school and get a good job. then move out!

Hi S.;

I raised four children and two adult children are from previous relationship. I divorce their dad because he is not a nice selfish man,inconsiderate,having another affair with another woman. Then I remarried and we have one daughter which is 16 yrs old daughter and also in Junior College and 14 yrs old son in freshman high school. Here is only my advise to you, please don't be offended because you're 25 yrs old and had 2 children from this boyfriend of yours. If he really love you and care about you,two sons, he will supported you financially and emotionally. Money or any materialistic things does not matter when two people are in love to each other. He should give your freedom and things that you would like to do but not take, take from you. Can you see his point, when it comes to himself, he would like you to be understanding and supported of him but when it comes to you, he wanted more from you. My husband had his own business and he let me stayed home with four children,raised them and keep them busy in school. He is a good provider and he provided everything we needed at home and school, all I have to do is raised and keep the four children busy at all times. So far, we done a good job of raising them and they're not a perfect children but they don't do drugs and alcohol. My 25 yrs old daughter is married,have 18 mths old daughter,honor students and played 5 musical instruments,Gifter talent,in Girl Scout. My 21 yrs old son lived and studied video and game designer in NY. He also played clarinet when he was in Marching Band but he is much more an artist than a music lover. My 16 yrs old daughter is in Junior College already and passed the high school examined and exit, Gift talent,Honor student,played 5 musical instrument and also in Marching Band,Doing Girl Scout Gold Award Application this year,my 14 yrs old is also honor student and played 5 musical instruments and also in Marching Band,Doing Eagle Scout Requirement so that he could get his award. He loved music so much. I invested with different musical instruments at home because my idea is to challenge my children talent in music and art,I also let them join sports,extra curricular activities,classes, etc., When I wanted to go out with my girl friends or travel, I ask my hubby to make it happen. He makes me happy and content because he provided me some enjoyment in life. He makes sure that we lived in comfortable lifestyle, which that's what we wanted to have a simple living. We have everything in our life,financially secure and we are both semi-retired. We are getting ready to put this two teenagers in college then we will travel a lot. We went to Spain,So France,Monaco,So Italy,Switzerland,Germany then England for a month of summer vacation with our two teenagers. We took them almost around the world. We always travel with them because it is important for children to experience,visit difference parts of US and around the world. We them to Philippines,Hongkong,Costa Rica,England,Spain,Italy,France,Monaco,Switzerland,Holland,Belguim,Germany
We traveled Alaska,Oregon,Washington DC., New York,San Francisco,Seattle,New Jersey, also everywhere in California,Hawaii. This boyfriend of yours will take pride of his family to travel and see the world or different states. Not only it is educational for our children to see states,other world,it will beneficial with your relationship with your hubby. Think about it, would you like a man treated you like that. He is selfish and inconsiderate about yourself, two sons. If he make that amount of money,he should let his loved one enjoyed thier life too and not only his own life. If I were you, I pursue to do my nursing career then when you're stable and can afford to make your own living expense, then you should separate from him than ask him a child support of your two sons from him,as long as you will give him his half of his responsibility to look after and spend some time with your two sons. You see the I look at your relationship with your boyfriend, he does not wanted to supported you financialy and emotionally but he wanted you to supported his needs which I think is not fair. Do you think it is fair for you to be treated as mother of his two sons? Think about it. I know you love him and you needed a place to stay with your two sons but if you allow the man to treated you like that,he will take advantage of you. I think he only wanted to have sex,somebody else who will take care of his needs at home but not outside and also look after your two sons. Please do not allow yourself to get pregnant again and again or else you will have a hard time to look after yourself and your two sons. The babysitter will cause you more. He should provided you and your two sons a full financial support no matter what. My husband provided everything for my previous children even when they're going to school. The man needed to know that he needs to accept all packages and not only his own self. Do you think he will change? I don't think so, right now he is showing you his real color of himself, so you need to wake up and smell a roses. Go to school and have your education going and finish it right away. You have to obligated him to pay his children's nanny for those two children of his, remember it takes two to makes a baby. You done your part to raised,care,love those two sons but he has to contribute something from you, you're his sex toy or sex slave that he can do whatever he would like to do. Please don't allow this man treated you like this,be smart and get yourself educated,finish it,find a good paying job then moved out or ask him to move either way so that you can stay with his house and his two children. Do you know when two people are living together, you have the right with his own property as common law wife especially you have two children with him. In fact, how do you know that he loves you and he is not seeing another woman on the side. Please make sure you will have a check up and so that you will detect if he is having sex with other, it is better to safe than sorry. Also do not show to this man that you're madly in love with him because he will use that as his weapon against you. Look the way he treated you, make yourself to difficult and hard to get so that the man will be challenge to be with you and will respect you. Why should you alone playing with two boys and what to their dad? Is he suppose to be part of his sons life and activity. You're still young and I am sure you're intelligent also. Please use your talent and have yourself earn your own money. Why do you have to share with him, he is not married to you. Your money when you earn it, it will be yours and it depends on you if you like to share with him. Now that you have two children from him, please think twice about yourself and your two sons future. When you become a nurse, you will earn more money and you will meet a professional doctor's,nurse's at the hospital. You deserve a good man and good provider,lovingly man who will treated you with respect and cherish you forever and not only today.
Good luck and keep me posted. Please let me know if you like more advise. Take Care.

A.

LEAVE A.S.A.P! Do you have any family that would help you by taking you in? You cannot stay in a relationship that is so toxic. Imagine, in 20 years, he'll be a selfish OLD MAN, your kids will be on their own and you'll still be young. Get out and try to get an education, you will need it to take care of yourself and your boys. Good luck!

hi i am reading everyone's posts and helping out where i can!
this boyfriend of yours needs to think about the actual numbers involved in hiring a nanny - a good one is about $12-15 an hour minimum. isn't that about how much you'd make out there working yourself? it does not add up to give your kids to someone else to raise if you are out earning money just to pay them! especially a one month old - they should be hopfully nursing, and bonding with mama at this point.
your boyfriend might be thinking of the future, that is when the kids are 7 and 9 you dont want to be sitting around wondering what mall to work at - he wants you to have a career instead of just a job so school is a great idea, but as your kids are so young, part time school now is the only reasonable option.
this guy is 50% responsible for bringing those kids into the world and he needs to make their needs and happiness number one, not some resentful ideas of how women and men should be "EQUAL" and you're not living up to it. It's about "EQUITY" and that means you work your butt off taking care of the kids and home and he works hard out there in his career for now. and those things need to be respected.

I think that Shauna hit it pretty well with her response... The first thing I thought when I read your post was "she should just leave and get child support..that would probably be more money than he is offering up now" I don't really know what else to say.. with as much money as he is making I believe he should be paying for everything and yours should be play money for the family.. just for enjoyment.. I recommend that you start a savings account so that you have something put away for if things continue to go sour...

Good Luck

Don't give up your dreams! Two people who really care about each other not only support each other's dreams and values but also put the children's needs before their own (and their own playtime!) He may be older but you are definitely the one with the responsibility and practicality... Question? Why do you love him? Why do you want to stay with him? If you can't be honest with yourself... you'll not be honest with him or your boys. Go back to counseling, even by yourself, if that helps you. Stay true to you as staying true to you ultimately keeps you true to your sons and to this man (even if staying true to you means being a single mom on her own!). Obviously this man has his own agenda and needs/desires as his first priority... you and your sons aren't even on the top of his list!

I am a 55 year old mother of three adult daughters and six grandchildren. I have been married the second time for 27 plus years... he supports my dreams and encourages me to seek them. When the children were small, I homeschooled them at two different times in their lives, as that was better for them... we haven't done everything right BUT we've learned that we need to first of all be the FIRST line of support for each other and then as a team, the FIRST line of support for our children and now granchildren. And where we each have different goals, ideas, etc., we have learned to respect the other person's right to be different, the other person's right to have needs met and learned where to compromise or sacrifice for the other person. We each have shared that equally over the years. It is work BUT both people have to be willing to work through those things... one person can't do it all... so hold your ground... again being true to you is also being true to your man and your sons!

I have a 16 almost 17 year age bap between my hubby and myself. He is the polar opposite from your boyfriend. I think you are dependent on this man and thats why you are not calling it quits. I understand. However, you are very young and you have a lot of options. He sounds like he is selfish. Either get back in counseling or kick him to the curb.

I just listened to a book on tape called "The Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. It is saving my relationship. I found listening to it much easier than reading. The total time for the abridged CDs was 3 hours. It cost 16.99 and is worth every penny and then some. Give it a shot. 3 hours and a small amount of money is worth the investment to your relationship.

L.

Hi S.,

First of all, I want to say that I think it is wonderful that you see your boys as "awesome" and not a burden. It's not easy being young and raising two young boys. As far as some feedback on the boyfriend issues, I think that if you boyfriend wants you to work part-time and go to school full-time and still pay for half the nanny expenses, then it is reasonable for you to ask how he will help with the care of both your and his boys, as well as take care of the household (which you probably do since you are a stay-at-home mom). If you will be doing more, then it is not reasonable for him to expect that you still will do all the household things, all the caring for the boys, and work part-time and go to school full-time. Hopefully, he is open to helping out and sharing the responsibilities. It sounds like as it is now, since you tkae care of the boys and the home, he has time to work more and surf and do fun things for himself. It would be important for him to realize that by you taking on more, he will need to help more. Of course, I don't know your whole situation and what he does now to help; so, just keep that in mind as you hear this feedback. It's great that you both went to counseling before your second son was born. It might well be worth going back just to come to some understanding and agreement about how to handle things if you work and go to school.

Good luck!

C.

Spend as much time with your little ones as possible. These years are precious and if you go to school and work, you will never see them and they will suffer. No career and money is worth it. I have friends that went to work and left the care of thier children to others and they all regret it!! If you have to go on WIC and welfare to be with your kids and get rid of your boyfriend, who doesnt have clue, then so be it. Your babies need thier mommy. When they are in school full time, go to school and work then. You may be able to do your schooling on line. Good luck.

Sheila,
I joined this service via invitation from my niece. I glance at it but for the most part things did not apply to me but it was very interesting. I am getting ready for church and I feel like the Lord is asking me to write you.
First of all, you are just a little older than my daughter. If you want to benefit from my experience, here it is. Do you want God to Bless your life and your children's? 1. You need to get your life right w Jesus. Align your will beneath His. Do you go to Church? Go Now and get into a Bible Study. 2. Are these children his or just yours?
Why are you with such an older man? Was your dad absent? God is your Daddy. Your boyfriend needs to marry you or you need to move. He is dishonoring you and you are allowing it. A Godly man is to take care of his wife and family. If he were a Godly man, he would make you his wife and want the children taken care of by you at home. A woman should only work if she has to when she is married. You will have no peace until you get into God's Will. Sad, but we are in a world where men are selfish, self centered, materialistic and expect women to work, w fewer & fewer men of God. I spent 10 years w someone that claimed I was the love of his life but we never married. It's black and white. You need to step up to the Plate and make decisions. If he isn't going to marry you, then get your job and move asap. God will bless and cover you. I hope you realize who you are in Christ and take hold of your life which is a gift from God. You need to do this not only for yourself but your children.

I won't ask why,you choose to be involved with a man almost twice your age. I have to assume,that either you grew up without a father figure,or maybe you just find older men more attractive. The second question that came to mind,was Why haven't you married? You have had two children now,so....you or him are still afraid to make a commitment? The children are still quite young,but you don't think, that eventually they will ask (Why) themselves? They may even have to deal with some imbarrasing questions from their peers at school. You do realize,that if he ever choose to leave you,you would only be entitled to child support. He would not be required to split the home or anything else, with you unless you live somewhere other than Calif.where you have no rights as far as common law relationships.As a matter of fact, I'm sure with his knowledge,he is quite aware of this.The reason, he is suggesting you pay for half the Nanny,Has to do more with the difference in your ages.He thinks he needs to educate you, on how to be responsible.What he fails to see in you, is that you became that responsible individual, when you mothered and continue to be mother to his children. It sounds to me,as if he has fallen into that, catagory of M.W.T.W.F.G (Men who take women for granted)He's been so busy, keeping up with the life-style he is accustomed to, hes neglected to stop long enough to notice all the things you do,as a mother.I'll tell you what.I'd tell him, that you have no problem paying for half the nanny. I'd suggest to him, that he begin making some calls,and get an idea of how much those nannys make. That should sober him up a little! He'll be very surprised to find, that taking care of children,seeing to there needs,is not all that easy, OR CHEAP! I'd suggest to him, that if hes going to be fair about all this, that, he should be paying you,for the care you provide for his children each and every day. If he brings up the fact that he pays for the house and food etc. You tell him,that you would expect nothing less,as those childrens father. It wouldn't matter,if he was there or gone. He still would have to provide a roof over their head and food. Your providing more,for those children,and he is blind to that.You take care of them,feed them, bathe them, nurse them ,when they're ill, comfort them,when they're sad.You are assisting in every way,as far as their development.A mothers job,is never ending. Its sad, but alot of men are blind to all this, alot of men,don't want to see all this!I know, there are some exceptional fathers out there, but in my opinion, A little role reversal would open a few of these mens eyes! Let them get their hands dirty so to speak.Learn what a (Baby wipe) is really for!The best of luck to you S..

Move back in with your mother(if you have a good relationship with her)..have your kids be around a positive male role model like your father(if he is one) and find a way to make it work and finish school and become a nurse. The most important thing is your family....

S.,

First and foremost, please let me say that whatever statement I make is my own personal opinion and is not meant to hurt you. You sound like a wonderful, smart, level headed woman who just wants to have a happy family and a good home life. However.... the fact that a 47 year old man has anything in common with a 25 year old woman should raise a BIG red flag. This information alone tells me that you're dealing with an extremely immature man. I say get out before he completely sucks the life out of you. Let him be a good dad to his kids but forget about him as a life partner. Trust me... there is a REASON his ex wife is "horrid" (and I have a feeling it's the same reason you're writing in for advice...... HIM).

Hi S.,
I am 39 years old and a mother of 3 young adult boys. My husband and I have a 20 year age span and have been married 21 years. The most important thing you can do is stand by your dreams! Keep the lines of communication open and make decisions together. When together for many years you fall in and out of love many times, it always comes back stronger. Love is always evolving, it's difficult sometimes with the age span because you feel they should know the right decisions to make and it's easy to let them. Big mistake! What happens is that you become resentful and feel like a child who's father is taking care of her. Try to get back into your counseling, just getting him to go the year that you did is huge, make sure you find a way to go back. Good Luck.

maybe the ex-wife isn't as crazy as you thought...
no offense, but it sounds like you have a pretty selfish man on your hands. Who needlessly puts an infant in daycare? Don't let anyone, even him, tell you something is more important than taking care of your children. When you think about it, much of the time the little extra you earn by going back to work goes right out the door again to child care expenses, plus someone else is raising your children. And if he's not around much, they need you more than ever as a stablizing force. If you want to be a nurse, wait the year and be a nurse. You can't get these years with your children back. They'll grow up while you're gone. If you don't stick to your guns, you'll resent him, and maybe even your kids, later. If it comes to head, you can always get child support. Another thing to think about is what kind of role model is he for your boys? And what are they learning if you let him intimidate you? I'm having to assess a similar situation myself, so please don't think I'm throwing stones. Figure out a way to set aside little bits of money and check into single mother aid programs, and seriously look to your family and friends as possible places to stay should you take the step to leave him. When it comes down to it, you don't actually need him to stay home with your boys, there are programs to help.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. WHat you do is eqivalent to 4 full time jobs, you know that right? It sounds like he does not know that and needs a major dose of reality. I am really old school and would not have a nanny raise my kids and honor you for staying home with them. It's so sacred for them to be with their mommy AND daddy and he needs to know that. Money goes away along with everything money buys, but the way your kids are being shaped cannot be undone and he really needs to realize your irreplacable role and honor you and appreciate you. Hopefully this can be conveyed in a heartfelt way rather than in anger althogh I TOTALLY understand how that can be difficult. Lord knows I struggle with that one too! Good luck and you will be in my prayers.

You don't mention how you make $10K a year as a stay-at-home mom. Good for you.

I found that while my children were so young I could care for two more children with very little extra effort. The money was very good for being stay-at-home and it provided playmates for my first born. At your stage I accepted one toddler and one infant.Daycare for newborns pays a premium and they do stay put!

I ended up divorcing my 'selfish man' but recommend that you make every effort to keep the family together. Read 1) The Dance of Anger and 2)The Dance of Intimacy for ways to set boundaries in an unbalanced relationship. The books even give you script on how to state your case.

God Bless...

Hi S.,

Make sure that your name is on the house, do not think the court will give it to you in the event of divorce just because you're married, he can say that it wasn't community property when you got married, you didn't put money down on it, therefore it's not your property. If things get rocky, will you and your sons have a roof? You're not making enough money to survive. Since he's away from home so much, make sure you have a copy of all of his bank accounts, his property, his pension, his documents. Are you beneficiary on his investments, pension, insurance.

In the event of divorce, if you don't file a "joinder" with an attorney which costs $1,500.00, your husband can legally take all the money out of the pension (sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars), and leave you with nothing. What will you retire on? You said that your husband spends lots of time away while you raise the kids. Check the phone bill for strange numbers. Take notes.

Do you know of all of his investments? You have to protect your sons in the event that the marriage doesn't work out. You want to make sure there isn't any hidden real estate property, and bank accounts, etc. It's time for you to think of your children and their future financial security. It's a hard world out there for single moms....

WoW S.! All I could tell you is FAMILY! It is not healthy for your kids to see and hear you guys fight. If you have family to help then put your guard down with them and ask for help while you go to school. Sometimes divorce is the better answer. I know that it is not healthy for your boys to be apart from their father but its also definatley not healthy to be in a house where mom and dad cant get along!! If you can get your family to take you and your boys in I think that it would be the best bet. If you divorce ( you say that you do not have the same feelings for him) then you can have a less stressful environment for you and your kids to focus, he would HAVE to pay child support ($$$ for you and the kids) AND you could apply for medical, gov't help PLUS, student grants while you go to school. What schoold did you apply for??? Not all nursing schools will make you wait 1 whole year!! I graduated in science and I have family and friends that are nurses and docs....you can get into a diffent school, including a Junior College that offers a nursing school. A single mom with two kids...THERE IS HELP OUT THERE!!! Besides, he sounds like a old guy that was looking for a young piece of meat, what makes you think that he will not do the same to you now that you have 2 kids and is not as fun anymore! Sorry to be so blunt but prepare yourself before it happens to you!!! Don't hate the ex if YOU were the other woman, you wouldn't like it would you?? Didnt think so! GOOD LUCK and get out while you can....CREATE a good life for your kids!!!

Dear S.
this man does not value you or
your contribution to the relationship. Your full time
job is those boys right now. You are so young!!
dont get saddled with a relationship that is not
working. You can start over with someone who
has the same values. Someone who supports u mentally
physically, and spiritually. You deserve that.
There are really alot of fish in the sea.
This guy already has one divorce on his chart
cut bait girl.

GC

A lot of people don't realize that job SAHM (or dads) do. We are at home. We entertain and teach our children constantly, we feed, bath, and wipe butts all day, and when they go to bed we clean up the mess!! More important then all of the work though.......we never leave our job. We wake up at work and go to bed at work. It takes a very special person to do all this (and try to get out of the sweats and t's not to mention put on make-up and "doll up"), but we do! Yeah to the stay at homes in the world!!!!!

Hi S., He sounds like he is a person who likes to control everything including you. I am sorry to say if you keep allowing him to dictate what you should do with the one and only life you have he will never stop. Think long and hard about what it is you truly want and don’t let anyone force you to change your goals or dreams for yourself and your children. I hate to say this but he is an X for a reason, I think all new wives should have a chance to talk with the X before they get together with a divorced man. Believe me its not always the wives fault like they say. I have been there myself(in a controlling relationship) it only gets worse if we allow it. You deserve to be happy and to be able to pick and choose your course in life. Do what makes you happy, if he can't understand that well than its his problem not yours and he will just have to live with it. I hope this input helpes you a little.

I'm not going to read any of the other replies - I just want to send you my support. Good Luck!

You sound like you have got the picture, and he sound very immature and selfish but I guess you need him especially now and so do your boys soooo
Make him appreciate all you do in the home, that he cant do. Make him want to spend money on you all, or nanny later if needed. Be as sweet and charming as you can to avoid the arguments and get YOUR way, get what you (and they) want and need.
I hope things work out. Divorce is no fun.
When they are older though, I would hope you van get more independence.

Namaste.

;-)

Hi,
I don't want to send the wrong advice BUT I have just gone through a divorce and I was married 13 years. Two children 10 and 13. I was on the right track to my degree when I had my two children and now find myself without a degree and divorced. So I say go for the degree and find your own security. Even if your marriage works out you will fell much better latter that you have a career of your own. It might be hard now with the children so young but really it can happen. You can make it happen if you really want it. I am a full time student at the University and a full time sub-teacher so my time is very full but very fulfilling. My ex was very controlling and I am glad to be out of that marriage. Even though it has been a struggle to make it on my own I have done it and I am proud of myself. Good Luck and if you need to talk. ____@____.com

you seem to be a little confused, first you say you are crazy about him, then you tell the truth. He doesn't care about the boys, because the best thing for them is to have their mom somewhere near to 24-7. You put your boys first. That's your first responsibility. Maybe HE should get another job. A lot of people work 80 hour weeks, and you're already working a lot more than that. Taking care of a 1 month and 2 yr old is physically, mentally and emotionally demanding but its the right thing to do.

i think it sounds like your guy does not respect or appreciate you the way you deserve. he is underestimating the value of the care and love you provide for your children. i totally agree with you, that since you have to wait a year for your nursing program anyway, you might as well take advantage of the time and spend it with your little ones. they will be little for such a short amount of time!! ask him if money is more important than raising confident, happy, capable kids who know without a doubt they are loved? he is making unreasonable demands on you and not acknowledging what you do provide for the family. he is ignoring one of the advantages that should come with raising kids as a team, namely, one parent being available to spend quality time with them. he is putting you under pressure that is similar to that of a single mom!
it sounds like he gets plenty of time for himself. how much does he devote to the family? you are thinking of everyone involved while he is thinking mainly of himself. i guess my advice is to do what you think is best for your kids (and yourself!). Spend as much time with them as possible...you won't ever get it back!

Dump the man, take your boys, and go live with your parents. Your kids deserve stability, an intact family, and a stress free home environment more than you having a man.

It's easy to get lost in a controlling relationship, good for you for reaching out. Tell me that's not control. Thank God you didn't marry him. Just relax and be a good mom, if he falls in or out, that's up to him. Keep being a good mom and don't let him affect your parenting. I let my chaotic relationship reak havoc for my children. I was so angry all the time and sad, I was not the mom I needed and wanted to be.
I also was lined up for nursing school, but his job and hours always got in the way. He also expected me to work fulltime, even now that I have 4 kids. It does not get better with time. Hold on, do what you know is right and don't let him bully you. If you all seperate, he'll have to pay child support, but if he fights it or works on commission or bonus base, it'll be a lot harder. It does take time to get it and you are not in good financial shape. Keep a secret savings, pump it up as best as you can.
don't let yourself be bullied or manipulated.
stay strong, momma

Hi S.,
I noticed you said, "All I want is to survive." If that is all you want it's all you will get. The way that the mind works with the law of attraction is that it brings to us whatever we believe we deserve.
Sounds like it's time to reevaluate what it is you truly want in your life. Whatever it is you can create it.

Check out www.thesecret.com, you can watch the movie online for $4.95. It will give you the basic tools to start "consciously creating your life", which is a great place to start. It has a section on the secret of relationships too!

With Love,
R.

family court...if you pass the five year mark living in his house, that makes you his common law wife. he can antagonize you to th epoint that you'll realize you can do it on your own and therefore cause you to leave before then, well, he has a different game to "win" once you leave.

family court will set up the payment system and then you won't have to deal with his horrid math. my understanding is that you can still apply for child support even if you live with him.

unfortunately, this is a real problem. funny how and when some under-grown men become feminists.

good luck to you,
-A.

I think you already know the answer, but just don't want to face it.

I was in almost exactly the same boat. We tried counseling, and when my husband stopped going, I still went. It took me four years to realize that he wasn't going to change and I needed to leave. Now I only wish I hadn't waited so long.

Go back to counseling... with or without him.... it will help you to decide what you really want to do.

Ms S.:
I read what happen and I think it awesome that you made your point in a way that he could understand. But, let me ask you this? Is it a relationship your in or a business deal with your childrens father? I ask that because as the woman who loves him enough to have his children, deal with his obvious self-centered ways; he should feel blessed that you want to give of yourself instead of asking for even more. Your "relationship" is more like a business contract that a love affair. You shouldn't have to deal with the feelings of your are being kept; using HIS money, or guilty for asking for things be they fancy or not. When someone truely loves you they are willing to share all of themselves (including their bank accounts)with no strings attached. That joint account thing for mutual things is no more that a roommate situation. If you want a roommate get you one....then you would at least know what to expect and what you will be getting. He seems to have the best of both worlds while you are feeling pressured. Don't devalue yourself because you feel you have no other options....it will certainly be his loss if you move on.
I speak from experience, I had to move on from my "roommate" and get me a real man. It took eight years but it happened. Life is suppose to be joyous...you are young and your life has just begun; don't let him and his baggage keep tearing you down. Good Luck

If he was not a selfish man, the age gap would not be an issue. The fact that he does not seem to think that it is important to make time for you as his partner/mother of his kids is a problem. And the fact that he is not considering that you do more than he does ( even if it's not financial ) is a huge problem as well. You sound like a very young, amazing mom who puts her children first. And, the fact that you want to consider this time while you are on the waiting list as a great time to focus on your kids is wonderful! Bravo for you! Because once you start school for nursing it will be very consuming, and you WILL need your partner to help out more than he does now.

Sound to me like you guys need counseling again. If that does not work, be honest with yourself about your situation and remember you can love him but he might not be the one for you. You and your kids will be fine, but you are way too young to continue to give so much to a man that does not appreciate you and your kids.

( been there done that - not worth it )

Wow I can really understand your situation although I was 30 when I met a man 22 years older than me. We lived together for 3 years and I eventually left because he did not want to have a 2nd family. I totally understand now where he was coming from now that I am a mother of 2!! (in terms of fatigue)

What I mean is that you are facing a big generation gap. Men of his age do not think the way you do - he has probably been out in the work world for quite a while and has different expectations about money. My ex-boyfriend also felt that we should split expenses equally even though we had a big difference in income. Plus he could see retirement on the horizon so had different plans for the rest of his life - which sounds bit like your partner - if he is in the thick of his career then being at home with 2 small kids is probably not a big priority. I'm surprised that after "a rocky start" and a year of counselling you decided to even have a second child. I think you need to consider what you really get out of the relationship, besides a house, as it does not seem healthy or fixable.
By the way, it took me 8 months to finally decide to leave my ex - it was the hardest decision I ever made and many times after I wondered if I had made the right choice. But a year late I met a wonderful man who is now the most wonderful father to our kids I could want. And he is supporting me while I am back at school - and let me tell you now that there is absolutley no way you can work part-time and go to school full-time if you have a family. My course is only 8 months long but I have a lot of homework which I do not get to until 7:30pm. My son was 6 months old when I started this program and he has managed a few weeks of sleeping through the night. So I feel burnt already but at least I only have 2 more months to go. How many years would nursing be? Just my thoughts because I can tell that life is only going to get harder for you, but studying for a career that would give you financial independence is a step in the right direction. Good luck