Boyfriend(s)

Hello Sara Beth!

Oh my goodness, I am doing the same thing you are! I do not want my son growing up seeing men in and out of my life. So, I've decided to go the route that my friend did a long time ago before I had children. I did this last summer, and it worked out great. If the guy was interested in seeing me, we would meet in a public place. At first I was uncomfortable with having my son there, but then I realized I liked it because men would not hit on me with my son with me. Whenever I was by myself on a date, they would lay on the charm. Plus, I get to see how he would interact to my son, and he didn't enjoy it. He found that my son was a pain in the butt, so eventually I stopped hanging out with him. I never bring men to my house, and on occasion when I want privacy times, I get a babysitter. Once I've dated him for about 4 months or more, then I will decide from there. My future boyfriend will not be sleeping in my house, and only upon marriage (which is NOT on my agenda) will we buy a house together AFTER the honeymoon.

I've seen so many failed relationships of couples who move in together, and then have to decide who moves out at the end. Of course, with school, there is no time for a relationship, but you will be able to manage doing this. Another thing, too, it's good that the guy I date also has children, and our children play together, which is what I did last time with a guy that I met through work, and we realized that although our children enjoyed eachother, we had no common interests, so we moved on. And then that is tough when your dating a single father because then, what happens, you know. It's quite difficult, but that is my decision. I also do not want my son seeing men in and out of his life. I haven't figured out 100% this plan, but right now, I chose celibacy, which is the best way to not get pregnant and stay off birth control pills.

Plus, there are men who respect that, and also practice that themselves. Good luck, and I will continue to read what everyone has to say since I'm still figuring this out myself, LOL!

Oh, by the way, some parents do not let the guy they are dating meet their children until they are comfortable. And I also know some women who divulge that info until later, but the reason I tell the man who is interested in me that I have a son is so that he knows upfront that I have a life to care for, and the other reason I brought my son on my lunch dates with a guy I was dating last summer was due to the fact that at that time, my son was 6months old, and could not tell any difference, and it was a pleasure seeing how this guy would always seem on his best behavior around my son. It was quite strange.

Here's an Article that I read a long time ago...

“Kids, I’d Like You To Meet My Guy”

This Month’s Expert: Ellie Slott Fisher
Author of Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe: The Single Mother’s Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly and a widowed and divorced mother of two

Question: Since my divorce almost two years ago, I’ve started dating again and am now seeing a great new guy. When and how should I go about introducing him to my kids, who are 9 and 4?

Answer: While you shouldn’t try to hide your social life from your kids, it’s important to give them time to get used to the idea of a new man in your life. Start by letting your children know that you’ve met a really nice guy – you can tell them to meet him. Tell them a little about him: for example, where he lives, his occupation and his kids’ ages. Show them your excitement about going out on dates.

Regardless of how old your kids are, they will react. They may feel a sense of betrayal – particularly if they harbor hopes you’ll get back together with their dad – and fear the loss of your attention. Try to read each child’s individual feelings and be honest and direct. If your younger child is afraid you’ll stop loving her, reinforce the obvious: “No one will ever get in the way of my love for you.” If your older child doesn’t understand why you want to date, give a few age-appropriate reasons: “I do things with him I can’t do with you, like go out dancing.”

Keep the first few meetings between the kids and your guy short and sweet. Later on, you can plan child-friendly outings, like bowling. Since seeing you sleeping with another man can be upsetting and confusing, you may want to leave the overnights for when your kids are on a sleepover. But if he does stay (and you’re not comfortable with your kids knowing), make sure he “wakes up” on the sofa. While you might not want to introduce your kids to every guy you date, letting them meet the ones you really like shows them that dating is how you get to know someone and judge if he’s right for you. –Interview by Pamela Kramer

Single Moms’ Dating Tips:

Go Slow and Steady
My rule is to schedule dates for the weekends my children go to their father’s house. Since they go every other weekend, I can count on having that time free. This “no meeting children” rule gives me time to get to know the man better. Most men understand this rule, but quite a few do not and have tried to push me into introductions. These men get shown the door.
-Cheryl Cruz, office manager, Naperville, IL

Talk It Through
It’s very important to always be honest with your children. Don’t lie or try to hide the fact that you are seeing someone new. By the same token, when you think the man you’re seeing is ready to meet your kids, discuss it and see how he feels. Everyone’s feelings need to be considered.
-Melissa LeTourneau, pricing coordinator, Bay City, MI

Take It Easy
Introduce your kids to your boyfriend somewhere neutral and relaxing (such as a park.) Under no conditions should they meet at a major family event or on a holiday. Don’t be overly demonstrative in front of the children, either; in fact, don’t be physically affectionate at all at first. It can make kids really uncomfortable.
-Natalie Morris, computer teacher, Gardner, KS

Hi, Im K.. I am also a single Mom. My son is 3 yrs old. His father and I split when he was 1 yr.old. I just starting dating someone as well and we sort of split. What I mean is he does not come over as much as he did. My son keeps asking me where he is. Its so hard. I told my BF ( if thats what you want to call it) :) that my son really misses him. Its so hard to determine when is a good time to introduce the kids to the BF. When I finally did, look what happened. But every day I wake up and get him ready for daycare and think to myself. This is what its all about...He is the one and only man on my life. I live for him I work FT and raise him alone. Keep thinking positive and everything will work itself out. Believe me, I read lots of quotes and read alot of positive poetry. It works for my mind !! If you need me to chat let me know. Keep your head up !! Your child is worth it !!!!
K.............Owings Mills, MD

I have had the same problem. I have a three year old and me and her father havent been together since she was a couple months old. It was hard to start dating again because you really dont know how to bring it around your child and how they will handle it, but then u want to just find the right guy so u dont have to go thru a bunch of no's before u find mr. RIght. Well it took me a while and i just found mr.RIGHT and my daughter is three. She has seen men come and go in my life and i did let them meet my child too soon. But i would maybe wait atleast 2 months when u feel u know him well enough and then bring the child into it. And about the other guy, i have that problem to. When she see's his picture or someone mention his name she ask when is he coming around and u just have to explain he was mean to mommy, and just tell her u couldnt take it no more they will under stand.

Sorry to be harsh, but is it more important to have a boyfriend, or for your child to be OK emotionally? I'm a teacher and see constantly what the dating thing does to kids. It causes them to be mistrustful, and sad that people come in and out of their lives. They need routine, and structure to thrive. You described what introducing one boyfriend to her did to her emotional state, is that what you want for her? You're the adult. She should be the priority. If guy is worth it, he'll wait 6 months or more, because he'll understand what his role as an adult to a child should be. Or stop dating until your child is old enough to handle it. It's not worth it for your child.

Hi S.:

I can truly relate to what you are going through. I am a single mother and my daughter's father left before she was born. I was young (19) and at the same time I was hurt by what he put me through so it took me some time to get back out there in the dating field. But, I eventually did because its hard to tell someone at that time 19 that you can't date and meet people, and hang out. I told people that I had a baby but I necessarily didn't bring them around my daughter at that time because it wasn't serious dating that I was doing. I also lived at home so I had my parents watch my daughter while I went out so I didn't have to bring them home, I met them at their place or in public. Now that I am 28 and my daughter 9, dating is harder because she is more curious and wiser as to what is going on. I still don't bring everyone around my daughter but at the same time, I don't live by a 6 month rule either. I just make wise decisions as to who I choose to introduce my daughter to. Some of the people that I meet, I know from the beginning that they are just flings and not serious people that I can see myself 10 months or 5 years down the road with so I save my daughter and myself the trouble of introducing her to them. When I go out and she wants to know where I am going and with whom, I just tell her that I am going out with some friends or a friend and leave it like that.

I met someone last year that we hit it off real good and I introduced my daughter to after a few months of him and I going out. He didn't have any kids and at the same time he never had any experience with kids which really made the situation uncomfortable. He didn't know what to say to my daughter or how to be comfortable around her. He couldn't get with the fact that I made my daughter priority so he was out the door after 6 months. Yes, I made the mistake of trying to change him to get used to my daughter and we continued to work things out but it just made the situation awkward. My daughter would ask about him and I would tell her that we just aren't friends anymore, things didn't work out for us and leave it like that.

I have recently met a wonderful man that I truly adore and chose to introduce him to my daughter after a month of dating him. He adores my daughter and he has 2 kids of his own that are close to my daughter's age that I adore and my daughter adores. She knows him as my friend only but he comes around and does family things with us. I am not ready to introduce him as my boyfriend just yet. He is wonderful with my daughter. We try not to be romantic (hugging and kissing) around her because we don't want to make her or any of the kids uncomfortable so we set aside time when its just us and we can hang out and be intimate without having to be discreet.

I think that you should make the best judgement for your daughter and I know that you will. I don't think you should bring men over to meet your daughter who you know is just a fling. I think once you know its serious, introduce him to your daughter.

Its hard to tell a woman that she is not going to need someone, need that companionship from a mate. We need someone in our lives as well and it can be done even with children. It is unfair to expect a woman to drop all things in her life except for her child. Yes, children are and should be priority one. You can be a great mom and still have a life of your own.
Feel free to contact me if you would like to talk.

J.

I am the single mother of a 21 year old daughter and I have been divorced since she was 3. I have had about 3 'serious' relationships in that time. I too, had a break-up when my daughter was about 6, and what was worse, he had a son who was 7 and the two of them were very close. In the two years that we were together the kids were together at least every other weekend and we also took vacations together and did family functions together. When we broke up, she would mention now and then that she missed my boyfriend and his son and I would say, 'I know what you mean, but we just weren't getting along anymore and we broke up'. Believe it or not, kids understand relationships better than you think and you should just talk to her about how she feels and explain that sometimes people just don't like each other any more. (It's true, right?) As for having guys coming and going, you should be very picky about who you bring home and DON'T let them be there the next morning, especially when she is between the ages of 11-17, because those are very awkward years for girls developmentally and it will make her uncomfortable. Now, if you wind up getting married in the next few years, that rule will not apply because hopefully her step-dad will be AWESOME! I don't think it matters how long you wait to introduce them because even if you see him for 6 months beforehand, in her mind you just met. Just take it easy and introduce him as your friend in the beginning until you are sure the relationship is going somewhere. I never remarried, but my daughter is extremely balanced and well-adjusted and has no 'man-issues' that can sometimes come with living without a dad (I truly attribute that to my '11-17 rule', and girlfriends who grew up with a single mom were amazed that I came to that conculsion because they said it was right on the money) I also did and still do have male friends who really are just friends and as an adult she regards them as extra uncles in her life. In fact, we just all took a week-long vacation together, her friends and mine, and we had a blast! If there isn't a dad around, she needs to interact with healthy-minded adult males in some other way. (This is very important!) Good Luck!

I'm a single mom of a newly 7 year old son. His father and I have been apart since he was 12 months old. I'd dated in that time, but never got involved in a serious relationship. I wasn't going to settle after what a loser his father turned out to be and now I had a child and if I was going to get serious with someone, he would have to also be good enough for my son, not just me. Only one person met my son in over 5 years (until now), but that was because he also had a son 2 years older and it started out as playdates and we would go out when my son was with his father. We hung out for about a year and are still friends.

The only other person to meet my son is my current boyfriend. I found someone that I felt was not only good enough for me, but also good enough for my son. This is the first serious relationship in the 6 years that my ex and I have split up. I knew very early on that he would be around for awhile and I expect him to be around for quite a while longer :). We started dating in mid February, and I didn't introduce him to my son until about May or June, and I did it gradually. The first time, we met at the park and he played t-ball with my son. Now he's around a few times a week and still has never spent the night while my son has been here. But I also have every other weekend that he's with his father, so I have other opportunities to have sleepovers. So I say go slow, and introduce your child only to people that you are sure about. It sounds like she gets attached to people easily, as does my son. He's a people person and very social and he bonds with people quickly. He's not needy in any way, just very friendly and loves people.

And I agree with Casey below. My son still calls my boyfriend "Mommy's friend, *** " We don't hang all over each other in front of him. We don't even give each other a peck in his sight. The most he'll see is us on the couch with my legs across his lap or my head on his shoulder.

I am a single mother of two and after being with my ex for almost ten years was thrown into the dating scene. I can tell you from my own personal experience that six months is just about the right time to date someone before introducing them to your daughter. It gives you time to get to know him and him you. I don't know if it is possible for you, but before I introduced my boyfriend to my children we met for lunch during the week and went out on Saturday nights. I set aside Friday nights for the kids. We would play games or watch movies together. The kids knew I was dating and I explained to them that if I found someone very special then and only then would he be worthy enough to meet them. Good luck!!

S. hope all is well for you,as for what to tell your lil one dont exactly tell her his bad qualities just tell her you didnt like each other as much as you thought..and that sometimes happens to people.does she know her dad? maybe you can use that as an example that although you both love her you dont want to be together?as for when to intoduce her to your dates i'm not sure on that but the 6 month time seems good if not longer so you can feel out how the person really is and would your child be safe around him.such as also does he really like children.well good luck

I'm actually in the same boat. What makes things wierd for me is that my son is around his father daily. He has no trouble keeping our son, I have a very crazy work schedule. I met a guy in November and at the time we were both single and not looking for "significant others". During this time we've been out together quite a lot, movies, dinner, dancing, having fun. He told me that he never wanted to have kids. I understood that and because we weren't pursuing a realtionship, it was just fine. Recently, I moved into a house that my best-friend and I are sharing. She has three children so all of our children together means a lot of noise. He asked to come over one day to watch a football game, I love football and told him that I wasn't missing the Eagles game so we decided that he would come over. I was so surprised by the way that the children took to him. He played with my nephews more than he watched the game and ordered pizza for everybody, he helped me babysit them, got things out of the kitchen for them, did the dishes, and actually got on the floor with my son and played with the cars and trucks he has. To say I was astonished is an understatement. I was just completely taken back by the way that he bonded with the kids since he said that he never wanted to have any. But there's also the fact that we did wait a long time before he was introduced and we had plenty of time to get to know each other. I could see in his character that he wouldn't be rude or mean to my baby and that he was just an all-around good person. Moral of the story, waiting to get to know a person is the key. You know the kind of person that you are raising your daughter to be, they take the que from us on everything, she looks up to and admires you just as you admire her. It may take 6 months, it my take more or less but you have to be completely honest with a person from the beginning. I, on the other hand, am considering a relationship with someone that is a wonderful person that I wouldn't have before. He adores my son and offers to do things for us, although I just say a polite no thank you. I don't want to make it seem like he is replacing my son's father. Hope this helps you.

I waited 6 months before any one meets my children - other than at the door if they need to quell curiosity.
I dated some one for two and a half years - he made an effort to break down walls - with my 13 yr old especially - and then after he assured him he would "always" be there - two weeks later he decided he was not going to be able to handle the responsibilities of raising some one else's children. And refused to talk with my sons himself.
I did every thing right - waiting etc.
My son - 17 - hates him now, and I don't blame him.
I think that you need to have very high standards and very strong and strict boundaries - my have raised even more since. Also, I will always bring my date around my other adult family more first before he ever meets my children. And then he will only be around them in group situations first.
The right person is out there - dating can be safe for everyone if the right boundaries are inplace- but dating is not the same thing as "joining a family"- if a man doesn't have a very clear - and spoken - idea of what it will take to be in a family - especially a family with children involved - its too early. Also - a good man will be totally open to the idea of counseling - incase the children or family needs some help getting together - if that's not an option - there's your big red flag!

I'm a single mom who has a 7year old boy, I have had the samething happen to me. I finally stared dating again and didn't let the guy meet my son until I knew he was going to stay around for awhile. Some of my other friends, that are singles moms, say at least ayear before they meet the kids. So I would wait, if the guy is in your life dor 6 months to a year then they can meet.

S., I wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes. I can see why you'd be so perplexed. Even if I don't have any answer for you, I hope things work out for you and your daughter. I have a 5 year old too and know how precious your little one is to you.

S., I was a single parent for 5 years...I had gotten married at 19 so i was ready to DATE! I have two kids and never ever brought a man home unless I knew i was really serious about him. (there was in fact, just one) After dating my current husband for 8 months i took everyone out to the movies together. I was always up front with the men i dated, showed pictures, talked about the kids. Also, I had a liberal custody arrangement and my kids were with their dad two, sometimes three nights a week. Try and find someone else in the same situation...another single friend, and you can swap out babysitting nights if you dont have an ex who is willing to have your 5 yr. old overnight. Children experience these things differently than we do....what if you find a guy SHE really likes, and then you dont....you dont want to put her in that posistion if you can avoid it so be particular about whom you bring home.
As for the ex you can tell her that guy was a friend of yours and you dont see him all that often anymore..(sometimes less is more!) good luck and happy dating....

I know this is going to sound a little bit far fetched. But, I honestly believe that when you have decided to become mother; then you have an obligation to provide a family atmosphere for the child. So, if you are ready to get a mate, then, I feel your goal would be to get married.

Soooo, I feel that you should not bring the man in to be part of your family until the two of you have decided to be something permanent. If he is not interested in being something permanent and you still want to see him, then I would not include him in the family setting with you and your daughter.

Keep him on the side and don't be ashamed of seeing him on the side if that is what you have decided to do. He does not come to your house, he does not sleep over, he merely takes you out and when the two of you want to do the do, you do it at his place or in a hotel.......And, of course you send the little one to grandma's or have an overnight sitter.

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ONE LAST THING, you and your daughter are no heavy load. It's not like you have 4 or 5 children. Now, that is something for a guy to have to contemplate. So, any guy who is interested in you should not have to take a lifetime to make up him mind as to whether he wants to be permanent or not.

I have to say I know where u are coming from... I have been there... I was a single mom for almost 10 years... Its hard to find mr right... But its also hard to keep the two seperate... I agree that a prospective boyfriend needs to see that side of you... I found my safest bet was to introduce them after a while but sooner than 6m but as my friend... So we could all hang out or go out... That means when the child(ren) are around there is no huggy kissy acting... and keep it limited so the child doesnt get too attached... and then see where it goes from there...

I feel your pain. My daughter was four when I started dating again. I avoided her meeting the guys I dated for about six months. because by that time you know if it's going to work out or not. Well, you think you know. I had my daughter call the new boyfriend the old boyfriend's name. I've learned better now. I put my children first and any guy I date knows this right from the start. I tell them that they will not meet my children for quite a while and explain why. If the guy really likes you he'll understand and respect this. But if you don't want to wait 6 months...introduce them as your "friend" and don't be really touchy/kissy in front of your child. i hope this helps.

Hi S.!

I was a single mother until about 6 months ago. I met my boyfriend back in March and we hit it off. We both know what we want - marriage and family. We moved *very* fast. So fast, that I'm pregnant and due in Jan w/ my second child. This will be his first. He is wonderful w/ my little boy. My son's father has never set eyes on him. Yes, I agree you should take time to get to know someone before introducing them to your child. On the other hand, I feel that sometimes you just know when you've met the one.

I don't think you should bring men over to meet your daughter who you know is just a fling. I think once you know its serious, introduce him to your daughter.

It is unreasonable to expect that a young woman is not going to need someone else in her life. It is unfair to expect a woman to drop all things in her life except for her child. Yes, children are and should be priority one. But you can be a great mom and still have a life of your own w/o damaging your child emotionally.