Some of your responses to my earlier question about my friend provoked some thought and some research into Aspergers Syndrome. I've done some reading on it and the symptoms of Aspergers in adults fits my dear friend to a T. Literally, every single symptom I saw describes her.
Okay, so I feel that I have discovered something of importance here. My friend, who ironically, is about to achieve her Masters Degree in Psychology, could benefit greatly from knowing and appropriately managing if she does in fact have this syndrome. It can help the people around her know how to cope with her and I think that it could help her answer a lot of questions about herself.
What would be a good way to urge her to seek professional help? Should I reveal my findings to her? What do I do?
UPDATE:
CLEARLY, I would never approach my friend with a "diagnosis" I came across on the internet. I would like to believe that I am intelligent enough to see the sensitivity there. Duh. Obviously this is a very real syndrome though. If I had something like that, I'd want to know. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and it lifted a weight off of my chest. I had thought, all that time, that I was just weird. Nope, just a chemical imbalance. I would think that she would want to know. Obviously I wouldn't run up to her and say "Guess what?! You have Aspergers!" Come on, that's ridiculous. How would YOU proceed, or would you even proceed?
Sue and Page, I like your advice. You're right, and I agree. It won't change anything even if it is true. I guess I'm a little anxious about it because I want more for her, she deserves more.
Jo G., yes, that was rude. You don't know me. Thanks.
Really, I don't think sharing your armchair diagnosis will benefit your relationship with her. Just use the information to inform your actions when you interact with her, and that's plenty.
I'm fairly certain that at least 80% of the engineers I've hired over the years would be labeled as Aspergers if they were starting school now. Doesn't make a bit of difference to me.
I agree with the statement "My advice to you is accept her as she is or leave her alone". Even if she were diagnosed with some syndrome, her behavior won't just change. If she asks you for help, then suggest she get help. Otherwise, let it go.
Not sure if others agree or not - but I would tread delicately. I think if a close friend came to me and said "I have self diagnosed you with X" I would be so embarressed and so upset.
So not sure on "how" to tell her of your findings.
I can't imagine telling someone they have Asperger's. I think you'd better let her deal with her issues on her own.
Alright, read your other post and if I were to take a crack at it I would say she is ADD. Having said that do you even understand the spectrum? Someone with ADD will not act responsibly until they have to and only when they have to.
My son has not hit that point and I have not forced the issue with him. I didn't hit that point until I was pregnant with said son and even then I game the system. My older daughter has always been responsible in every aspect of life that her older brother is irresponsible in, a total goof everywhere else.
I am not sure this holds for all people with ADD but when it is so damn easy to do things other people can't you just goof until you have to. An example, I finished my undergrad and grad degrees in four years. In one year I accrued 58 hours. Most people can't do that, a lot of people with ADD can, if they want to.
Thing is though reading your two posts none of this matters. Your issues are an inability to accept your friend as she is. She doesn't need to change, her behavior is not hurting you beyond you creating hurt. Wah, she can't talk to me about things I want to talk about. Oh cry me a river. What are things that are important to her. You will probably say nothing, not because nothing is important to her but you just don't know.
My advice to you is accept her as she is or leave her alone. You almost seem jealous of her, then again I only read two posts of yours. I am sorry if this seems harsh it is just how I see your words.
N.,
I read your other posts and understand exactly where you are coming from. In my case, I have almost the same feelings over my older brother. He's got a job and is self sufficient. But the choices he makes and the terms he uses to live his life ... it's like he turned 23 and is continuing to live that 23 year old life forever. And he's now 45. And the Mom in me is waiting for him to grow up.
It is a hard tightrope to walk. Trying to urge him into the more responsible path while still accepting that he is an adult and needs to make his own way. It's tricky. And I know this could be such a cop out, but I tend to feel like people who don't have children (he doesn't) don't really get it? Is that snobbish? Just the fact that he's never taken the effort to care more for another human being other than himself makes him less of a human? Okay, okay I know. Totallly unfair. But in a little way, it's true. He's never had serious relationships. He's never had to care for anyone limitlessly. So perhaps I am not seeing him with enough respect that he deserves... Forgive me, I'm just working out my own brother sister problems in your post. =)
Truth is, I know I can't change him. Even though I've got that speech just about memorized. You know, that one speech that will clarify everything for him. The one where he will finally know everything he is doing wrong and will change him into the wonderful person I know he can be. ... It's just never going to happen. If I let him have that speech with both barrels, our relationship will be over. It's just too hurtful. How do you tell some one they're a total mess? You can't. You can't presume to say how your life is worthy and some one else's isn't. And I can't either. As much as I want to. I am just going to have to accept him. Really accept him. It's one of the harder things to do.
I would say to continue to delicately urge her to do the right things. And if it's a case that the friendship has run it's course, then realize it and quietly let it go. We can't fix everthing. As Moms we want to try. But we just cant.
Good luck to you. You sound very torn up about this and I hope you find some peace about it soon.
I have a 5 year old son who has shown signs of Asperger's since he was about 3. I just read a book called "Look me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison. Its an easy read and an interesting story about a man who has Asperger's, but didn't know it until he was 40+...his friend brought it up to him. I would say read the book and if you still think your friend seems to have signs of Asperger's, pass it on to her as an interesting read, you might say that the author's behavior somehow reminded you of some of the ways she does things. Let her decide for herself whether that diagnosis fits for her.
