Breastfed 1 Year Old Wakes up 3 Times Every Night; Non-supportive Husband

First, my heart goes out to you. There are a few of things you need to address here:
1. You and your husband need marriage counseling and if that does not work you need to leave him. Having a non-supportive husband and one that puts you down is worse than having no husband at all. You think you can't do it alone but you already are and being with someone like that is more harmful than being alone. Hopefully you can get him to marriage counseling and it will work.
2. You need a different pediatrician. There's absolutely no reason to let your child cry it out, especially if it makes her throw up (it almost did that for my son and we dropped it after 3 nights).
3. If you brush your kid's teeth after the last meal and then only nurse afterward, then nursing at night will not damage her teeth.
4. My son went through the same phase. This is what worked for me which is not to mean it will work for you but you could give it a shot - I started giving him a '2nd dinner' about half an hour before bedtime. It is usually an oatmeal/cereal type meal with warm milk (breastmilk or formula or whole milk). I warm the milk first (I do a cup of milk for about 60 seconds in the microwave) and then I add one spoonful of cereal at a time and mix until I get a thick but not lumpy consistency. I also add about 1/2 a spoon of raw sugar and some cinnamon to make it taste better. Or if he doesn't want that I'll give him yogurt and some cheese and some apple. I make sure to brush his teeth after of course. Then we do our bedtime routine and I stay with him until he falls asleep. It might help to get her out of the crib and put her mattress on the floor or get a twin mattress like we did so you have room to lie down next to her until she falls asleep. This will give her the confidence that you are there for her. If she wakes up at night hungry in spite of having that 2nd dinner, first offer water (it would be ideal if your husband could go to her and offer her water because if it's you of course she wants the breast, but it seems unlikely that your husband will do that; that's something you could discuss in counseling for example - him actually helping with the kids). There have been times when my husband was out of town and I just had to nurse him at night because he wouldn't take water from me. I also keep a small container of cheerios and a cup of water by his bed so that if he is still hungry he can have some cheerios and water instead of nursing. He stopped nursing at 21 months. Of course I don't brush his teeth again in the middle of the night if he eats, but I do right after breakfast. So those are my suggestions. I doubt that she's really hungry. Just some water might actually do the trick. If you believe she really is hungry try to gently but firmly tell her she can have cheerios and water but not nurse. It might work it might not.

The main thing though is that you and your husband get help. You cannot go on living like that. You will spiral into deep depression and that is just not fair to your kids. She might be even sensing that stuff isn't right and that's why she's waking up at night to make sure you are still there with her. Your children have to come first and for that, you need to come first. It sounds like between making all the meals, going to school, and working from home that you do a WHOLE LOT and so your husband sounds like a real jerk. Sorry to be so blunt but if he won't go to counseling you need to get rid of him because he is setting a bad example for you kids and causing you depression and that's just not the right way to go through life. You deserve better than that.

Hey Layla...

I completely understand where you are ... because I am there too. My husband isnt as bad now because he does go to therapy with me. I am still getting up 3 times a night with my 1 year old to nurse as well and cannot do the cry it out because his crib is in our room and my husband has not choice but to go to work. I work from home and stay with our 4 year old during the day. We also have a special needs 6 year old so I completely understand the exhaustion and lack of energy to get anything done. I am not sure where you are but I am willing to give you the name of my therapist if you are in the Hampton Roads area (Newport News specifically but she has an office in Virginia Beach as well). I have just recently come off of my depression and anxiety meds with the help of my therapist and husband who has really stepped up since therapy. I will pray that maybe after you get some help your husband will also decide to join you.
Until then, all I can say is that you continue to try your hardest, try to let what he says roll off your back (you know you are doing what you can), get help via a therapist, and try to see if you can get a friend to help you with the house a couple days a week or watch the baby so you can either clean up or get some sleep.
If I can help in any other way, please let me know because I have been there and I know how fustrating and lonley it is.

Layla

Does your daughter wake up because she is hungry or because she is looking on it as a comfort? Maybe if she is hungry then you could try giving her formula/cows milk before she goes to bed and see if that helps. If she wakes as a comfort then unfortunately you have no choice than to let her cry it out and let her get the message that way...you don't need to let her cry & cry without going to her at all , you can pick her up & comfort her and then put her back in her crib & keep doing this until she falls to sleep (the first night or 2 will probably take a while).

As for your husband , I cannot believe how selfish he is being , complaining that the house isn't tidy enought & that you should do more classes...I suggest that you completely stop making any meals for him & just cook for yourself and the kids , also do none of his laundry and then let him see exactly how much you do...he'll soon change his tune.

Good luck

K.

Your daughter is old enough that she should not need all these extra feedings. She is waking out of habit at this point. Everyone has a different stand on the whole issue of cry-it-out; in my own experience letting my daughter cry it out (with some comforting - mostly from my husband - in between) for a week or so got her to where she was sleeping through the night. It was absolutely worth it.
(Just as a side note - someone mentioned the adverse health affects of letting a child cry. Me and all my 5 siblings were raised crying it out (my mom had three babies her first 4 years of marriage with a father that was often TDY in the military - you better believe sometimes we just had to cry to save her sanity!) and we're all extremely healthy and very well adjusted adults. Sometimes I wonder how people come up with these statistics.....)
As for your husband, you've already gotten a lot of good advice so I won't add to the pot. I'd just get angry if I tried to voice how I felt about it :)
You sound like you're doing a great job with all that you're dealing with. Best of luck to you.

I'd love to say, first off, divorce the jerk, but that's not helpful.Ok, that being said, the next time he brings up the women he knows who are so incredible say, "Name them." Ask him if he can get names and numbers so you can talk to them and find out how they do it. (10 to 1 he doesn't know anybody) I think you need counseling, the phone book is full of them, and I think you need to go see your physician. Maybe it's more than just the baby waking you up during the night. You also sound depressed. Lack of sleep and a disparaging husband can certainly add to that. Also, and once again, this will probably not be helpful, but get your ducks in a row. You may need to leave, or kick him out of the house. And you want to make sure you are physically, mentally, and financially able to make a life on your own with your kids.

My daughter did the same thing, and I didn't want to let her cry it out either. I ended up weaning her, and within a week she was sleeping through the night. I just held her and snuggled her and then put her back in bed when she was sleepy. I don't think you would have to wean her completely if you didn't want to, but she had self-weaned during the day, and I just put my foot down that if she didn't want to eat during the day, she wasn't keeping me up all night eating, but she'll be my last, so I didn't want her to cry either. I swear, the waking stopped probably in 3 days. I was depressed too, when I was getting up like that. You will feel a LOT better once you start getting some sleep, no matter what you decide to do. don't take the stuff going on with your husband to heart- once you start getting some sleep, everything will change- you'll see :).

Layla,

The main issue is your husband. His behavior is abusive. When I was single, working and putting myself through graduate school ONE class at a time, I was exhausted. Add children and a husband to the mix, and it doesn't seem manageable. Your husband should be proud of you and supportive. Instead he's demoralizing.

Find a good therapist. Since you're in VA, I can't guide you. So do a local Google search, call your MD, and ask close friends if they can recommend names. If your husband refuses to go, just leave it alone. You go. Your main concern is yourself and your kids.

Stick with school and make sure your business is thriving. If your husband refuses to change, you'll have to rely on yourself for support - hard but possible! I have a friend who's a single parent to 5 children! She also put herself through school - undergraduate and graduate.

Keep an eye on your kids. My first thought was that the 1 year old was hungry during the night, too. Try changing her eating habits during the day by perhaps giving her healthy snacks in between meals. And let her cry it out, too. I know it's hard, but as a friend always told me, "No baby has ever died from crying!"

If food isn't an issue with your little one, then perhaps she's absorbing some of your anxiety. If you're working from home, then I assume she's with you during most of the day. How is your older daughter reacting? Has her behavior changed at all? If you find a therapist, eventually your older daughter will have to attend sessions, too, b/c at 5, she's definitely not immune to negative behavior.

Finally, can you indulge a bit and get someone to clean up the house if it's such "a mess," as your husband seems to believe? But don't do it for him; do it for yourself. You deserve a break. Sometimes, when life becomes so crazy, organizing your environment removes some of the "clutter" in your head. Plus, I would imagine that a more organized environment would also help with your home business.

Good luck - and remember: Find a therapist!

a small PS - Don't go nuts over three meals a day. After all, breakfast doesn't have to be a major production, and if it's just you and your little one during the day, lunch should be easy, too. If you have to focus your energy on a meal, let it be dinner. Maybe you can prepare some meals over the weekend and freeze them. Crockpots are also excellent inventions!

Hi Layla,

It seems like getting a therapist to talk to would be a great first step. I don't know who is good or where you are located exactly, but you might want to look here:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/District+....
I'm not sure what to suggest about getting your child to sleep. I co-slept with mine when they were that age, but I don't think you would be able to do that because your husband would object (unless you had another separate bed). Just make sure you get enough sleep. I would suggest considering if there is one particular thing that could be done every day that would make your husband feel like things were well-taken care of (such as having a tidy kitchen), but he seems like he has an attitude problem. Trying to please him might just be impossible. It's too bad he wouldn't go to a therapist.

Take good care of yourself!

First, there is nothing wrong with night nursing so long as her teeth are clear of any solids before she goes to bed. Breastmilk alone will not harm teeth and has been shown to actually strengthen them in the lab. Breastmilk in partner with any solids or other sugars in the mouth will rot teeth faster than sodas and candy. Babies really start with developmental leaps at this age as well as cut teeth. My 14 month old is cutting molars and I have not had a good night's sleep in a week and a half. Edit: If you're using formula for feedings, then give her water in a bottle. She may just be thirsty. (I forget that not everyone feeding older babes at night are not always breastfeeders.)

As to your husband and his examples of Super Moms... It sounds like you are doing just as much, if not more than those other people, and without a supportive husband. The way he is treating you is unacceptable. Go see a therapist, sure, but also keep a good lawyer's number on hand. Just because he's not leaving bruises on your skin doesn't mean he's not beating you down. I quit doing things for the man in my life years ago. He's grown and can fend for himself. I do just about everything I do for myself and my children.

Also, cry it out does not mean alone. I am so not an advocate for that method of parenting for many reasons, including that it's been shown that it kills brain cells and elevates stress hormones making the body more succeptable to disease. If your husband insists on having her cry or night weaning her, transfer night time parenting to his responsibility. He's her parent too. If he protests saying he needs his sleep for his job, then let him know that it's having the same effect on your "job" performance and to quit giving you a hard time about the house and outside employment unless he plans on pulling his fair share as a parent.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My husband and I just had a blowout where he made it obvious that he neither honored nor cherished me or my efforts as a wife and mother (thereby breaking his marriage vows) and I held my ground that I was a valuable person that was not going to cave on what I believed in just because my brother in law pushed his buttons. See if you can get him to talk to you and find out where this pressure for you to do more is coming from. Is he overwhelmed at work? Did he get wind of layoffs or reduction in hours coming? Is he stressed about being able to provide for you and the kids? I'm sure this is not the kind of behavior he displayed when you got married. Let him know what your concerns are for his change from the man you married into someone that treats you like you wouldn't treat your enemies. He may not realize what he's doing is hurting you. If he's still beating you up emotionally then get your degree and look to get yourself and your girls out. Staying in an emotionally abusive marriage will only show them that that sort of behavior is acceptable and the cycle will continue. Good luck to you!

I would try sleeping with your 1yr. You can sleep through nursing at night and will wake up feeling much more rested. Night time feeding just becomes rolling over hooking her up and drifting back to sleep. When she is bigger you can try her in a big girl bed but if she is a high need child she may still wake and come in with you from time to time. As far as the doctor worried about her teeth if you wipe them off after nursing during the day and brush them reg. it should not be a problem. There is research out there on the topic. It would be bad if she had 3 bottles a night because formula rots teeth. Breastmilk actually nourishes teeth. IF your doctor has not had time to read and keep up on this kind of info. then they are equating breastmilk with formula and they are just not the same. Whether you believe in a creator or evolution it does not make sense that we would produce a substance that would destroy the teeth of our young. As for a therapist David Bounds is a great counselor I am sorry I do not have his contact information. I have 6 kids and homeschool. I work very hard every day and I am often tired esp. when someone is sick. It sounds to me like you have a very full and busy life and you are doing a good job. My house is usually a bit cluttered and disheveled that is life. You can only do what you can do. For me I try to make my goal to live to serve and please God. And as far as he is concerned meeting the needs of people is much more important than meeting the needs of things. Hang in there. Your daughter will someday sleep all night and wean and you will miss this time as crazy as that sounds now.

It sound like you have your plate very full and a person in your life who doesn't understand the stress you're under. Conerning the baby, see if you can find a no cry way to get your child sleeping. The book "No cry sleep solution" Sems to be a good one. Crying it out will work for most kids in my opinion, but it is really hard to let them struggle with it. Maybe find something in between like letting her cry for a few minutes and then go pick her up and each time waiting a little longer, that's kinda like the ferber method. Understand something, what's best for your sanity is what's best for your children. If you can't get sleep, then it's hard for you to be available for your children. That's how I had to look at it when my daughter had some sleep issues.

Concerning a therapist, if you want, you can private message me and I can give you a name of a wonderful therapist in Potomac/bethesda, MD. I highly reccomend her. Just one more thing:marriage is wonderful and great for your children, but if your partner is not working for you, something must change. This doesn't mean divorce, it just means you need to find a way to get validated for who you are and what you do. You seem to be working hard on bettering yourself and you likfe and should be applauded. I wish you luck.
A.

Hi Layla,

I am truly sorry to hear what you are going through. My advice is related to your daughter waking in the middle of the night - as I have recently dealt with the same issue with my 16 month old son. It sounds like your pediatrician has ruled out any nutritional concerns, i.e., that your daughter is waking up because she's hungry. Therefore, my suggestion is to try eliminating one night feed at a time. For example, if your daughter is waking at midnight, 3 am and 5 am, I would maybe start with eliminating the midnight feeding. When she wakes, you can try giving her a bottle or sippy cup (whatever she's using now) of water. Of course, she won't really want it but that's the point - to get her to see that waking up isn't really worth it because there's no cuddling and nursing. If that doesn't work (or it's taking to long), you can try going even slower by only offering one breast instead of two during the feedings, then going to the sippy cup of water a couple of days later. (Be sure to keep the feedings really boring - not a lot of cuddling, talking, rocking, etc.) Once you've eliminated the first night feeding, you can then move to eliminating the other two. You may also find that eliminating the second night feeding will be a lot easier. Your daughter is in the habit of waking up and nursing, so it's really a matter of just *gently* breaking that habit. I personally don't like the idea of making her go "cold turkey" or letting her cry it out - it's heartwrenching, I know!! Plus, you can get the same results with a gentler method. It can take about a week or maybe a little more, but she will get the message and she will learn to sleep through the night (or at least not wake up three times.) The key, however, is to be consistent. Sometimes it's just easier to nurse than to offer the water or soothe her back to sleep, but as you know, in the end it will be worth it because you'll have YOUR sleep time back!! For what it's worth, I usually nurse my son before he goes to bed (I brush his teeth after he nurses then we read a book and I lay him down for the night) and nurse him the first thing when he wakes up in the morning. That way seems to work well for us and eased the transition of eliminating the night feedings. Also, I don't know if your daughter has a favorite blanket or small stuffed animal, but having her sleep with that may also help when you begin to eliminate the feedings.

I would also encourage you to continue to get as much sleep during the day as possible. If you need to nap when your daughter is napping, then do it! You truly have a lot on your plate and you need rest. I'm sorry I don't have a counselor to recommend or any helpful advice regarding your husband, but I'm sure other wonderful moms will jump in here with great advice. You're in my prayers.

S.

S.

Might I give you the name of a great attorney. Your husband sounds like a complete jerk. Cut your loss, finish school, move on with your life. Maybe you will find a man who can value all you have to offer and your hard jobs!

Sincerely,
K.

Ok, learn how to tune out negative thoughts and communication from your husband. That kind of talk will cause you to stay depressed. You are doing a lot for you. Each person is different and the amount of work each person can handle is different. Do not compare yourself to others and do not allow others to do that to you, either, by internalizing what they're saying. Peace starts from within. You are drained. You will have to let your baby cry it out or you will have to pump enough milk prior to bedtime and enlist Dad on at least one or two of those nighttime feedings. Unable or unwilling to pump? Let her cry. You need rest. Also, check your workload. You have a 1-year-old, you're working and going to school and trying to manage a house, and I'm sure you don't have a babysitter. Try to find a relative or save some pennies and set aside a day a month when you can rest. Once you're rested, try to find some time in there for yourself to unwind. Once you are replenished, you'll find your energy levels restored and you'll be able to do more even if your husband never gets it. Eventually, he'll quit complaining and be motivated to step up and do his share, too. Until then, pace yourself. You're not superwoman and Rome wasn't built in a day. Each month that passes, your baby grows into another developmental level and this too shall pass. Just in time for potty-training! Hurray! My point is, this is just a season. It's unfortunate that your husband is not on board, but things do change so have heart and try not to let this ruin the marriage. My attitude is that I'll do my part in the relationship. If he chooses to loose his mind, that is his choice. Do not let anything he says or does cause you to doubt who you are. And, if you cannot do it on your own, be sure to seek help from a counselor who can help you through this period of your life.

First, I want to say that it is amazing that you're trying to do so much. Second, i'm very sorry that your husband is a jerk. I'd like to meet these people he allegedly knows, because I'm calling BS on that. There may be 2 women in the history of the world who have pulled that off, and i'll guarantee you they did it with supportive, helpful husbands.
On the baby subject - i would recommend either co-sleeping (which is what we just stopped doing with my 16 month old, because he was nursing so much at night. I just leave one out and he helped himself. my sleep was a little broken, it was much better than walking to his room and completely interrupting my sleep.
If that's not an option, one method I've heard is to go in and rock/walk/sing/otherwise comfort the baby, but dont' nurse. Or only nurse once in the middle of the night. Apparently some kids will wake up to nurse because they like it and know they'll get it and if you stop nursing them, they'll stop asking for it.
Best of luck, and you should be super proud of yourself for everything you're trying to do (I'm a SAHM with a job from home, taking 1 class and I'm barely handling it. You're amazing.)

the only thing that cured my hubby was to go out and get a quote for an Opear. who will basically do all of your mummy jobs

and say if you dont start being nice to me this is what you will be paying for.

you wanted these kids you help raise them !!!!!

Layla,

I'm sorry I don't know of a therapist but I sure feel for you. Sounds like your husband should be more appreciative of all that you do for yourself and for your family, and help out more!! Maybe you could try the woman's center - I'm told they have all kinds of resources that can help you out. Good luck. We just returned from a month long trip overseas and now my 10 month old won't sleep through the night. He's been waking up 4 times a night for the past 10 days and it's really starting to take a toll on me... I feel for you.

I'm assuming he works full time also? I mean if you work and go to school and take care of home, then he should realize that all he does is work one job and you are up all night with baby! I'm sure he hasn't always been like this or else you wouldn't have married him, or would have seen these problems before - but sometimes men act out for various unrelated reasons - he may be jealous of the baby. Whatever the case, he probably won't change overnight, so don't listen to demeaning words he says, but just try to focus on what needs to be accomplished and then ask for help when you need it. If you solve the sleep problem, that will at least help with school, housework, mood, etc. and seriously, men like to feel helpful, so maybe if you try to work out a compromise - like he does dinner once a week or you get take out once in a while...and also try to conserve some energy - you may be type A like me and think you are expected to have homemade meals every night, etc...try to make large quantities of casseroles or something that can be spread over two nights - or buy the pizza-making packages that could be a fun family activity to bring you all closer together and make pizzas as a family, then it takes 10 minutes to cook and dinner is ready...they even have wheat crusts now....taking out little things like spending an hour on dinner really helps out. And tell your husband if he wants to floor to look spotless, he can clean it himself! :)

She is on solid foods, right? You can also give her a bottle of cereal in the evening at bedtime, that should fill her up, if you want to keep her still on liquids. After that, it is only a habital behaviour and you can trick her with a water bottle if she wakes up at night. Pretty soon only holding a hand on her when she wakes up will do the trick then not even that is needed.

I actually changed to sippy cup at one year with my sons, gave them a plate full of porridge as a evening meal and then just milk to drink. My life got easier, and they were happy kids, growing fast. Never obese or fat, and we always slept thru the night.

Why do you still breast feed her if it doesnt work? Do what is best for your situation, ignore the outsiders.

I agree with the other resoponses about your husband. You are doing tons, if your husband can't see it, the he has a problem. Please don't let him make you feel bad (easier said than done). As for the waking in the night to nurse. My little one did this and my ped said that he probally liked the comfort and to give him bottles (formula and then water) when he wakes in the night. He gradually woke up less an less because he wanted to nurse and wasn't really hurngry. Good luck

Sometimes husbands need a reality check. For a couple of days, keep a written log of everything you do, and do this for the entire 24 hours of the day. Then just hand it to your husband when the remarks start, and leave the room. Sometimes I think men have a hard time realizing that "staying at home with the kids" is a 24-7 job. I have an extremely supportive husband...and there are still times when I find him sitting on the sofa watching football while I'm lugging around a vaccuum cleaner. Why? It's his "weekend." Happened last night, in fact. But it's best to point these things out in as neutral a way as possible.

Hello, I'm so sorry for your situation. I have a similar one, although I have a very supportive husband. My 18 month old is a terrible sleeper and CIO did not work for her even a little bit. Same thing, vomitting, gagging, holding her breath, the works. Your first step needs to be to cut out the breastfeeding in the middle of the night. Offer her a cup of milk or water instead. And eventually just go to water. There will most likely be a few rough nights, but then she will know what to expect and easily go back to sleep. I sleep with my daughter if she has trouble, I don't know if that's an option or not for you. After you have broken her of the night feedings, you may want to start weaning...I'm not sure what your plan is for that. I breastfed until 15 months, so if you're not ready that's fine, but once they are old enough to know the comfort breastfeeding brings, they want it and don't sleep well. My daughter still does not sleep through the night consistently, however it got much better when I stopped breastfeeding.

As for your husband...no offense...but he sounds like a lazy jerk. You should tell him everything that you feel and make him see that you are working a full time job just like him and you deserve a little help from him in the evenings. Marriage and parenting is a partnership. Remind him that these are his children too and he owes it to them to not only take part in raising them, but show their mother respect. If that doesn't work and he won't go talk to someone with you then he obviously is not willing to work at his marriage and you should cut your losses. I know that sounds cold hearted, but believe me it will never get better. My mom...at 50 years old...is going through this now with my dad. He never helped her, never supported her, never appreciated her and I kind of wish they would of split up when I was younger. He will never change on his own, you need marriage counselling and he has to be willing to try.

Hope that helps.

oh my gosh! That is horrible! Don't even think that you are not doing enough. Taking care of kids is very hard work, especially when you are sleep-deprived! It's very important for you to take naps, so I'm glad that you are doing that. One of my friends had twins a couple of years ago & when she missed church one morning b/c she was tired, her husband said, "just because you've had kids is no reason to let yourself go."! So, the next night, she woke him up & made him stay up with her for every feeding. He never said anything again. Until you know how tiring it is to wake up multiple times a night to feed, some people just don't get it. I don't know if that would really work in your situation, but I wanted to share that with you.

I don't really have any advice about the feedings or a counselor for you. I wish I could help. I do want you to know I feel for you though & will pray that things improve. You are doing a good job!

My babies all woke up at night until I weaned them. Sorry.
My advice on your husband is to let him read this post. Sometimes seeing written down how you feel works better than talking.
Good luck with everything.

My son did not sleep through the night until he was 5 1/2 yo. My husband used to say the same thing and never got up during the night...until I had to go out of town for a family funeral and HE had to do it all. Talk about a change in attitude. First you need to tell your husband that his lack of respect for you has to end NOW. Then if he beleives the house isn't clean enough...he should help clean it. Make a list of all that you do...everything. Then make a list of all that he does around the house. My guess is that you are so tired that your "attention" towards him may be lacking. That makes men even more cranky and more critical. He is probably feeling neglected and doesn't want to say it. Explain to him you NEED sleep and if he gets up during the night sometimes you'll be better rested, hence more efficient, hence he gets more attention. As far as his comparisons to "other" women with 5 kids, etc. tell him to go ask them how much their husband helps with the house and childcare! They also are probably not doing it from home while caring for a 1 year old.

As for your daughter, when she cries console her without talking to her, feeding her or picking her up. If she is wet, change her (all business). Supernanny shows several methods on how to teach her without letting her cry it out. I used it with my second son and he slept through the night early. I wish you luck with your husband and your daughter.

Hi Layla,

I just wanted to add that a good way to help your little one sleep is make sure he is well fed. Would a snack of baby food cereal with baby yogurt before bed help? Also I would try a bottle of water for night and tune out the second feeding. I agree that weaning might be a good idea for you now, plus the older they get, the harder it is sometimes. As for your dear husband, he has a problem, and it is a shame, but it isn't your fault, no matter what he says, that he feels he must belittle you. The people who do all the stuff he says get help from their husbands, not criticism. I recommend tuning him out too! The counselor is a good idea, do pursue that. Maybe a hospital nearby has a social worker who can recommend someone? or your family doctor?

Best of luck, and take care of yourself first so you can take care of your little ones.

J.

Hi Layla,

I am really sorry you are having such a tough time!! You are smart to reach out for help!

It's impossible to 'do it all' especially on little sleep. Remember they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique, its NO good for anyone!!

Not sure where you are located but there are some great therapists at The Up Center, they offices all around the Tidewater area.

Hang in there! Your hubby needs to get some more realistic expectations in the meantime you MUST take care of yourself!

Good luck, S.

I won't get into the whole husband issue because that's been covered pretty well and I can't give you any more insight than what's already been said.

My son nursed for a year and a half and the nighttime nursing sessions were indeed the hardest because it DOES take a toll. At your daughters age my son was nursing atleast 5 times a night (and he did not develop any cavities). I definitely recommend the book "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I did not have the heart to let my son cry it out...I know it works well for some, but it did not feel right to me. Another good book is "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr.William Sears. They helped me to cut back on the number or night nursings. When it was time to cut out the night sessions altogether, and I don't know if this would be feasible in your situation, but my husband went into the room to put my son back to sleep. This worked well because if it were me trying to get him to sleep without nursing he would get all upset and start crying. With my husband all he had to do was pick him up, give him a hug, tell him it was time for bed, then put him back to sleep. He NEVER cried with him (because he knows daddy doesn't have the *goods*). That only lasted a few nights and then he stopped waking in the night. A few months after that he stopped nursing during the day too. Regardless of all the advice we've shared, you have to do what feels right to you. You're doing a fantastic job juggling your multiple responsibilities. Good luck...

Your baby is a year old now so it might be time to start thinking about taking her off of the breast. I breast fed my baby for a year but had to give it up because it got to be to demanding for me because he appatite grew and he needed to nurse more often so I had to put him or formula. Try giving her a bottle of half formula and half breast milk, give it to her just before bedtime. Formula is heavier than breast milk so she will sleep longer. As for your husband, men generally do not understand the trials that we go through. Yes, there are women out there who have more children to take care of while taking classes but typically they have a stronger support system. Once the baby starts sleeping through the night, you will have more time to get things done. Consider taking care of the house at night after the kids are asleep (depending on what time they go to bed). Once you get that situation under controll, then you will have more time for yourself. Understand that men are very needy and act like babies themselves and he needs your time too.

Layla,
My heart goes out to you! I teeter on the brink of being judgmental, and I don't mean to be, but it seems to me that the problem is not really with the waking child, but with the unsupportive husband. I don't know him, but it seems to me that he does NOT have your best interest in sight. If you are indeed solely responsible for EVERYTHING at home, ie; the household chores, the raising of the children, the running of a business (that ultimately takes even more of the burden off of him to support the family), you're taking classes to better yourself... I don't mean to be numb about this, but what DOES HE DO?--other than put you down and find fault with you? If he refuses to talk to anyone about your relationship then he is either WELL AWARE of what he is doing, or is clueless to the negative effect he is having on you. This will eventually effect your children too, you know.
My question to you is this. How much of his demeaning attitude are you willing to put up with? Are you willing to give up anything to meet his expectations in the home? Layla, you are obviously overworked and underappreciated. You are worth more. You are Fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Seek His guidance in this. Seek counsel with your Pastor, or other Christian counselor. I'm sure that there is a counselor with the AACC in your area. (American Association of Christian Counselors). You could start by contacting Dr. Tim Clinton. I think he has a website. (just google Dr. Tim Clinton).
I will keep you and your situation in my prayers.
S.

Hello,
I think you are doing a great job, first of all. Second, dont let anyone put you down for anything. I have three kids, two 4 year olds(not twins, long story)and a 9 month old who wakes up about three times a night. The doctor also told me to let him cry, but it is hard. I bottle feed though and it makes me very tired during the day. My doc told what to do is give him less and less every night, like ususally he drinks 4 oz. so every night reduce it. Like for first night give her a little bit less than she usally takes. Then keep doing that. When he cries becuz he needs well I say wants it what you do then is let him cry for 5 min, walk in room, do not pick him up, comfort him just to let her know u are still there, then walk out, ler her cry for 10 min, walk back in do it again, keep that flow. I have not tried it yet becuz my son has been sick with a stomach thing so im trying it pro really soon so i guess i will see if it works. It doesnt hurt to try anything right? Good Luck...
B. D

Hi Layla! You have a lot of responses so I won't write much, but I had to chime in. When my first daughter was born and I quit my job my husband thought I had all the time in the world during the day. He would leave me "to do" lists and then wonder why none of it was done when he got home. In his defense, he wasn't being mean, he just had NO CLUE what I did on a daily basis. If you weren't breastfeeding I would tell you to do what I eventually did - leave him alone for a LONG time with the kid. When my two girls were little (one was 2, the other 4 months) I left my husband alone for a whole weekend while I went to an out of town bridal shower/girls weekend. When I got home he said "OK, I really get it now...."

Anyway, I don't know how else to get it into a man's head that what we do as mother's is WORK!! I wish I had better advice. Just know that you are sooooooo not alone.

Many babies that wake during the night are just used to that cycle and when mom comes in, they automatically want milk. Many suggest having another caregiver do the nightwakings for a few days to a week, and when she knows she will not be getting any milk, she should stop fully waking up (we wake many times during our sleep cycle and babies need to learn to just go back to sleep and not fully wake up). Tell your husband to get this under control you needd HIS help!! He should go in and comfort her (YES she will cry and it will be hard on all of you!!). But she should stop waking as much when she knows there is no milk coming with the comfort.
Best of luck!
K.
( a non cry it out mom!)
A good book - The no cry Sleep solution - a lot of good ideas and a whole chapter on nursing babies and sleep issues.

On the other issues, please ask your primary doctor for a recommendation. They usually know good theripists in the area. You need to be able to at least talk to someone about your issues, but it sounds like you really need couples therepy to get to the heart of these issues.

Hi Layla,
Sorry to hear that things are not going too well right now and I am glad to see you have had so many positive responses and kind words from other moms who understand you exactly. I was just wondering whether you would consider weaning your baby. My second daughter was also up 3 times a night for a feed until she was a year old, and I had heard that once a baby is weaned it really helps them to sleep through the night. You shouldn't do the weaning all at once; just replace one feed a day with a bottle, then after a week change another feed and so on. In my case this really worked like magic and once the weaning was complete, my daughter was sleeping all through the night.
I hope this helps and things get better soon.
L. P
Proud member of the MOM Team
www.YouCanWorkFromYourHome.com