Bring My Own Meat?

Me, personally, I would never dream of inviting someone to my home to eat and then telling them to bring their own food. I don't care how much money you make, how old you are, what allergies you may have. If you are a guest in my home; I feed you. Period. End of story.

I don't think it's that big of a deal. We have friends that invite us over for BBQ's and they just tell everyone to bring their own meat to grill. I've even been to parties that's like that. They were probibly just thinking you wouldn't eat what they were making, so they are trying to make it easy on you.

Hi,
Not to be rude, but if you can not eat what they make you should bring something you can eat. However they should have a dish for you too...,but if there are more people at the birthday it is very hard to meet everyone's needs...

I dont think anything sounds rude about this at all, except, I'm sorry to say, your attitude about it. You were going to her house for her birthday. She wanted shrimp and fish for her birthday lunch. They were letting you know ahead of time that you weren't going to like what they were serving, but they wanted you there anyway. They were concerned about YOUR comfort and YOUR presence at the party. I think it would have been more rude for them not to tell you what was on the menu and then you showed up and had nothing to eat.
We have get togethers every summer where we make tons of side dishes and provide the hot grill, but everyone brings their own meat. That way everyone can make what they want to eat or can afford, yet everyone can come have a good time. We have had nothing but positive feedback from all of our friends about it. I personally think that if my friends were upset about me being tacky, and they didn't feel comfortable saying "dude, that is so tacky! What's wrong with you?", they wouldn't be very good friends.

So your the one with the allergies and refusal to eat fish/shrimp right??? Well then I think YOU are the rude one thinking that they should bend to your wishes. You know in advanced what they are serving so you should prepare your own meat. Take that giant piece of meat and enjoy it. Stop grumbling over something so dumb. I know I sound very rude, but I've been surrounded by very selfish people all weekend. Sorry. Yes they should have thought of you and asked what would you like, but sometimes people just don't think. It's the world we live in.

You know, there are so many things in life to get worked up over. This shouldn't be one of them. Go for the fellowship. Love them. Don't be so caught up in the issue of the food. Bring your food. In the grand scheme of things, does this really matter all that much? They had a menu for her birthday. They know you can't/don't want to eat it. They let you know in advance so you are prepared. They wanted you to be there. If they didn't invite you, you would probably have been more hurt. Please, just love them and overlook what you consider to be a inconsideration of your needs/wants. Enjoy the fellowship and your steak. ;)

I was a vegetarian for a long time, whenever I was invited to an omnivore get-together I never expected them to buy something special for me. I either brought my own vegetarian protein or stuck to eating the sides that were vegetarian. I think if you are invited to a seafood dinner and you don't like seafood, bring your own or stick to the sides and salad. Nothing tacky about it.
BTW, if they do not eat red meat (for whatever reason, remember that it is also lent and some people don't eat or serve red meat during this time for religious reasons), I would be careful not to offend them by bringing a huge bloody steak.
Good luck.

No, not really....Its not like they said its "byom" for everybody. You arent eating what they are serving so to be safe they are letting you know. Im vegetarian and never expect special meals made for me when i go to dinner parties, even though some of my friends do make sure i have things to eat, its nice, but not expected.

I stopped eating mammals in 1988. My ex-husband's family was big on BBQing steaks, ribs, burgers and stuff. It was always easier for me to grab a chicken breast from home than expect them to change the menu for me. I never felt put out by it, it was my decision not to eat what they were having.

I agree that if I am inviting someone over to eat and I am making something that they do not/can not eat, I do make an alternative meal for them. However, SOME people never learned to think of others along with themselves, and to them it ISN'T rude, at least they thought to warn you to bring something else so you didn't end up going hungry! I think this is one of those 'different strokes for different folks' type things.

I have food allergies and take my own food almost everywhere, even when I stay with my parents. It's hard enough for people to have company without having to worry about my specific food needs. I usually bring something pre-cooked that can be heated in the microwave, like leftovers from my fridge or freezer. Or I stop at the store en route, and buy something special from the deli that is safe for me. That way I'm not taking up grill space and getting in the hosts' way while they are trying to cook for everyone else. Plus, if you put your meat on their grill, it may become cross-contaminated with ingredients you are allergic too. A party is a bad place to have an allergic reaction.

There is more to life than food. Don't get me wrong, it's a bummer to watch other people eat yummy dishes while I eat a leftovers. But other people have to do this too, diabetics, heart patients, vegetarians. I don't want to miss out on a good time because of my food allergies.

I read Leslies post and also was thinking the same thing. My favorite food is seafood all sorts.. When we celebrate I love to request shrimp, lobster etc.. So if it is my birthday and this is what I want, we should not serve it because 1 person is allergic? Would it be better to not invite them?

I still think they should have just called you and said, we are serving... We know you are allergic, Would you like a nice steak or chicken?

I just cannot imagine this whole party is a slight to you. I just think this is what they wanted to serve and are crippled by a lack of social graces. To take this sooo personally makes me wonder if there is some sort of prior problems between all of you. Other wise, this is much ado about not much.
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Its and a big deal and odd if you make it one.
If you want to attend. take a beautiful steak.

They want to serve seafood and you are allergic. They obviously do not know the social graces of entertaining. I do not think it was meant to be some sort of snub.

I would have handled it differently too. I would have called and asked, would you like chicken or beef? And then provided you with a beautiful main course.

Believe me, in my husbands family, if they want to snub you, they will say it to your face.

I try to make food that everyone who has an allergy can eat but I do not cook a special meal for anyone that chooses not to eat a particular food. That is their own choice. From the sounds of it you could have eaten the fish but you don't care to so they gave you an option. If someone invited my family over it would have to be gluten free (I have Celiac), vegan (my daughter), low cholesterol(my husband), a few years ago corn and dairy free also (my other daughter had food allergies but seems to have out grown them). I would never expect anyone to cook for us like that. I always taught my children when you go to someone's house you politely eat what you can of what they serve. I also always ask if I could bring something so I would know for sure there was at least one dish my children could eat. As for I am an adult and if I could not eat much I would make it until I got home.

Yes, I think that it is tacky and rude. I would have just added a non-seafood dish to the menu if I knew that you were allergic. I would not knowingly serve something that someone could not eat without some sort of alternative available. Presumably they know you well enough to have an idea of what you can/won't eat.

BYOM? Seriously? I think that's tacky.
It IS her birthday (and maybe they are fasting meat on Fridays?) so she should be able to prepare her favorite things.
Now if she knows you are allergic, she could have informed you what they were serving and left it up to you to to bring something along for yourself...my niece is on a gluten free diet and she often just brings something to family functions--but I try to have a salad, veggies, fruit, etc so there is "something" she can have--but I don't do a separate main dish for her--no O. does really--not even her parents.

It's not their fault you don't fish!!!!

Why should everyone else tailor their meal to your whims? It's her birthday, so her choice of food. They where considerate by telling you beforehand. Bring your own special food. Obviously you where thinking more of your offended feelings than enjoying company or celebrating her birthday. THAT is rude.

I had to look at your name and where you live because I swear you are talking about my SIL.

My SIL does not like her Dad’s girlfriend at all! I’m not sure of why or all the details but they had a family dinner/BBQ at their house one night and she told me she asked her Dad’s GF to bring her own meat to BBQ. The GF was the only one asked to bring her own meat. It was her way of being vindictive. Anyway her Dad was not happy about how she was treating the GF and said if she can’t treat her with respect, that he would not be coming over again. It really irked her that her Dad had the GF’s back on this but she relented and now bites her tongue big time and doesn’t ask her to bring her own meat anymore.

Do you get along with your BF’s son and wife? I’m truly not trying to sound mean or rude but your story sounds SOOOO familiar =-)

By the way be careful cooking your meat on the same grill as the shrimp since you're allergic.

I've been to lots of parties where they ask you to bring your own meat.
Are others attending and bringing their own meat as well?
Are they vegetarians and maybe get grossed out by meat so they dont want it in their fridge maybe? Are there other problems with your relationship dynamic with them? Are they setting up a bbq for the people that bring steaks?
Are they young and just made a social blunder by asking you to bring your own meat, and maybe you can convo about this with the gal to let her know that it was a tad odd.

I agree that it was very tacky to not have something there for you but at the same time, YOU are the one that doesn't eat fish (at least from your question there seems to be no allergy to it). If they were only serving shrimp then it would be extremely rude since you truly cannot eat it, but if you don't eat fish simply because you dislike the taste, then they didn't have to accommodate you. There are plenty of times my husband goes somewhere and HATES what is being served (he dislikes quite a few "normal" food items), but he eats what he can and then has a larger meal when we get home. Next time, ask what is being served ahead of time and bring something you would like if you aren't happy with the choice of food.

I was invited to a church friends home for dinner yesterday. I called to see what I could bring. We discussed the menu and decided I should do the salad and the cake. I don't think that was tacky whatesoever. My mother taught me to never go anywhere empty handed. I always bring a desert and a side dish or appetizer, enough for everyone, whether asked to or not. The hosts usually take the meat assignment. I think asking you to bring your own meat was to address your allergies. I don't find that offensive at all.

How thoughtful of them to point out before time that they know their menu might be a problem for you.
Thoughtful.
Your diet needs are your situation- why would you make it someone else's?
Why would you try to cause a problem with your friend's child?
K

Nope not for us. We live in a community that every month or so we get together for a neighborhood cookout. Everyone brings their own meat and a side dish to share. We grill, eat and have a good time. I could most definitely see why you would be offended but it's her birthday and she obviously wanted seafood I think it was nice of her to mention it since she knows about your allergy and aversion to fish. Bring your own meat and have a good time.

They are rude. Your boyfriend is defending them because he raised the son and he's partly responsible for his manners! The purpose of a party is to entertain everyone, not to single out someone and make her feel uncomfortable. Besides, what are you supposed to do? Take over the kitchen and cook your own entree? Sounds more intrusive than making a second dish!

I wouldn't serve something that I knew my guests were ALLERGIC to. I would serve something that not everyone likes, but I would try to serve a couple of things so that people with different tastes could find something to eat. I would never single out one guest and make a totally separate meal for her - I would simple put a variety of things on the table and let everyone choose what they want. So, if I were this couple, I would not serve shrimp at all, but I might make a fish dish and a chicken dish, or serve a big chef's salad with an alternative protein source on it (eggs, sliced turkey, feta cheese, or any of a zillion other options).

I doubt very much that this is a cost issue - they wouldn't choose shrimp if they had to economize. And when you invite people, you invite them - they aren't told to bring any food at all unless it is a potluck dinner.

Is there a religious consideration involved here? Some people don't serve meat during Lent. That would be justifiable, but then again, I doubt they would tell you to bring your own meat.

You can't do anything about this now, but I would just attend and eat what you can, taking the high road and showing them good manners. If they make a discussion out of it, just say, "Oh I wouldn't dream of taking over your kitchen to prepare something other than what you are serving. Everything looks lovely. Please pass the vegetables." Then change the subject.

How big of a get together was this? They may have had a full plate (pardon the pun) just trying to get things organized, if there were a lot of people. And it might have been an attempt at being considerate by asking you to bring a different meat for yourself... that way you could have a meat of your own choosing. If it was a large group, and everyone else was happy to enjoy the shrimp and fish, then you shouldn't expect them to decide to serve something else as the main course just because you were invited to come also. Would you have rather that they didn't invite your boyfriend and yourself at all?

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were letting you know in advance that there wouldn't be other meats there for you to choose from, and were trying to accommodate by letting YOU decide what you would have instead. So that you would be happy with whatever it was.
If it were a small group (just the two of them and you and your bf) then they should have served something else. But if it were a larger group, then, be gracious.

BYOM. That's a new one.

$200K a year and they can't buy meat? Oh well, they must have other good qualities.

So rude! If they knowingly serve something that you cannot eat, then they should also knowingly make an alternative. However, if you are "like family" to them, this may just be how they are.

Personally, when we invite people to a party at our home, we don't expect them to bring a thing. If they ask, an appetizer or something to "add" to the dinner or table is always "welcome", but never "requested'. Yikes.

I agree it's a little on the rude side; whenever there has been a family event where chicken was served, something else was made for my dad (he doesn't like chicken) or if shrimp or fish was served, a chicken breast was made for me (I don't like seafood or fish of any kind).

I would tell your boyfriend that he can go without you.

So so so so so so so tacky. Rude. I am shaking my head. If I invited my husband's parents over and told them to bring their own meat my husband would be furious. If they KNOW that you are allergic to shrimp I am beyond baffled as to why they are cooking it! This just screams tacky all around.
However, if you want to avoid an issues with your boyfriend's son then you bring your own meat and bite your tongue. Yes, it's rude. Yes, it's tacky. No, it's not something that you want to make a mountain out of.
L.

TACKY!

My SIL used to host an annual family get-together which was bring your own meat AND a dish to pass. After she caught wind of the fact that the request was super tacky, she decided to start making an entire meal...

WITH A COVER CHARGE! ($20 a person, $10 for the kids)

Needless to say, we don't go there for that particular holiday. We spend that holiday at a restaurant where we actually get good food for our money and someone else cooks it!

And...if you can't afford to host a party where you intend on having a meal but can't pay for it don't host a party!

Umm this is how we do it. and many of our friends. I don't think that there is anything rude about this at all. Please expand on why you feel this is rude. I just don't get why.

I think they're being rude! I'd bring a big ribeye too!

Gosh, I hope they only did that because you're family and they feel comfortable enough to offend you. I really hope they don't treat all their guests that way. Unless it's a potluck, I would *never* ask my guests to bring their own food. If I know someone's allergic to a food I want to serve, I will not serve it (for safety issues). If I know someone doesn't like a food I want to serve, I will make a separate dish to serve them. I wouldn't even consider asking (or telling, in your case) a guest (family or not) to bring their own food. Very tacky.

At first glance, yes, it is a bit odd to have a party and ask someone to BYOM. Did they ask anyone else to bring anything (side, chips, beverage, etc.)? If they just asked you I can understand why you feel upset. On the other hand, it was nice of them to give you the heads up. I'm not a seafood eater myself and have had to go without a main course before because there was nothing else for me to eat. As for why they didn't just buy something for you too, only they know that answer so I won't speculate. Also, maybe this is a pattern of behavior for them as you seem quite upset. My advice is to try to focus on the positive and be glad you know you'll have at least an awesome steak to enjoy. Life is too short to allow anything to steal your joy.

Yep, tacky is only one of the words I'd use to discribe this. If they are inviting others and feeding them, it's rather rude to not plan for you too when they know you are allergic to the sea food. How hard would it be for them to put a piece of chicken in the oven, or make a burger patty for you? But they probably don't see it this way so take along a nice individual lasagna, or something else you like that won't take forever to cook, and just enjoy the visit. Hopefully they will serve salad and side dishes you can have and you can rave about how delicious their dinner was,,and just smile.
The only time their request seems reasonable is in the summer when a bunch of us will get together for a big bbq and we all bring our own steak, or chicken or hotdogs, burgers,,whatever, and we each bring a side dish to share. The host family is supplying the house, drinks, pool, horseshoes, whatever and it's usually a spur of the moment deal after the guys have played golf all day. I took salmon once for myself,,and made everyone jealous. (o:

Very rude, sounds like they either don't beleive in your allergy (which then they are just stupid) and trying to make a point. If you have an allergy than you should not put others out. Which is absurd my Father-in-law has the same allergy as you. I would Never just serve shell-fish if at all when I invited them to dinner. On occasion we may serve shrimp as a side dish but I always have something he can eat aswell.

I admit I've been to (and hosted) a lot of parties that were bring-your-own-meat. Usually, for us, it meant we had tons of sides available, and the grill would be cooking, and my husband would cook up everything, but it made it easy to please everybody (since everyone tends to like something different) while also easier to host a large group.

I guess I don't see anything wrong with it, but it isn't as formal as other invitations.

when i'm hosting i try to provide a reasonable variety of options for my guests. but i don't stress about it. when my brother was going through a militant vegan phase, he and his wife automatically brought a dish or two so they knew they'd always have something they liked.
i just don't see why this is such a huge deal. maybe their resources are limited and they can't afford to provide both the seafood that she wants (and it's her birthday after all, right?) and a meat dish. or they thought you might like to decide for yourself what kind of meat you want. or this is what their family does.
i'd quit reading so much into it. either roll your eyes and bring some burgers, or stay offended and don't go. i would personally relax and enjoy the get-together without the poisonous resentment over a pretty minor issue.
khairete
S.

I don't think it's rude at all. Meat is expensive and they were having seafood which you can't and/or won't eat. Also I'm assuming they are young, new at the entertaining thing, so they're not going to get it perfect.

I can see why you would be put off by it but it doesn't sound like too big of a deal to me.

I have had what they call a steak bake. Which I provide all the sides, salads, drinks, and desserts, and we turn on the grill, my husband will man the grill, but guests bring their own selection of steak.

But that is a far cry from what you are talking about! I would address the situation with class and integrity. Simply approach the son or the daughter in law, and explain that perhaps the next time they invote for dinner, they could simply make a dishthat you can all enjoy. They can obviously have shrimp any time they want, so why make it when they know someone is allergic?

The only other possibility I can think of is that maybe your boyfriend asked for shrimp, since he probably does not have the opportunity to have it with you. Maybe his son said they would make the shrimp, and your boyfriend said he would make sure you bring something you can eat?

Just stabbing at any ideas that would make this behavior seem okay... but that doesn't seem to work out no matter how I play it in my head. So sorry you had to endure this one...next time politely decline the offer if you can, and explain that making something else for yourself may not stop a reaction from the shrimp being prepared in the same kitchen with all the other foods... maybe that will make them understand how offensive it is to do this!

I think the fact that they told you in advance is good, even if they didn't provide something else specifically for you. (You did say you were the only one that doesn't eat what was being prepared.) Maybe it was her favorite meal, so she wanted it for her birthday. It was her birthday, her menu choice. Maybe hubby didn't want to prepare an entire meal for her and the guests, and something else for you.

I can relate in a completely different context. I do not eat pork in any way, shape or form. On one side of the family, they really love anything pork. They have a big ham every Easter. I don't even like the smell....it repulses me, but I go because they are family. They always fix me something else, and I have asked time and again NOT TO!! I can make do with the sides and salads, and have room for dessert. I don't NEED them to 'cater' to my dietary differences. It is fine that they do, but I feel bad when I am the only one eating the other thing. I feel singled out, so I just wish they would stop making the second 'main' dish.

I just wanted to provide a different point of view and offer you a new way to think of this. It's all about perspective. I don't think they were TRYING to be rude, but if you "take the biggest ribeye steak on the shelf" next time, then you WOULD be.

It is not like you just dislike shrimp you are allergic. That sheds a complete different light on things. My daughter has food allergies and even though people's intentions are good and they think they are providing safe food, there are many things they just wouldn't know so I prefer to provide her food when we go somewhere. It is probably the same idea.

For example, I have an aunt who is allergic to pork. When she buys ground beef she has to make sure that they breakdown and clean the grinder before they prepare hers incase they were previously grinding pork. It's things like that that you don't think of unless you have allergies.

They didn't ask you to bring meat for your boyfriend so I would take it as they were trying to keep you safe so that you would have an enjoyable time. Be grateful for that.

Agreed, very rude!!! They should of made you something separate, how hard is it?? My husband and I were invited to a get together this past Saturday, to my dismay, but went for him, and the host called us on the way asking us to pick up ketchup, mustard, plates and ice...Mind you, this couple has more money than god.. I thought it was so tacky since we had to drag our kids into the store...They have one on the way, so have no idea yet what it's like...When we got there, he proceeded to tell us that the other guests already ate before getting there and he would make hot dogs and hamburgers later on and no appetizers in site...We were starving!!!! Then when it came time to grill, his wife only cooked what each of us said we wanted and no more...Maybe someone would like a hamburger and a hot dog..ugh!!! Not planning on going back...

Marcela:

Hhhmmmm....a tad bit tacky - however, if you are allergic to shrimp it's ENTIRELY possible they didn't want to compromise the food by having yours with theirs or everyone else's. I personally would've changed the menu.

I don't think it was a money issue. But I do agree with you - if I invite people over, I don't ask them to bring their own meat - and if they have allergies, I am usually the one who is changing my menu to accommodate them.

I was non dairy vegatarian for years, when my dad would bbq he would grill me a black bean burger, and when he made christmas breakfast he made a batch of biscuit gravy with soy milk and vegan sausage. on occasion my grandmother would make her side dish a little different so it didnt have meat biproducts (like taking the ham out of the green beans) but I never had anyone else who would specifically cater to my needs. and I never expected them to

It's not their fault you don't eat fish!!!!

Why should everyone else tailor their meal to your whims? It's her birthday, so her choice of food. They where considerate by telling you beforehand. Bring your own special food. Obviously you where thinking more of your offended feelings than enjoying company or celebrating her birthday. THAT is rude.

This made me laugh because I think it is SO RUDE. My SIL is a vegetarian. My MIL is lactose intolerant. I go way out of my way anytime they are all here, to make dishes they can eat. It is not always easy, but I am creative.
My brother's GF is also a vegetarian so I always make sure to have good veg dishes for her. I have seen other people be so careless with their guests dietary needs and to me it's ridiculous! If you're hosting, treat others the way you'd like to be treated in their home! Personally I take alot of pride in having my guests be happy and pleased with food I prepare for them.

I've had that same problem and it used to irk me, but I've gotten over it.

We get together a lot with my husband's best friend and his wife. His best friend goes on these kicks; for instance, one time he got on a smoked ribs kick. Every time we got together he wanted to make smoked ribs. I don't like ribs. After the first time, it irritated me that he still wanted to smoke ribs every time we got together, even though he knew I didn't like them. But I just bit my tongue and brought my cornish hen or whatever I felt like having. Eventually his wife got tired of having the ribs too, and started having something else. I don't think she would have done it if I hadn't started it; she probably would have just eaten the ribs. So I guess in a way it was helpful for her that I brought my own meat.

Now I don't even think twice about it any more; if we're having a get together and everyone else is eating something I don't like, I just bring something for myself. Haha, one time we got together for ribs (again) and I brought a great steak. Everyone was eyeing my steak all night. The next time we got together, guess what we had?!

They're not being good hosts. You should never have to bring your own dinner to an invitation. The hosts should be the ones to accomodate you. You are correct to be taken aback by that. If you've already agreed, then go ahead & bring your own, but when you get there, just say to them privately, that the hosts of the get together fix all the dinners, even special meals for certain accomodations (like no fish for you), not the guest. If you're still thinking about it & have yet to agree to bringing your own meat, then let them know that yes, you will be there but they, being the hosts, provide the meal, including your special accomodations. If they press the issue, then further explain that it's bad manners & bad hosting b/c the hosts of the party/dinner provide for the guests & the guests would bring wine or dessert as a gesture of appreciation for the invitation. I completely disagree w/the other posters here that say you're being self-centered & that your hosts were right in making you bring your own. I've always been taught that the hosts provide the food for an invitation but I, as the guest, bring a dessert or wine as a gesture in kind, unless it's a potluck. It'd be the same as someone calling before hand & asking me if I have any food allergies & accomodating for that. Hope this helps. Good luck!

I was very very allergic to fish, it would make me extremely ill. Once I had my kids - I guess my body changed and I must of outgrew the allegery because I could eat fish... but before that... if my in-laws were having fish, fish fry.. they would always GET me chicken or something else. If I knew it was a fish cook, I would go buy ME the best piece of steak - it usually made the fish people jealous. But I feel if you're INVITED, I would accomodate YOU my guest. I would only BYOM if I sepecifically said that's what the event is - I make the side dishes, condiments, etc... you bring the meat..

we actually have bring your own meat parties all the time during the summer. We love to grill but cant afford to feed everyone, so we take turns providing the sides and everyone brings their own meat. But this doesnt sound like that sort of party, and I'm super picky, so I probably would have just eaten before I left, like I do for Christmas at my MIL's, because her husband makes shrimp and I hate it.

I disagree with you. If you are invited to someone else's house for a dinner, it is not up to the host to provide individual foods for each person invited. It would be up to you to provide something else if you do not wish to eat what is provided. It would be nice if they made something that everyone could eat that they are aware of, but if it is her birthday, they are most likely having what she would like for her birthday choice. I would also make what is most enjoyable for the person who's birthday we are celebrating. Just my opinion. I actually think Momofmany said it best.