What would you all do? I’ll try and make a long story short. I have two kids. My brother and his wife were front and center when they were born. In the hospital after their births. Came to see us after my deliveries. Calling to see them. I did not mind at all. We have a history of our older sister not wanting us around her son when he was born so I didn’t want that to happen again. My brother now has a two year old son. I have seen him about 8 times. We live 10 minutes apart. His wife does not work. He has been over to my house about 3 times. I called his wife asking if I could see him and if we could set up play dates for our kdis. Basically was like no – it doesn’t’ matter if he knows you. He’s too little for play dates. Yes, she said that. I then asked if I could get him something from his auntie and she said no he doesn’t need anything. We can buy whatever he needs. I ended the call by saying – oh well, I’ll just see him when I see him. Usually during a holiday at my parent’s house. She gleefully said ok.
I am a very responsible person. I don’t do drugs or drink to get drunk. Social wine drinker every now and then but nothing that would label me. I don’t hang around shady people. I don’t create chaos and havoc. I’m pretty easy going. I work full-time. My kids aren’t wild animals. Well one is two, so she has her two year old issues. My other one is 5. We have never had any animosity and not argument of any kind. I thought we got a long great. When were were around their son she hovers and doesn’t let anyone near him like we are going to hurt him. My mom is only one that they really let see her.
Now they have a newborn and they didn’t even want us to come to the hospital. However, they would drop by unexpectedly when I was in the hospital. Even when I was about to take a nap I stayed up for two hours and let them hold the baby. The last time we saw them was about a month ago prior to the delivery. My brother didn’t want my kids around his son cause he was afraid they would pass on a cold or something then pass it on to his pregnant wife. Fair enough. However, neither of my kids were sick. He claims the last time my daughter was around his son he got a fever. She was fine when she went over there so I thought she caught it from him. Either way, not a big deal. Kids get sick. Anyway, so he went in the basement and shut the door with my two year old crying her cousin’s name. He wanted to keep them apart just in case. They act like their kids are better than ours or something. Oh one more story: About a year ago, my brother had a really bad sinus infection. His wife and son were going to come over. I told him not to cause I didn’t want to get my girls sick. He did anyway. Got us all sick. Really sick. He said it wasn’t from him and he was not apologetic in the least. I was so mad. I never should have let him in. When I confronted him with that while he was trying to keep his son away from my daughter he said yeah I probably did make you all sick. It works for him when he’s trying to make a point.
Would you just go MIA and leave them alone? Talking to them won’t matter. They aren’t ones to discuss something they already made their mind up on. I’m just really sad over it is all. Feel like I will never get to know my niece and nephew. He couldn’t even send me a picture of the new baby. I had to get it from his secretary. Wow I just read that last sentence. That’s pathetic.
Want to add. No information is missing. What you see is what you get. There was never a turning point that would cause this. In fact for my birtday she went to great lengths to get me a beautiful gift. So I am not hiding something I did to them. I know there are two sides to every story but this IS the story. Very confused. -
Second add - No seriously NOTHING Is missing. Everything has always been on their terms. I agree with the person that said they were using us to fill their baby needs. Wasn't so much about family. They had access to what they wanted. They are even th God Parents to my kids, but really don't interact with them anymore.
Two options:
1. Talk to them directly about how you feel (weird, I know! LOL).
2. Invite them over from time to time. And see if they come.
I agree with being as much of a part of the kids lives as you can--birthday cards, holiday gifts, etc. They sound overprotective and that's not going to change overnight.
How would you be able to change them? I mean, I don't think that's really possible. Find other people with kids for playdates. Cultivate new relationships. Because this one just isn't going to work, because you can't make people be different than they are.
Something happened that either you aren't sharing or you aren't aware of. Somehow (whether you realize it or not), you offended or hurt them in some way.
You need to find out what happened if you want the situation to change. I would strongly suggest that you reach out privately to your brother and point-blank ask what is going on and don't accept "nothing" as an answer. He's your brother, so the conversation happens between the two of you.
This might be hard to hear, but why would you want to be a part of their lives if they act like this? I get that they're family and all, but the writing is bright red on the wall...they don't want a relationship with you (or at least the kind of relationship you want to have). Yes, it's sad and yes, cousins should know each other. But, you've done the best you can; it's time to move on. Enjoy the company of other members of your family or family of your heart.
I speak from experience. For example, my eldest SIL (I have three), has spent the last 20 years whining about how "the cousins" should spend more time together, but it's all talk. When we make it to within an hour of her, she's too busy to return our calls. When she's within an hour of us, she's too busy to see if we can come see her. Whatever. I stay in touch with my niece and nephew via Facebook and we share a cordial, adult relationship (they are 18 and 20 now).
Another example, my MIL is constantly battling some health issue, whether it's allergies, a cold or whatever. We've lived within 30 minutes of each other for nearly 13 years. There have been years when she has us come to visit (she never comes to us) almost every month. Then there have been years where we see her only 2-3 times a year. It all depends on how she's feeling and the health of my kids.
As the years went by, I realized that my life is too short to waste trying to figure out the antics of my family. I live my life, fill it with people of my choosing, people who bring me laughter and joy. I try to remain in touch with folks like my SIL or my MIL but I don't beat my head against the wall if they don't respond. In the end, it's their loss.
Good luck.
Ask yourself: If there were no kids involved -- if they had none, if you and your husband had none -- would you want to spend time with your brother and his wife, as adults with adults?
Do you like them personally, if you take kids and that feeling of "cousins should know each other, aunts should know nieces and nephews" out of the picture?
Do you have any interests or activities in common with these two adults? Would you choose to go to the movies with them, have them over for dinner, wonder how they're doing, want to check in with them -- IF they were not relatives whom you already know?
If you wouldn't hang with them as unrelated, childless friends, then the only link you're feeling is a sense of some family obligation that clearly isn't reciprocated from their side. Sure, it would be nice to get to know their kids, and as your kids and theirs get older, and SIL and brother perhaps get some reality checks about the fact that all kids will get sick, etc., you can try again with them in the future for more play dates for the kids. But "baby love" only goes so far in binding adult family members together.
Find friends who aren't relatives but whom you like, have things in common with, want to DO things with that aren't entirely kid-centered. Sad to miss out on nieces and nephews but you do see them, if rarely. Meanwhile, it's even sadder to miss out on real, close friendships for your kids and yourselves while you're pining for what sounds like a closeness that is never going to happen.
I personally would call her set up a time to talk with her (no kids around) and just be very blunt. Ask her why she behaves this way, but be prepared for whatever she might say.
They both sound very very over protective and as parents (right or wrong) that is their right to be that way.
When you say talking to them won't matter, keep in mind what I am saying. Don't argue with them or try to "plead" your case. But you do have a right to know if it's something you've done or if it's them just being weird.
It sounds to me (from the surface) that this is definatley an issue they have not something that you've done.
Hard truth, they were probably using your kids to fill their need for 'baby time'. All couples get it. That ache to hold a baby and wonder if yours would feel/look the same. Now that they have their own, you aren't needed. I have a relative that did this.
It sounds like they think that if they keep themselves locked in the house and keep the rest of the world out, that they'll never get sick. That is very warped. Especially now that they have a newborn, the mom could be hoping to keep the newborn from getting sick. The reality of it is that if you grow up in too sterile of an environment, health and emotion-wise, then when you get out into the real world, you can't cope. You get sick at the drop of a hat. You have no family connection. No friends.
Personally, I would back off. Let them live. When and if they 'just drop by' again, consider giving them a dose of their own medicine and either not let them in or let them in for 5 minutes and then have to run an errand. Being part of a family isn't 'pick and choose'. Its getting together just cuz its Wednesday! Nothing bugs me more than the family members that ONLY show up for family functions on THEIR birthday and Christmas. I've even gone as far as not to buy them gifts cuz 'Oh, Sorry, I didn't know you'd be here.'
I know this may sound blunt, but It seems to me that they just don't like you . Some people are just like that-they can't be happy about anything and nothing is good enough for them. Please don't take offense to them doing this--it sounds like you have done everything you can to make the situation work and it just wont--because of them. I would let it go and stop trying. When and if they realize that they are pushing others away and acting like they are better than others, maybe they will come and apologize. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. Live your life and invite them when its a good time for you---other than that, don't worry about it. I am so sorry you are in this situation--I know its hard and it doesn't feel good. Take care, Molly
Well, we could speculate all day as to the reasoning behind all of it. Probably wouldn't get us anywhere. The question is what to do now. I would try to have a non-confrontational discussion with your brother and see what he says. If he blows you off, you may have to just let it go. See them at family gatherings, continue to send cards if you feel comfortable, but concentrate on the other positive things you do have in your life. I know this is hard, but the sooner you get to the bottom of it or let it go, the sooner you will find peace about this situation.
I would let it go....
And although not 100 right, I too would keep my children from some of the neighbor kids b/c they were ALWAYS sick. Snot running down their nose all the time. Great parents, nice home life, clean kids but it's just that they were exposed to more germs during the day and my kids stayed at home w/ me. I just didn't want to 'deal' with them getting sick.
Move past this and be gracious at family events. Rise above it. Good luck
Here's my new Mamapedia motto after reading SOOOOOO many in-law problems:
Better Out Than In....
It's time to speak directly to your blood relative. Be clear that you want to speak to him. Be clear that it's important to you. Be clear that you are frustrated by the lack of family time and play time and general good feelings towards one another. Ask what's up and be prepared with an open heart to hear their concerns too. Then, after you've listened to his side....make a decision as to how you will repair this relationship or move on and not look back.
You can't keep investing this much time and emotional energy into people who don't and won't reciprocate in kind.
In my experience there are some parents who just do not want to have their young children influenced by others (especially other children...they seem to think that bad habits will be picked up in addition to germs and they are not entirely incorrect about that. Case in point: My daughter used to have proper pronunciation, since attending preschool she has started removing "g" from the end of words...she will say havin', lovin', and she says "ya" instead of you...not a battle I will fully wage with her presently). Some parents want to keep their children in bubbles. Maybe your brother and sister-in-law are that type. Maybe they feel like you judge their parenting decisions. Maybe they think you think your children are better than theirs. Who knows? If you want to find out lay it all on the table. They may answer honestly but even if they do they will probably continue to avoid you so I personally would let it go.
Wow, I guess you have no real choice but to leave them be. That is very sad. Sounds like they are going to be helicopter parents. Unfortunately some people are just that way when they have kids. I wouldn't totally let them drop off the face of the earth, but you've made quite a bit of effort. I mean she can't even meet you for play dates, that is sad. Sorry, I have no real advice...maybe in time they will come around.
After what you've been through I'd let her know that you think she's nuts and if she doesn't want a relationship so be it. Who care if it's politically correct, she's crazy and someone should probably let her know. At least if she gets mad you'll get SOMETHING out of her. I'd go to the brother first and be like "I think you need help" if he gets defensive then it just means he knows it and is not man enough to stand up to crazy and let her know. Good luck. I feel like pulling my hair out just imagining what you're going through. She'll get a nice wake-up call when she finally comes out of her shell and lets her kids integrate with others, they're going to be sicker than she was ever worried about before. Poor kids, hopefully once they are old enough to maintain contact without their moms knowledge you'll be a stable role model in their lives! Good luck!
The sad trugh is that many people are very affected by their spouses. They come into a marriage perfectly normal but their perceptions and opinions get swayed, slanted and distorted by their spouse. My brother has been heavily affected by his wife - and it's been YEARS and they are finally becoming more normal - but still standoffish.
Sounds to me like your SIL is a little odd - maybe a perfectionist - maybe she's got obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and paranoid about her baby? When my brother and SIL had twin boys we were never invited to a birthday party, never to any events in their pre-school lives. Once they got older - middle school and beyone we began being invited. WE thought it was very odd - in our family we got together frequently. We always used the kids birhtday's as excuses to get together - even if there was a kid-party the aunts and uncles & cousins were invited - but not with this brother and SIL. We were never invited to ther house either. Even now - their boys are college grads - we get an invitation every few years - and then it's only after they've done some major home-improvement that they want to show off.
I am one of 5 siblings. We usually take turns on where holiday gatherings will be - this particular brother and SIL almost never have the holiday gatherings.
We decided long ago that if we wanted to ever see this part of the family we'd have to do it on their terms. Since we love our brother that's what we did. It's been almost 25 years - but at least he's still a part of the family - and it's finally improved.
My theory about my SIL is that she's generally uptight, she's OCD and things have to be "just so". That explains why she doesn't invite us to her house until everything is "just so"- it explains why she doesn't like to go to other people's homes (she uptight), and when her boys were little she sheltered them from everyone except her parents (she's an only child) and a very few people she selected from their catholic school who were "approved" in her mind. It's not a personal thing - she's just odd and my brother followed along to keep the peace.
My advice is to step back, don't take it personally. Maybe as her kids get a little older she won't be so uptight and she'll be more open. But it's definitely an issue she has and it's not about you. Good luck with this - it is odd - but there's nothing you can do about it.
Awe that makes me sad that you are disconnected from your niece and nephew:(
I would explain your feelings to your SIL and Brother and not make it about them per-se, but you want to figure out what you can do to make this work - to build a happy extended family. Maybe even ask if you did something wrong (even though you are sure you didn't never hurts to ask.)
finally, I would give them their space. Even though babies are fun, etc. the real bonding between auntie and kiddos can begin or continue into their toddler years and beyond when mom & dad are a little more lax in their germ fears.
Hang in there.
Time for a family meeting. Air your grievances and see if you can find some common ground. Sounds like thier feelings were hurt when you rejected them and so now they are rejecting you. Hurt feelings all around. Kids stuck in the middle = Family Meeting.
He was a big part of the kids lives - dropping in a the hospital, showing up and being there. Then you didnt want him to come around your kids because he was sick. He did, everyone got sick, you confronted him. Now he doesnt want you around his kids or you might make them sick. He felt rejected and is now rejecting you.
There is no way that we aren't missing something here in a big way. Did he make you guys sick BEFORE he didn't want your kids around his pregnant wife? I'm trying to get at the fact that you were mad at him for making you all sick. Is that where this all started in their minds? Were they so mad at you for blaming that they are getting you back?
I'm sorry that ya'll are going through this. If what you are saying is true and there's no reason for them acting this way, I would unfortunately let it go. Look at is as their loss. They are depriving their kids of having a relationship with their cousins. What a shame. But you can't force the issue. Focus on your family and those who want to be a part of it. Those that participate in it in a healthy productive way. You don't have to be blood related to be part of a family. Maybe over time, they will come to their senses. That's all you can hope for.
I don't really know what to say, except HOW SAD. Do what you can do to be a part of the children's lives... send birthday cards stuff like that, so when they get older there's no one they can blame except their parents for having you absent from their lives.
One of our ex friends wouldn't ever let their kids see us... why? Because we have tattoos. Doesn't matter that we are super sweet, kind people, no drugs and less alcohol drinking then them, the type of people do bend over backwards for any child... yeah, we couldn't see those kids because we had tattoos and they didn't want their kids exposed to that. I feel sorry for those poor sheltered kids... but we cut our losses. I can respect wanting to keep your kids away safe, but ignorance, in this case, is NOT bliss.
they have some issues. plain and simple. its like they think their child si better then everyone elses and that everything is a danger to their children. and i would tlak to my brother about it. let him know that you would never hurt your nephews/nieces and ask him what you may have done to make him feel other wise. all you can do is try! if they wont let up after that... you may have to wait till the children get older to see them or let you kids play. best wishes!
Seems like there's information missing here. I'm not implying that you're lying AT ALL so please don't think that, but it's hard to give advice when I don't know the whole story. My brother kept his kids from me once, but it was because his wife tried to sleep with my husband and I bitched her out, called her out on it, and put it out in the open. Of course, I got punished for it. I also caught her going through my Mom's purse. Oh yeah, and I caught her cheating on my brother. She is a sleaze, always will be, and if my brother wants to choose her over his family that's his business.
Sorry, I digress. My point is, I know how much it hurts when you picture your family a certain way and it doesn't work out like that. Let them do what they will and eventually the pieces will fall where they are supposed to fall. You can't make people do what they don't want to do. You didn't really say why they might not want to be around you so I don't know what else to say.
Good luck!
