Would You Maintain Friendship with In-laws Against Hubby's Wishes?

You don'rt control each other's friendships. HE can refuse to be friends with his siblings, but he can't forbid you to do so.

I would stay friends with them online but limit real time with them and let them know that hubby is the main reason for this.

By staying in contact with them in the limited way you will be able to find out what is going on in their lives and such.

I would click on their page and make them acquaintances then make my personal family stuff friends but not acquaintances so they don't know what hubby is up to and his personal information.

I have some family that I really don't want them knowing we're doing this or that so we don't have to deal with "Why didn't you come see us when you were in town?" so I've made them acquaintances and only have my personal posts to friends but not acquaintances. I also have my photo albums listed like this.

I think you must honor your husband's wishes. If the shoe was on the other foot and you weren't speaking to your siblings how would you feel if your husband pursued a relationship with your family?

If you value your marriage, you respect your husband's wishes when it comes to his family. Keep bringing it up every now and again in the hope that he will come around but really, you can't go behind his back unless you're willing to deal with the consequences. You and your husband are supposed to be a team and when it comes to his family, he calls the shots.

Have you come right out and asked if he would mind if you and the kids got together with them without him? My guess would be that he wouldn't be OK with this but who knows, maybe he would be fine with it as long as you don't try to make him participate in that relationship? If you have suggested this and he said no and would see is as you taking their side, then there you have it.

My (soon to be ex) husband and his brother had a falling out several years ago over something his brother did that he saw as a betrayal. And it was a betrayal, but it was something that he went ahead and did anyway. For several years, we kept our distance from the brother and his then-girlfriend (now wife). Over the years, the sting of the betrayal has worn off and he was able to spend more time around them and now while they don't have a totally repaired relationship, they can be in the same place and even exchange pleasantries. At the time it happened, I could see both sides but the only thing to do was side with my husband and let him take the lead on things. When it came to things like whether or not we would go to an important party I did encourage him to set his feelings aside and go, and he did, but for smaller gatherings, holidays, etc. we just ignored them until he was ready to deal with him again.

I would not side against my husband nor would I see his family if he didn't and didn't get along with them.
While it's unfortunate, they're his family and there's something to be said about a united front. I would
maintain my immediate family (husband, myself and kids) and would forgo keeping the family going at the rsk of alienating my husband. Your immediate core (you, hubby & kids are your primary goal). Hopefully things
will change in the future but you should keep your alliance with your husband. This is not something litte
and unimportant like my hubby likes "Downy I like Tide" kind of argument.

I am confused on how you have close friendship (one that would betray your husbands feelings) with them if you only saw them a few times a year? Facebook is not a relationship, just a way to keep in contact with others.

As to reuniting the siblings, it depends on if the estranged two are willing to hear out your husband. Are they willing to do their part to take responsibility for their behavior that caused the rift? I not, then I think you have your answer. If so, then they should contact your husband and let him know the want to resolve the issues.

Mistakes can be forgiven, toxic people cannot. Perhaps he sees them as toxic and is taking this opportunity to distance himself and family from them.

Parents are often the bridge that connects siblings. When they are gone the real relationship is exposed as well as other things from the past.

Because of that, I would respect my husbands wishes. Find other friends. The cousins can establish their own relationships when they are adults.

Forgive me if this is a redundant message. My loyalty would be to my husband and I would try to abide by his wishes in this sort of situation. I agree, he is your husband and not your father and has no "right" to dictate those with which you associate. Having said that, picking battles in a marriage is an art form and given the information you posted above, he has significant reasons not to want to maintain his sibling relationships. If you maintain a connection, I would keep it as casual as possible, otherwise you run the risk of generating an unnecessary and difficult to resolve resentment in him toward you. Is maintaining that connection with these people really worth risking the quality of your marriage? What did the world do before Facebook???? best of all to you both!! S.

They've proven that they can be unethical.
You're kids don't need to learn this about them - and they will if they have contact.
Your husband is your family - respect his wishes and follow his lead.
Drop them on Facebook and everywhere else.
Make some new friends.

If they did a lot of unethical things, why would you want your kids to have a relationship with them? I wouldn't go farther than online a this point. I'm estranged from a couple of relatives for good reasons and my daughter doesn't need them in her life. I do miss my uncle, but he knows where to find me and I send him a birthday text annually. He really doesn't have anything to do with his family anymore, thanks to his new wife and that's his choice. I can't force him. Do you really miss the friendship because they had something to offer or because it represented something you feel you are missing (big holidays, etc)?

I wouldn't go against him in this case. If his reason was that someone's political opinions were different or something like that, or something "small potatoes", I'd say he was petty. But you say that they did a number of unethical things, and that's pretty bad. I have a situation like that in my family - and we've made the break. Later on when the kids are grown, if they want to establish contact, that's up to them. But keeping up with people who really attacked your husband at a vulnerable time and in an unethical way? I don't know how you say "it's okay to hang out with them anyway."

I think your being friends with your in-laws when your husband is keeping away could be very confusing for your kids.

Not to be blunt, but don't you have other friendships in your life? Do you need two people who caused someone you love such pain to be present in your life again? Do you need to make this a point of contention between yourself and your husband?

If your husband was cordial with them and would be taking the kids to see these people on his own, by all means, maintaining a friendship would be appropriate. This, though, I can see as just being one more confusing piece of the puzzle for your kids. I try to model friendships and 'who is a good friend' by the company I keep. You say that what they did was unethical. Why aren't you considering their prior behavior a warning sign?

If I were in your husband's shoes, I'd be pissed. In fact, I don't see one of my family members due to some bad behavior on their part. If my husband decided to start seeing that person or taking our son to see them, I'd be livid. Your first priority is your marriage. Think about it. Sometimes when we take space from someone, we consider this as damage control. Don't undermine him.

You and your husband are a team and should be supporting each other. Friends are one thing....but inlaws are another story. For example, I have had no contact with my dad for years because he is a narcissist. If my husband were to go behind my back and have a relationship with him....well...I think our marriage would probably be done.

My husband's sister married a guy that is similar to my dad....but a little different. My husband cannot stand his sister's husband. We are all cordial with each other...but I would never take it a step further than that. In fact, my relationship with DH's sister has kind of gone cold because of her husband and DH. It would be unfair to my husband if I struck up anything more than just being related at this point.

That being said, DH has friends that I absolutely have issues with. He is fine to be friends with them so long as they treat me with respect (like I do with them) and they need to remember that DH is a husband and a father.

I think we all would like for our kids to have a nice big extended family and cousins. I get that part. My husband is not close to his family either.

Are they reaching out to you? Or is this your wishful thinking?

The thing is, what are you going to do? Go to holiday celebrations and their birthdays without him? I think that would be really odd. Similarly, would you invite them to yours without your husband being present? If you think it through, it just sounds stressful. And I can't imagine your husband being comfortable with it.

It doesn't sound like you were friends much beyond that. So I would personally keep it light and friendly on Facebook, if your husband's ok with that.

I would think if they did the unethical stuff, then they need to step forward. I think you stepping in and just wanting a friendship at this point is not really appropriate.

Just my thoughts. I think it's better left to the siblings to figure out. Good luck :)

So it sounds like you weren't really that close to begin with if you saw them on holidays and birthdays. Those can be forced gatherings...and if they were unethical, I would NOT want anything to do with them either.

What you miss is what you USED to have with them, not what they are now. Unfortunately people change and death makes people's true colors come to the surface. It's your husband's side, not yours. So not your call.

If you REALLY want a relationship with them again, you and your husband need to have a very honest conversation. You need to tell him what you want, respect if he doesn't want anything to do with them, and see what happens from there.

Something happened when my grannie died and my dad was furious with his sister. They didn't speak for months. My mom is a peacemaker and couldn't stand the discord. She told my dad it was a horrible tribute to his mother to behave the way they were. One day she was sick of it and invited her to the house (5 hour drive). My mom didn't tell my dad she had invited her but let him know they were working through the issues period. My dad was angry but eventually they were able to talk. That weekend started the healing process. A couple of years later my aunt was diagnosed with cancer that eventually took her life. My dad was so grateful my mom insisted they work through their hurts.

I'm not suggesting you do this. I agree with the others you side with your husband. I also agree it's tragic the cousins are robbed of a relationship as a result. I think it would be a good idea if he would get help so he can let go of his hurt. Holding onto bitterness isn't healthy physically or emotionally.

Best to you.

No. It's his call. Imagine if the tables were turned...

I would tell my husband that, while I respect his position, it is not okay to deny our children a relationship with their cousins, and that I would be making sure they had that opportunity with or without him. As a parent that is what we do, we put our children first.

More information would be very helpful. Did his mother include your husband and his brothers in her will? Did your husband's brothers screw him out of money? If they screwed him out of money, I totally understand why he wants nothing to do with them. With that said, I have also been burned by people in the past, and what is absolutely imperative for me to reconcile is this - a true, sincere, genuine apology from the heart. What is not acceptable is an email (or anything written) with a simple "I'm sorry." That is not good enough! Ideally, the apology should be face to face, but if his brothers do not live locally, then the phone is the next best thing. If facetime or Skype is an option, then that would be better. If his brothers screwed him out of money, they MUST give him that money immediately!!!!!!! In addition to that, they MUST give him a very sincere apology, explaining how wrong they were and that they understand why he is so upset. They must show remorse for their unethical behavior and extend their deepest apologies to your husband and ask him if he could please find it in his heart to forgive them, for the sake of the family and all of your children. If your brother in laws give your husband the money they screwed him out of (of course I am just guessing, but I am pretty certain this is the case), along with a very sincere, heartfelt apology, I don't see why your husband wouldn't accept their forgiveness. What you did not mention is if your brother in laws have given him a sincere, heartfelt apology. It doesn't seem like they have.

If I were you, I would call his brother in laws (behind his back, just this one time, in an attempt to fix the family), asking them if they would give him a sincere, heartfelt apology, as well as giving him his portion of the money. If they are both willing to do this, set up a day and time for them to come over (or call/Skype/facetime). They cannot have an attitude when they apologize! They must be sincere and demonstrate remorse!! Coach them on this if need be!

For me, when I have forgiven people, I needed to see their remorse and sincerity. I needed to feel their sympathy and to feel validated for my feelings. If your brother in laws make your husband's hurt feelings feel validated and if they show sympathy/empathy, and if they give him the money he was owed, I truly think he will accept their apology.

This will be like an intervention. Best of luck!!!!

I get that you would love for your kids to be friends with their kids so they can have a relationship with cousins . BUT from my husband in similar situation: NO absolutely do not go against your husband or behind his back or without his blessing to pursue a relationship with them it's not worth causing a rift in your family when y'all were best friends to begin with if you only saw each other for birthdays and if you holidays during the year . it is OK to extend an olive branch by sending cards for birthdays in the snail mail or Christmas cards & an update fam letter to let all know whats new etc. Maybe try asking your husband again in 6 months or a year. Big hug!

I personally think it depends on why he does not talk to them anymore. You did not tell us the reason. If I thought that the reason my husband did not speak to his sibling was a good one then I would back him up. But it would really have to be a good reason. Other than that I think that someone who cuts off their sibling is being immature and are handling the problem in a poor way...and that my husband needs to go talk to a therapist and try to improve himself and get to a place where he can learn a better way to handle a problem with someone other than not speaking to them. He may pass this behavior down to his kids. In my opinion if this sibling is not a toxic relationship, then I would think my husband needs to work on forgiveness instead. I say this because this is how my mom handles problems with her siblings. She "cuts them out of her life" and stops speaking to them. She acts to immature about it and so unreasonable that it is completely ridiculous. Her siblings do not really know why she acts like this and will not speak to them anymore. She really needs therapy.

Something similar happened with my mom and two of my uncles. My dad never crossed her but then, he would never cross her. I did. I felt like, well sorry you can't move past this, I can.

I can only use my ex as a good example though. He was, is, always fighting with his sisters over money, power, love of dad. They have a very lucrative family business. I was always the bridge between him and his family. I never realized how much I did or how beneficial it was until after our divorce. He has no relationship with his family and sadly our two younger kids hardly know his family at all. Our older two already had a relationship, and could drive, when we divorced so they still have a relationship with his dad's side. So at least based on that I would say for the sake of your kids, keep that relationship going.

He's not your father. He's your husband. You're allowed to be friends with whomever you want, whether he likes it or not. And quite honestly, if he can't grow up and appreciate that, you have larger problems at hand.

You say it is your husband's "wishes". Some mamas here act like he is demanding. He is not. Your husband is all alone. The siblings have each other. He thought he had you, but you want to also abandon him. Please don't. What you can do is be ready for an answer when his siblings reach out to you. Tell them they need to approach him three on three, no outsiders. There has got to be some pain in their missing him, otherwise they are adding doing fuel to the past pain the longer they keep him alienated.

If those "unethical" things were not their usual actions, if they were perhaps a response to grief, if they do not reflect their hearts and lives in general, then perhaps a relationship of sorts is a possibility.

If those "unethical" things are reflective of the way they respond to certain situations, and if they have continued to practice those things, then it wouldn't appear that a relationship would be a healthy choice.

However, if they have changed, if they're apologetic for whatever was unethical, if they're good people with whom a positive relationship is possible, if their lives are happy and healthy, then maybe you can have a friendship with them, with boundaries.

My brother orchestrated a horrible, cruel, vicious divorce with my ex-SIL. My brother ordered me to never speak to her again, and to never send any gifts or communication to his kids through my ex-SIL, like sending Christmas gifts for the kids to her apartment when she was scheduled to see them. My brother is an all-around cruel person, and I have made the choice to remain friends with my ex-SIL, because we love each other like sisters. She is a kind, generous, loving person and my brother has a heart of gravel and mud and dirt. His every action is suspect. So as a result, my ex-SIL is in my life and my kids' lives, and my dh pays for her to have a phone, and helps her financially when we can. My brother is not in our lives, but my dh and I know that he cannot be trusted. We made the choice consciously, with much thought and prayer.

My son had a former girlfriend who had a lot of issues stemming from her difficult and abusive childhood. Her issues were too great and she did not seek help, and they broke up, which was for the best. However, she continues to seek a relationship with me, kind of like a surrogate mom figure. At first, my son begged me not to have any contact with her, as their breakup was painful for him. However, we now have a good understanding. My son acknowledges that she needs some guidance, and that she really likes me and respects me and is not a bad person, just really misguided. So I now talk with her on FB messaging, and via text, but with one important boundary. We do not discuss my son, except the casual "how is he?" and my reply "he's good". We talk about mom things, life choices, etc. She likes to know how my dd is doing, and she's concerned about my dd's health. She loves to hear about our travels. And my son is fine with that. She tried, after the breakup, to ask me to give him messages, like she missed him, etc, and I had to point-blank tell them both that I was not going to go there. They now both respect that. But she needs a mother's type of guidance, and her own parents disowned her long, long ago because they both led lives filled with drugs and multiple romantic live-in partners. She was just in the way, a nuisance to them. She's really likeable, and she asks nothing from us, except for advice from time to time.

So, maybe if your dh knows that you're just talking to his siblings about certain limited things, like how the kids are doing in school, exchanging recipes, etc, and that you promise to NEVER discuss whatever happened when his mother passed away, maybe that would be ok with him. You need to assure him that you will not ever try to mend the relationship, or talk about what could have happened, or what should have happened. And they need to know that too. You can't discuss dh's private life, or personal things, nothing more than "he's doing well, and the job is going well" kind of stuff.

That might assure him that it's ok for the cousins to grow up with some connection. He may just fear that you and his siblings will hash over what happened and that's a legitimate concern. If you and the siblings are ok with the boundary, it could work.