Hi Moms,
I left my brother in law move in with us on halloween. He had a job interview in our area because he is seeing a girl from our town. He was living at home yet. I figured for all my in laws have doine for us the least I could do was to let him stay over nite til the morning of the interview and maybe a few monthes after to get a start. Well he got hired and was told he would be loading truck for this company he said he told the person who interveiwed him he was not fast enough to work picking orders and such. Okay he started the job and home in 5 hours he fell asleep during a video to show you what to do on the picking line and couldn't do it. Okay he was to job seach well he has been coming in at 1-2 in the morning and sleeping til 1-2 in the afternoon. To my knowledge he has gone job seaching two days since here He has left doors and windows open continally and insists on a shower eveyday. we shower every other day to save on water and heat. We are barely staying afloat with our expenses. He promises to help around the house on a half dozen times he has refused to help with things from decorating to baking to watching his niece. i fell if he can't contribute monatarly he could at least help in the house. My husband and I are both working 12 hr shifts to keep going and he sits home all day. He is a volunteerr firefighter which I praise him for. But I fell he has to step up and grow up he is 26. His mom and dad own the car he drives and send him gas money. I will not give him any money. Am I being mean and going against family values if I ask him to leave . I can't afford the extra heatting oil he lets go outside or the water he insists on using. Please any help would be appreciated. H.
Well my BIL came in at 1am I had to get up at 5 the next morning to shower and be at work for 6:30, I couldn't fall back to sleep til 3. So at 2 I asked my husband to go wake BIL and called a family meeting. I told him I could not take being woke at this time and working 7 days a week. He was to find a job and start paying rent by January 15th or he's out. He got up the next morning and got a job starting Jan. 2nd. Don't know if it will last. Trying to prove he doesn't owe us anything for the room he has stayed at and eats at his girlfriend's house. He claims only sleeping ,showering and using the toilet here makes him owe us nothing.
I would kick the a**hole out! I hope he does not have a key? If so, take it back sometimes when he is out, and put his stuff in a bag in the garage or outside. When he comes back I would tell him he has overstayed his welcome. He will probably go mooch off of someone else.
If it were me, I would sit him down, give him a deadline and then tell him he is out by such and such date if he doesn't have a job. If he gets one, tell him he has 1 month to save all his money to get his own place then he is out.
Be honest. You guys are struggling to stay afloat and he is bringing you down. You can not afford to feed, heat and shower him any longer. Sorry but that's life.
This is a fight for your husband. Not you.
What was the communication when you all agreed to let him stay with you? Did you set a timeframe? House rules?
I agree that if he is going to be a guest there needs to be some rules. But your husband needs to set them with his brother. This is between your husband and his family.
I agree that he needs to close windows, help out around the house, be diligently looking for a job..... those are conditions your husband can stipulate as conditions for him to continue to stay.
As far as taking a shower every day.... I think that's a bit ridiculous, but I'm not sure how efficient your water heater is. The cost of actual water is pennies a day.... and I'm not sure you are saving all that much by reducing showers. Again.... something for your husband to talk to his brother about.
Fell asleep during his first day on the job?
That's all I need to know...
What does your husband think about this? I think it is DH's just to give his brother 1 week (or a set time limit) and on that day you guys will help him move. Have been in this situation before and the longer you let it go on the more hurt feelings there will be in the long run.
Pack him up and move him out.
You are not being mean or going against family values to ask him to leave. You are absolutely right in that if he's not contributing financially, he should be contributing in other ways. I get that he doesn't want to decorate or bake, but he should be pushing the vacuum, watching your child, doing dishes, etc. And he should be going out daily to look for work.
What I do with adult children is give them a deadline and then stick to it. I once had to drop my daughter off on a street corner because I gave her a deadline to find work or move and she did neither. So, I gathered up her stuff, told her come on, and dropped her on the corner of her choice. Was VERY hard to do, and I was bawling driving away, but she learned that when I give a deadline, I MEAN IT.
If I can do that to my daughter, you should be able to do that to your BIL.
Sit down with your husband and agree on what the expectations should be for BIL. Include household duties, job search expectations, monetary responsibilities, and deadline for him to be out. The deadline is critical. Have it include an earlier exit date if he doesn't meet the expectations and have a later exit date if he shapes up, gets a job and helps out. Then meet with him, outline his responsibilities, and then hold to it.
He's taking advantage. He needs to go, and now! Let Mommy take care of him if she wants to. Not your job. You had an agreement and now he's taking advantage because no one apparently has followed through to make him take care of himself.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
I've been bringing home boxes from work so I can replace the ones I store Christmas decorations in, but you can have them to pack his stuff up! This boy won't grow up unless he's forced to.
Nope, he is an adult, you did what you could and he did not follow through. You are totally doing the right thing. He needs someone to kick him in the pants. You have to take care of your hubby and you first. The BIL is old enough to take care of himself. Hopefully hubby is on the same page and you can send him home before Christmas.
There is no doubt that he needs to step up and start contributing to the household or move out. There should be no adult freeloaders in your house.
As for the shower thing...are you serious? You are begrudging him taking a shower per day instead of every other day? I don't think that one shower a day is extravagance...just basic cleanliness.
Set a date, inform him of it, them help him pack.
It's not a matter of "helping him out", he's taking advantage.
Date, inform, then buh-bye!
No you are not being mean, but your husband should be the one laying down the law..(People always like to blame the B of a wife or the B of the husband)...If it were your blood relative....you would be the one doing the deed. If your husband won't do it, then you should take a small vacation.
Blessings.....
Time to create a lease agreement/contract. He's a tenant of your home. He needs to agree to pay you rent and do chores and find a stable, paying job. If he isn't working he needs to be actively looking for a job and have a deadline to find one. If he doesn't pay you by a certain date; if he doesn't have a job by a certain date; if he doesn't do the household chores; if he doesn't sign the lease agreement then he must find a new place to live. Give him an expiration date on when the contract must be signed too. I would give him a week to sign the paperwork. Then you have to follow through with everything in that contract. Make it so that he must follow everything in the contract and if he fails at one of them, he's out.
It's NOT up to you to make sure he has another place to live. People like him always find a place to stay. He hasn't had any motivation until now to find a job or do chores or find his own home. You need to give him that motivation. In fact, he'll probably refuse to sign the contract and find a place to live so that he doesn't have to sign the contract.
It's not against family values in the least. In fact, you're fighting for your family. He's slowly chipping away at what you've built.
We had a similar situation with my brother in law. He was working, but just refused to help with anything, even though that was the agreement! I would leave him notes as too how much he owed us and when. He would avoid us for a few days on the 'due dates.' The last straw was when he bought his sister an expensive stereo for her car for Christmas.He, and his girlfriend were always there, eating, sleeping, and NOT helping! We had to kick him out. He never seemed to hols a grudge against us. That could be since he landed on his feet...or should I say his fathers couch!
I agree that it's time for him to either get a job and pay rent or move on. I also agree that telling your bil this has to be done by your husband. It's his brother and his family. If you were to do this you would likely be the focus of everyone's attention instead of your bil and his responsibilities.
You and your husband decide how you want to handle this. I would focus on his lack of a job and lack of efforts to get a job. I would not bring up the details of how he's costing you money. Tho, true, that adds another layer to the issue which is really his lack of job and efforts to get one. I suggest it's reasonable to say that you can't afford to continue supporting him.
I would give him a deadline at which time, if he's not paying rent, that he must leave. Perhaps give him a month.
I had a similar situation with my granddaughter's father, my daughter's boy friend. I told him he had to give me a list, weekly, of the jobs for which he'd applied. When he hadn't given me a list in two weeks, I told him he had to leave and I purchased a ticket for him to go back to his parent's home.
