"B"s Are Acceptable

If their personal best is a 100, and they got a 93, then that is a shortfall.

If their personal best is a 90, and they got a 93, that is excellence!

It is so very subjective. This never has and never will be a one-size-fits-all answer.

Case and point. I am fully capable of getting straight As and always did in school. College was no different. When I applied myself, I got perfect grades. It didn't take a ridiculous amount of effort- if I studied the same as everyone else, I got perfect grades. I just learn more easily and happen to be a great test taker. So, if I got less than perfect, I did beat myself up because I know I could have done more.

My husband, however, has never been a model student and happens to be a terrible test taker. He is very intelligent but the grades are a bit harder for him to get perfect. Bs and Cs are perfectly acceptable for him. If he gets an A, it's a major achievement.

This kid knows what he/she is capable of, and so does his/her family. If he/she was more than capable of getting a 100, then a 93 is a disappointment to them. You might find that unrealistic, but only they know what their personal best is. You can't change that.

I am one of those people that would freak out over getting a 93/100. I am also the one that demands my instructor show me the answers to the questions I missed so I can learn them. It might just be that child's personality. You said you were able to get high grades pretty easily, and that is great. Some people have to work harder, and that is okay too. When you have to work harder a certain amount of stress is involved, and when you miss questions it can be disappointing. It sounds like this child is just processing their disappointment. Perhaps the way to help this child is to teach them the learning opportunity for missing points, how they help us learn too. I know I spend extra time to learn what I missed.

Good luck with that.

I have the same thing, but it's because a 93 ISN'T my personal best. That, right there, IS the problem. When you're striving for best... anything short of perfection is unsatisfactory, and perfection is unattainable.

The only things that have helped (marginally) are:

- Other priorities : aka, things in my life that are MORE important or equal to grades (having a child was a huge priority shift... others include a social life, sex, sports, art... some kind of PASSION that is equal to or exceeds the need for the grade.

- Being with other people who are equally driven. Then it becomes "fun" / one sees that even the 'best' people have bad days or have a priority that steps up in front. Even still... when I miss 1 Q on a 200 question test, it makes my stomach drop into my shoes. It doesn't matter if it's a 99.5%, I STILL missed one, and that's infuriating.

You can tell this student that a B is a good grade and there is more to life than getting 100% on a vocab test. And you don't have to worry that this student will become jaded, confused or indifferent about school because what drives him/her comes from inside and will not be easily changed.

My 14yo is like this. I praise him for being diligent but focus on learning instead of grades. He needs to find satisfaction in the process instead of judging his self-worth on the final grade. I have to admit it's nice to never worry about whether my son is getting his assignments done. Instead I make sure he goes to bed by midnight when he wants to stay up all night to perfect his projects.

I was the kid who only did just enough to get by. I never wanted to sit down and study. Being grown now, I'm not sure that I would change that if I could go back. The two girls in my class that were straight A students aren't any better off in life than what I am right now. AND actually one of them got pregnant the summer after high school and lost her full-ride to a 4 year university. Oops. The other one got pregnant after college because she stopped taking her BC and didn't realize she could get pregnant so quickly after stopping.

Street smarts are just as important as book smarts. I may not be able to spell very well, but put me in the woods and I bet I can find my way out.

If a child is fairly bright (and a child who is getting 93% on tests is bright) can get 100% if they're studying properly. There's no good reason that it should take a child hours to study for a vocabulary test. I would say that it's up to the parents to help this child study more effectively. More than likely, the same results could be had in a fraction of the time, and studying will be less of a chore and more rewarding. For instance - have the child write up the vocabulary word on one side of a note card and the definition on the other side. Then when mom and dad are cooking dinner or driving the car, they can help the child study these words. Make it a family game to use the words in sentences as much as possible throughout the day. It's more interactive, less stressful for everyone, and the result is the same. Remember that working hard is not the same thing as working smart. Granted, working hard is a precursor to working smart, but with the right kind of studying and the right kind of study habits, a smart kid can have 100% in everything.

Maybe that sounds crazy, but I'm sorry - right now we can only afford public school, and I have told both of my kids that if they bring home anything less than straight A's, we're cutting out after school activities. They are smart kids, they have all the support at home that they could want or need, and let's face it, public school is set up so a monkey can pass the classes. If the child has learning disabilities, then of course that's a different story, but in my opinion, a smart, driven kid who is holding themselves to a higher standard should be encouraged, not sold short and told that B's are fine. The parents need to help the child do what s/he is striving to do. Just my tiger mom opinion. ;)

My 2nd grader is exactly the same way. She gets terrific grades by when she has less than a 100, she gets very upset with herself. She is also very competitive academically. She has to be the best at everything. I just encourage her by praising her work. I continue to let her know that she does great work is very smart and should be very proud of herself. Does she still get upset with herself, yup, its just part of her personality to be driven like that. However, it is getting better. I just make sure not to feed into it by expecting perfection out of her myself. We also talk about the appropriate way to react to disappointments. Part of her problem is just generally overreacting to life's little let downs. I let her know it is ok for her to be upset with herself or a situation but it is not ok to act out. I can't stop her from feeling upset about 7 little points but I can teach her that people don't yell, stomp their feet, cry, shut down etc. over such a small thing.

I used to go to school with kids who were like that and they'd get so worked up they'd have panic attacks when papers were passed out.

I would sit down with the child. I would ask if she tried her best. I would ask if she studied. I would ask if she paid attention in class. Yes, right?

I would also ask if she thought you were the perfect parent. Are you always right? Do you always do the right thing at work? (and if you are hard on yourself at work, I would ask yourself if you say this a lot in front of the kids and if you should tone it down) No, right? But do you try your best and are you still a good person/parent/employee?

No one is perfect. It's not about accepting garbage. It's about accepting that sometimes you aren't 100% but it's still good. You are still proud of her and she still did a good job.

We have a student who has other struggles with school and over the years have tried to teach her how to deal with situations that she feels are unfair (and sometimes are) because learning to deal with conflicts will serve her well when she's in an office someday. Same with teaching your child that effort is also part of the equation and if the child really did learn something, then the grade is good. I wouldn't accept Cs from an A student, but a 93 is still an A. I would also look for places to praise the child for good effort. Did she take out the trash without being asked? Good job, thank you. Did he unload the dishes and set the table? Good job, thank you. It's a process to teach the kid to be an overall good person and happy with their own efforts.

Academics always came very easily to me. I see the same thing in my son: great grades with very little effort.
BUT I think this child needs to know that he/she is more than a letter on a report card. A grade does not define his/her identity.
I'm sure there ARE things that come easily to this particular child--maybe a sport, a spirit of giving, compassion, etc?

Last year when my son was in 1st grade, he was taking the week long state tests and I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He felt SO much pressure and once I explained that the test was about making sure the TEACHERS were doing THEIR job, his attitude changed considerably.

What it comes down to is that the child recognizes that at school, the "idea" is that your grade reflects your effort. And this child's grade does not, this is so very frustrating to a child. Quite frankly, it's one of my gripes about public school, and something that neither the parent nor child can change. The parents could get their child involved in something that either doesn't have any "grade" - non competitive gymnastics or swimming, or an individual sport like karate. Or spend less time trying to perfect school work and more time ouside playing catch, or gardening. Sounds counterproductive, but maybe taking the child's mind off of this intense studying will help give them perspecitve, and see that enjoyment in life comes from experiencing it, not perfecting grades.
It's kind of hard to know without knowing the child's age, what techniques might work best.

Let them know that as long as they know that they worked hard and you know that they worked hard then a B is awesome. Sometimes you get less than what you expect. But you pick up find out where you went wrong and try harder the next time. I struggled for years in math. I mean really struggled. My parents got me tutors and I studied my butt off they knew I worked so hard, I got a D. Yes not a good grade, but it was better than an F and my parents saw my agony and accepted that. It wasn't till years later in college that Math finally clicked for me and I got an A. I was so scared of math before that, I think it's all in the approach. I had terrible math teachers that scarred me for life on math till my college math class that I got an A in. I was more proud of that A than anything else. So in other words. There are some things you have to work through.

93 out of 100 is an A!

Is it the child who is pushing herself or the parent?
If it's the parents they could end up with an anorexia problem or something because the child feels too stressed by the expectations.
Either way Tell the parents to praise effort not success, ALWAYS. If child gets an A or a 100 Dont praise the grade! show interest, ask questions about the work the learning the subject matter "do you feel you learned from this? Great! did you work hard for this? I'm so proud!" If the child relays that the words on the test were easy for her and she knew them already, express sympathy for not being challenged, not pride in a good grade.
If the child gets a B or C ask the same questions what did you learn? tell me about the US government or the geometric shapes? Sounds like you know more now than you did! I noticed you studied for hours for that test, That shows great perserverance! that type of stick to it ness will help you go far in life.
No praise for good grades. Lots of interest, and pride for hard work. (there's a great article, "How not to talk to children" maybe you could read it first and decide if it would help)

We were raised pretty much the same way - "do your best". Although even "C"s were acceptable in my house because I had trouble in elementary school with dyslexia and some other small issues. (I've learned to cope, so its not much of a problem as an adult!) Sooo spelling tests were generally a nightmare for me. I'd work and work on spelling words and still end up with a B, and get all depressed over it. My parents eventually only let me do the bare minimum for the homework and then praise me for trying my best - otherwise I'd probably given up.

For my kids, I tell them we expect a 3.0 overall. That means some things they should get A's in, other things they will get B's in and the tough subject they should at least get a C in.

My 4th grader's teacher tells her class that "a B is where you need to be", An A is awesome and great - the kid knows the subject and a C is ok, but we could study more or review. (D's and F's mean that they really need to review the subject over again and get some help because the child has missed something important during the lesson.)

For some of us... straight A's are little more then a disillusioned dream. Having a 3.0 though, should be manageable for the vast majority that try. Even I was able to get honor roll in high school - despite my disasters in elementary school.
Hope you can provide some encouragement!

The fact that this child has to work hard and study is actually a good thing in my opinion. I say that because I have a nephew who is very bright. He blew through high school like it was a cake walk, and everything always came easily to him. Then, when he went to college he hit a wall. There was a lot more work to be done and information to remember, but he had developed no study skills! He didn't know how to "prepare" for tests and things because he had never really needed to before. At the younger ages and even through high school, grades are so important to some kids. What they will learn down the road though is that it is the work ethic more than anything that will make them successful. If the "B" means "Best you could do" it might as well be an A!

Start young, and hope they hear you. Sometimes they are who they are and the best you can do is tell them they did a great job....... no matter what the grade is. Absolutely you can tell them there is nothing wrong with a B and to not worry about it. Let them know you think a 'B' is a good grade.

To me saying a "B" is acceptable is still implying it is NOT good enough, and helps drive a child toward perfection. In my mind this is even more problematic for girls that could lean toward eating disorders.

With my kids I said, "A 'B' is great!" If your child is driven, then why feed into it. They don't need prompting. To me a 'C' is great if it is a really tough subject for a child. If not such a tough subject, then I would ask my child....."Are you happy with your C? How do you think you could bring that grade up?" The important thing is that they did their best to do what is required. Not everyone is a student, and in that case, praise where you can. Focus on what they are good at, and enjoy.

If you are in elementary school the grades don't even really matter towards anything, so why stress a child out? As they grow older they have motivation to do better because they will have a goal to go to the college they want to get in.

I completely agree with Nikki. I have two boys who are both very driven. My oldest occassionally brings home a 93 in English, and that is not acceptable - to either of us. He is upset by it, and I know he is capable of better as well. He doesn't get in trouble for it because I know that he will do whatever he needs to do to bring the grade up. It will bother him until he brings it up. Math is harder for him, so a 93 in math is acceptable. He is driven, but is more focused on the joy of learning. He is inquisitive and curious. We do expect good grades, but try to emphasize the importance of knowledge. He is in all pre-AP classes and constantly wants to learn more about everything.

My youngest is more similar to what you describe. He is 7, and excels in reading and writing, and does fine in math, but occassionally brings home a paper in math that isn't perfect. He falls to pieces. We are trying to convince him that if he never missed any problems he wouldn't be learning anything - that we learn from our mistakes. Perfection in all things is so important to him, even though we do not expect perfection. He is very sensitive and puts tons of pressure on himself. Like others have mentioned, I think it is a personality issue.

i give a dollar for every b, and 5 dollars for every a.....for a 100 i give a special present. This is the way i make bs seem acceptable i guess. Rewarding for them.

I am personally proud of my 8yo when he gets a B or B's on tests or report cards. He studies does his homework and if a B is his best then I am happy! If he gets lower then I am concerned. I got good grades in school and had parents that didn't push for perfect so I don't. My husband got beat if he didn't understand his homework(literally) so he stopped bringing books home very young so he also doesn't push for perfect and sometimes a C is ok although we know he can do better there is never punishment just a pep talk to do his best next time because he is usually bummed out when he thinks he did bad. Some kids and adults just need to be perfect and it is sad to see the disapointment in there faces when they are not my son is not like this in school but in other things and my 5yo gets very frustrated if he can't write a letter correct or draw something how he thinks it should be so I hope when he enters first grade he is not a perfectionist or there will be lots of tears for him if he doesn't meet his own standards.