We recently moved to a new neighborhood. The neighbors children who are 5 and 8 years old (girls) ring our doorbell often for our 5 year old son to come out and play. I really don't know what is considered appropriate but they come over between 9 am - 10 am (with their Mom) on Saturday and Sunday mornings. For me, this is too early as these are the days we all like to sleep a bit later. They call on my son often to play during the week too. These children are not particularly well behaved. For example, usually the first thing they say when they come over is that they're hungry. They just say "we're hungry" in sort of a rude tone. Not "please can I have a snack". When I bring a snack I never get a thank you but I've heard them complain about it instead. The eight year old does not like to take turns in any game they play and usually becomes quite mean at some point in their games. She started to play dodge balls with ball pit balls and tried to use a baseball to throw at my son but luckily her Mom stopped her. Also the other day she yelled over the fence that she never ever wants to play with my son again... not today, not tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day ..... My son told me that she stole our bozo balls for our bozo game and when he asked her to give them back (because they are part of the game), she said this was her prize for winning the game. Which was aggravating to me as I provided cute small prizes for the game like tiny stuffed animals, small paint sets, and candy. And over the past few months, soda and cookies. The eight year old also took her jump rope and put it on my child's neck and started pulling but I stopped her. She has called my son "mean boy". My son is confused by her behavior and so am I ..... the parents seem nice enough. From what I can tell these are the only children on this block around his age so when he sees them, he want to play with them despite
their meanness. I've observed their play often in my backyard, and my son has never had one cross word for either of them or has done anything mean. In fact, when the eight year old starting saying mean things about the nine year old across the alley, my son defended the nine year old to a turn. What bothers me most is that my son is so gentle that he never defends himself against these verbal or physical attacks and this in turn, makes him a victim of a bully. I am so upset by all this, that I wish we never bought this house. There should be signs up in a neighborhood where bullys live to warn parents. I've always tried to maintain good relations with the neighbors but I'm tired of biting my tongue where my son's safety appears to be in danger. What should I do? Please help!
A couple days ago, my son saw the Dad of these two girls in the backyard and he told the Dad that his daughter said mean things to him and took a ball from his game. I was pleasantly surprised by my son's sudden assertiveness. The only thing I said to my son previous to this was that he has to stick up for himself or mean people will always be mean to him. At the time, I wasn't sure if he knew what I meant. But I guess he did. So the Dad brought his two daughters outside and made them apologize and say that they will look for the ball they took from him. I don't really think this is going to solve all our problems in the long term but for the time being my son's confidence and self respect has been restored. Everyone's advice was so great and I plan on using all of it. I really appreciate all the responses. It has helped already by giving me ideas on how to handle situations which I'm sure will arise many times in the future.
Margo took the words right out of my mouth.
Be strong, don't let the 8 yr old bully you around too.
Wow - what an uncomfortable position. I'm sorry to hear about it.
I think you need to step in and set some boundaries. The next time they ring your doorbell too early on the weekend or come by when they are unwanted, say something like, I'm sorry, "Timmy" can't play right now. Its a bit early for us, we like to sleep in on the weekends." Or something similar. If they enter and say, "I'm hungry." I'd respond with something like, "oh didn't you eat before you came over?" If they say no, then ask if they'd like to go home and grab a snack before coming back to play. This may be an 8 year old bully, but you are older - and smarter. Don't allow these girls to come into your home and walk all over you and your son.
If they take toys away, I'd go up to the kids and ask where they are, why they were taken. I bet they will be stunned. If they say I'm keeping it as my prize, I'd respond that we should go talk to your parents about that. Follow through with it.
Believe me, you will be doing these kids a favor! By not saying anything and allowing this to continue you are telling them it is acceptable behavior. You are also teaching your son not to stand up for himself. Teach him not to allow this type of behavior. And good for him for sticking up for the boy across the alley. Your son sounds like a bright, polite boy, and will tire of these hooligans soon enough.
My guess is that once they know they have to be well behaved in your home, one of two things will happen: 1) they shape up and behave properly or 2)they stop coming over altogether.
Once your son starts school in the fall he will make tons of new friends within his class. Schedule lots of playdates, and soon the neighbor girls will be forgotten.
Some of this is just kids. Your son is going to have to learn to stand up for himself against these attacks. Kids can be nasty, especially when not confronted. It's good that he's willing to defend others, however what about himself? That said, in many ways your son's safety does appear to be in danger and you need to stop biting your tongue with the children as well as the other parents. They need to be aware of the way their children are behaving. Also, If they tell you they're hungry, tell them to go talk to their parents. It's not your responsiblity to give out snacks to the neighborhood. If the kids are stealing toys,(whatever the reason) you should first talk to the child about giving them back and if it doesn't work then the other kid's parents should be involved. If the kids are rude to you, you can certainly correct them. You are the adult and getting equally bullied. Maybe by standing up to them yourself, you will set an example for your son.
Why bite your tongue? Don't let some 8 yr old walk all over you. Here are some useful phrases for you:
We play nice and share.
I expect to hear please and thank you from you.
If you can't follow the rules, you go home.
That's not your toy. Return it when you are done.
It's too early. Tommy might be out later.
Tommy can't play right now (shut door).
Go ask your mom for a snack.
It's snack time, go home. We'll be back out in 10 minutes.
I also don't understand why you haven't spoken to the girl's parents about their bad behavior - especially the jump-rope around the throat incident. I'm sure the parents would like to know. If they don't believe you, then you know not to have the girls over anymore.
You can't expect your son to stand up to bullying behavior when you refuse to do it yourself. Set the example for him.
"There should be signs up in a neighborhood where bullies live to warn parents"????? Seriously?
I hate to say it, but this is life. Whether it's in the neighborhood or on the job, there are always going to be rude, hostile people (and children) no matter where you live. There are several great strategies to defend children from bullies, but sitting back and stewing about it is not one of them. You need to talk to the parents and stop biting your tongue. STop playing with these kids is the first step. Also talk to your son about being assertive--not aggressive as they are two very different things. There are lots of great books on bullies written for children. Take a trip to borders or your local library.
Margp & Cortney are right. Don't let these girls bully you too. No you are not their parent, but while they are in your home, you are "in charge" and if they don't like it, they don't need to be there. I know it may be difficult to stand up to them because you're afraid your son won't have anyone to play with, but there are other things you can do with him to forget those mean little girls. Check with your local library - a lot of them have children programs (where they read stories, etc.) and I'm sure there are parks you can take him to where he could play with other children his age. But Margo & Cortney are also right in the fact that if you stand up to these girls, it will show your son that he can too. It sounds like your son is very polite and just wants friends to play with, but he doesn't know how to say that he doesn't want to play the way they are playing. Take a deep breath, it will be ok. Don't regret buying a home because of some mean girls on your block. Don't worry - it's also a good lesson for him too! (to see what is not the right way to play/treat others)
I too have a similar situation in our neighborhood. The good news is that kids and friends change. We basically just ignore them and tell our kids that they are not allowed to play with them since they are mean and do not play nice. It was very difficult at first believe me, but now they have gotten a little older and found kids that are around the corner that we did not even know existed who are great kids and play nice. For my daughter some new people moved in and she is friends with her daughter now and they play great together. If possible get your son involved in some activities to try and break up the day and to meet other parents and kids who seem like they would be a good fit for each other and have them over for a playdate or meet at a park.
As for the neighborhood kids. Hold your ground and set the rules. Tell them they cannot ring your doorbell until after 10:00 am on the weekends or whatever your rule is, etc. You are in charge! Good Luck.
S.
Diana,
I just posted a similar request today. We too are new to our neigborhood and we have two children next door who are older then my 5 year old son (7 and 9). He loves to play with them(almost too much). They have alot of freedom and can be sneaky. They too come in my house and ask for food all the time. Sometimes, their sister who is 13 is left in charge while the parents go out for the evening(sometimes 3 times a week) I have to literally make them go home when it is bedtime for my family. I feel a little sorry for them, but I am soooo worried that they will be a bad influence on my son. I wish you could interview the neighbors before you buy your home. I can just foresee this just getting worse throughout the years. I have had to step in and get involved when they are playing because they talk "potty talk". They talk about private parts etc. So, I feel your frustration!!! However, I know you said that your son is gentle and does not defend himself. My son is the not really like that. However, the neighbor kids know how much he loves to play with them so they do tease him. I have told him several times to tell me if they are being mean to him or talking about bad things. He loves to play with them so much that I don't know if he will really tell me anything bad. I have tried to make playdates for him with other kids his age. And now I ground him from playing with them when he is being bad at home. I hope you get some good advice on how to deal with this!!!!
This is soooo sad because I have lived it!!!!! You buy the perfect home and, yet, you didn't get the opportunity to pick your neighbors. Years passing and kids maturing have a way of healing but that doesn't help you now. I've gotten tougher. I've role played A LOT and armed my kids with things they can do to if they are caught in a bullying situation like this - because it is bullying! (And yes, the parents are nice and clueless!) Keep observing your son, get him involved w/ the park district and library programs to meet new friends and have fun play dates. Just because they live next door doesn't mean they have to be best friends - sadly he probably doesn't want to be "left out". Remind your son of his good manners and, for a while, serve him first at snack time - I always comment on the "polite kid" at snack time and the rest follow suit (even though it is polite to serve your guests first and family, last!) We have a ton of kids in our neighborhood and many seem to know that snack time at our home is 3:00 pm - I've gotten to observe kids in the neighborhood for 6 years, around my kitchen table. Amazing what I learn! Don't tolerate rudeness - I have NO problem sending kids home. Re. weekends - hang a sign on your front door on the weekends, if you have to, "CAN'T COME OUT, SORRY! PLEASE DON'T RING DOORBELL!" or "FAMILY TIME - PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB!" We have several families in the neighborhood who sometimes let their kids knock on someone's door as early as 7:00-7:30 am on a weekend! And taking (stealing) someone's stuff....that's an immediate call to that NICE parent, not accusatory, and always giving them the "benefit of the doubt". It's more important to maintain your dignity and trust with your son. As far as moving into your home - you are there for a reason -I'm so sorry - I truly hated where I lived for a couple years. Shame on me! Life's too short. Years later, my children think it's the greatest place to live!
Hang in there. We too had a bully on my block that my son just gravitated to. Good News, he moved out last year!
If your child actually wants to still play with this child....
and you actually want to allow it. Here is what I would do and do myself. I let parents know that when kids are in my house I will treat them as if they are one of my own. They will be protected, cared for, praised and disciplined. They will be allowed and afforded the same considerations as my own. This all being said, if they are misbehaving, being rude, steeling, hitting, being impolite or ungrateful they will receive the same redirection, punishment as mine. If they don't like it they can go home. If I am being used as a sitters service(without my permission) and the parent is not found to be home, the punishment will be doled out at my house and child returned to parent. I also let other parents know that I expect my children when at play at their house to know that they will be expected to abide by those rules as well and expect to be called for poor behavior and to please come and pick up. If the parent can't agree, then don't accept the child into your space...it simply is not worth it to teach your child, new bad behavior that you will have to undo.
Cut off all communication. It's that simple. When they come to ask him to play, say that he can't. You are the grown up.
I agree totally with the other moms and even if they come over with their mom before 10am, don't be afraid that you'll offend her by saying something. My niece is 8 and sometimes she gets bossy with my son, I've stepped in and it stuns her and it stops the behavior. I add things like "that isn't a nice way to play, if you want to continue, we'll be going home (or she needs to go home)" it usually works because her mom isn't a good at saying no and she is almost shocked to hear it. What town do you live, I also have a 5-year old boy, maybe they can get together and have 5-year old fun?
I am in Morton Grove.
J.
